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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24172780">Stay</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphiemolizbethbau/pseuds/elphiemolizbethbau'>elphiemolizbethbau</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Stay [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Healing, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Mutual Pining, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Slow Burn, kind of, religious trauma, repressed sexuality</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:16:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>151,288</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24172780</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphiemolizbethbau/pseuds/elphiemolizbethbau</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"How do you do it? Losing victims all the time...how do you keep doing this job, Liv?"<br/>An exhausted and burnt out Alex Cabot shows up at Olivia's apartment late one night after the events of 3x18 "Guilt", and the meeting serves as a catalyst for the women to begin knowing one another more deeply. This story will explore the journey both women must travel in order to purge their demons and let the other in. Trigger warnings apply. Cabenson.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Stay [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2182869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>450</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>198</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A/N: Alright friends. Here I am, back with another story. This is the first time I’ve ever written for Cabenson, so we’ll see how it goes. Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>This story starts post 3x18 “Guilt” and will explore Alex and Olivia’s blossoming relationship. I watched the episode recently because I love me some Alex Cabot, and this little plot nugget wouldn’t go away. So now that In the First Degree and Dirt in the Carpet are finished, I decided to go for it. If you like this story, I encourage you to check those other ones out.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 1</p><p> </p><p>It was raining. The type of rain that pummeled any metal that was unlucky enough to be outside and exposed to the harsh elements with enough force to vibrate the lobes of her brain. All Olivia wanted was an itsy-bitsy semblance of peace, of quiet, but she didn’t think she’d ever receive such an irrational desire. SVU didn’t leave room for peace. </p><p>An abrasive knock against her apartment door made her wince, and she grumbled irritably to herself as she rose from her bed, a feat that took some straining, and padded lugubriously towards the source of the unwelcome noise. It’s not as if she had been sleeping, but she should have been, so whoever this intruder was, they didn’t respect what Liv should have been doing. The incessant pounding continued, and Benson couldn’t help the gasp that escaped her as she looked through the peep hole, squinting to ensure the person standing in the hallway was the person she thought she saw. </p><p>The brunette flung the door open. “Alex, are you okay? It's the middle of the night.” She knew it was a dumb question. Alex Cabot was definitely not okay. She was drenched from head to toe, marble-sized globs of water falling from her flattened hair. The woman sniffed, not responding to the detective’s inquiry as she shifted awkwardly on her feet. Alex was most definitely worse for wear, but the soft blush playing on her normally pale features struck the older of the two women. Despite being freezing, exhausted, desperate, and wet, the normally cool prosecutor was still so beautiful. Olivia’s breath caught in her throat, registering that the sight of her colleague in her most vulnerable state had a significant effect on her. She cleared her throat to distract from the tension that had grown around them, licking her lips. “Alex?” she asked again when the blonde refused to meet her eyes. “Are you alright?”</p><p>The ADA worried her lower lip, crossing her legs to preserve warmth and to protect her shivering form. “How do you do it?” Olivia raised an eyebrow in speculation but didn’t ask a clarifying question, instead waiting for the other woman to explain herself. Alex blinked her heavy eyes, a dull ache having built up in her eyelids from several days of relentless crying and sleep deprivation. “Losing victims all the time...” she continued dejectedly. This was supposed to be a temporary assignment for her, as Charlie Phillips and Liz Donnelly clearly did not think she had the fortitude to continue prosecuting these crimes longer than was necessary for her to get the inside information the Chief ADA had been searching for. She had fought against them at first. Alex knew she was a tough cookie and she did handle the case content better than an Assistant DA had in quite some time, at least at first. But Alex was beginning to question if her bosses may have been right. The things human beings were capable of doing to one another just…broke her somehow. And it’s not like she hadn’t been painfully aware of the horrible truth of sex crimes before, but having this kind of responsibility in a system that constantly worked to undermine her efforts? Alex was tired. She could see herself curling up into a ball the next time a jury returned a verdict of not guilty. It was probably a good thing she’d been suspended because she had some serious soul searching to do. “How do you keep doing this job, Liv?”</p><p>Olivia wanted to usher the exhausted woman inside and dry her pruny fingers, dripping hair, and shivering body. She wanted to…hug her. Benson had felt a sense of kinship with ADA Cabot near instantly upon meeting her. A single career woman, dedicating her life to putting perps away, albeit aloof at times—Olivia would be lying if she had tried to claim she didn’t see the similarities. Detective Benson hadn’t gone on a date in more than a year (“I think about rape all day” wasn’t exactly a great conversation starter) and she hadn’t done more than kiss in longer than that, but she knew she remembered what a spark felt like. It felt like a firm handshake and a waft of rose perfume as flaxen locks blew in the breeze created by the brisk walk of toned legs—</p><p>Why was she thinking about this? It was wrong, she told herself. Even if the two women hadn’t been coworkers, one look at the disheveled woman said all Olivia needed to hear. At the very, very least, now was not the time. The only thing appropriate for the time was for Benson to invite the younger woman inside for tea, as Alex clearly needed a friend—and just a friend—right now, but the brunette was still so shocked that the person who plagued her dreams at night had just shown up at two a.m, that she remained frozen in place, slack-jawed and silent. “I...”</p><p>“I just got a call.” Alex figured that if Olivia wasn’t going to talk, she might as well fill the uncomfortable quiet between them. This was the kind of thing that the attorney should go to a therapist with, if she had allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to speak to one. But this was not a possibility for the ADA. If anyone knew her, truly knew her, it just wouldn’t be safe. Olivia was her only option, and she’d be kidding herself if she tried to say she hadn’t just wanted to see her face, hear her deep but agonizingly gentle voice. That compassion, the kindness the woman directed towards victims—Alex dreamed of being on the receiving end of that kind of care just once in her life. Stick to the facts, Cabot, she chastised herself internally, her father’s gravelly tone coming through. “Sam Cavanaugh died earlier today.”</p><p>“Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry.”</p><p>There it was. Alex could hear it, sense it in her breath when the brunette switched on “Empathy Mode.” Though it was practiced to some extent, no doubt a protective mechanism, it was clearly genuine, and it was Cabot’s turn to be at a loss for words.</p><p> She thought she could save him. A young boy violated, betrayed by someone he trusted, should have been able to trust. Alex’s idea to solicit a confession from Barnett had been something she was proud of, a promising attempt to spare Sam the retraumatization  testifying would surely inflict, and after everything that happened…the coma and—she just couldn’t bring herself to stop trying. His childhood had been stolen and now the rest of his life, and Alex didn’t stop it. She only made it worse. </p><p>And the look on Olivia’s face now. Somehow, despite her rigid exterior and her years’ worth of efforts to maintain a stoic façade, Detective Benson always managed to look at her in just the right way in the exact moment that would crumble—No. Alex’s eyes watered and her vision blurred, red hot panic taking over every traitorous inch of her body. She just wanted to be close to Olivia, but she couldn’t. She had to go.  “I just…I didn’t want to be alone tonight. I realize now how inappropriate this is. I’ll…I’ll go. I apologize, Detective.”</p><p>Olivia’s mouth was moving before she could stop it, her hand jerking forward to catch the other woman around the wrist. “No. Alex.” The hold was gentle, but it scorched Alex’s skin, the attorney not knowing if she should grant herself permission to feel what she was feeling. Olivia was safe, wasn’t she? The brunette pulled her hand away the instant she saw the ADA’s eyes widen in—What? Fear? Surprise? Arousal? Cabot was the definition of an enigma, never letting anyone see past the professional exterior that lived for nothing but putting rapists away. But was that her entire purpose, all that there was to her personality, her existence? No one could say for sure, and Olivia certainly wasn’t an exception to that rule. But the detective’s breath caught at the sight of the woman in front of her, someone she no doubt cared for in one way or another. Alex, although no longer trapped by Benson’s enthralling touch, still looked like she was preparing for an escape. All Olivia wanted to do was to provide support, comfort, anything else the blonde was willing to ask for. She reached her arm out again, letting her fingers hover painstakingly over porcelain skin. “Stay.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.<br/>I was originally going to write the first In the First Degree one shot today, but the response on the first chapter has been incredible, and this is my way of saying thank you!<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 2</p><p>Alex was rendered speechless for several pregnant seconds, her eyes colliding with the most gentle chocolate orbs she'd ever seen. She felt like she could stare through Olivia's eyes and see straight into her soul. The attorney was transfixed, stunned into silence by an invitation she thought she'd never receive. So why did she still want to run? Why did safety still feel so dangerous? As Benson's head tipped to the side, the ADA abruptly recalled that the other woman was waiting for a response. She cleared her throat. "S-sure," she stammered, stepping over the threshold into Liv's cozy apartment and realizing for the first time just how cold she was.</p><p>"You must be freezing," Benson stressed, closing the door behind her and sliding the bolt on three separate locks. "Did you walk all the way here?" The brunette knew that her apartment was only a few blocks away from Alex's penthouse, but it was raining bullets and the middle of the night.</p><p>"Yeah, I didn't think it would be safe to drive," Alex replied absently, sitting in the chair Olivia pulled out for her. "Haven't slept in a couple days," she murmured.</p><p>The detective rummaged through her cabinets for some dish towels. "But you thought it would be safe to roam the streets of New York at two a.m while sleep deprived?" she questioned incredulously.</p><p>Olivia regretted the bite she put into her words immediately, as a guilty blush spread across Cabot's normally sure features. The woman was doubting her every decision, and that was difficult to bear witness to. "Yeah," she sighed shamefully. Being verbally chastised by Liv was humiliating, but Alex was more than aware of the genuinely worried undertone of the angry inquiry. Benson was upset because she knew something could have happened to Alex in such a defenseless state, and though she felt bad about it, the prosecutor liked that she had that effect on the detective. She liked that someone cared enough to be angry at her for risking her safety. "Told you my decision-making abilities have been severely compromised. I rest my case."</p><p>The sheepish shrug and sigh that followed the declaration warmed Olivia's heart, though it was immediately followed by a tightening in her chest. The brunette could not stop thinking about the beauty of the ADA, even as each moment that went by revealed just how incapacitated she likely was. The least of what Olivia was allowing herself to give in to as she watched the woman shiver was months of pent up attraction, though she also felt as if her thoughts were objectifying and dare she admit, violating. It's not like there was even a microscopic part of her that would dream of touching Alex in this vulnerable state, but she was so used to seeing strong and poised ADA Cabot that watching her act painfully human was alluring in a sense.</p><p>"Let's dry you off," Olivia told her, tossing the younger woman a dish towel to wipe her face with and stepping behind her with the other one. She let the cloth hover over the other woman's hair for a moment, shaking her head at herself. She was hesitating to touch her, and that was all the proof she needed that her intentions were pure. She could put aside any attraction she felt because Alex needed a friend, and perhaps more desperately so, Olivia needed to be that person for the blonde. "Can I dry your hair?" she asked, the words breaking as they left her throat.</p><p>Alex's breath caught, and she was so incredibly grateful her face was covered with the towel. Olivia Benson was many things, but a hypocrite was not one of them. "Of—of course." She swallowed hard, hoping the other woman wouldn't notice the blush that was still fading from her newly dried cheeks. "Thank you for asking," she added as an afterthought. She began wondering when the last time someone asked before touching her had been, when a colleague had waited for her to extend her hand to shake, when a doctor had checked before examining her, when a friend solicited consent before hugging her. She laughed bitterly to herself, realizing that she hadn't been hugged in quite some time, and it wasn't because she was unwilling, though she didn't know for sure that she wasn't.</p><p>She was brought out of her rabbit hole of thoughts by Liv's soft hum. "Always," she said obviously, wrapping the cloth tight around drenched hair and squeezing hard enough to pull the water from flaxen tresses. "Tell me if I hurt you," she instructed, not wanting to add to the other woman's discomfort.</p><p>Olivia's fingers moving carefully through her hair ignited a fire within her, constricting her chest and freeing countless butterflies to move aimlessly about her stomach. It was that dangerous safety again, something she knew she was milliseconds away from surrendering to. But she had to resist it. This kind of vulnerability and trust would never be safe. Never. Almost instinctively, she jerked away from the touch, letting out a yelp when Olivia didn't release her hair soon enough to avoid a painful yank. The brunette's hands left the ADA's head as if it had been a hot flame, raising them both in the air to showcase surrender. Alex's heart sped up in her chest, her cheeks once again becoming beet red, something that she knew Olivia would assume was due to pain. But really, the blonde ached to sit back into the chair once more and allow the older woman to bury her fingers into her unruly mane. Because although Alex had been the one to pull away, she hadn't consciously chosen to do it. The drill sergeant inside her mind had made the decision for her. Pull away first. Don't let it linger. Deflect.</p><p>Before Olivia could begin apologizing profusely for something that was not her fault, Alex forced a laugh. "Sorry, got a chill," she explained quickly.</p><p>Benson consciously chose to let it slide. "You must still be cold," she assumed. "Come with me. Let's get you some dry clothes."</p><p>Dutifully, the attorney stood up, following Olivia into her bedroom. "You don't have to do this," she said, knowing she didn't even deserve a fraction of the amount of consideration Liv was showing her. "I can go."</p><p>"Nonsense," she argued, pulling a T-shirt out of a drawer. "You need a friend right now, Alex. It's no problem." A dull ache shot through both women at Olivia's use of the word "friend," which Alex found odd because in all actuality, they weren't even friends. Friends knew things about you, about your past, about your family. Hell, Cabot was certain that the other woman didn't even know her favorite color. It was brown, like the color of Olivia's eyes. "So, these will probably be a little big on you, but at least they'll be comfortable." Olivia handed the blonde a full set of pajamas. "I'll be in the living room when you're finished changing. Would you like some tea?"</p><p>Say no, Cabot. Don't accept anything from other people. No one genuinely cares about you. Don't take it. "Sure. That sounds great, Liv. Thanks."</p><p>When she emerged from the bedroom, arms wrapped protectively around herself, she was surprised to hear Olivia gasp. "Alex, you're bleeding."</p><p>She had completely forgotten about her spill on the sidewalk, the sting of her current predicament worthy of more attention than the crimson liquid trickling down her leg. "Yeah, I, uh, had an unfortunate encounter with the pavement outside your apartment. Coordination isn't my strongest suit when I'm tired."</p><p>"Sit, sit, sit," Benson commanded her, placing a hand on her back and guiding her to the couch. The younger woman momentarily arched away from the touch, noticing the way Olivia bit her lower lip in regret. The brunette raced to retrieve her first aid kit before kneeling down in front of the attorney, starting by wiping away the excess blood.</p><p>After five whole minutes, Olivia couldn't stand the quiet any longer, so she paused her efforts to clean Alex's knee and looked up at the woman with desperate eyes. "Alex, say something. What's going on in your head?"</p><p>Stick to the facts, Cabot. "Well, I have an update about the Roy Barnett case. Now that we know for sure we're ramping up to a murder trial—"</p><p>"Alex, you know you can't take this case now."</p><p>Cabot stared back at her with equal fervor. "Doesn't mean I can't help."</p><p>Olivia knew Alex needed to feel productive, and so she indulged the other woman's desire to continue discussing the Barnett case. "Alex, I know you want to be helpful here," she said cautiously, gingerly applying the first of three band-aids to the woman's knee, "but if you couldn't meet the burden of proof for sex abuse, how are you going to prove murder? You'd have to prove abuse first."</p><p>"I know. But now that Sam is—" she inhaled shakily. "Now that Sam is no longer temporarily incapacitated, I may be able to get what was said during the phone call entered as a dying declaration. Then I—I mean the new prosecutor—may be able to prove abuse and coercing a witness, and possibly murder."</p><p>Olivia sighed. "Alex, do you really think this fifteen second phone call constitutes a dying declaration on Sam's part?"</p><p>"Do I think he said 'your four years of sexual abuse killed me, Roy Barnett'? Probably not. But we have Barnett on six counts of abuse based on the tapes, and I don't see how the last words Sam said to the defendant before his death aren't relevant."</p><p>"Of course they're relevant," Benson conceded, relieved to see a small spark return to Alex's eyes, "but are they admissible?" When she opened her mouth to respond, no words escaped Alex's lips. She knew it was a long shot. "All I'm saying," Olivia said softly, "is you're welcome to give this information to the new trial attorney, but I'm sure they'll already have it. You've done so much for this case, and you should take this time for yourself."</p><p>Haven't you already done enough, Cabot?</p><p>They weren't the words Olivia used, but Alex could hear them just as clearly as if she had. The ADA's problem was her relentlessness, the need to keep going even after all hope had been lost, something that had been ingrained in her since childhood. Don't fail. Don't be an embarrassment. There is no try, only do. Still, she found that the more she did, the worse situations like these became. So though Olivia spoke with quintessential gentleness, looked at her with more compassion than the younger woman knew how to handle, cared for her injury almost reverently, and quite explicitly offered non-judgement, when her lips formed empathetic words, Alex was overcome with a gnawing sense of shame. She didn't deserve kindness, and she didn't deserve to be sitting next to Olivia Benson, lest she hurt her with her whirlwind of destruction. "Hurricane Alexandra," her father used to call her.</p><p>Hadn't she done enough?</p><p>At her extended silence, the detective placed a steadying hand over Alex's uninjured knee, before standing up and moving to sit beside her on the couch, purposefully keeping her distance. "Alex? Did you hear what I said?" she asked softly.</p><p>She had indeed heard what Olivia had said, but with more clarity, Alex heard the words that she should have said. The blonde nodded, a weak whisper the only thing she had the strength for. "Yeah."</p><p>She heard it loud and clear.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: I know I usually post longer chapters, but I think I'm going to keep these chapters relatively short for now, so that I can update more often. Would love to know what you think!<br/>-Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>I just posted the first of the “First Degree Snippets”, so I would love it if you took a look. Here is Chapter 3 of Stay.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 3</p><p>After her injury had been diligently cared for, Alex watched as Olivia cleaned up after herself, nimble fingers collecting band-aid wrappers and tired eyes searching for the trash can. It was as if her ability to make decisions had been compromised by sleep deprivation too. Little did Alex know that really, it was the blonde’s rose perfume and dream-like voice that had induced her hazy stupor.</p><p>Benson was generally good at hiding her true feelings. They teach you to put on a pretty convincing Poker Face at the academy, but for some reason Cabot’s mere presence was intoxicating. The woman commanded a court room the moment her heels began clacking against the linoleum flooring. She was such a big presence at 1 Hogan Place and in the Supreme Courthouse, and it was the fact that she now seemed so small that was pulling Olivia in. She needed to be cared for, like a child. And as long as she could remain close to her, then that was a duty the cop was happy to undertake. </p><p>As she cleaned up, Olivia deliberately kept her eyes down, but Alex did no such thing, as watching the brunette move about the house with such a look of concentration on her face was something to behold. A new reddening began on her cheeks as the attorney registered the familiar sensation of self-consciousness. It reminded her of being a teenager, of feeling unusually drawn to her female teachers, her female friends, her female counse—No. Stick to the facts, Cabot. This wasn’t about feelings. This was about her allowing herself to show up to her colleague’s apartment drenched in rain at two a.m. “The audacity,” her mother would say. </p><p>As Liv finished throwing away the products of her first-aid venture, Alex cleared her throat. “Thank you so much for assisting me in my predicament, Detective, but I know you have work in the morning. I should get going.”</p><p>When Olivia looked up at the ADA, the woman she’d been thinking about was gone. A vacant, glossy look took over her once clear blue eyes and it was as if someone had in the moment prior shoved an iron rod into her spine. All traces of vulnerability, of humanity, had vanished. Without thinking, she stood up to follow Alex to the door, at the very last second pushing her way in front of her very stunned colleague. “Alex, no.” Shit, now it was like she was trapping the attorney in her apartment. “I mean,” she stammered, feeling like an awkward teenager, “the sun will be coming up soon, and I can drop you off on the way to work. You can take the couch for a few hours.”</p><p>Alex didn’t understand why the other woman would extend herself so far for her. “Really?”</p><p>“Of course.” Olivia cleared her throat. “I wasn’t going to be sleeping anyway. Here,” she offered, intentionally lightening her voice. The last thing she wanted was for the clearly anxious woman to feel cornered. “Go sit on the couch, and I’ll bring you the tea I promised.”</p><p>It went against everything she’d taught herself to give in to such an invitation, but there was such an earnestness in Benson’s eyes that she didn’t think her lips could have formed the word “no” if she’d asked them to. “Okay,” the younger woman whispered, moving towards the couch.</p><p>When Liv returned with their drinks, she sat down carefully, handing the other woman her hot beverage. “It’s chamomile,” she explained.</p><p>“Thanks,” Alex muttered, holding up her mug as if in cheers. She took a deep breath, willing her pummeling heart to relax some. There was nothing wrong with casual conversation. “I really like this mug,” she commented, referring to the pattern on it.</p><p>“Oh, yeah? Thank you,” Olivia replied. “I actually used some scholarship money in college to travel abroad, and I visited Europe. That mug was crafted by an artisan in Barcelona.”</p><p>“I always wanted to travel,” Alex mused, letting her fingers trace the raised artwork on the cup she held, absorbing the warmth of the tea inside. “Never had the time.”</p><p>“Law school?” the older woman asked, sipping her tea and appreciating the warm liquid flowing down her throat. </p><p>“Oh, yeah,” the blonde confirmed. “But I do enjoy any artwork I can get my hands on, even local stuff. I appreciate any expression of human emotion.” It seemed counter-intuitive for such a closed off person to be drawn to creative outlets, but Alex had become accustomed to living vicariously through others. It almost felt real at times. </p><p>Olivia pulled her knees up to her chest, getting more comfortable on the couch. “What kind of art do you like?” she asked softly, preparing to internalize the sound of the other woman’s velvet voice as it spoke in her direction.</p><p>“My favorite is abstract,” she answered, her words crisp and confident. “Anything to take me out of reality.” Had she shared too much? Olivia didn’t seem put off by the statement, but still, this entire conversation was risky.</p><p>Benson hummed. “Reality isn’t always the best,” she acknowledged, continuing to warm her hands on the mug she held.</p><p>Alex nodded, a smirk forming on her lips. “You know what they say about the Egyptians, where they go when they don’t want to face reality…” The brunette looked at her with confusion for a few seconds before realizing that the most serious person she’d ever met was attempting to tell a joke. She gestured for her to continue. “De-nile river.”</p><p>It was the awkwardness of the moment and not the hilarity of the joke—even Alex knew it wasn’t funny—that caused the two women to erupt into a fit of giggles, the blonde even relaxing as far as to rest her hand on Olivia’s knee as they laughed. She watched as the older woman’s eyes locked onto the connection between their two bodies, but she didn’t pull away, both the detective and the attorney continuing to laugh. The touch felt natural to both of them, though each of them resisted the blush that threatened their cheeks. Alex saw the way Olivia looked at her, and it was eerily unfamiliar—the gaze was gentle, kind, but it was also longing. The blonde couldn’t recall ever being on the receiving end of such a combination. Liv had never known the ADA to initiate touch, but the fact that she did it at all made her feel less insane. Maybe this was normal. Maybe this was okay.</p><p>"This might sound crazy,” Olivia said after the laughter had died down, “but I don't think I've had a conversation of this much substance in years."</p><p>Alex nodded, humming as her own laughter came to a close. "Me neither."</p><p>Olivia thought for a moment, placing her mug on the table in front of them. She felt an obvious pull towards the attorney, and something inside of her told her the blonde may have felt the same way, but she understood enough about Alex to know that she wouldn’t likely acknowledge the attraction she was feeling. Liv vaguely recalled the prosecutor mentioning a woman she’d dated in passing, but other than that, the ADA seemed to keep to herself. Benson wasn’t doing much better, her fling with Cassidy being one of the most unfulfilling things she’d ever experienced, and though she loved Elliot deeply, she’d come to the conclusion that their relationship was one of survival, of coping together. It was co-dependent in the worst way, and though she’d never give it up, she doubted there was a chance for something more meaningful, not that she wanted more. But Detective Benson was tired of resigning herself to complete loneliness, and she imagined, though she’d never admit it, that Alex felt similarly. "You know, we don't have to live that way. We work together, sure, but not in the same office, and there's no reason we can't be friends."</p><p>"Friends." Alex let the world linger in the air, tasting it on her tongue. The term felt too intimate, yet somehow not intimate enough. It felt more good than bad though. Guilt settled in her stomach almost immediately, as she realized she was just minutes into this official friendship and had already committed a heinous act. "I'm sorry I lied to you, by the way."</p><p>Olivia had to call up the events of the last few weeks in her mind. "About the warrant?" Liv assumed.</p><p>"Yeah.” Alex sighed. She’d always justify her actions on some level, but she knew it was an ethical clusterfuck, and Donnelly had been right when she’d accused her of setting back civil liberties thirty years. “I get tunnel vision sometimes when cases heat up."</p><p>Olivia would have been a hypocrite if she hadn’t expressed at least some level of understanding. Did her trust for the ADA suffer some? Absolutely. But Benson couldn’t say she wouldn’t have done something similar if driven to desperation. "Don't mention it."</p><p>Alex still wanted to explain herself. She didn’t exactly know how to word it, and she wasn’t quite sure how much she was willing to give away, despite her growing rapport with her new “friend.” "I've always been dedicated to my job, but SVU is just..."</p><p>"Alex.” The older woman couldn’t let Alex continue. She was well aware of what SVU could do to an otherwise well-adjusted person, and she didn’t mean it as an insult, but ADA Cabot was clearly not well-adjusted. Neither was Olivia. It was sort of par for the course. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. SVU is different.”</p><p>"My father was an attorney, defense counsel to anyone who could afford him. And he always told me, 'Stick to the facts, Cabot.' But he never said where to turn when facts aren't enough. And that’s what kills me. Because facts don’t depend on someone’s ability to believe they’re true—unless you put them in front of a jury."</p><p>Olivia couldn’t disagree. Soon, she excused herself to her room and the blonde dozed on the couch for a few hours, the cop making good on her promise to drive Alex home. The two women began getting together for tea once a week after that—on a day of Olivia’s choosing, since she was the one with a job—and they discussed everything from theatre to history, from foreign languages to law. Laughter flowed easily between them, and so did more serious topics and everything in between.</p><p>One night, about a month after Alex had first shown up to Liv’s apartment, the brunette decided to address the elephant in the room. "Are you going back to work?"</p><p>"Oh, yeah. I was in a funk, but those rapists aren't going to put themselves away, and I have enough pride in myself to not want someone else representing the people in these cases."</p><p>That was the attorney Liv knew and—she chided herself, realizing she’d almost let herself think the word “love” in regard to the blonde. But the lapse in judgement faded away quickly, and she was able to successfully congratulate the woman who sipped tea beside her. How long was this going to last? “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you this month. I hope we can still hang out, even now that you’re going back to work.”</p><p>Say no, Cabot. This is a perfect excuse.</p><p>“Yeah, absolutely! I’ve spent too much time alone in my life, and I don’t want to go back to preparing summations alone in my office every night.” She grimaced at the aching honesty of the statement, but to Olivia’s credit, her eyes didn’t even register the drama or melancholy of the words.</p><p>“I…yes,” Liv laughed. “Like I said that night, we don’t have to live like that.”</p><p>After years of intentional isolation, the two women made a pact. Any time—day or night—either of them longed for a friend, a confidant, whenever she didn't want to be alone, she would reach out to the other for support. For a while, it was just movie nights and tea, skating and coffee before an arraignment, but a knock on Alex's door one late spring evening came along to change everything.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: I hope you all liked Chapter 3. Alex has by far been the easiest character I’ve written for. I hope it comes through well because it really does feel natural to write her. Let me know if there’s anything you’d like to see in this story, and feel free to check out the “First Degree Snippets”!</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 4 of Stay. I have this story planned out through Chapter 14 (though there will be many more after that), so if you like this story, the good news is there will be much more to come. Please, please, please, kudos, favorite, follow, comment, review if you like this story. The more following I have with this story, the quicker I’ll be motivated to upload. I know I’ve been doing it every day, but I have schools starting up again in a few weeks, so I’ll need all the motivation I can get. Hearing your thoughts and ideas is what I live for. Stay safe!<br/>Additional trigger warning for conversation about sexual assault that is more detailed than the previous chapters.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 4</p><p>Liv strode quickly into Alex’s penthouse after the door had been opened for her, collapsing dramatically onto the couch with a heavy sigh. This was part of their agreement. Olivia didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts, so she knocked on the younger woman’s door. Still, she said nothing, letting the fingers of both hands massage the tense muscles of her face, focusing on her eyelids and temples. She felt somewhat guilty for this, knowing that Alex was still struggling with everything regarding Sam Cavanaugh, but she knew that if the prosecutor was stewing in unhealthy thoughts, she’d want her to reach out. Unbeknownst to the detective, the younger woman was almost always stewing in unhealthy thoughts, and she only reached out a fraction of the time. They were the “suffer in silence” twins. </p><p>Comforting an upset loved one—where to start? This is something her parents should have taught her, should have modeled for her. She should know how to do this right. She should know how to feel with someone. Instead, the woman approached the older of the two as if she were a wounded animal. The ADA walked to the couch Olivia sat on, gently sitting down next to her. Usually, she was the one who went to Olivia with angsty crap, and it was out of character for the brunette to do so. That didn’t mean she wasn’t happy the brunette was sitting on her couch, of course. She was grateful she’d come over for two reasons. One, Cabot wanted to support her, even if she wasn’t quite good at it, and two, she’d never pass up an opportunity to see her. Maybe she could get her to smile, the sight that made Alex the happiest to see. "Are you okay, Liv? Are you having a bad day?" </p><p>"No, don't worry about me, Alex. I'm fine.” Olivia instantly regretted wearing her heart on her sleeve as she’d entered the penthouse. She should have plastered on a smile and a chipper tone and asked Alex her thoughts about the weather. It had rained that morning, and there was a beautiful double rainbow in the sky. But her and the ADA were not that type of people. Mindless chatter was just that. Mindless. And neither woman had the strength for it.  “Just wanted to hang out for a bit."</p><p>"No.” Olivia looked up instantly at the tone of the other woman’s voice. It was resolute. Demanding. “You've been such a good friend to me; there's no way I'm letting this be one-sided." She cringed at her choice of words. Her entire life was often one-sided. "I mean,” she amended, “I can tell that something is bothering you, and I just want you to talk to me. I want you to feel safe too." That was a better way of putting it, right?</p><p>Benson evaded eye contact. "Do you remember the Darrell Guan case?"</p><p>Alex nodded. "Of course." The defendant had argued that his becoming a rapist was a foregone conclusion, that it was inevitable because his father had been one too. The ADA thought it was utter bull, and at first, she’d considered it fairly weak as far as affirmative defenses were concerned. But it got attention, and Alex was actually a little surprised when the jury found him guilty. Nevertheless, she knew Guan got what he deserved. Did a part of her feel sympathy for him? Sure. But the man made the choice to be violent. Cabot knew what it was like to have all choice taken from her, and that wasn’t the case for Guan. Darrell Guan could have chosen not to commit his crimes, but that’s not the choice he made.</p><p>Olivia ran a hand through her hair anxiously, exhaling in an audible sigh. "Did I ever tell you why it hit me so hard?"</p><p>The blonde shook her head in the negative, migrating to the front of the couch so that she was leaning in Olivia’s direction. That’s how people knew you were listening to them. "No, I don't think so."</p><p>"Um…."</p><p>“Take your time, Liv,” she coaxed. It was the softest phrase that Alex had ever directed at Olivia, and it took all the willpower she had to resist the sob bubbling up in the back of her throat. Did she deserve this amount of compassion?</p><p>Meanwhile, Alex was doing an incredibly convincing job imitating her crush. Seek eye contact. Stay calm. Lean forward. Always express empathy. She wasn’t faking these things, but they didn’t quite come naturally to her the way they did for Detective Benson. However, the attorney was a quick study—she had to be in order to graduate at the top of her class at Harvard law school—and with each second that ticked by, she was becoming more comfortable with having this conversation. The type of conversation that only months ago would have been forbidden to her. </p><p>Olivia worried that this woman who meant so much to her, who had only recently opened herself up to a friendship, wouldn't see her the same way after she confessed who she was—what she was. But she figured it was too late to go back now, and it would be unfair of her to expect Alex to share things with her if she didn’t reciprocate. The blonde had said she didn’t want it to be one-sided. “Um, well, when I was a kid, my mom sat me down to have the sex talk.”</p><p>A blush spread instantly over both of the younger woman’s cheeks. She had been doing well until now, but she certainly wasn’t ready to have this conversation. She froze in helpless horror as her lungs strained and her heart frantically pumped against her ribcage. Would Liv notice? She had to try to keep her uncooperative body under control. No try, only do. Her body could never do anything right. “O-oh?” she managed.</p><p>Where was this going?</p><p>“It wasn’t an ordinary sex talk though.”</p><p>What even was an ordinary sex talk?</p><p>Before Cabot could indicate that she was still listening, Olivia continued her story. “She told me that when she was in college…” The first tears began falling from the cop’s eyes, and Alex could see the exact moment she decided not to resist the emotional release. She couldn’t relate.</p><p>“…a man pulled her into an alley, and…”</p><p>No. Not Liv’s mom. The woman’s voice seemed to fade in and out as Alex fought desperately to remain attentive, to listen to every harrowing detail. </p><p>“…she found out a few weeks later that she was pregnant…”</p><p>“…didn’t have an abortion…”</p><p>“…here I am…”</p><p>“…and sometimes I get so angry that I see myself resorting to violence. I kicked her into a wall once. She was drunk. It was self-defense, but sometimes I wonder….”</p><p>Olivia didn’t say anything else, and Alex was running out of time to produce an appropriate response. Of course the Guan case felt personal to the detective. She saw herself in him. But Alex had looked into the man’s eyes. The manner of their conception was the only thing they had in common. </p><p>Quick. What was the first thing Benson said to victims after they’d disclosed? “Liv, I’m so sorry. I…didn’t know.”</p><p>She chuckled, not an ounce of genuine mirth in her voice. “Well, I don’t exactly broadcast it.”</p><p>Alex thought for a moment. “Thank you for telling me.”  Her voice was soft, empathetic. She’d mastered the skill. Hopefully, she could hold on to it. Shakily, she extended her hand out towards the woman, feeling as desperate to comfort her as the brunette felt to be comforted herself. They both needed the contact. Olivia clasped the younger woman’s hand in hers with a grateful hum. "It's been months. Why is it coming up now?"</p><p>"I've just been struggling with”—an awkwardly long pause—"something.” Alex bobbed her head to show that she followed. That made two of them who were struggling with something. But could it have been the same thing? Or at least different sides to the same coin? All Alex knew was that her fingers tingled in Olivia’s grasp, the instinctual need to pull away being just barely overridden by a new type of need—closeness, connection. Liv pinched the bridge of her nose with her free hand. “Your closing statement was so passionate. Do you really think there isn't a significant genetic link between—" She cut herself off, gesturing vaguely at her own body.</p><p>Fuck. Another test. Could she say the right thing? Breathe, Cabot. Stick to the facts. “I think choice is often times a complicated and nuanced issue. Here, it isn’t. I didn’t choose to have blonde hair or to need glasses. I chose to let you in tonight, and I choose every day not to hurt people.” At least not purposefully, she added in her own mind. “Guan didn’t choose his parents, his upbringing. But he chose to attack those women.”</p><p>“But there’s still evidence—"</p><p>Alex put up her hand to stop her, the need to explicitly address the other woman’s concerns overwhelming her. "Are you asking me if I think you're capable of rape?” The older woman couldn’t bring herself to speak, but after a moment, she nodded, grimacing as she waited for a response. “You're not capable of rape, Olivia."</p><p>The certainty with which she spoke was disconcerting. The sentence left no room for doubt, and yet Olivia couldn’t stop the wheels turning in her mind. The brunette looked shamefully down at the ground, her eyes dejectedly downcast as she muttered a question that shattered the attorney’s glass heart to pieces. "How can you be so sure, Al?"</p><p>Alex looked at the other woman, chocolate irises brimming with tears, and she just knew. She knew gentle eyes. "I just am." The drill sergeant in her mind wouldn't allow her to provide the evidence. It wasn't anything that would hold up in court, but Alex didn't know what else to say. She'd seen the propensity for violence in someone's eyes before. More than once. Liv had not a trace in her orbs, and Alex couldn't resist the pull of this unimaginable warmth, this unfathomable safety, any longer. As her drill sergeant screamed, begged for her to stop, the attorney ignored each desperate plea, something she had never once allowed herself to do. </p><p>Despite her better judgement, Olivia didn't stop her when the blonde beauty leaned impossibly close to her, didn't protest when her nose brushed delicately against her own, and she definitely didn't pull away when Alex's lips ghosted impossibly softly against hers. Perhaps Olivia had even aided in the initiation.</p><p>Wrong. </p><p>The word rang heavily in Benson's ear as she pressed her mouth harder against the other woman's. She knew it was wrong. This entire thing had started when Alex had come to confide in a friend, and Olivia was taking advantage of her vulnerability. She was preparing to put a stop to the madness when it occurred to her that the ADA had initiated the contact. Cabot trusted her. She had said it herself. She didn’t believe the detective was even capable of taking advantage of her. And if this was wrong, why did it feel so right? Besides, she was the vulnerable one today, and she was perfectly competent to make the decision to respond to the achingly gentle brush of Alex's lips. </p><p>The prosecutor didn’t know what to think. She felt Olivia hesitate for a fraction of a second, her lips still against the younger woman’s as she wrestled with an impossible decision. Alex had always been a closed book, but somehow, she could read Olivia with acute accuracy. She was scared to respond to the kiss, but the blonde could tell she wanted to. She had met her halfway after all. She hadn’t been quite sure how to ask for consent to kiss the woman she was falling head over heels in love with, but after the moment of hesitation, Liv seemed to be enthusiastic. She’d certainly never went into a relationship this way, though she always, always made the first move. If the other woman tried, Alex would immediately pull away. Eagerness was not safe. But this was. Or at least, her inner monologue had decided to shut the fuck up for long enough for the woman to experience a morsel of pleasure, of connection. It was a small moment of peaceful quiet in her mind, the heavenly sensation of the brunette’s mouth caressing hers leaving no room for anything else, but the lawyer knew it wouldn’t last long. It never did.</p><p>Their bodies coming together in such a way felt like home. It felt like what had been missing in Olivia’s life until then, which she knew sounded cheesy, but if anyone had argued that point with her, she’d counterpoint with “Have you seen Alex Cabot? Heard her voice? Watched her agonize over the trial of a case? Empathize with a victim? Fight like hell for justice?” Because if they hadn’t, Liv was prepared to say they had no standing to contest the way her heart swelled with joy as porcelain fingers tangled into her wispy hair. She had the right to want this. When she pulled away, the brunette reveled in the closeness for a moment, Alex’s nose bumping affectionately against hers.  Their whole worlds were spinning. "What was that?" she whispered, breathless. </p><p>"Something I've been wanting to do for more than a year."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: I had originally intended on making this story a slow burn, but honestly I don’t have that kind of patience. Things are not happily ever after for our ladies yet though. We have some demons to work through, and there will be struggles. If you’ve read my other stories, you know I am incapable of writing anything other than angst. Thanks for sticking with me!<br/>-Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 5 of Stay. Happy to know people are still interested. Updates may slow down a bit, but they are coming, so keep on the lookout. Things are about to get bumpy for our favorite ladies, but stay with me because it’s just part of the journey. I have 27 chapters planned out now. As always, I appreciate your feedback, ideas, etc.<br/>Additional trigger warning for sexual assault related flashbacks and the use of a homophobic slur.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay <br/>Chapter 5 </p>
<p>Alex returned to the loft area of her penthouse carrying with her two mugs of freshly brewed tea. "So, I guess we have a lot to talk about, huh?" she asked, her hands trembling, an anxious chuckle following the question.</p>
<p>Talking. Not the attorney's favorite activity, that is, unless she was delivering a scathing closing argument before a jury. But not even the judgement of a trial jury carried as much weight as Olivia's opinion of her did. Why did she care so much? Her entire life had been an exercise in developing a thick skin, always keeping her chin up, and always, always ignoring what other people thought of her. It was the only way to succeed as a Cabot, or so she'd been taught religiously. But all the years of pretending had caught up with her, and the place in her body where self-reflection should reside was all dug out and hollow, a hole replacing what should have been a toolbox for connecting with others.</p>
<p>Now, as Olivia gave her a small nod and a smile, she found herself questioning if the brunette's life was also a lie. Cabot was sure the amount of times she'd faked a smile in someone else's direction exceeded numerical measure. Could Liv be pulling off the same feat as she looked at her with a soft expression, an emotion in her eyes that the blonde couldn't quite place? As the older woman rhythmically tapped the sofa she sat on, encouraging the ADA to sit beside her, Alex allowed herself to come to the conclusion that she was indeed being real with her. Olivia put up a shield sometimes, told lies of omission when necessary, but she had a conscience, had been raised with the semblance of a conscience, and when the prosecutor looked into those eyes, she had her answer.</p>
<p>The verdict was in. Olivia was not guilty of being ingenuine.</p>
<p>And, as much as the thought terrified her, in this moment, as relief wafted over her in waves, neither was Alex.</p>
<p>The blonde handed the older woman her tea, curling up on the other end of the couch and wrapping her hands around the warm ceramic, allowing the temperature of the mug to calm her nerves just a little.. This mug was the one Olivia had bought in Spain, the one they had discussed in Olivia's apartment. The detective had gifted it to her shortly after. "I don't…I don't know what to say," she forced out, beads of sweat forming on her forehead and the palms of her still shaky hands. "Usually, I'm better at this."</p>
<p>Better at dominating the conversation.</p>
<p>Better at laying out expectations.</p>
<p>Better at not melting under the compassionate gaze of the woman she was falling—</p>
<p>Oh, God. The mental expletive barely crossed her mind before she shoved it away with unimaginable force. She hadn't prayed since she was eleven, when she vowed never to entertain the idea again. Fortunately for her hammering heart, Alex's thoughts soon returned to earthly matters and the fact that she had acknowledged to herself that she was falling in love with Olivia. The worst offense in her book. She was already too vulnerable, and she could feel Hurricane Alex gaining speed, picking up momentum, and barreling right towards Olivia's unsuspecting heart.</p>
<p>Benson found the poorly concealed blush to be a beautiful contrast to the younger woman's otherwise pale skin, and she reached out a hand towards her, knowing the nervous woman wasn't within arm's reach. She allowed her hand to rest on the couch about a foot away from the attorney, and she gave her another one of those smiles. "You don't need to be so self-conscious about this, Al." The nickname flew out against the brunette's will, and she knew it landed meaningfully in Cabot's ears due to the deepening of the blush on her cheeks.</p>
<p>Alex's lungs seized for a moment, and she was unable to take in any air.</p>
<p>Al. Liv cared for her enough to give her a nickname, something that she hadn't experienced before. Her own family had exclusively referred to her as Alexandra, or—her father's version of a term of endearment—Hurricane Alexandra. She had actually been the one to start calling herself Alex, as a way to slightly separate herself from her parents and because answering the phone, "Judge Harriman's office. This is Alexandra Cabot speaking. How may we assist you?" was way too much of a mouthful, and for some reason, losing the two syllables was freeing, saying goodbye to "-andra" was freeing. Losing another syllable at Olivia's hands sounded incredible. That's why she was blushing even more furiously than before. Maybe one day she could lose her name entirely. Maybe she could just be…blank. Carte blanche. Clean slate.</p>
<p>A new beginning. Wouldn't that be something?</p>
<p>"Sorry," the brunette muttered, realizing she was making the other woman more uncomfortable, not less. "I just mean we're in the same boat."</p>
<p>Were they?</p>
<p>"I know," Alex said, nodding. "And I like Al, by the way. It's sweet." She succumbed to the urge to be closer to the cop, deftly swatting away her drill sergeant when it spoke to her harshly, judgement lacing its nonempathetic voice.</p>
<p>Olivia met her in her pursuit of closeness, offering her hand out to the other woman. Alex didn't give herself enough time to think before she allowed their fingers to embrace, using all the strength she had to hide the catch of her breath at the back of her throat. She turned her attention to the brunette, who was preparing to speak. "Can I ask—what did you expect to happen when you kissed me?"</p>
<p>"I…I don't know," Alex decided to admit. "I couldn't think beyond the need to be closer to you. Does that make me irresponsible?" She already knew the answer, so why was she asking Liv, someone who probably wouldn't understand why this was so hard for her? Why was she asking someone who was attracted to her, who was invested in the matter, and who likely wanted something from the attorney? Why was Olivia's opinion so important to her?</p>
<p>Benson squeezed the younger woman's hand. "I think that makes you human."</p>
<p>She swallowed hard, watching the cop's fingers explore the skin of her hand, begging her body to keep its reactions in check. "So, where do we go from here?"</p>
<p>Liv chuckled, the thumb of her right hand tracing circles into the other woman's. Wasn't that the million-dollar question? "Listen, I'm in no rush. At the end of the day, I'm just relieved to know you like me."</p>
<p>The smile on Alex's face dissipated in response, and she fearfully jerked her hand away as if it had been burned, cradling the appendage that had been touching the brunette against her chest. Olivia was baffled by the sudden change in her body language, and she wasn't sure how to proceed. What had she said or done for Alex to be looking at her like that? For both of them, the moment in a bottle they'd created, the air of release, of hope, had shattered into pieces, and each of the women were afraid to move, to step on the broken glass strewn about between them.</p>
<p>The feeling of being frozen in place wasn't new to Alex, but knowing she was paralyzed, her body firmly planted on the couch as Liv looked at her, was enough to send adrenaline coursing through her veins. The attorney's drill sergeant, who was really just a conglomeration of people she'd known and her own protective instinct, began screaming.</p>
<p>"Don't be an embarrassment."</p>
<p>"We're in God's house, Alexandra."</p>
<p>"What are you, a dyke?"</p>
<p>"Stop spewing such nonsense, Hurricane Alexandra."</p>
<p>"I heard you liked me."</p>
<p>"C'mon, I know you like me."</p>
<p>"Don't you like me?"</p>
<p>"If they didn't believe you after Pastor Paul, what makes you think they'll believe you now?"</p>
<p>"No one cares about you."</p>
<p>"No one is safe."</p>
<p>The last phrase reverberated through her ears, and she felt the vibration of her body's own warning. She jumped up off the couch, a hand coming to conceal her lips as they quivered. A series of staccato sentences scratched their way weakly through Alex's voice box. "I'm so sorry, Liv. I don't know why I kissed you. I can't do this. I have to go."</p>
<p>Olivia wasn't sure what was going on, but she recognized the telltale signs of someone leaving their body in order to protect themselves. She extended her arm out between them, lowering her voice. "Alex," she said cautiously, "we're in your penthouse."</p>
<p>Not a beat passed. "Then you have to go."</p>
<p>Benson finally stood from her seat, watching the ADA back up in attempt to get away from her. She stopped her pursuit entirely when the blonde collided with the wall, shaking the framed artwork that adorned it as she slid along its length and crumpled into a ball at the bottom. Olivia sighed. This wasn't the reaction of just any nervous person. "Al—"</p>
<p>It was too much. She felt like her brain was about to explode. "No! Please just go."</p>
<p>"Alex." She crouched to eye level several feet away from the shaking woman, searching for eye contact and failing to establish it. "I'm not going to stay if you don't want me to, but I need to know that you're safe if I go."</p>
<p>Olivia could hear a distinctive whimper explode from the recesses of her throat as she buried her head under her arms. "I'm never safe."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thanks for reading! I know this was an intense one, but all will be explained in time. Comments are my motivation to continue!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.</p><p>Here is Chapter 6 of Stay. Sorry to keep you waiting! As always, I appreciate your feedback, ideas, etc.</p><p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p><p>Chapter 6</p><p>Olivia hadn't known what to do. She knew herself well enough that she was painfully aware that whatever her decision, she'd end up regretting it. So, she fell back on her training, letting Alex make the choice. And she'd made it clearly, forcefully. So, quickly she scribbled a note on a piece of paper and left, the blonde's sobs audible down the hall.</p><p>She hated herself. She hated what she did to Alex, just leaving her there like that. Though she kept trying to remind herself that it's what the younger woman had wanted, was she really capable of making that decision in such a state? She'd called her. More than once. Left messages. Told her about the note. Nothing for two days. Maybe she needed space. Benson figured she'd wait until Monday, and if she hadn't received word, she'd send some unis on a wellness check.</p><p>But even then, she couldn't convince herself she'd made the right decision. So she allowed herself to become enveloped in a hypothetical. What if she had stayed? Would she have gathered Alex into her arms and promised her everything would be okay? Was it even something she did that had triggered the attorney's reaction? And if not—and if so—what were their next steps? Would Alex have confessed her life's secrets to the woman she'd—maybe—just entered into a relationship with? Would Benson have been able to comfort the blonde at all—Detective Benson coming to the rescue, like a superhero? Was Alex just going to uncurl from her ball of terror on the ground and announce that things were good again just because the older woman had stuck around against the ADA's wishes? None of these things were probable, and the truth of the matter was her presence could have conceivably made the situation much worse. This wouldn't be an easy fix. Because whatever Cabot was afraid of, she had attached the adverse stimulus irrevocably to Olivia. She had just said that the detective wasn't capable of rape and then kissed her. What had changed?</p><p>At least being at SVU offered a distraction. She was unusually delighted to answer the phone when a call came in that morning. She took a moment to temper her enthusiasm before bringing the handset to her right ear. "SVU. This is Detective Benson." She covered the bottom speaker with her hand in order to conceal the shaky breath she forced through her throat as she prepared to listen.</p><p>"Um, hi."</p><p>It sounded like a young woman. Liv softened her voice. "Hi. My name is Olivia Benson. Can I ask who's calling?"</p><p>"My name is Tara Andersen. I was raped last night."</p><p>Olivia signaled Elliot over to her desk, putting the phone on speaker. "I'm so sorry, Tara. Thank you for calling. Can I ask where you are right now?"</p><p>"I'm in my apartment." She paused for a moment. "I'm alone."</p><p>"I'm glad to hear that, Tara. Are you hurt?" Benson asked gently, scribbling her name down on her notepad.</p><p>"I…I don't know," the woman responded.</p><p>"Okay, well, how about we send an ambulance to your apartment, and I'll meet you there too?"</p><p>"Um…." Olivia could hear Tara considering her options for a few seconds. "Okay."</p><p>"Great." Liv readied the tip of her pen against the notepad. "Can I have your address?"</p><p>She wrote down the address and the apartment number, and she quickly instructed Tara to stay put until the ambulance got there. After she hung up, she turned to Elliot, handing the sticky note to him. "Can you get a bus to this address? I'm gonna go by myself. She seems pretty freaked out." She grabbed her jacket. It wasn't cold outside, but it had been pouring all morning, and there as of yet was no sign of a rainbow.</p><p>"Should I give EMS a hospital?"</p><p>"Uh," she thought, pulling her hood over her head, "Mercy's closer to her address, yeah?"</p><p>Stabler thought for a moment and then nodded. "Got it. Keep us updated. I'll brief the captain."</p><p>She patted his shoulder in thanks before running out into the dreary day, holding her jacket closed protectively around her body.</p><p>She quickly made it to the apartment, arriving only moments after the bus. She kindly introduced herself to Tara, age twenty-two, who had returned to her apartment early that morning after a man she'd been on a date with had attacked her. She rode with her to Mercy and took her statement. It was a pretty coherent story, as far as disclosures go, and when the woman had asked for some privacy during the rape kit, the detective stepped out to update the squad.</p><p>An arrest was made quickly, and Olivia shared the news with her new charge. Though Tara had only met him once, she seemed confident in her ability to pick him out of a lineup, and so once she'd been discharged from Mercy Hospital with only minor injuries, she and Olivia headed back to the station, and the detective led her to an empty interview room to wait for a few minutes.</p><p>She approached the observation area afterwards to find only Stabler and Langan. The bastard had lawyered up quickly, the sign of an intelligent innocent man or a terrified guilty man, and Benson noticed he didn't seem smart. "Hey, have you seen Cabot? Shouldn't she be here for the lineup?"</p><p>"The people seem eager to try this case," Langan commented sarcastically, impatiently, as if the squad was wasting his time. Olivia was immediately overcome with protectiveness for the ADA. She wanted to defend her, offer an excuse, but she realized she really had no idea what to say.</p><p>Elliot simply rolled his eyes, ignoring the defense attorney. "She called Cragen and gave us the go ahead to book him if Tara makes the ID." At least Don had heard from her. Good thing she'd decided against that wellness check. She didn't want Alex to feel smothered. "Captain said she's sick. We can catch her up tomorrow."</p><p>When Tara had correctly identified number three in the lineup, Olivia drove her home, promising to keep her updated, and Elliot and Munch had read the rapist, Patrick O'Doherty, his rights, leading him to a holding cell.</p><p>Cabot was once more a no show the next day. She'd called in a green attorney for O'Doherty's arraignment. "Still sick?" the brunette asked, trying not to sound desperate.</p><p>"Apparently she has the flu."</p><p>"It's not flu season." Maybe it was to spare herself the pain of the truth, but Olivia had allowed that first day of Alex avoiding her, taking the sting and giving the other woman the benefit of the doubt. Things had ended awkwardly, and she wasn't exactly looking forward to addressing the issue either. But twice in a row? Cabot never worked from home. She had once prosecuted a perp while so sick that she had to keep sipping water in order to retain a strong enough voice to make her—eventually winning—case. So if she were avoiding work now, after being so enthusiastic about returning, there could only be one reason.</p><p>She was afraid of Olivia.</p><p>She was so afraid of Olivia that she couldn't even bear to be in the same room as her.</p><p>She barely registered the noncommittal shrug that Elliot gave her.</p><p>Benson had almost convinced herself to knock on Alex's door, something she'd been debating doing on and off for the past seventy-two hours. But as soon as she'd made the decision to do so, a cold dread penetrated her bones. This would be the farthest thing from helpful. If Cabot was afraid of her, showing up at her penthouse was the worst thing she could do.</p><p>She never should have told her about her father.</p><p>Alex absolutely despised herself.</p><p>It was raining again, that hot late May rain, a glorious thunderstorm, thunder booming and electricity cracking as the clouds dueled in the sky above her. She'd ruined everything. She walked along the sidewalk, a soaked piece of paper clutched desperately in her hand, grateful that the steady fall of rain concealed her tears. What had she done? Her one chance at something meaningful—gone. Because she was too cowardly to show her face to Olivia after what had happened. And skirting her work responsibilities as well? How the hell was she supposed to try a case from her bedroom, crying her eyes out and wishing herself away? She was failing yet another victim, this time a young woman who would have had a fairly solid case had she been lucky enough to receive a competent prosecutor. She deserved the sideways abuse from the rain, the threat of lightning looming not too far behind her as she walked down the sidewalk. Her head hung low, something she'd been taught never to do, but the last drop of pride she'd had evaporated as she'd collided with the wall in her penthouse the previous Friday night.</p><p>She shook her head at how pathetic she was. She'd completely given up the ability to handle situations like these, always settling for cordiality, not even learning how to manage conflict in interpersonal relationships. She'd given up a chance at normalcy. And for what? To impress her parents? Where were they now? God, she was a joke.</p><p>No. Don't bring Him into this.</p><p>One foot in front of the other.</p><p>When she arrived at her destination, she wiped the drenched soles of her shoes off on the mat inside the building, escaping the sting of the high velocity rainfall. She dragged herself up several flights of stairs.</p><p>Why was she doing this? What would it accomplish? Another thing to add to the list of embarrassments, no doubt.</p><p>There was no reason she should expect this to be productive or successful in any way. She'd lost her chance. At love. At happiness. At peace. But still, when she closed her eyes, she could picture the inviting smile that she'd become so attached to, the hair she longed to rake her fingers through day in and day out, the eyes, those chocolate brown orbs that said everything she needed to hear without any effort.</p><p>For as long as Alex Cabot had the misfortune of living, she'd never forget those eyes.</p><p>She forced composure on herself, taking the stairs slowly towards the place she'd surely be met with rejection, stopping in front of the door that just days ago would have brought her butterflies and excitement. Now, she could barely bring herself to shift her gaze upwards towards where she would knock if she could stomach it. She cared so much. Too much. If this was a lesson in anything, it was a lesson in the fact that there were no exceptions to the rule. No "but she's not like the others". No "but I deserve companionship." No "this time will be different."</p><p>Stick to the facts, Hurricane Alexandra. Head high. Chin up. Don't be an embarrassment.</p><p>Anything but total apathy just brought her pain.</p><p>And she'd unequivocally brought it on herself.</p><p>She knocked three times, and when the door opened, the icy façade she'd been coaxing herself to turn to melted away.</p><p>Those eyes. Brimming with tears and a sense of relief the likes of which Alex had never seen before. Her own eyes watered in response, her lip quivering hopelessly as she sobbed out something her drill sergeant certainly hadn't given its blessing for.</p><p>"I'm not used to being alone anymore."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Hope is on the horizon, friends, but we've still got a long way to go. Thanks for sticking with me! Stay safe!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 7 of Stay. As always, I appreciate your feedback, ideas, etc.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 7</p>
<p>Neither woman questioned it as Alex stepped directly into the detective's waiting arms, a small whimper escaping her throat without consent. "Oh, sweetheart," Olivia whispered, the word flowing out of her like thick molasses, smooth and oh, so sweet. "You're drenched."</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry, Liv," the blonde wept, and the other woman just held her closer.<br/>
"Shhh," she cooed softly. "Shhh. You're okay, Al."</p>
<p>God, what a mess she was. She mentally kicked herself for mentioning God again. There was no God in Alex Cabot's life, save for the drill sergeant she'd taken up ignoring recently. After she'd gotten herself together, she pulled back, Olivia immediately releasing her but keeping her face cradled loosely between both of her hands. "Let's get you dried off and then we can talk, yeah?"</p>
<p>And so here they were again, the brunette offering the way too imposing ADA a change of clothes and some tea. The only difference was this time, Olivia changed too, Alex's wet clothing having soaked through Benson's as well. "I'm sorry," she found herself whispering repeatedly, though Liv wouldn't be able to hear the phrase from the other side of the bathroom door. "I'm sorry," she said to the oversized pair of underwear she pulled up her legs. "I'm sorry," she told the queen-sized bed that had become damp with the rainwater as it fell off of her cold skin. "I'm sorry," she sniffled to no one and nothing in particular as she wrung her hair out with the towel the detective had provided her. "I'm sorry," she murmured at herself as a newly changed Olivia exited her bathroom once she'd ensured Alex was properly covered. "I'm sorry," the attorney whispered once more, the brunette barely picking up on the end of it.</p>
<p>"What's that?"</p>
<p>"Oh, nothing." She forced a chuckle. "I talk to myself sometimes."</p>
<p>Olivia just nodded. "C'mon. Let's go sit on the couch."</p>
<p>Alex had placed the wet, crumpled up piece of paper on the bed as she changed, and now she held it once again, squeezing some residual water from it and clutching it like a lifeline. Taking a few moments to remember the words that had been written on it in Olivia's signature handwriting, she tucked in protectively into the pocket of Liv's pajama pants. At the end of the day, if she lost Olivia, she would always have these words.</p>
<p>After Liv brewed their tea, both women sat together on the couch, neither speaking for several minutes. Both women also ignored their hot beverages, staring at the darkened water. Alex fiddled with her teabag, forcing flavor into her cup, but Olivia just stared into the murky pool in the mug she held, pondering where to start. Eventually, she put the now lukewarm tea down on the table in front of them.<br/>
"I'm sorry I left."</p>
<p>Alex looked up at the sound of Liv's regretful voice, following suit with her own mug. "I'm not."</p>
<p>Benson shook her head. The sight of the woman, crying and soaked from head to toe at her apartment door, had solidified for her that she'd made a mistake. If Alex had sought her out, then she wasn't afraid of her, and Olivia could have helped if she'd only stayed. "I shouldn't have left you alone."</p>
<p>"You respect me."</p>
<p>The attorney offered no other explanation. "What?"</p>
<p>Alex often used three- or four-worded phrases in answers to questions. Must have been from her many years prepping witnesses for cross. If it's a yes or no question, always answer with just yes or no. If it isn't, make your answers as brief as possible. Alex lived her life as if she were always on the witness stand and Langan or Kressler was digging his heels in. A detailed answer was nothing but ammunition for the other side. At this present moment, however, in the case of Trust Olivia v. Don't Trust Olivia, Trust Olivia was winning, so she elaborated. "I asked you to leave and you did. That meant—means—the world to me. I read your note."</p>
<p>"Oh?" For some reason, Benson had convinced herself that Alex either hadn't found the note or had chosen not to read it.</p>
<p>The blonde nodded. The detective could hardly remember what she'd written, but Alex had every word memorized. She revealed what remained of the paper ripped from her own legal notepad, including the ink that was bleeding through the page. It didn't matter that it was no longer legible, and as she placed the water-logged material down on the couch between them, she began to recite. "'I'm not upset with you. I'm so sorry I scared you. I'm leaving because that's what you want, but call me please when you're ready to talk. XO, Liv.'"</p>
<p>The older woman hadn't been particularly proud of the note, but she figured it would get the job done. She wasn't so sure anymore, now that Alex was silently staring at the blue ink dripping onto the couch similarly to the way her tears had earlier been dripping down her cheeks. Olivia shook her head at the comparison. The blue ink was regular. Ordinary. The color of the prosecutor's eyes resembled the sky on the clearest day of the year. Light, but deep and soulful if you looked in just the right way. Spontaneously, Cabot spoke, delivering another one of her quintessentially brief responses. "I'm not afraid of you." She was addressing the note, attempting to quell Olivia's fears.</p>
<p>But Olivia didn't know what else could have happened. In the moments before she jerked away from the brunette, Cabot had been touching her and listening to her speak. What else was there? Was there an invisible enemy there that Liv couldn't see? And if there was, did the experienced SVU detective even want answers? Would she be able to stomach them? "Then what are you afraid of? Why did you run away that night? I mean, I know I'm the one who left, but it was clear you were running from something."</p>
<p>The ADA wasn't offended by the accusation. She tended not to take offense at allegations that weren't false. She'd fight an untrue claim until she went to her grave, but Olivia's words didn't allow for her to plead not guilty. Alex was no stranger to lying, but this she could not bring herself to do. Liv knew what she saw that night, and Cabot was not going to make her feel crazy by denying that it had happened that way. "I'm not totally sure to be honest." It was only a partial lie. She did know one of the reasons, but sometimes her drill sergeant had a mind of its own and only explained its intentions and justifications after the fact. Sometimes it never did, leaving Alex to pathetically wonder why she'd just been triggered—that was the appropriate word, right?—by an Easter egg or a beachfront. Or a happily married couple. Or a Christmas movie. Or a Girl Scout. "I'm a lot jumpier than most people expect." That was entirely true. "I don't want you to worry about it. I just get overwhelmed sometimes. It wasn't your fault." When she strung it together like that, her previous partners had usually been placated, but one look at Olivia's face revealed that the comforting words hadn't had the desired effect.</p>
<p>The brunette nodded after a long pause. "Okay." She wasn't sure if Alex assumed she was just oblivious or if she was simply grateful the brunette had chosen to ignore the obvious holes in her answers, but Olivia knew something was off here. She knew that Alex was still intentionally hiding something from her, but she also knew that the extremely careful woman would require time to truly confide in her, and she hoped the progression of their relationship would aid in that process. She may have been a glutton for punishment, but this woman she cared for so deeply deserved patience. She knew had the situation been reversed, Alex would have afforded her the same, in her own way.</p>
<p>"Okay?" Alex hadn't expected this.</p>
<p>"Yeah, sweetie." Though it was the second term of endearment Olivia had used in the past hour or so, it surprised her just the same as the first. "Sweetie" was a word that meant something—it meant care, maybe even admiration. She couldn't recall the last time her mom had used it. She must have been five or six. Her mother hadn't called her anything other than "Alexandra" since just after her baptism. She saved the "Hurricane" prefix for Mr. Cabot. "I don't feel entitled to an extravagant story, Al. You don't owe me every detail of your life. We have time for you to become more comfortable with opening up. Time for you to learn that you can trust me with the hard stuff. I want you to share with me because I care about you, but for now, all that matters is that things are good between us."</p>
<p>"Are they?"</p>
<p>Olivia gave her a nod and a small smile, scooting incrementally closer to the attorney as she spoke. "They're good with me if they're good with you."</p>
<p>"Good. Cause I'd really like to kiss you again." Cabot, you're walking a tightrope here.</p>
<p>"I want to too, but last time—"</p>
<p>"It wasn't because of the kiss." Not really, anyway. "Remember what I said about you not being capable...?" She trailed off. She felt like there were a finite number of times she was allowed to utter the word "rape" aloud in her lifetime, and she was rapidly approaching the limit. Olivia nodded, nervous. Alex reached out to interlace their fingers, hesitating when the other woman's digits twitched against hers. "I still believe that," she promised, relieved when the brunette returned the physical contact. "I still know that."</p>
<p>Once again, she initiated the contact. The least she could do was prove to the other woman how deep her trust went. She couldn't voluntarily control all of her reactions to touch and to words, but she could choose this. She could choose to lean forward and tangle her fingers through Olivia's short hair, something she'd been dreaming about since her panic had subsided that night in the penthouse. She could choose to let her lips dance against the brunette's, slow and languid, in a promise of the faith she had in her. She could choose to sigh in response to the touch of Liv's insistent yet careful fingers, and she could choose to relish in the way they whispered along her sides as she sat up on her knees. Most importantly, she could choose to send her drill sergeant packing, to allow herself another moment of weakness, of vulnerability, until that one moment evolved into a succession of moments—a succession of beautiful moments made up of sensation, of closeness, and of connection. She could choose this.</p>
<p>Choice was a powerful thing.</p>
<p>Olivia's head was swimming. Alex tasted of roses, of sweetness, and of perfection. She could drink her in for hours, the brunette decided, reveling in the slight shiver that followed her fingers as they ghosted along porcelain skin. Cabot must trust her, the detective told herself, if she was surrendering so totally into this kiss. Liv didn't want to ruminate on the other possible reasons Alex had given in to this—although her conscience told her to—because truth be told, it would take a lot to fake this kind of enthusiasm. Olivia had done her part. She had ensured that Alex wanted to be close to her like this, had made sure she didn't fear for her safety in the brunette's presence. Her half was done. The rest of the communication would naturally have to fall to Alex. Interpersonal communication wasn't always the prosecutor's forte, but kissing, that she was good at.</p>
<p>So both women just let go. After the tension of the past few days, they deserved that much, didn't they? They deserved to relax into the embrace and learn as much about the other's body as possible. For example, Alex learned that each time she caressed the area behind Olivia' ear, she'd moan in approval. And Olivia learned that though the blonde liked to keep her fingers tightly wound in her hair, each time the older woman returned the gesture and held possessively onto her face and hair as they kissed, Alex would completely melt into a puddle in her arms.</p>
<p>Both women pulled away at the same time, desperately needing air to fill their burning lungs. "So, are we…" It was almost as if Alex had momentarily forgotten the English language. "Dating?"</p>
<p>Liv's brow furrowed. "Why do you say it like it's not something people do?"</p>
<p>Alex shrugged. Maybe because she wasn't a person. "It's just been a while." The blonde was satisfied with that answer. It was convincing enough. Human enough. Olivia would likely brush it off.</p>
<p>"Do you want to be dating?" Liv's question was slow, cautious, as if she were concerned about the notion of "poking the bear". That made Alex a bear. Was the spectacle she'd caused Thursday night as bad for Olivia as it had felt for her? Is that why she had on those eyes, the eyes she usually reserved for a survivor in the hospital or a lost puppy wandering in the dark? Is that what Alex was to the detective—a lost puppy? She certainly felt like one.</p>
<p>"Yeah," was all the younger woman could get out in a hoarse whisper. It wasn't particularly enthusiastic, but Olivia knew that the attorney wasn't particularly enthusiastic about much, and so she accepted the response.</p>
<p>"Yeah?" she repeated, this time in a question.</p>
<p>Alex nodded, and then a shiver ran up her spine, causing her whole body to convulse obviously for what felt like an eternity. She felt her cheeks redden considerably and was shocked when two gentle fingers came to rest against her chin, gingerly nudging it upwards so that the women's eyes could meet. Olivia had been so careful, which she'd appreciated, but if she really was going to date the brunette—if she were going to be her girlfriend—then at least in some respects, she wanted the full girlfriend treatment, and that included being touched by those delicate hands. Liv had a question, and after all the deflecting and half-responses, she wanted at least one clear answer.</p>
<p>"Are you okay, love?" How many of these sweet words did Olivia plan to use against her? How many would shoot an arrow through her heart and make her weak at the knees and weak…everywhere else? Alex didn't think anyone had ever referred to her as "love." Liv's fingers migrated from her chin as her body shivered again, this time less vigorously, and the brunette's knuckles arrived at her blushed cheek, brushing lightly over simultaneously burning and icy skin.</p>
<p>She hadn't been touched like this in…ever, really. Not in a "I just want to comfort you, and I'm expecting nothing in return" kind of way. It was, quite frankly, intoxicating, and the ADA feared what would happen if she allowed herself to entirely give in to the addicting sensation that was the other woman's fingers moving on her skin. Why did it feel so good? "Yeah, just a little cold." This wasn't a lie. She had shivered due to being cold. Though she was wearing dry clothes now, droplets of water clung to her body and hair, creating something of an igloo surrounding her, and her anxiety wasn't helping.</p>
<p>"Let me grab you a blanket." The brunette patted the younger woman's leg, standing up from the couch and making her way to a small closet, where she retrieved a large blanket, and then she returned to where Alex was sitting, gently tossing it to her.</p>
<p>"Thanks," the attorney murmured, covering herself and realizing how much extra fabric there was. This blanket was big enough for more than one person to lie comfortably beneath it, and though it was warm, it would be warmer if Olivia joined her. Snuggling up under a blanket wasn't sexual, so even if she allowed the detective to hold her, she wouldn't be breaking any of her rules. "Do you think we can cuddle?"</p>
<p>The brunette wasn't expecting such an explicit request, but she skillfully played it off with a joke. "You must be really cold," Olivia observed with a laugh, sitting down next to the other woman.</p>
<p>Alex mistook Liv's tone of surprise for one of judgement or ridicule. "I just want to be close to you. I know it's weird."</p>
<p>The older woman's amused expression fell as she crawled under the blanket. "It's not weird." It wasn't weird to Olivia, of course, because she'd learned how to be a human being. She had been taught as a child to at least desire closeness, even if to not always pursue it. "I want to be close to you too," she said in an attempt to comfort the woman who was trying painstakingly to be vulnerable with her. She opened her arms for Alex, but the blonde just looked at them.</p>
<p>The attorney hesitated, her gaze lingering on Benson's outstretched arms. It wouldn't technically be breaking the rules to let Olivia hold her, but she didn't even want to near the line if she could help it. "If we do this," Alex stressed, "I'm the big spoon."</p>
<p>Olivia reminded herself that the blonde didn't like to be questioned, and regardless, she deserved whatever she wanted, so she turned to lie on her other side, sighing in contentment as their bodies connected more closely together than they had until that moment. "Yes, ma'am."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment. Would really love to hear your thoughts! -Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 8 of Stay. As always, I appreciate your feedback, ideas, etc.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 8</p><p>"I can't get a search warrant based solely on a shaky he said/she said. No judge in their right mind would sign it." Alex turned the corner into the bullpen, Olivia on her heels as they entered the open space and discussed the state of their current case.</p><p>Benson caught up with her, gently grabbing her elbow in order to stop her long, confident strides for a moment. "Alex, you saw this girl's disclosure. She's credible."</p><p>As the weeks went by, the two women settled into a new routine. At work, they were strictly professional, and though the prosecutor was always suspicious that someone knew about them, Liv was fairly sure they were doing a good job of keeping their relationship on the down low. After work, they would meet up at one of their places, and like before Alex had kissed her, Olivia would offer her tea and happily lead a conversation about anything that came to mind. The ADA was a gifted conversationalist, something she attributed to being passed around at family parties as a young woman. The blonde was comfortable discussing anything from musical theatre to ancient history, as long as she wasn't broached as a topic. Though she wasn't thrilled about it, Olivia accepted that Alex wasn't ready to talk about what had happened in her penthouse that night, and Alex accepted that until she was, Olivia would worry. She did her best to quell her fears, but it wasn't as if they were unfounded. What she was willing to tell the brunette was that it hadn't been her fault. How could Liv be expected to respect her triggers if she didn't even know them?</p><p>They were doing okay, but both women knew they could—and should—be doing better.</p><p>"I'm not saying she isn't credible, Liv," Alex explained, walking towards Olivia's desk, "but the evidence we need to get the warrant is the evidence you want to search for in the suspect's house. You see my problem."</p><p>Benson wasn't dense. She knew this was a longshot, but she also knew Alex, and ADA Cabot was brilliant at getting judges to sign warrants. Understandably though, ever since the Cavanaugh incident, she'd been treading carefully around members of the judiciary. "Well, there's got to be something else."</p><p>Frustrated. That's how Alex was feeling. She knew this wasn't her girlfriend's fault, but why did this always fall on her? She shook her head at herself. Self-pity would get her nowhere. "I don't know what to tell you, Olivia. Sometimes I just need more."</p><p>"But this guy—Holmes—he's clearly guilty. He took her underwear, Alex. Come on."</p><p>She crossed her arms over her chest, leaning against Olivia's desk. Their conversation had garnered Stabler's attention, and he cautiously approached the duo. If anyone found out about them, it was going to be him. Alex just knew it. "You're acting as if I want to let him go. Contrary to what you may believe, I'm actually not in the business of letting rapists walk. If you don't bring me enough evidence, that's not on me."</p><p>Elliot interjected into their conversation, huffing. "Not this again." Olivia shot him a look, and he just rolled his eyes. El was her partner, but she'd always stand with Alex. She understood the pain of wanting to nail a perp better than anyone else on the squad, especially because at the end of the day, whether or not they had enough evidence, the responsibility to try winning cases fell in her lap.</p><p>Cabot ignored Stabler's snide remark, her anger dissipating and leaving behind a sense of powerlessness. She took a step forward, opting to stand up tall rather than lean informally against her secret girlfriend's desk. It was quite appropriate, actually, because she didn't need to lean on Liv. She didn't need her for protection. She wanted to appear self-assured, though she felt anything but. "I don't have superpowers, Olivia. I can't just snap my fingers and make something happen just because you want it to." She was referring to evidence to support the case they were working, but there was also a double meaning to her words. Liv wanted her to talk, to open up, but the ADA didn't feel capable of it, despite the other woman's support. She couldn't snap her fingers and be comfortable with vulnerability. She'd spent thirty years training herself to be the opposite.</p><p>Olivia sensed the double meaning, but a different interpretation resonated for her. She wanted to tell the squad about their burgeoning relationship, and the other woman had instantly shot it down as non-negotiable. The blonde hated the idea of people she worked with being involved in her personal life, and Liv knew it, as it was one of the few intimate things she'd shared with her. Olivia was a broken rule, though that went without saying, and she was already struggling with the sense of being out of control. Sometimes anger was the only emotion she felt safe revealing to others. "Alex, I know you're a bit on edge—"</p><p>Alex shook her head. Liv already knew her and her tells far too well. "I am not on edge. I'm frustrated because once again, a rapist might walk because I'm not a magician." She'd made her point, and now she needed to be alone before she made a huge mistake in front of the law enforcement officers who were still rebuilding their professional trust in her. She turned on her heels and exited the squad room, leaving Olivia to turn her attention to Elliot, who was looking at her with bemusement.</p><p>"What, is that her thing now?" the man asked.</p><p>Olivia shook her head. "The Cavanaugh case really put a damper in her confidence, El," Olivia explained. "She wants to make sure everything is above board. I don't blame her."</p><p>She hoped the explanation would suffice as far as getting Stabler off her tail. She was positive that Elliot was the last person Alex wanted to know about their relationship. He was weirdly protective of the younger detective, and Cabot didn't want this red-blooded man breathing down her neck. They were her words, and Olivia had taken them at face value. That was the promise she had made to Alex. "I need you to stop stewing in your theories about me," the prosecutor had said. "It'll drive you crazy, and you don't deserve that." The sound of someone clearing their throat interrupted her thoughts.</p><p>She looked up to see her boss casually leaning against his door as if he had been there a while. "Benson, can I see you in my office?"</p><p>Maybe he had been there a while. Olivia had been completely focused on Alex during their conversation, so it was more than possible that they were being watched and she hadn't noticed. "What's going on, Cap?" she attempted to ask nonchalantly after she'd closed the door behind her.</p><p>His facial expression didn't change. "How long has this been going on?"</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>"How long has what been going on?"</p><p>Cragen gestured aimlessly with his hands. "This thing with you and Cabot."</p><p>Olivia took a deep breath. The least she could do was try—for Alex. "I don't know what you're talking about."</p><p>"Don't play dumb, Liv." He sighed after a moment, his voice softening. "Neither of you are in trouble."</p><p>Benson relented. This hadn't been her fight anyway. "A little over a month." The team knew that she dated women, and it hadn't ever been an issue, but she knew that this could be an ethical quagmire.</p><p>The captain thought about it for a few seconds, nodding his head. "Because you two don't work out of the same building, it shouldn't be a problem."</p><p>The brunette bobbed her head up and down, hoping that the man's words were a dismissal, but she paused with her hand on the doorknob as he spoke again. "But Liv—don't make it a problem."</p><p>"Yeah, Cap."</p><p>Olivia worried that after their little argument, Alex wouldn't show for their usual evening together. The cop loved watching Cabot at work, loved the way she chewed on her lower lip as she read over a motion, loved the way she bit the tip of her pen as she pondered how to begin a closing argument, loved the way she put everything she had into her cases, into fighting for justice. But that, contrary to what the woman wanted everyone else to believe about her, was only a portion of who she was. Outside of work, the blonde could recite Atticus Finch's speech in To Kill a Mockingbird in its entirety, could speak on Greek mythology for hours, and appreciated good food more than anyone Liv had ever met. She was a whole human being, and each day brought with it new information about her that the detective anxiously awaited learning. She would hate it if a heated discussion over a warrant deprived her of tonight's knowledge.</p><p>Three knocks against her door in quick succession told her the conflict had not deterred the attorney from coming over this evening, which was fortunate because Olivia already had tea brewing.</p><p>"Hey," the blonde whispered, her voice shy and unsure as the door opened.</p><p>"Hey, yourself," was Olivia's response, a grin forming on her face. "I'm so glad you came," she said in earnest, her smile fading. "I'm sorry about earlier. I know you're doing your best."</p><p>Alex had come prepared with apologies herself, but first she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's neck, sighing at the contact that she'd been craving all day. Olivia's touch was the only thing that could clear her head when her drill sergeant was attempting to control her life. "I know that you can't get me evidence that isn't there."</p><p>Liv hummed, pressing a quick kiss into her shoulder before ushering the woman in and closing the door. "I don't think you're in the business of letting rapists walk."</p><p>The phrase, instead of soothing, resulted in a sensation akin to someone plunging a knife into her stomach and twisting it. Not in the business of letting rapists walk? Well, not anymore, at least.</p><p>Eventually, she nodded. Now was not the time. "I know. I'm sorry too. But," she added, "do you think we can save work stuff for tomorrow? We'll figure out how to get a warrant, but I would like to put my attorney hat aside for the time being."</p><p>That was Olivia's favorite part about being with Alex like this. The attorney hat was sexy as hell, but nothing compared to Alex struggling to read self-help books because she's chewing on the temple tips<br/>
of her glasses instead of wearing them.</p><p>"I would absolutely love that, but in the interest of full disclosure, I have to tell you," she prefaced, "Cragen knows about us."</p><p>Alex blinked. "Oh."</p><p>"I didn't tell him," Olivia promised, still feeling guilty about the whole thing. "I just didn't deny it. I'm sorry. I know you're not comfortable with people knowing."</p><p>"No, it's fine, Liv," was the ADA's unexpected response. "I don't expect you to lie to people." And it was true. Forcing Olivia back into the closet for her was an inconsiderate move. If she were going to be in a more traditional type of relationship, (rather than flings and ill-advised one-night stands) she'd need to be at least somewhat open about it. Same-sex marriage wasn't legal anywhere in the states yet, but New York wasn't particularly conservative, and the news would be unlikely to make waves at her job. As far as she knew, cops and prosecutors dated all the time. They fought like cats and dogs, but Cabot figured it only added to the sexual tension.</p><p>Alex had brushed her hair out upon arriving home, and in the humid air, it had become frizzy. The slightly unkempt appearance it caused was breathtaking for Olivia. It was Alex, unraveled. She reached out to pull some of the flaxen hair behind her shoulder in a tender gesture, sighing. "I just want you to feel safe, Al."</p><p>The blonde hummed at the words and the contact. It was odd to her that she was enjoying the closeness between them so much. If anyone but Olivia had touched her like that, it would have instantly sent her into fight-or-flight. But the combination of careful fingers, gentle words, and deep, soulful eyes said everything that no one but Olivia could. "You were right earlier. I am on edge. I'm sorry. I just feel like ever since I returned to the unit, I've been fucking things up."</p><p>Alex cursed? Fact of the day, Olivia thought to herself, the amusing thought distracting her momentarily from her girlfriend's self-deprecating remark. "You're not fucking things up."</p><p>"And I know you're waiting for me to open up, but I just don't feel ready, and I know that's incredibly unfair to you. I'm just a mess. I can't imagine what you were thinking about me today in the precinct. I need to get myself together."</p><p>"You know, Al," Olivia started slowly, leading her to the couch. Alex's penthouse was bigger, but she preferred to spend time at the detective's apartment. "You getting yourself together is exactly what I don't want. My favorite moments with you are the ones you'd probably think are 'messy'. I'm not looking for perfect, polished ADA Alex Cabot. That's not the part of you I fe—" She sighed, stopping herself from continuing with "fell in love with." It was unequivocally the truth, but Alex was already barely hanging on, and she didn't want to overwhelm her with talk of love or commitment. "That's not my favorite part of you. My favorite part of you is when we watch TV and the corner of your lip quirks upwards into a smile, but you still try to hide it. My favorite part of you is when you laugh at my bad jokes. When you're so passionate about a case that your nostrils flare during an opening statement. Your human moments, the ones you try so hard to conceal, those are my favorite moments. You don't have to put on a show with me. I know that's what you've been taught to do, and I'd guess it's become a protective mechanism, but I'm not out to get you. I'm not the enemy. And I know it's going to take more than one impromptu speech on my part to get you to believe that, but when you snapped today at the precinct, that was human Alex coming out, and what I was thinking and feeling towards you—is awe. You are fighting so hard to break through that wall you've built around yourself, even if it's subconscious, and I am so proud of you. No one is judging you for being human. It wasn't your perfect posture or your well-thought-out summations that drew me to you, Al."</p><p>She looked deeply into the other woman's eyes, surprised. Was this a lie? Those eyes only told the truth, Alex reminded herself, but she still asked, her breath shaky, "It wasn't?"</p><p>"Absolutely not. It was your fire. It was…these rare moments of vulnerability where I get to see the real you. I didn't notice it consciously until the first time you came knocking on my door soaking wet." Alex laughed at the memory. Maybe she needed to walk in the rain more often. "And that. That laugh. The embarrassed little smile that follows it." Olivia sobered after a few seconds, claiming both of the other woman's hands in hers. "You don't need to be ashamed for existing, Al. You're pretty damn amazing without the mask."</p><p>She nodded. Logically, it made sense, but as she fought to reply to her girlfriend's characteristically kind words, she felt her drill sergeant rear it's ugly head. "I'm just so scared…all the time."</p><p>"I know," Olivia acknowledged, squeezing the attorney's hands. That much was obvious to anyone who cared to look past Alex's tough exterior. Glass was solid and looked unbreakable, but really it was incredibly fragile and shattered with the lightest of hits. "But how I feel about you is so completely unconditional. I don't want to date ADA Alexandra Cabot of the New York high society Cabots. I want to date Alex, my Alex, with all the quirks and imperfections I've grown to love so much. I want to date you, and as you get more comfortable with me, I want to know. I want to know what made you put up that ugly, terrible, atrocious wall in the first place, and then—piece by piece—I want to knock it down together."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thanks for reading! Would love to hear your thoughts!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 9 of Stay. As of the next chapter, I will be changing the rating of this story to M for explicit sexual content as well as more explicit discussion of sexual assault. So please widen your search parameters when you search for Stay. As always, I appreciate your feedback, ideas, etc.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 9</p><p>"It's open!" Olivia called when she heard the knock at her door.</p><p>The ADA entered, carrying a bag of takeout. "What are you watching?" she asked after locking the three bolts on the apartment door, becoming aware of a rather dramatic depiction of a direct examination.</p><p>"Stupid cop show," Olivia replied, shrugging. "I like pointing out the errors in my head."</p><p>"You're my kind of woman," she said, placing the bags down on the table and intently tuning in to the TV show. "However, I like doing it out loud. It's like practice." She stood in front of Olivia and pursed her lips, as if she were watching her opponent—in this case a terrible defense attorney—examine his witness. "Objection—leading the witness." Five seconds later. "Objection—calls for speculation." Olivia watched Alex continue to stare at the action unfolding on the television, an amused expression on her face. "Objection—argumentative. Is he talking directly to the jury?" She shook her head, turning to her girlfriend. "I'd have standing to object to that line of questioning for three different reasons. Have you seen this before? Please tell me it ends in a mistrial."</p><p>God, she was hot. Better keep it PG for Alex's sake though. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. You come into my apartment, you stand in front of my TV, and you ruin my show by being so damn smart. You have some nerve, Alex Cabot." She kept a smile on her lips through the entire statement, ensuring that Alex knew it was a joke. Liv actually loved when she did this, especially without prompting. And as her disgust with the—incredibly inaccurate—courtroom scene had been made obvious the moment Alex had become aware of it, Benson registered the whole thing as human Alex coming through immediately upon arrival. She didn't need to warm up and get used to the informal atmosphere anymore. The moment she was in Olivia's presence, she relaxed, at least to a certain extent.</p><p>"Aww, I'm sorry, sweetie, let me make it up to you," she said, sitting down on the couch next to Olivia, who quickly shut off the TV. She resisted the urge to laugh at the detective's faux petulant attitude, knowing she was going to like her way of saying sorry.</p><p>"How?" she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest, relieved that Alex had understood her joke. At first, she hadn't wanted to tease the other woman in this way, fearful that anything she said or did could set her off. And she knew, since though they'd been together for almost two months and Alex had said next to nothing about her past, that there was still a fairly decent chance of that happening. Cabot had made it clear, however, that she wanted to be treated like a normal person. She hadn't shared the details, but she did tell her that all her life she was seen as an oversensitive little girl (as if a small child could be oversensitive) or a disgrace, an embarrassment. She loathed both labels, and she absolutely loved that Liv saw her as just Alex, or even better, "My Al," as she would call her from time to time. So, it got easier eventually to be playful, as Alex was unexpectedly good at explaining what she wanted and was okay with in detail. And she wanted to be in a "normal" relationship like a "normal" person. Liv had agreed, reminding her that she would do whatever it took to make her comfortable for now, but that as time went by, it was going to be necessary for her to open up some, for her own sake as well as for their relationship.</p><p>"Oh, I don't know," the prosecutor pondered, pretending to think for long enough to frustrate Olivia, before cupping one of the detective's cheeks and pulling her closer. "Maybe like this?"</p><p>She pecked her lips three times in a row, but Olivia again crossed her arms over her chest. "Still mad?" Alex asked with a beautiful, airy laugh, earning a solemn nod. "Okay, how about this?" She pressed her mouth against Olivia's somewhat more passionately, humming at the contact and wrapping her arm around the nape of her neck, fingering the stray wisps of hair on her skin. Olivia tasted like fine wine, classy and warm, with a touch of sweetness. The sensation of the woman's lips against hers sometimes lingered for hours. She'd wake up in the middle of the night and caress her own lips with the tips of her fingers, remembering the passion, remembering the care. Things were heading in the right direction, but Alex feared what would happen when they inevitably reached the point where kissing was no longer enough.</p><p>When she pulled back, the detective wore a shit-eating grin. "Warmer…."</p><p>"You're incorrigible," she observed, shaking her head fondly, knowing Liv was playing a game with her, but it was a game she was happy to play. It was a much-needed respite from the darkness of her day to day life, and through their conversations, Cabot found out that her girlfriend felt similarly. "Alright, come here." This time she climbed fully onto her lap and crashed her lips into Olivia's, waiting for an invitation to let her tongue dance against the older woman's and holding possessively onto her face. After a full minute, she pulled back, but leaned in quickly once more to peck her nose. As long as she was in charge, no rule had been broken. "If you're still upset, I don't know what else to offer you," she said, climbing off of her girlfriend and sitting beside her, leaning her head against her shoulder.</p><p>She felt soft lips brush against the top of her blonde head. She hadn't combed it out as well as she should have entirely for Olivia's benefit. She knew the brunette liked it messy, and since it was the weekend, she figured it would be okay. Liv chuckled. "I don't even know what show I was watching anymore."</p><p>"Good," she declared. "It was garbage. Eat some Pad Thai."</p><p>After they'd eaten, they resumed their previous position, Alex straddling Olivia's thighs and two sets of hands wound tightly into the other's hair. They kissed like their lives depended on it, and the ADA would be the first to claim that hers did. Olivia anchored her to the present, kept her drill sergeant at bay, and reminded her to be human. This—passion, connection, and dare she say love—was unquestionably human, and the rush of it all, even knowing she was risking her own safety, was exhilarating. Probably because she knew her physical safety wasn't really at risk. More so, her comfort. But as long as she remained dominant and kept Olivia's hands from straying too far from neutral zones, this could actually work out.</p><p>Alex felt the brunette's hands wander down her sides, and though the feel of it sent electric shocks through her body, she knew what came after sides, she knew where wandering hands ended up. Cabot admitted to herself that she'd let Liv become too comfortable, inviting her to say whatever she wanted, touch her however she wanted. She needed to start setting boundaries before the detective unknowingly did something she'd regret. Alex would be fine; she always was. But she knew that if Liv found out she'd touched her in a way that made her feel unsafe, she'd never forgive herself. She wanted to feel this close to her forever, but she needed to alter the path the other woman's hands were traveling—for her own well-being.</p><p>When Olivia's hands reached her hips, giving a comforting squeeze—there was always a reassuring touch, always evidence that made Alex think Liv knew more than she let on—the blonde caught her hands in her own, interlacing their fingers and bringing them up to float in the air between them.</p><p>Just kissing. Just safety. Just sweetness. Just warmth.</p><p>Olivia pulled away, realizing her hands had been thwarted in their attempt to hold the other woman close. "You okay?" When she hesitated to respond, the older woman reminded herself that she'd promised Alex she wouldn't theorize. "Just be in the moment with me," she'd added after she'd told her she didn't deserve to drive herself crazy.</p><p>Well, this moment seemed off. But Alex had had a smile on her face until she'd asked the question. Was she reopening wounds that had already healed? Should she have just shut up and continued to kiss her?</p><p>"Yeah, babe, I'm good." She thought for a moment. It was Sunday. She had an excuse. She wouldn't even need to lie. "It's just, I have the indictment for Tara Andersen's rapist in the morning, and it's getting late."</p><p>Just take it at face value, she reminded herself. She'd talk eventually. Her playfulness and ability to relax around her proved she was already making progress. Everything with time. Olivia tapped her hand lightly against the other woman's hip, gesturing for her to climb off of her. "Let me take you home," she said.</p><p>"No, honestly, I can walk. It's only ten, and you know I've done it before. I'm not going to let fear dictate my entire existence." She would have laughed if the lie hadn't been so exquisitely sad. Everything the blonde did was based on fear. But the threats that came along with walking home alone at night? Child's play.</p><p>"Can we compromise with you staying on the phone with me?"</p><p>"Of course. Don't want you to worry."</p><p>She never wanted Olivia to worry.</p><p>The older woman walked her out, and Alex entertained her on the way home with descriptions of the scenery around her. Trash next to a trash can. High-speed police chase. Bird poop on a stop sign.<br/>
"Riveting stuff," Olivia had said, being rewarded with one of those breathtaking Alex Cabot laughs that she was one hundred percent sure were reserved only for her.</p><p>And so it was for the next several weeks. Countless cups of tea, an assortment of—fancy—take out, lazy makeout sessions on Olivia's couch, and growing tension, most of which was of the sexual type.</p><p>One evening, Alex invited Liv over to her penthouse, even though the last time she was there was the night of the "Great Freak Out", what the blonde and her drill sergeant had decided to call it. She needed to be in her own domain for what she planned to do tonight.</p><p>After hours of a romantic dinner, lazy kisses, and sweet chit-chat, Olivia looked at her watch. "It's getting late," she commented. "You have that Wade hearing tomorrow, right?"</p><p>"Yeah, but I'm prepared for it," she assured the other woman, throwing an arm over her legs and preventing her from standing up. "The ID was good. Langan's just being a tool."</p><p>"Either way," Liv laughed, massaging Alex's scalp and smiling as she closed her eyes, "I should let you get some sleep."</p><p>"I'm not tired," she argued, returning to her go-to straddle position. Olivia was beginning to be confused by the blonde's actions. It wasn't like her to be so cavalier about important pre-trial hearings. At the look Liv gave the younger woman, she sighed, sitting flush against her girlfriend's thighs and cradling her face, letting both thumbs move against soft olive skin. "I'm not brushing off work, I promise. I just…" She struggled to find words. Alex had made sure she was more than ready for this Wade hearing in advance so that she could have this night with Olivia. Over the years, she'd learned to survive on little sleep and had actually won most of her cases working overnight. Liv didn't need to know that part yet though. "I just want to be with you."</p><p>It was more then tempting, and as the warm weight in her arms shifted intentionally in her lap, she relented. "I want to be with you too," Olivia agreed, her mind spinning with the possibilities. Was this even a good idea? Like the night she'd left her alone in this penthouse, was Alex capable of making a decision like this? She seemed perfectly lucid, but the last thing Liv wanted was a repeat of that evening, or worse.</p><p>"So, it's settled then," Alex decreed. "Stay the night."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading. One more reminder: As of the next chapter, I will be changing the rating of this story to M for explicit sexual content as well as more explicit discussion of sexual assault. So please widen your search parameters when you search for Stay. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think. I read all of them and reply as much as I can. Thanks!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here is Chapter 10 of Stay. This story is now rated M due to explicit sexual content and plot lines around the sexual abuse of a main character. Trigger warnings apply.</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>Chapter 10</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The darkening of her eyes, the sly grin as she innocently played with the collar of Liv's shirt. There was no questioning the meaning of the invitation. But Liv couldn't help herself. There was something fishy about Alex's whole demeanor and the fact that she still didn't know why she'd freaked out after they first kissed caused her to be cautious. "Are you sure?"</p>
<p>"Yeah," she laughed, her fingertips tickling the nape of her neck. "I offered."</p>
<p>"Right." Olivia nodded. Alex had brought it up. She seemed perfectly relaxed and explicitly enthusiastic. Being extra careful at this point would be creepy, she told herself. She was just a person having sex with her girlfriend. She'd done it before. Why should it different with Alex? Did she see her as extra fragile? Is that why she wanted to be absolutely sure? It was quite the opposite, actually, once she thought about it. Alex was not at all fragile. The unbreakable attorney was tough as nails, but what worried the brunette was she hadn't yet mastered vulnerability. She also hadn't yet mastered being an inconvenience. So if she changed her mind and wanted to stop, would she say anything? Liv had no idea what to expect.</p>
<p>"It's okay, Liv," Alex purred, sitting in Liv's lap and kissing the shell of her ear. "I want to do this." And she did. More than she ever had before. But she didn't know how to adequately express that to Olivia without putting herself at risk.</p>
<p>The brunette sighed, her hands rubbing lines into the other woman's back. It was more to comfort herself than it was to comfort Alex, but still, it almost functioned as a promise. My hands stay here until you tell me otherwise. "I'm sorry for being an unsexy dork,"—she regretted it the moment she said it—"but by this, you mean..."</p>
<p>Alex gave one of her laughs again, and she leaned her forehead in to rest against Liv's. "Baby, what do you need me to say for you to believe that I want to have sex with you?"</p>
<p>Olivia chuckled, pressing her lips quickly to the ADA's nose. "That."</p>
<p>She bit her lower lip. "Need me to say it again?"</p>
<p>"No, I think I'm good," the older woman breathed, becoming absorbed in the most beautiful blue eyes she'd ever seen. As Alex's arousal became evident in her features, her irises had darkened in the most breathtaking way. They were now the color of the sky, not on a sunny day, but on a rainy one. The attorney's eyes were stormy blue, dark and powerful, and they were absolutely irresistible. Liv's hands flexed on her hips. "Can I pick you up?" she asked quickly, swallowing hard.</p>
<p>Alex just nodded, a rush of adrenaline shooting through her. But it wasn't the adrenaline she was used to. This felt—dare she say—good. The anticipation was pleasant. Maybe she could do this. Maybe she wouldn't have to fall back on her usual plan, and maybe she wouldn't even need to come clean to Olivia.</p>
<p>Eventually in her bedroom, they stripped down to their undergarments, Alex quickly claiming her place on top of the brunette. Her bra and panties stayed on, at least for now. She had to follow some of her rules. She offered Olivia a sweet smile, moving her lips down her body until she'd reached her navel.</p>
<p>Liv gave her head a gentle tug. "Come up here," she demanded softly. "I want to look at you." The attorney's stormy blues were active, spinning and creating electricity, as her hand moved efficiently down the woman's ribcage, landing on the side of her panties. She was better at this anyway. It was less intimate, less vulnerable. Alex felt a longing ache to ignore her instinct to keep emotion out of it, but she needed to retain at least some level of control.</p>
<p>Olivia pulled her underwear off, finally feeling good about doing this. Alex had assumed the dominant role, and she was perfectly comfortable letting her fingers whisper across shimmering folds, both women gasping at the contact. The younger woman closed her eyes in order to savor the moment. She could have a few precious seconds of connection with the woman below her. That wouldn't ruin everything, she tried to convince herself.</p>
<p>The cop exhaled audibly as expert fingers met her clit. Knowing Olivia, Alex assumed that she'd like soft, delicate circles. She was such a hardass at work, and it made sense for her to desire tenderness and care. The younger of the two would have been perfectly happy to adapt to whatever Liv wanted—she was known for being great at following directions—but she didn't need to because she got it right on the first try. "You're good at that."</p>
<p>Alex almost replied with her usual, 'Well, you're not my first rodeo, sweet cheeks" out of instinct, but she stopped herself. Olivia was different. Olivia was special. This wasn't another conquest to numb the pain. Not another weak attempt to find the beauty in orgasm.</p>
<p>This was Olivia, she reminded herself once more, inhaling deeply as her fingers moved against sodden flesh. "Hmm," she said, though it felt unnatural. "Music to my ears."</p>
<p>Olivia must have felt completely safe with her, the prosecutor observed, as the way her body wholly relaxed and her eyelids fluttered shut as she submitted herself to Alex's whim was deeply trusting, and it took her breath away to watch. Would she ever be able to relax like that? To let another person care for her, mind, body, and soul? Would tonight be the night? Could she get away with it without her drill sergeant noticing?</p>
<p>Her whole life, she'd been told by experts that orgasm was the result of enormous pleasure, and by the way Liv frantically bucked into her hand, searching for more friction, it certainly made sense. But no matter how many times she'd brought another woman to climax—and she stopped counting when her body count hit one hundred fifty—she was never sufficiently convinced.</p>
<p>But Olivia—that was astonishing. Breathtaking. She'd be prepared to name "Olivia during orgasm" the eighth wonder of the world. Did this mean what she thought it meant?</p>
<p>It took about a minute for the other woman's body to go slack against the bed, her hand moving lazily up and down Alex's back. The blonde was happy to bask in the moment with the detective. Olivia deserved good things, and if she could be of help in any way, then she was pleased.</p>
<p>For the first time ever, she had actually planned on going through with this in its entirety. But as Olivia's hand began to graze the clasp of her bra, panic began in Alex's chest, and she knew it wouldn't be possible. "No, I…" Her heart ricocheted against her ribcage as she felt Liv stall her movements instantly. God, why was this so hard? She forced herself to sound calmer as she continued. "I…um…I'm good actually. Getting kind of tired now." Laugh, Cabot. Laugh. Make it convincing.</p>
<p>The brunette raised her eyebrows, moving her hand to rest in Alex's hair, beginning that comforting movement of careful nails against her scalp. "Are you sure?" Was the younger woman afraid that Olivia didn't want to continue? "I'm perfectly happy to—"</p>
<p>"I know, I know." Laugh again. "It's not that, I just…"</p>
<p>As Alex paused, Olivia began to grow concerned. There was something off about her laugh. She knew the prosecutor's relaxed, "I find this exquisitely hilarious" laugh, and this wasn't it. Her last few laughs resembled her old laughs. How she'd chuckle at a defense attorney's bad joke in order to secure the plea deal she wanted. How she'd smile at work functions in order to create a good impression. How she'd laugh when she was nervous and wanted to ensure no conflict was born of the interaction.</p>
<p>Though Olivia could tell something was going on with Alex, the blonde could read Liv's concerned expression from a mile away. It was painfully obvious, and Alex had never hated herself more. She'd created this reality for herself. She was better off refusing sex entirely. She'd been here before, in the awkward position of having to say something—anything—to avoid "receiving". She wracked her brain for several extended moments, and then all of a sudden, she blurted, "I love you." She'd meant it too, which made it even worse than it already would have been. The weakness of it was bad enough, but the intention was disgusting. Olivia deserved so much better than someone who would proclaim their love as a distraction. She hadn't used the tender phrase to add to the intimacy of the moment, but rather to put a stop to it entirely.</p>
<p>Her drill sergeant was furious. She had broken so many rules, crossed so many boundaries, in only one night. "Listen here, Cabot," it barked. "You fuck the girl, you tell her you'll call, and then you leave. Period. But you've fallen in love with Olivia. Why? Because you think for some reason you're entitled to companionship, to a life. I've kept you alive all these years, but this hope you've started to have, it's gonna get you killed, soldier. Or worse. You know the rules. You don't get to live. You get to survive. You get to exist. That's it." Burning shame enveloped her body, and she tensed her muscles harshly to avoid tears. She didn't even wait for Liv to return the sentiment before she rolled off of her, curling into a defeated ball of despair. God, she ruined everything. No. She did that without God. She did it all by herself.</p>
<p>The brunette was instantly confused. She could tell Alex was being genuine when she'd told her she loved her, but it came out of nowhere and she was vacillating back and forth between human Alex and wall Alex. Was this raw, messy, human Alex coming through? Or was something beyond the detective's understanding at play?</p>
<p>"Al," a gentle voice beckoned, the feeling of loving fingers dancing across her shoulder and burning her skin as a fresh wave of shame crashed over her. "I love you too." Alex figured Olivia would assume her strange behavior was due to embarrassment at her unplanned declaration of love, and she was content to keep it that way. At least she knew Liv wasn't trying to get in her pants anymore. She hummed in acknowledgement, begging for the conversation to be over.</p>
<p>Unbeknownst to Alex, her usual tactics weren't landing as usual on Olivia, and the cop was genuinely concerned about the sudden turnaround and flat affect. She had been so real with her that night, so human. Their sex had been incredible, or at least Liv had thought so. Had Alex become unwilling at some point and just kept quiet? She'd been in control, so why hadn't she stopped? "Did something happen, sweetheart? I just want to help."</p>
<p>It was in that moment that Alex first knew for sure that the brunette wouldn't buy her usual "touch-me-not" routine. But she didn't have any other stock responses to women wanting to give her pleasure. And Olivia...loved her. That's what she'd said. So she had only wanted to take care of her, and she refused, ruining the evening she herself had planned. And she couldn't even leave because it was her own damn penthouse. But she knew if she kicked Liv out again, she'd think it was her fault. And it was so far from her fault. "I...I'm sorry."</p>
<p>Olivia felt her heart constrict in her chest. She'd been trying for weeks to ignore the instinct that something was going on, to act normal and treat Alex normally because that's what she'd asked for. That's what she wanted. But there was no denying it now. She was apologizing for not wanting to have sex? She was apologizing to Olivia because she didn't want to be touched? The SVU detective felt bile rise in her throat, a ball of nausea rolling its way up her esophagus. Her heart throbbed and her lungs strained to get enough air.</p>
<p>Alex.</p>
<p>"Oh, my sweet Al, you don't have anything to be sorry for, but can we talk?"</p>
<p>"I'm tired," she murmured to the older woman, putting the nail in the coffin of their evening. "Want to sleep. Have an early morning."</p>
<p>She knew her girlfriend wouldn't push it. Olivia decided she'd have to catch her before work, remind her that she was a safe person to talk to, that opening up would aid in the healing process. But then she realized if she did that, that would essentially be telling Alex she knew what was going on, and in all honesty, she didn't. Not for sure anyway. She pulled the other woman close to her because her arm was already wrapped around her body and at some point, Alex had interlocked their fingers. A part of her was pulling away, but human Alex was still in there. She was still fighting. And Liv wasn't going to give up on her. "Alright, love. Get some rest."</p>
<p>Alex's drill sergeant reminded her once more exactly what she was deserving of—absolutely nothing. As she gripped tightly onto her only anchor to reality, she also squeezed her legs together in an attempt to sooth the ever-unrectified throb between her legs. She knew she'd been caught. And out of the range of Liv's compassionate gaze, a few silent tears made their way down her cheeks.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Alright, folks. What do you think? What do you think is going to happen next?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.</p><p>Hi friends! Some concerns have been brought to my attention regarding the previous chapter, and I wanted to address them.</p><p>I know a lot of people look up to my writing as an example of healthy communication and sexuality, but obviously Alex and Olivia are not there yet. I don't want it to get grouped in with any of my other intimate chapters because I know it's not the same. It was supposed to be jarring. Alex knows the logistics of sex. The rest of it is unknown territory. She knows it's supposed to be different and that with Olivia, it feels different, but she doesn't know how to reconcile that with her protective mechanisms.</p><p>As for Olivia, she convinced herself everything was fine and she was just being paranoid about something going on with Alex. That is, until she said no and then apologized. The events of Chapter 10 will be discussed extensively in the next few chapters, but if you are still feeling like it wasn't sufficiently addressed, I always want to know. My apologies for just leaving that chapter here without prefacing it with the clear fact that the sexual encounter depicted WAS NOT healthy. It certainly was not meant to be framed as a romantic first time. My hope is that this was clear.</p><p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p><p>Chapter 11</p><p> </p><p>Olivia had reached her breaking point. A night of tossing and turning had left her eyes bloodshot and her heart in her throat. What had happened the night before? And had she done something she'd never be able to take back? Images flashed through her mind of Alex, some with a beautiful grin on her face as she laughed and connected with the brunette, but others—of a more concerning nature—featured Alex moving robotically, almost as if her body were following a script, and Liv couldn't recall a smile during those moments. As soon as she realized what was happening, the cop had put a stop to everything, but because she was trying so hard to convince herself that she was being weird and crazy, she hadn't realized until Alex had said "no". Until she said the word. How long had she wanted to say the word?</p><p>What had Olivia done?</p><p>She shook the thought from her head as she quickly rose, tossing the covers off of herself roughly as she realized Alex was no longer next to her.</p><p>Was she afraid?</p><p>If what happened the night before wasn't, if it wasn't…what Alex wanted, Liv thought to herself as she brushed her hair in her girlfriend's bathroom, preparing to face the woman she knew she loved, then the blonde was one extraordinary liar. Because during the time they were together, she was acting mostly normal. Maybe not normal for other people, but normal for Alex. Olivia had figured her "lovemaking style" would be sort of weird—Alex was sort of weird. But the more she thought back on it, the more Benson realized that she hadn't been being paranoid. Just because it was normal for Alex didn't mean it was healthy.</p><p>She found Alex in the kitchen, dumping the remnants of her coffee down the sink. "Hey," the older woman greeted slowly, cautiously, and the attorney turned to her with a genuine smile.</p><p>"Good morning." Alex had woken up earlier than was necessary because she wanted to beat Olivia down the stairs. She was feeling much more clear-headed this morning. She hated that she'd said she loved Liv for the first time without first thinking about it, but it had turned out okay. The brunette hadn't left, so that was a good start.</p><p>Benson sighed, reaching out to delicately tap Alex's arm in order to turn her attention away from placing her coffee mug in the dishwasher. "Do you want to talk about last night?"</p><p>The ADA watched as the detective leaned against the sink, and she could tell she wasn't off the hook. "What about it?"</p><p>Liv saw that Cabot was acting purposefully clueless, and she wasn't sure what her endgame was. "You and me...?"</p><p>Realization settled over Alex's features. It hadn't occurred to her that beyond being slightly confused and maybe a little worried, Liv would be actively scared about what had happened between them. She had told her no, and that could have been jarring for the older woman. She took a deep breath, leaning against the now closed dishwasher opposite where Olivia was standing. "Are you asking if I'm okay with what we did?" This wasn't the first time a girlfriend had attempted to initiate a morning after conversation about this, but of course the brunette would be especially relentless. Fortunately, the attorney had become an expert at skillfully deflecting, so she waited for a nod before continuing. "Of course I am. Last night was amazing."</p><p>It wasn't a lie. Alex knew that people didn't usually have sex the way she did, that to Olivia, what they had done may have seemed abnormal in some way, but it was easily the best sex the prosecutor had ever had. She accomplished some level of connection, something that really had never happened for her before. She could see herself really learning from Olivia.</p><p>Though it should have been comforting, Liv wasn't satisfied. There was more she wanted to discuss. "Well, that's not actually—"</p><p>"I have to go," Alex interrupted, lying easily. She still had some time if she'd actually wanted to have this conversation. But she desperately didn't. The more Liv found out, the more questions she'd have, and the more questions she asked, the more Alex would have to answer. It was a vicious cycle, and Cabot just wanted some escape from it. She needed to pretend things were okay for a little while longer. "I have that Wade hearing, remember? Dinner at your apartment later?" Maybe she just needed to get out of the penthouse.</p><p>"Sure." She was dumbfounded. The woman didn't like awkward conversations, but Alex usually respected the importance of having them. But Cabot just pecked her cheek and then tried to leave in a hurry, wordlessly opening the door.</p><p>"Al!" she heard called in her direction, the woman's footsteps approaching her. Dammit. She almost made it.</p><p>She turned around. "Yeah, Liv?"</p><p>"I love you." It flowed out of her so naturally, Alex couldn't help but pause in the doorway. Olivia wasn't someone that needed to be escaped, she knew that. But now was not the time, and maybe she could stall her for a little while longer, that way she would want her for a little while longer.</p><p>"I love you too." A smile played on her lips, but it did nothing to conceal the sadness behind her eyes.</p><p>Olivia's workday was unproductive. Filled with mostly boring paperwork, she found her mind wandering to Alex. She was quite an enigma, and not because her past was unpredictable, but because her actions in response to them were. If she'd survived abuse, why was she attempting to initiate sex at all? Obviously, she had to know there was no pressure from the cop, so why had the blonde been so eager? She knew one of the reasons was that she had actually wanted to have sex, if that's what you could call her barely-there-foreplay, quick-and-to-the-point technique. But Alex was also haunted by the desire to appear normal, to not be a burden. And Liv suspected it was the perfect storm of all of that madness that led Alex to her actions the previous night. She was reminded of those eyes, dark and cloudy. Alex had been in some moments wild with lust and in others, subdued and mechanical.</p><p>Should Olivia have been able to predict that? Was she being paranoid, or did she have some guilt to bear? She loved Alex beyond belief, and she didn't want to make her more uncomfortable than she already was, but she wasn't treating herself fairly by continuing to stew in the theories the blonde had asked her to stay away from. She knew herself well enough to be aware that at this point, she needed answers.</p><p>That evening, she heard her apartment door open, and after it closed, she heard Alex's voice, nonchalant and casual, recounting her day as she made her way into the kitchen. "Liv! That Wade hearing was nuts. He claimed that due to Tara's high BAC the night before, she was too intoxicated to make an ID the next morning. Which one, is not true, and two, means she couldn't consent the previous evening. Langan really didn't think that one through, but I thought he was going to convince the judge for a second there. Gonna need you to testify, by the way..." She stopped when she found Olivia waiting for her. "Is everything okay?"</p><p>Liv solemnly gestured for the woman to sit in the chair next to her. "It will be. But first...I'm sorry, Al, but we...we need to talk."</p><p>"Okay," she replied, searching her mind for what Olivia would want to hear. When the other woman gestured for her to sit again, she shook her head, her hands gripping the back of the chair to steady herself. "What do you need me to say?"</p><p>"Nothing in particular," Liv said, noting that the ADA was assuming a defensive posture. "But I know you're struggling with something."</p><p>"I...I don't know what to say, Liv. I'm fine. Do you psychoanalyze the bedroom behavior of everyone you sleep with?" God, how cold was she being to the woman who only wanted to help. She was making herself nauseous. But she couldn't stop herself, adrenaline coursing through her body as soon as Olivia had announced they needed to talk.</p><p>Putting on her attorney hat was one of her many protective mechanisms, but it was disconcerting for Olivia to witness. Normally, she took it off when she entered the brunette's apartment. Watching her put it back on—like a shield—was painful to watch. But Liv was able to meet her exactly where she was. "Why did you choose to prosecute for SVU?"</p><p>"Liv." Alex was frustrated now. "Phillips wanted me as his mole, you know the deal."</p><p>"No, I mean afterwards. Why did you stay? And why did you just walk away this morning?"</p><p>Alex felt the urge to object to the compound questions, but she stopped herself, realizing what Olivia was attempting to accomplish. The attorney placed her hands on her hips, huffing. "What's with the third degree? Why are you still trying to get me to talk about last night? Olivia, I just don't like to be touched in that way." She lifted and then slumped her shoulders as if shrugging off the content of her sentences. "It's not a big deal. Okay? I just don't like it."</p><p>The last thing Benson wanted to do was back her girlfriend into a corner, but she knew the woman would never talk about this otherwise, and if they were going to be in a sexual relationship of any kind, she needed to know. It wasn't ideal, and Olivia knew she was being something of a hypocrite, but she was so wracked with guilt about the previous night that she couldn't stop herself. "You don't choose SVU without a reason, Alex."</p><p>"Olivia, please." Her eyes were growing desperate, widening as fear conquered her features and her heart pumped blood frantically through her veins. "Please," she whispered weakly. "Don't make me do this." Her worst nightmare would be to lose Olivia. She knew she'd broken the rules and it's probably what she deserved, but the thought of having no one to talk to about even the most mundane things, the thought of never again brushing her lips against olive skin, of never again tangling her fingers into soft hair, the thought of never again being the reason for her smile—it was excruciating. And though she'd originally considered "don't fall in love" to be the most important of the rules, she knew it was really "don't ever tell your secrets." Telling secrets was a surefire way to make people who claimed to love her pack up and leave. Her eyes were pleading.</p><p>Don't leave me.</p><p>"You are my one solace in this world, Olivia. I'm begging you. Please."</p><p>Benson inhaled deeply. She wanted to stop, to just pull Alex into her arms and tell her they could talk about this later. But she knew they wouldn't. If Olivia didn't force it, the ADA would never bring it up herself. She softened her voice, once again patting the seat of the chair Alex was white knuckling. "This wasn't supposed to be a cross-examination. I just want to talk. Please sit, love." Alex couldn't resist the gentle voice and loving eyes. Olivia wasn't out to get her. Like her, she was only scared. So she plopped herself into the kitchen chair, her shallow breaths weakly concealed by the clearing of her throat. "Sweetheart, this is important. Last night was significant and not in a good way. We have to address it if we're going to be okay."</p><p>Alex's eyes met the floor. "I really messed up, didn't I?"</p><p>"I know you're not used to people asking questions. But this relationship needs to be two-sided. I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about communication. And there's something I need to know. Baby, I don't need the details. Just one question, yes or no."</p><p>"No" had put the bullets in the gun aimed at Alex's one chance at happiness. What word would cock it and fire? Would it be "yes"? How ironic. "Yeah, okay, sure."</p><p>"Al, if I thought for even a minute that this was just your preference, I would let it go. I have no desire to do anything you don't want to do. But I can't shake the feeling that there's more to it. And if there is, I'm not going anywhere, sweetie, I promise. You don't owe me the details, but can I ask, just a yes or a no, is there more?"</p><p>The blonde saw not a morsel of judgement in Olivia's tearful eyes, and a sense of calm enveloped her like a hug. She felt her resolve weakening and her wall crumbling. Her drill sergeant was eerily quiet. Faced with her first potentially safe opportunity to destroy the dam she'd erected twenty years ago, Alex, her lip quivering, could no longer stand to remain quiet. "Yes."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading, and I always welcome your thoughts!</p><p>-Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.</p><p>It's time for another Gabby dissertation. I'd welcome you to skip over it, but really I want everyone who cares about the state of our world (and if you're reading this story, I hope you do) to read this.</p><p>Since I was a literal child, I have used writing to both understand the world and express my thoughts on it. I've used it as a coping mechanism and a means through which to inspire activism. So, I'd be remiss if I continued to write a story about cops without addressing the atrocity that is the continuous and systematically sanctioned murder of black individuals by police officers in the United States. What was done to George Floyd is a clear-cut case of murder in the first degree, and any indictment or conviction of a lesser charge is AN INSULT. Law and Order: SVU is a television show. It is fiction. And because it is a show that nine times out of ten depicts cops as heroes, it's unrealistic by nature. I know that Olivia Benson does not represent the majority of cops in this country. As a white person, I will never know the pain of fearing for my life each time I interact with a police officer, but I want to use my privilege for good. I pledge to be an ally in any way possible. I'm not looking for applause. This is a call to action. Just because our privilege gives us the option of remaining silent, it doesn't mean that's the choice we should make. "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." -MLK. Black. Lives. Matter. Period. And it's about time those of us with white privilege get off our asses and do something about it.</p><p>Huge trigger warning in this chapter and in the ones that follow for the detailed discussion of sexual abuse.</p><p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p><p>Chapter 12</p><p> </p><p>The word "yes" echoed around them, suspended precariously in midair as the two women waited for the other to do something, say something. Alex, though she knew logically it wasn't probable, still expected the cop to stand up and ask her to leave. Olivia, though she sensed the attorney staring anxiously down at the ground, didn't want to say anything and interrupt her thought process, especially if she planned to continue speaking.</p><p>Eventually Alex, fiddling her thumbs, took a deep breath, feeling courage flow through her. "I'll talk, but first. First do you think—"</p><p>Liv's eyes met hers. She wasn't surprised at this turn of events, but she didn't think any amount of experience or knowledge would have prepared her to stare into the pained orbs of the woman she loved in the midst of a heartbreaking disclosure. "What, baby?"</p><p>The blonde hesitated once more, considering the potential outcomes of the request she was about to make. Though she often resented her drill sergeant, recognized that he—somewhat purposefully—kept her from living a fulfilling life, in this moment, without him, she felt lost. No guidance. No rules. And though she felt it was safe to assume he would not approve of her next question, there was something about the deafening silence in her own ears that gave her the sense of excruciating vulnerability. She wasn't used to making her own choices. Had her drill sergeant abandoned her? And would he ever come back? "Can I have a hug?" It sounded foreign escaping her throat, an ask she had attempted not even once in her life. In fact, she didn't remember the last time anyone other than Olivia had hugged her.</p><p>If the older woman had been surprised by the request, Cabot saw no evidence of it, as she immediately stood up from the kitchen chair and beckoned Alex closer, extending both arms. "Of course, sweetheart. Come here." During their preceding conversation, Olivia had forced some authority into her voice, had fought to avoid crumbling in response to Alex's desperate plea for her to stop questioning her. She had hated every moment of it, but somehow, she could already sense relief in the ADA's body as she surrendered into the detective's embrace. Benson was eager to soften her voice. To completely turn of police officer mode and to just be Al and Liv for a few moments. "I got you." An uncharacteristic sob ripped its way through the younger woman's body, but almost immediately, she went silent, shame concealing the courage she'd been feeling earlier. Olivia pressed her lips to the crown of Alex's head. "It's okay to cry. Just breathe."</p><p>"I'm so sorry." It came out in a breathless wail as she desperately clung to Olivia's body. Would this be the last time she'd ever hug her? She didn't know the details yet. Once she learned the details, there was no way she'd be able to see her in the same light, as desirable or beautiful, or worthy of Olivia's once in a lifetime kind of love. "You deserve better. I should have told you before, but I didn't think you'd want me if you knew."</p><p>Benson couldn't keep the tears at bay any longer, this latest confession tearing mercilessly at her heart. "Oh, my love. I want you. I promise. I want you. I want you and I love you. I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to talk yet, just focus on breathing. I got you. You're safe. No one's going to hurt you." The chain of simplistic sentences that all sort of meant the same thing left Olivia's lips in an awkward manner, but she hoped that if she swore to Alex that she wasn't going to leave her enough, that maybe she'd start to believe it.</p><p>Alex's mind was reeling. It felt so good to be cared for in this way. To be comforted. Validated. She knew objectively that every survivor deserved the right to mourn what they'd lost—in Alex's case, her childhood, her teenage years, her sense of safety, her sense of worth, her sense of value. She'd never been given permission to grieve, to feel the pain she was entitled to, to go through the healing process, and so she'd been stuck at the beginning of the dark tunnel all this time. Olivia had been the catalyst for all this to come bubbling up to the surface, but she hadn't been the cause. The Cavanaugh case had reminded her that though she was ADA Cabot, she was Alex first. And now she was learning that didn't have to be shameful. But as Liv's careful hands wandered over tense muscles and her lips lingered against the rapid beating of her temporal pulse, her innate fear of being burdensome caused her to pull away. "I'm sorry."</p><p>"Shh. Don't apologize for being human, sweetheart. Remember, I love human Alex." The blonde nodded, giving in to the urge to step back into Olivia's arms for a little more time, the need to be surrounded by safety overwhelming her. She felt so profoundly naked that her drill sergeant made an attempt at returning, reminding her that like any other time she'd sought out support, she would regret it. That there was no way this would turn out well. Not even Olivia could love her enough to deal with her problems. As if she were intentionally shutting him up, the older woman continued speaking, cutting off the scolding voice and speaking over it. "I'm in love with you, just as you are, right now in this moment," she promised, her right hand moving over her back in slow, steady lines. "Try to relax your body. Just feel my arms around you and breathe. Slow, deep breaths. Focus on me. You're going to be okay."</p><p>She wanted to follow the woman's gentle instructions, but though her drill sergeant wasn't barking specific orders anymore, she felt a sense of danger at the thought of focusing on someone else's touch. She'd learned to focus her attention elsewhere, to pretend touch wasn't happening at all. So, to intentionally keep her mind on Olivia's touch would be a feat she didn't know if she could accomplish. "Liv..."</p><p>"It's okay if that's too hard for you. Focus on my voice then, okay?" The attorney hadn't told Olivia of her uncertainty about focusing on touch, but she could clearly hear it in her voice as she fearfully whispered her name. "Just let it out. We'll talk soon, but I think you need to take a little while to just be. I don't know how long you've been holding onto this, but it's time to let it out. Cry as long as you need to."</p><p>The brunette heard a weak murmur from the woman whose face was buried in her shoulder, but she couldn't make out the words. "What's that, baby?"</p><p>"Seventeen years."</p><p>In an instant, Olivia did the most heartbreaking math of her entire life, holding her even tighter after the prosecutor's hands put a death grip on her. Alex was twenty-eight-years old. Twenty-eight minus seventeen equaled eleven. She did the equation in her head more than once, trying to get a different answer. Eventually, Liv gave up, realizing her initial solution was achingly correct. "Oh, my love. You're safe now. I won't leave you. I love you so much."</p><p>"I love you," Alex whispered tearfully, aware her girlfriend's shirt had become soaked. "I love you so much. I meant it when I said it yesterday," she continued, her voice getting stronger as she stepped back in order to make eye contact with the brunette. "I..um…I was trying to get you to stop asking questions, so it was wrong of me, but I did mean it."</p><p>Olivia offered the still crying woman a sad smile, and she reached up to brush some damp hair off of her red face, before using her thumbs to sooth under her inflamed eyelids. "I know you meant it," she assured, cradling the nape of her neck and letting her thumb wander over a hot cheek. "And I understand why you said it."</p><p>"I didn't want to lie, you know?"</p><p>"Mhm." She took a deep breath. "Thank you for letting me comfort you. I know that you have a hard time with that."</p><p>Though she'd stepped back slightly, Alex's fingers were still tangled in the sleeves of her girlfriend's blouse. Her hands moved to the other woman's waist. "You make me feel deserving of love," she breathed. The incredible catharsis felt complete, but Cabot knew this conversation was only beginning. All she'd admitted was that she'd been assaulted, but there was so much more that Liv would want to know, and she felt like she owed her the truth.</p><p>"Do you want to sit down on the couch?" The attorney's breath accelerated again as she nodded, and Olivia picked up on it. "We can talk about something else if you want. I told you I didn't need the details."</p><p>Alex followed her girlfriend into the living room, sitting down on the couch about a foot away from her. "I kind of just want to get everything out. It may sound like word vomit, but if I don't do this now, I'm really not sure I'll be able to work up enough courage to do it again."</p><p>Liv nodded. She understood, but she knew how easily Alex became overwhelmed when talking about herself. "I want you to do what feels safest. I'm just here to support you. Say whatever is going to help you get some of this weight off of your shoulders."</p><p>Olivia was inviting her to not only disclose, but to describe in intimate detail, the worst moments of her life. It was an odd balance for Alex because the detective was neither encouraging nor discouraging her to speak. At this point, the decision lied entirely in the younger woman's hands. Liv welcomed further conversation about this, but she also made it clear that they could put it aside for now. What would make her feel safest? That's what Olivia wanted to know. "Do you think you can just let me ramble and hold off asking questions until the end?"</p><p>"Yeah, of course." Alex was wanting to rip off the band-aid and the brunette was going to allow it. In the long run, letting all the water rush out of the dam would be the best for her. Olivia was more than aware that there was likely a time limit on the other woman's openness. She'd clam up again eventually. It was the only way she knew how to live. But in whatever time they were afforded now, Liv wanted her to say whatever she needed to say. To make the most of the opportunity. "Where do you want to start?"</p><p>"Liv, you need to know that I have more than one story, and they're both…" She thought about how to word it. "…pretty awful. If you need me to stop—"</p><p>"Love, I know what I can take."</p><p>"But you try to take more," Alex shot back. "I may seem closed-off, but I'm actually incredibly observant. I've had to be. And you're right. You're definitely aware of your limits, but I know you don't always respect them. Also, I realize this is the pot calling the kettle black, but I just don't want to hurt you."</p><p>"Okay, but same goes for you. If either of us need a break, we have to speak up."</p><p>Alex nodded. "Here goes, I guess." Was she really going to do this? She felt her mouth grow dry and her tongue felt like lead, unable to form words.</p><p>Olivia stood up from the couch. She reminded herself of the human needs of survivors as they made disclosures, and though because since this was Alex, the situation was different in many ways, it also wasn't. Alex was a person, and she needed to be treated like she mattered. "I'm going to grab you some water."</p><p>Cabot's head bobbed gratefully, and when Olivia returned, she guzzled down almost the entire glass. "So…"</p><p>"Hey, look at me for a sec?" The blonde's eyes, which had been glued to her own—now wrinkled—skirt moved upwards to meet the older woman's, and she waited for her to continue speaking. "This is not a summation or a motion. You don't have to convince me of anything. I already believe you."</p><p>"That's a lie," her drill sergeant barked.</p><p>Olivia repeated herself. "Okay? I already believe you. Just take it one word at a time. We can stop at any point, just like we talked about."</p><p>"Yeah, okay." She swallowed hard.</p><p>"I'm here, and no matter what you say," she stressed, shifting on the couch to be slightly closer to Alex, "I am not going to leave you. Nothing that happened to you will ever change how much I love you."</p><p>"That's a lie."</p><p>"I know you don't believe that, but I promise you. I'm here. One word at a time."</p><p>"So, first…" Okay, two words. That was a good start. "There was a youth pastor at my church when I was eleven. He liked to have private sessions with the girls who wanted to be baptized. I wasn't his first, but he was mine. I told my mother. She said I was being dramatic. I told my father. He said I'd better keep it to myself or I'd destroy Pastor Paul's reputation."</p><p>A pastor. Someone who was supposed to be a mentor. This happened far too often.</p><p>But Alex.</p><p>Al.</p><p>Sweet, brilliant, amazing Al—at eleven-years-old.</p><p>Olivia was nauseous, but Alex wasn't finished.</p><p>She continued, determined to get it all out in one go, inhaling deeply and playing with the fabric of her skirt. "Then a counselor at a summer camp I went to as a teenager. I had a huge crush on her. I would have done anything...did do anything she wanted. I even told her about Pastor Paul, and she used it against me. Said she wasn't like him. That she was a woman and women don't rape. That I was wet, so of course I wanted it. That I was just nervous. I haven't let anyone touch me since. It was so degrading because I was gay, and I did like her. But I was unprepared for what she was doing, and I didn't want her to. It hurt, and sometimes I came, which just made her think I was a tease. I was fifteen, and my only knowledge of sex was Pastor Paul, porn I found on my father's VHS tapes, and like the two times I tried to masturbate in an attempt to fix myself. I still have sex, for the wrong reasons I suppose. I was actually very hypersexual for a while after Tammy. But no one gets to touch me. Never." She shook her head as she caught her breath, willing herself to forget a memory, trying with all her might to banish its existence. There is no try, only do. That was the camp's motto. Tammy had used those words like a lure, mockingly and cold.</p><p>Olivia watched as Alex's story reached an end. It was over, but of course there was no closure.</p><p>It was worse than she'd expected.</p><p>She hadn't known what she was expecting, but somehow, this was worse.</p><p>Maybe it was the unceremonious nature of Alex's words. It wasn't like her to just spill. But maybe that was for the best. Maybe it was progress.</p><p>And maybe Alex just didn't know how to speak about herself in a terribly linear manner.</p><p>Maybe she'd simply said it how she needed to say it, and Olivia's discomfort was at the content.</p><p>She didn't need to stew in theories anymore.</p><p>Alex was talking now.</p><p>And she needed to listen.</p><p>Benson took stock of what she knew. Pastor Paul and Tammy. Did these people have last names, addresses, socials, faces she could bash in with her bare hands? She took a deep breath. Alex was depending on her, on Olivia, not Detective Benson. "Thank you for telling me that. I am so sorry, Al. I wish I could take that away from you. I wish I could stop the pain." Her first instinct was to comfort the woman who she undoubtedly loved, but an uneasiness of a different kind threatened to overwhelm her, and she needed to address it. The sex the previous evening—had Alex really wanted it? "So, last night?"</p><p>Alex saw the terror in her girlfriend's face, and like the brunette earlier, she decided to repeat a few similar phrases, hoping at least one would get through. "I wanted that. Oh, Liv, I wanted to do that. I promise. I made that choice knowingly. I wouldn't let you...I wouldn't put you through that. Never in a million years, Liv. I love you too much. You mean too much to me. I would never lie about wanting sex. Never, ever. I really wanted that. I wanted more than that," she admitted, quickly deciding to move on. "I can't imagine what you must be thinking about all this. Look at me. I wanted that. I was comfortable with everything we did until I said no."</p><p>Olivia nodded, finally convinced that even if it had been ill-advised, it had definitely been consensual. And they could move on from there. "It looked like that to me, and I convinced myself I was just being paranoid. But I had to know for sure."</p><p>"I'm so sorry that wasn't clear. Last night, you were so beautiful. I should have told you how I was feeling."</p><p>She laid her hand on the couch, palm-up, for Alex to take if she wanted. "You're telling me now."</p><p>The blonde interlaced their fingers, the feeling in her chest akin to the sensation she had in her lungs after a powerful sprint. "I'm going to get better at this."</p><p>"I know. It's okay. But last night was premature. This conversation should have happened first."</p><p>It had gone unspoken until then, but it was unequivocally true. Olivia never would have let it go that far if she'd known. And Alex knew some guilt over that was warranted on her own part. "I agree. I won't keep something like this from you again, I promise. Are we okay?"</p><p>"Yeah, love, we're okay." Olivia nodded, squeezing her girlfriend's hand. "I'm not upset with you. I know this is new for you. But going forward, some things have to change. Deal?"</p><p>"Deal." It sounded like a simple agreement, and Alex would have been willing to do anything not to lose the detective. "Look, Olivia, I don't want you to worry about me when it comes to sex. When we have sex, I'll just take care of you. My brokenness...I can live with it. But I don't think I could live without you."</p><p>Liv knew the progress would be slow, but it was painfully obvious in the other woman's desire to continue her unhealthy habits in order to keep some semblance of connection in her life. "You don't have to live without me. Sex is the lowest thing on my priority list right now, okay?" Alex nodded, unsure of this declaration. It was odd, unfamiliar, new. Was she now in a romantic relationship that would not involve sex? For how long? Did Liv have a timeline? "My sweet, incredible, beautiful Al," Olivia breathed, ghosting her fingertips over a pale cheek and stopping Alex's spiraling thoughts in their tracks, "you are the strongest person I know. And you are not broken."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading. I hope that there will be justice soon in our world, but until then, no peace. #BlackLivesMatter</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.</p><p>Here is Chapter 13. Same trigger warnings from the previous chapter apply. Wishing everyone health and safety.</p><p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p><p>Chapter 13</p><p>A few minutes later, Alex sat cradled in Olivia's lap, desperately clinging to her as her drill sergeant allowed for a few more minutes of peace. Following her lead, the detective continued to provide physical comfort, holding her close and letting her fingers move lazily through flaxen locks as she felt the other woman's breathing slow and her body relax.</p><p>For the first time, the blonde was beginning to believe that maybe Liv wouldn't abandon her. Maybe every hug, every kiss, every loving caress didn't have to feel like the last. It sure sounded like she wanted to stay. But she'd been lied to before. Tammy had told her she loved her, had told her she'd never hurt her, and Alex knew how that worked out. But Liv just felt different. Her expectations were different, and her body language was different. Cabot didn't feel like she was the brunette's property, she felt like she was her girlfriend, an entire human being, entitled to certain basic dignities.</p><p>But still. If Liv were going to stick around, Alex needed to be careful that she was giving her all she'd asked for. "The things that need to change. What do you need from me?" she whispered softly as her fingertips manipulated the string adorning Olivia's blouse.</p><p>The older woman could hear the fear in her girlfriend's voice, and she knew she was still in a place of terror over the idea of being abandoned yet again. Liv wanted things to change between them, but she hadn't given her an ultimatum. This would take time. But she knew there was no way to explain this to Alex in a way that would calm her fears. So she decided to simply answer the question. "I'm gonna need some more honesty, Al. That doesn't mean I need the details of your abuse. But I need you to tell me what you're comfortable and uncomfortable with, touch wise and things like that. Without censoring yourself. I want you to do it for you, but if you can't yet, do it for me."</p><p>The prosecutor nodded as her cheek rested against Olivia's forehead, and the brunette leaned to press a kiss to the flushed skin. A shiver ran up Alex's spine and Olivia felt it. "You okay, sweetie?"</p><p>"Yeah," she sighed, shifting slightly in Benson's arms. "I just...sometimes my body reacts viscerally to touch. Especially if I like it. And I do like it. I want you to touch me. It's comforting. Healing almost. Physical pleasure—of any kind—is just hard to talk about, but I feel like the dam is open, you know, so I might as well."</p><p>"Up to you, love," Olivia breathed, leaning her head just slightly away from the lawyer's in case she needed some physical space as they tackled the sensitive subject of touch in Alex's life. "There's no pressure to be explicit. I'm sorry for basically cornering you like that."</p><p>"No, that's exactly what I needed," the younger of the two admitted, grabbing ahold of one of Olivia's hands and absently playing with her fingers, "and I think you knew that. I never would have talked otherwise. Would have kept making excuses until you just couldn't handle it anymore. You needed to make me. It was scary, but it didn't feel dangerous, you know? I'm just not sure where to go next."</p><p>The police officer hummed, responding to Alex's obvious request for comfort by once again resting her forehead against hers. "There's no right or wrong thing to say. I want to hear what you want to share."</p><p>Alex's head bobbed. "I have…I have to get off of you if I'm going to do this," she said, sitting up more fully as Liv's arms relaxed around her once again tense form.</p><p>"Yeah, of course," Olivia replied quickly, letting Alex climb off her and sit next to her. "Do you need me to get off the couch too? I can stand up, or—"</p><p>"No, no, it's not you. Stay. Please." Cabot bit her lip, embarrassed, before reaching out to squeeze Olivia's thigh. "Just need room to breathe."</p><p>"Yeah," Liv said softy. "Whatever you need."</p><p>"I can't even begin to explain the shame that comes with orgasm during sexual assault." She put her hand up in order to stop Liv, who was already frantically forming words. Like Alex, she hid from vulnerability behind the shield of the job as a protective mechanism. "You don't have to tell me. I know all about arousal non-concordance now. I promise. I just need to word vomit again." Benson nodded, inhaling deeply to steady her own breath. "I know now, I do. But the shame never really goes away. When I was a child, I mean both times, I was a child, and with Tammy—the only memories I have of pleasure are surrounded by pain and fear. Even masturbation was a chore, something I forced myself to do in order to 'fix' what was wrong with me." She exhaled shakily, finally looking up at her girlfriend. "And now, with you, I love being close to you and making love to you, even though I only did it once, but then I think about Tammy and the look on her face when my own body violated me, and I don't know what to make of it all. If my own body can betray me like that…" She shook her head, reaching to wipe away a few errant tears.</p><p>Once she knew Alex was finished, the brunette gingerly scooted closer to the younger woman. The words she used were not depicting an event she didn't already know about—Alex had mentioned that her body reacted to her second abuser's assaults—but the look in her eyes as she shared that even now, possessing the knowledge she did about the topic, that it still wasn't clear cut to her, was devastating for Liv to watch. She was speechless in horror at the harrowing experiences the woman she loved had faced and was likely still facing each day of her life. "I—honey, I don't know what to say. I know usually I have the right thing to say, or at least something to say, but I just—I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."</p><p>The ADA wiped tears from her eyes and snot from her nose. She'd never seen Olivia unable to comfort a victim. Had she broken her, rendered her incapable of speech, with the disgusting words she'd uttered? Was she too much already? She forced herself to keep her voice calm as she sat up taller. "I understand if this is too much for you. I know I can be a bit of a hurricane—"</p><p>Olivia knew the moment she attempted to turn on her poised, confident attorney persona. It was even more heartbreaking than usual because though the attempt was valiant, it failed miserably. Alex had spent her entire life putting together this robotic, "nothing-fazes-me" façade, and now that she felt it was more necessary than ever, she was failing to keep the wall up. It was too high stakes for her. And she was falling fast. Benson hated the idea, but still, she felt as if she had no other choice than to completely interrupt her, lowering her voice and speaking as authoritatively as she had when Alex had first arrived at the apartment. "No. You are nothing of the sort, Alex Cabot. You are good and so brave, and you're smart and beautiful, and you mean something. You have value, my love. You have value. You matter. And I love you. This could never change that."</p><p>"I want to believe that."</p><p>"I can tell. I don't expect for it to happen overnight. I didn't know what to say because I hate to see you in pain. You're not like any other survivor to me, Al. You are everything to me, really. I love you. And it kills me to see you hurting. I still want you to let me in though. You're not gonna scare me away."</p><p>"I can't remember anyone ever saying those things to me," Alex confessed, trying to recall the last time someone had looked at her with such tenderness or spoken to her with such compassion. She must have been a little girl. "People's love for me was always so conditional. And to keep myself safe, I created these rules for myself, and I guess it's a trauma response, but I call him my drill sergeant. Some things are off limits. Letting people touch me...intimately...is one of those things."</p><p>"And being the little spoon."</p><p>She nodded. "Yes. And being a burden."</p><p>"You could never be a burden to me."</p><p>"Just...everything...all these years...it's just so much. Being with you, I've broken one of the biggest rules of them all. Never fall in love. But I fell, Liv." A few tears escaped the prison of her eyes, and hesitantly, she reached out for Olivia, her hand moving shakily towards her. "I fell hard. And you make me feel safer than I ever have. But my drill sergeant, he's still telling me to be careful around you."</p><p>Liv let her hand hover over her girlfriend's, tension building between fingers that longed to connect. "I would never touch you without explicit permission."</p><p>"I know that," she swore, her eyes welling up with tears again. "I know that, and it kills me because I'm still afraid."</p><p>"That's not your fault, my love, and I don't want you to feel bad about it."</p><p>Finally, Alex's hand seized Olivia's, all ten fingers coming to rest on the couch between them. "I don't want this to be my life, Olivia. Learning how to have sex. Getting over these associations. I value the chance to have sex with you, Liv, but not more than my sanity. I just don't know what to do."</p><p>"Well, I'm not going anywhere, Al, and ultimately it's up to you."</p><p>Alex sniffed, nodding. She knew that Liv would wait for her to make all these important choices, but she had not one iota of a clue of where to begin. "I don't like having choices. I never learned how."</p><p>"Baby," Olivia sighed, squeezing the blonde's hand, "you're gonna have to learn how to have choices. I know it's scary, and I'm so, so sorry you're in this position. Maybe we can start with something you already know you want."</p><p>Cabot took a deep breath. Olivia was always so good at orienting her. At handing her a compass and asking her which direction she wanted to go. "I know that I want you. Other than that, I'm not sure I'm ready for more."</p><p>"Well, it sounds like we want the same thing. Thank you for sharing all this with me, Al. We'll figure it out, I promise. You've made an exponential amount of progress today, you know that, right?"</p><p>"I…feel lighter. But also like I've been hit by a truck."</p><p>She laughed quickly, and Olivia couldn't help but smile at the momentary levity. That wasn't an ADA Cabot laugh. It was absolutely an Alex laugh, and it brought the older woman a great deal of relief. Instinctively, she reached up to wipe away the remnants of Alex's tears, pausing when the prosecutor's eyes met her hand. "Can I?" she asked softly, squeezing the fingers of the hand that was already wrapped around hers.</p><p>After an enthusiastic nod, she went to work, carefully moving her fingers along wet streaks and hot droplets, her eyes locked on curious blues as she continued her ministrations. "It's okay for this to feel good," she said eventually, "for it to feel right. It's going to take a while for your body to believe that, but if your mind can believe it," she hypothesized, smoothing over blonde hair with the palm of her hand, "it might be easier to convince your body."</p><p>"To convince my drill sergeant."</p><p>Olivia hummed, taking note of the darkness outside of her apartment for the first time. "Shit, I totally forgot about dinner. How long were you in court? You must be so hungry."</p><p>Alex cleared her throat as Liv pulled her hand away from her face. "Yeah, we went through lunch. Think Langan was hoping it would weaken me. But I'm not actually all that hungry. You should eat though." Benson's eyes widened in concern and she tipped her head to the side, preparing to speak. "Don't look at me like that. You can't blame me for not having an appetite right now."</p><p>"I don't blame you for anything," the brunette promised, giving her girlfriend's hand one more squeeze. "You've never been taken care of before. I just want to take care of you."</p><p>"I know." The younger woman nodded, erasing the distance between them and resting her head on Olivia's shoulder. "I have to work on not getting defensive with you. I'm just so tired."</p><p>Liv knew she wasn't talking about being tired in the traditional sense, but rather an emotionally fatigued sort of tired that happens after a person has spent two thirds of their life pretending to be okay. However, the statement did remind Olivia of the previous night and how they both had been so upset. "I can't imagine you got enough sleep last night," she murmured into the blonde's rose-scented hair.</p><p>She hummed, giving a quick laugh. "Not a wink."</p><p>"I figured." The detective wrapped her arm around the younger woman, squeezing her bicep and remembering what Alex had said when she'd first walked through the door. "And you won the Wade hearing, even with everything going on?"</p><p>"Attorney hat, Liv. Though I have to say, human Alex came through because I felt myself getting angry. Tara's ID was perfectly legal. She spent hours staring into his eyes, Olivia. I…" Noticing her voice rising, she took a few deep breaths in order to calm her breathing. Her throat was on fire from all the talking she did that day, with the hearing and talking to Liv, but she felt the urge to continue speaking. "I need to work on finding the balance between Ms. Cabot and just Alex, you know?"</p><p>"It can all be the same person, Al. Your anger is warranted, and you can use your skills to put it to good use."</p><p>She knew it was true. "Yeah."</p><p>Benson pressed her lips into the attorney's hair for a few more seconds, and then she pulled back so they could make arrangements for the evening. "Well, tell me what you want to do tonight. I can take you home, you can stay here. Whatever you want."</p><p>Alex knew there was no expectation in her voice, and she was able to convince herself that there wouldn't be a wrong answer. "Olivia, I...God, this is going to sound so melodramatic."</p><p>"Hey." She nudged the lawyer's chin upwards with a gentle hand so that they could reestablish eye contact after Alex's shame-filled disclaimer. "Remember, if it's human Alex, I already love it."</p><p>Though the pain in her throat was becoming unbearable and she needed more water, she had one last summation for the jury—consisting solely of her drill sergeant. "I'm done being alone. I'm done. I'm done sleeping alone. And crying alone. I'm done hurting alone just because some indoctrinated part of me thinks it's righteous. I still feel shame about this, Liv, but that loneliness for the sake of virtue and respectability crap—it's complete and utter bullshit."</p><p>A small smile played on Olivia's face. "So, you want to stay?"</p><p>Alex nodded. The verdict was in. "Fuck the rules. Tonight, you're the big spoon."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thanks for reading. Would love to know what you think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.</p><p>Here is Chapter 14. Same trigger warnings from the previous chapter apply. Wishing everyone health and safety. I have finally finished outlining this story, and I can tell you all now that it will have 45 chapters, unless something changes.</p><p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 14</p><p> </p><p>"Liv!"</p><p>The next morning was Saturday, and Alex rolled over in the bed to find Olivia's side empty. Logically, she knew she was in Olivia's apartment, so the chances of her just upping and leaving were slim to none, but still, unease began in her stomach and spread throughout her body, her heart beginning to beat in time with her frantic thoughts.</p><p>Did Olivia decide in the night that she hadn't signed up to date a survivor? That Alex was too far gone to help? Or—was it something Alex would whole-heartedly agree with? Something about it being Olivia's job to help survivors, and she didn't need to come home to it every day as well? It's not like there was any hope for justice in Alex's case, well cases. There would be no remaining evidence—regardless of the statute of limitations—of a seventeen-year-old rape. And Tammy? Well, the precedent surrounding a woman's ability to commit rape was still slightly iffy, especially according to your average jury, and if people didn't consider actual sex—consensual sexual activity—between two women to be real sex, could rape between two women be real rape under the law? Alex shook her head. There was no way Olivia could be or should be made to handle this.</p><p>But she still dreaded the idea of losing her, the heat of her earlier terror giving way to the chill of darkness, overwhelmed by the possibility of going back to the empty life she'd been living since the moment her simultaneously passive and sanctimonious mother had given birth to her.</p><p>She launched herself from the bed and went straight for the door. Where was she?</p><p>"Liv!"</p><p>She almost collided with the brunette as she turned the corner into the hallway, the older woman letting out a surprised yelp. "I'm right here, sweetie. You okay?"</p><p>Alex sighed in relief, feeling slightly light-headed as her blood pressure returned to normal. "Yeah," she heaved. "Just when I woke up and you weren't next to me, I thought..."</p><p>The detective nodded, taking a step towards the other woman. "I know. But I'm here." The blonde bobbed her head up in down in response, but she still seemed somewhat unsure. "Can I hug you?"</p><p>"Yeah." Her voice was sort of absent as fear began to be replaced with scorching embarrassment, her cheeks remaining red as she struggled to make eye contact with Benson. The way she was acting would do nothing to quell Olivia's worry that the attorney was afraid of her. Liv had done nothing to warrant this behavior, but it was so hard to explain that her fear wasn't directed specifically at her, it was directed at everyone, at everything—it just so happened that she was currently in Liv's apartment, after sleeping in her arms, in her bed, after sharing her most shameful secrets with her. Olivia was the trigger, not the stressor, and though objectively the brunette might have been able to comprehend that, Alex had come to know the other woman well enough that she was aware this distinction wouldn't soothe her. But by letting Olivia hug her, Alex was coming as close as she could to saying these words aloud without actually voicing them and risking the vulnerability that would inevitably come along with the action.</p><p>Olivia felt the blonde rest her chin on her shoulder, sighing into the embrace as their arms encircled one another. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, Alex. I mean it."</p><p>"I know you mean it, I just…."</p><p>"You don't owe me an explanation, sweetheart. That panic that overwhelms you…it's entirely involuntary. I could never be upset with you for that." She squeezed her even tighter for a few moments, wanting the loving hold to serve as an anchor to reality. The brunette was there, and she would keep Alex in her arms for as long as she needed.</p><p>The younger woman pulled away after several more seconds, cradling Olivia's face with her delicate hands. The gratitude flowing through her was indescribable. She knew that everyone was entitled to basic respect, and in her life, she'd been shown less than the bare minimum, but somehow she could tell that Olivia was special, going above and beyond the average human being when it came to her capacity for tenderness. Alex's trauma had manifested in being shut off and pretending to be totally independent. Had Olivia's trauma resulted in her intentionally gentle behavior? "Why are you an actual angel?"</p><p>The cop just hummed, leaning her forehead against Alex's and offering her a soft smile. "I love you," she whispered. "And I'm going to say it until your drill sergeant believes it to be true beyond all reasonable doubt."</p><p>"He's hard to convince," Cabot warned, her hands dropping so that her fingertips could play with the wisps of hair nestled in the nape of Olivia's neck. "But I love you too."</p><p>"I'm sorry I scared you, Al," she said in an earnest whisper. "I went to see what we have for breakfast."</p><p>Alex's eyes widened as she realized how hungry she was, and comforted by Olivia's mere proximity to her, she noticed her body begin to relax—her shoulders drooped, her teeth unclenched, her fingers stopped their assault on her palms. She actually hadn't eaten anything at all in more than twenty-four hours. There were donuts in the office as she arrived for the O'Doherty Wade hearing, but that was all she'd eaten since Olivia had stayed the night at her penthouse. "Wow," she observed, for the first time that morning consciously feeling her stomach protest its lack of fullness, "you have an empty cereal box? Cause I'll eat that."</p><p>The detective squeezed her upper arm. "I'm sure I have something better than that," she laughed. Alex had a pretty keen sense of humor. It was normally very deadpan, but that fit her personality, and on the rare occasion she laughed, like really laughed, it was as if a bell-chime suspended in the air had been blown gently by the wind. The sound could soothe Olivia to sleep. "Come on, love," she said, reaching her hand out for the blonde to take.</p><p>"Wait, I have to pee first," she blurted, the adrenaline leaving her system allowing her bladder to send signals once again to her brain.</p><p>Liv chuckled lightly. "I'll wait here for you," she said, wanting to give the woman privacy, while still remaining close so as to provide some security.</p><p>Soon, Alex returned, eagerly accepting her girlfriend's invitation to be guided down the hallway by the hand. "How did you sleep?" Olivia asked quietly as she led Alex into the kitchen.</p><p>"Better than I have in a while actually," she answered, yawning as she began to ponder the thought. She had broken the rules. The rules were designed to keep her safe. But they never really made her feel safe. She'd never felt protected, wrapped in a blanket of safety and warmth. Spending long nights shivering and alone in perpetuity had been her plan until she'd made the first decision to ignore her mind's own warning and knocked on Liv's door at two a.m. Deciding to break the rules in order to connect with the woman she'd fallen in love with had made her feel safe. Was being in control the path to freedom from her drill sergeant? Was deliberately disobeying the one entity that had always kept its promise to be there her only chance at a normal life, whatever that meant?</p><p>"Good," Liv mused, releasing her hand and opening the refrigerator. "What do you feel like eating?"</p><p>"Honestly," she sighed, rubbing at sleepy eyes, "cereal sounds good."</p><p>"You're easy to please, Al," Olivia said, smirking softly. "I can make you something you, know?"</p><p>"I know, sweetie," Cabot acknowledged, leaning against the oven, which was next to the refrigerator. "I want cereal. I'm a food snob, but not with breakfast."</p><p>The brunette nodded. "Cereal's in the pantry, love."</p><p>Alex opened the door to the pantry, realizing the labels on the cereal boxes were blurry. "Wait, I'm blind. Where are my glasses? I don't feel like putting in my contacts."</p><p>The older woman turned to the living room, where Alex had left her reading glasses on the table in front of the couch. She quickly retrieved them as the ADA continued to squint at the box she'd picked up. Ever competitive, maybe she could guess correctly. Frosted Flakes? Alex was about ready to explain to Liv that Kellogg had been a huge proponent of female genital mutilation. Talk about easy conversation over breakfast. Before she could begin her lesson, though, the brunette returned with the object she needed. "They're right here." Olivia brushed some hair out of Alex's face gingerly, before carefully sliding the temple tips over her ears and settling the nose pads over the bridge of her nose. "I didn't get a chance to tell you yesterday, but you're really adorable when you first wake up."</p><p>"Really?" The tired smile that spread across her face was further proof of Olivia's observation.</p><p>Benson nodded, tucking a few strands of flaxen hair behind the other woman's ear and reveling in the relaxed hum that left Alex's throat. "Oh, yeah. Like the cutest thing I've ever seen."</p><p>"Thank you." The emotion in her voice was representative of more than Olivia's sweet compliment. "I'm sorry I reacted like that when you weren't in the bed. I don't want you to think I don't trust you."</p><p>"You don't trust me," Olivia acknowledged casually, grabbing the milk. "But that's okay. I understand why."</p><p>"Trusting people...has just always been a bad idea." She selected the blandest cereal she could find and joined Olivia by the kitchen counter, the brunette passing her the carton of milk and a glass bowl.</p><p>"Come on," Benson instructed gently once their bowls were made, guiding her to the kitchen table. "Am I your first disclosure...after your parents?"</p><p>"Yes." Alex nodded with her spoon in her mouth, chewing and swallowing before continuing. "And you're my only successful one. Thank you for believing me."</p><p>Liv, who was in the process of lifting some cereal to her lips, dropped her spoon back into her bowl with a plop. "Baby, that's a no-brainer."</p><p>"For you, yes," the attorney conceded. "But I want you to know I don't take it for granted. You believing me. You loving me. You staying even though shit hit the fan...hard."</p><p>"I don't want to be anywhere else. From the moment I met you, Alex Cabot, you were the one. Everything else with time, my love."</p><p>She couldn't resist the smile that formed on her lips, but it only lasted for a few moments, a painful thought occurring to her as she chewed. "I mean, there's a reason my father liked to call me 'Hurricane Alexan—'"</p><p>"There is no such thing as Hurricane Alexandra," Olivia stressed, her eyes boring into Alex's. "You're not the storm. I want you to hear this, baby. What they put you through, what they were complicit in—that's the storm. Your father, Al, he was looking at a mirror."</p><p>The prosecutor inhaled deeply, taking about a minute to finish the last of her cereal. "He and Pastor Paul went to undergrad together. Family, you know." She scoffed. Pastor Paul had earned an honorary place in the Cabot family. Her father had said the man possessed virtue and godliness, and had even given the blonde a disappointed side-eye as if to tell her they were not qualities she knew anything about.</p><p>Olivia always tried to offer perspective to the survivors she worked with, but something about the way she loved Alex only allowed her to offer an opinion, and it wasn't the opinion of an SVU detective. It was the opinion of a woman who knew what it was like to be punished for something she couldn't control. Her voice softened, the words breaking somewhat as they escaped her voice box. "You were a child, Al. He should have chosen you."</p><p>Alex reached out and squeezed the brunette's balled up fist as it rested tensely on the wooden table, gently coaxing her fingers to uncurl. "The truth is I knew he would pick Pastor Paul over me. I was always a problem child, outspoken, disobedient. In '84, when I was like nine, I told him not to vote for Reagan." The detective chuckled involuntarily, remembering her mother's active campaigning for Walter Mondale. Their childhoods were so different in many ways, but in so many others that mattered, they were achingly similar. "You're laughing, but truthfully, I think it was the beginning of the end." She watched Olivia's fingers move against hers as they talked, both empty bowls of cereal now discarded to the side. "I knew my father wouldn't believe me, partially because it would mean I was no longer pure."</p><p>"Alex—"</p><p>"Liv," Cabot stopped her, her voice remaining calm, "I'm just trying to make the point that I knew it would be a mistake. I never should have told them about Paul, even though I felt like I had to."</p><p>"I feel like I know the answer, but did you ever tell your family—"</p><p>"About Tammy? It was dumb, but yeah, I did. All they took from the conversation is 'Good Lord, our daughter is a homosexual.' I gave up pretty quickly."</p><p>"And your uncle?" Olivia knew Alex had worked for her uncle even after her teenage years, so some family relationships had to have remained intact.</p><p>The Assistant DA nodded, gesturing for the two women to move to the couch, their now designated talking area. Olivia brewed coffee for them as Alex leaned over the small kitchen island. "I think he tried a little harder than them. He gave me an internship at his office while I was in school. He wasn't a Cabot, you know, he was my mom's brother. But they wouldn't let him be closer to me. I was a lesson to my cousins on my father's side, that's for sure."</p><p>Olivia had always been lonely, but it was mostly due to the lack of people in her life. It was her and her mom, and then her mom died, and she just had the squad. Alex experienced a whole different kind of loneliness, where there were people all around her in every direction, and still—no one. The agony was unimaginable to her, and though her girlfriend had told her only her parents knew, her urge was to dig deeper. Maybe her situation hadn't been so awful after all. "What about your other girlfriends?"</p><p>Just the other day, this line of questioning would have made Alex extremely defensive. But Olivia wasn't looking for ammunition to use against her, she was looking for opportunities to show the other woman compassion. And it was obvious in her gentle prodding and kind eyes that spoke volumes. Cabot knew if she wanted to stop, one word would be enough. "If you could call them that," she chuckled bitterly. "No. They were none the wiser."</p><p>"No one asked?" Olivia wasn't satisfied with this answer. When Alex just shrugged, she decided to amend her question, the women finally moving into the living room. "Usually when someone doesn't like to be touched—"</p><p>Alex removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes. This conversation was getting easier. It felt less impossible to bare her soul to Olivia than it had felt before. Still, it was instantaneously exhausting. "It was easy for them. As long as I was willing to hold up my end of the bargain, they didn't feel the need to ask questions. It wasn't their fault. I didn't exactly encourage the conversation."</p><p>Olivia couldn't wrap her head around the idea that another woman wouldn't be the least bit concerned. She expected more. Alex clearly didn't. "You didn't encourage it between us, but I noticed."</p><p>"I don't know what to say, Liv. You're different. You're different from them," she repeated resolutely, remembering her earlier thoughts about how the woman she was lucky enough to be sitting next to was next level incredible. "You're just different."</p><p>Olivia inched closer to the younger woman, gesturing with her arm to ask for permission to initiate contact. Alex gave her a quick nod, resting her head under the brunette's chin as the cop encased her in an embrace. "Can I ask you one more question? And then we can put this to rest if you want." She pressed her lips into wild hair, the many hours of sleep making it appear slightly unkempt and simply adding to the lawyer's beauty. "At least for now," she added. "I don't want to overwhelm you."</p><p>"It's fine, honey," Alex assured her. Liv was the one who'd been using the majority of the pet names, but the ADA was realizing that each time a term of endearment flowed so naturally out of the brunette's mouth—sweet, like honey—it made her feel so loved, so cherished. Cabot wanted her to feel similarly, so she decided to try out the gesture, and somewhat to her surprise, it wasn't all that awkward. "I want to do this. If there's something you want the answer to, I want to give you the answer."</p><p>Benson hummed, sipping her coffee, and then she leaned forward to rid herself of the burdensome mug as she spoke. "Thursday night," she murmured, no judgement in her voice, "when you asked me to stay...what was going on in your head?"</p><p>Alex sighed, bringing her legs up to curl under her and allowing her girlfriend to wrap the other arm around her as well. Would there come a time when the blonde once again found this kind of touch fear-inducing? How would she and Liv handle that? How would she explain that it was the touch, and not the person behind the touch, that could be triggering? She reminded herself to be in the moment with Liv, that it was okay for this to feel good, for it to feel safe and right—that's what the detective had told her. And it was okay. Alex needed to give herself permission to like it, and that was going to be a lifelong process, but it seemed to be one Olivia was up for.</p><p>"I was thinking that I'd fallen in love with you, and I wanted to connect," she breathed into Benson's collarbone, feeling a shiver work its way through the other woman's body. She pressed her lips to the exposed skin, reminding herself to enjoy the intimacy. She pulled away slightly to meet the emotional orbs that stared through her. "I wasn't sure if I could, so it was an irresponsible decision, and I know that it hurt you. But in the moment, I was so overwhelmed with the need to be close to you that I just kind of shut down. You did everything right. I fucked up."</p><p>Olivia shook her head, clearing her throat and squeezing the prosecutor's knee. "I should have asked more questions."</p><p>"And I should have been upfront from the get-go. We can't fix it now, honey. All we can do is put in the work and move forward."</p><p>Liv knew Alex had the potential to tap into her own emotions. She'd seen it in small snippets of Alex's genuine laughter, her deeply rooted pain, and in her unspeakable love for the brunette. But it usually came out of her in something akin to an excited utterance—never considered beforehand, always out of the blue. But in that moment, as Alex explained that she wanted to move forward, Olivia saw clear lucidity in her eyes at the same time as she saw raw, unfettered emotion. "Alex, I…All I can say is I'm in awe of you, of your bravery and your resilience. I fall more and more in love with you every day. I wish our first time hadn't happened the way it did, but I'm glad I got to tell you how I felt."</p><p>"You know, when we were talking about it yesterday, I realized—and excuse my desire to always make the things I say sound catchy," she offered in disclaimer, her eyes clearing impossibly further, "but it's won me cases—I know how to make a woman come, but I'm not sure I know how to make love."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading, and as always, I appreciate your thoughts!</p><p>-Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 15. Same trigger warnings from the previous chapter apply. Wishing everyone health and safety. I have finally finished outlining this story, and I can tell you all now that it will have 45 chapters, unless something changes.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 15</p><p>"I want to,” Alex continued, her desire to show Liv she wasn’t giving up on herself overriding her drill sergeant’s warning orders. “I want to learn. And I do want to...receive. But in that way, I'm a late bloomer I guess." She shrugged, watching Olivia study her with curious eyes. The last few days had been intense for both of them, but the detective had been thrown into a bootcamp for supporting survivors in interpersonal relationships. The situation with her mother had been so different, and though in many ways the brunette ended up mothering Serena, the dynamics of coming to terms with a disclosure in a romantic relationship was worlds apart from anything she knew.</p><p> In addition, Alex noticed her girlfriend surrender to the circumstances of this bootcamp, and she wondered if she’d received a drill sergeant of her own. Benson gave the ADA’s hand a squeeze, recognizing that the particular way in which the blush rose in her cheeks in these moments was indicative of shame. Olivia wasn’t yet an expert at transferring her skills from SVU to her own apartment, but she’d learned Alex’s tells supremely well, which she considered to be an incredible success. "Your development was stunted by abuse."</p><p>Alex nodded. She knew the other woman was right, but she was overcome with an inexplicable need to be close to Olivia, something she’d never felt before. "I still want to try." </p><p>"I don't feel comfortable yet, knowing what I know now." Olivia gave her a sad smile. If she had known about Cabot’s history of abuse the other night, she absolutely would not have agreed to sex without further conversation, and she could see in Alex’s eyes that the blonde was battling guilt around it.</p><p>"Of course,” she whispered softly.</p><p>"But I do want to,” she assured the woman who was now refusing to make eye contact. “We just have some work to do first."</p><p>She wanted to believe Olivia’s words more than anything she’d ever wanted before. More than she wanted to go camping again without struggling and failing to not associate the smells of the woods with the smells of a particular cabin from thirteen years ago. More than she wanted her belief in God back. More than she wanted the love and affection of her parents, something she’d realized she never truly had, not since she was old enough to open her mouth and have opinions anyway. But still, though the words were always spoken with such care and such realness, it seemed too good to be true. Olivia had a limit. There was no way she didn’t. Alex had never met a woman who would be totally fine in a relationship without sex indefinitely. "We haven't really even kissed. We need to make progress somewhere."</p><p>The police officer shifted on the couch, breathing deeply. Was this Alex’s drill sergeant speaking loudly over her again? This enemy was invisible, so she wasn’t sure how to fight it. Would telling the truth over and over again work? It was supposed to. "It feels like you've forced yourself to live on a set timeline, sweetie. We don't have to do anything. We are making progress,” she insisted. “And I'm not sitting here, waiting for you to put out." </p><p>"It feels like we've regressed."</p><p>Alex was acting like a witness in the process of being cross-examined again. Brief, unspecific statements designed to answer the question at hand with as few words as possible. Was she clamming up again? Olivia knew this would happen, but she’d hoped it wouldn’t be this bad. If the blonde weren’t going to talk, at the very least, Liv knew she would listen. "Listen, love. Really hear me. There is no timeline for this, no model to follow. This is going to be one step forward, two steps back for a while. It's the nature of the beast."</p><p>The beast.</p><p>Was the beast her drill sergeant?</p><p>Or one of the monsters from her past?</p><p>All of the above?</p><p>Alex knew trauma couldn’t be quantified, but God, how she wished she could name the particulars of what made this so damn hard. And now she was thinking about God again. </p><p>Fuck that.</p><p>She opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was an involuntary yawn, one that would suggest it was later in the day than just past noon. “I’m sorry,” Alex breathed, noting the fatigue that was weighing down her bones. </p><p>Though she’d claimed to have slept well and Olivia reveled in the beauty that was Alex Cabot holding on to the remnants of sleep, now the detective was noticing the dark circles under lower eyelids and the overall lethargic demeanor of the woman she loved. "You do look pretty tired."</p><p>"Yeah,” she agreed, “this zaps me. I still want to talk, but it's like my body is just saying no."</p><p>"Well,” Olivia pondered, “lie down and try to rest. You can lay your head on me.”  She placed a pillow on her lap and then patted it in invitation. “We can keep talking, or we can just be together. Whichever is fine."</p><p>The attorney nodded her head, pulling her legs up under her so that they rested on the couch. She moved to lay her head down on the pillow her girlfriend had offered her, and Olivia noticed a distinctive wince as she performed the maneuver.</p><p>The brunette’s hand came to rest in the younger woman’s hair as she situated herself into as comfortable of a position as possible. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"Yeah, I...” This wasn’t something she’d intended on sharing with Benson just yet. She could ignore her drill sergeant to some extent, but Alex knew she had to keep some secrets. And as she was used to this particular affliction, nine times out of ten there was no reason for other people to know about it. Not even her doctors knew that she spent twenty-four/seven suffering, and it was non-stop. “I experience chronic pain. Muscle aches. Pretty much constantly. It's exacerbated by stress, and..."</p><p>"…you've been particularly stressed,” Olivia finished her sentence so she could take a few deep breaths. </p><p>Moving made it worse. So did sitting up for long periods of time. She often woke up in the morning—if she’d managed to fall asleep—in more pain than she’d been in the night before. "I've also heard that childhood trauma sets you up for things like this."</p><p>"Yeah, it does,” Liv acknowledged, letting her fingernails lightly scratch Alex’s scalp. She wanted to comfort her in any way possible. She already lived with so much emotional anguish. Why did her body have to do this to her too? “What is hurting you right now?" she asked gently, watching the blonde’s hand come to hold onto her thigh under the pillow. She needed the contact. So Olivia carefully brought her free hand to rest on the small of Alex’s back. She hated that it was all she could do. </p><p>“It’s kind of everywhere,” she said softly, taking stock of her body, “but what you saw me grimace at was my shoulder blades.”</p><p>Benson thought for a moment, humming as her fingers moved through light yellow hair. "Is this the kind of pain that massage would help?"</p><p>"I think so,” the prosecutor sighed, feeling the hand on her back dance gingerly upwards until it met her left shoulder blade. Alex tried to roll her left arm, a small whimper escaping her at the painful contraction. “It just feels like excessive muscle tightness. But obviously I’ve never gone to a masseuse because that would require someone to touch me."</p><p>The older woman’s hand lifted off of the tender flesh blow it, and Alex could feel the heat of it hovering above her. "Can I...?"</p><p>Alex sighed again. This was precisely why she didn’t want Olivia to know. It wasn’t her job to make her feel better all the time, and she was just starting to feel like things would be okay. It had been since before breakfast that the blonde had found herself convinced that Liv would kick her out. She didn’t want things to change. "You don't have to do that,” she said with little conviction, her voice tired.</p><p>"Sweetheart, I know I don't have to,” Liv replied to her concern, forceful but kind. “I'm asking if I can."</p><p>For her entire life, Alex had been the one to reach behind her shoulder and carefully manipulate sore muscles. It was soothing for a moment, but the positioning was awkward and often led to more pain.<br/>
She felt her girlfriend’s eyes on her as she considered. Could this be something she could trust Olivia with? It wasn’t sex, and it wasn’t uncomfortably intimate, but it was something. Something that would feel good for Alex and productive for Olivia. It would be a symbiotic relationship, one of mutualism. Something that Alex could use to show the detective that she was trusted. It was just her back, and she was on top of the older woman. She had more power than was obvious to her. And then there was the most compelling reason to say yes, she thought to herself as her drill sergeant once again gave her radio silence—she wanted it. Badly. "Sure." She tried not to sound too invested. But the truth is her breath caught in her throat the moment Olivia’s hand resumed contact with the skin below it, the cotton of her T-shirt the only barrier between insistent fingers and hot, painful flesh. </p><p>As well as the sound that left Alex at the touch, Olivia felt the attorney’s fingers wrap around her yoga pant-cladded thigh, her nails shallowly pushing into the skin. "Am I hurting you?" she asked quickly, releasing the pressure.</p><p>There was a beat of silence as Benson waited. "No." </p><p>"Sweetie,” Olivia cooed softly, sensing that the blonde was holding back, “when I ask you that, I need you to be honest with me. If I am hurting you, I want to know so that I can stop."</p><p>It seemed so simple, but still, Alex couldn’t quite wrap her head around it. And though the movement of Olivia’s hand on her shoulder blade highlighted the discomfort she was feeling, it also somewhat concealed the pain, overriding it with something more pleasant. It was sixty percent pleasure and forty percent pain. Olivia’s touch was soothing, and even though it still hurt due to the nature of the muscle tightness, she didn’t want her to stop. "You're not hurting me. It's...just a little intense."</p><p>The brunette nodded, knowing Alex wouldn’t be able to see her. She carefully pushed her fingers once again into the lawyer’s skin, this time being meticulously aware of the pressure she was supplying. "Is this better?"</p><p>Alex sighed, the sensation this time being eighty percent pleasure, which is a ratio she was more than willing to accept. "Yeah. I'm sorry."</p><p>"You didn't do anything wrong,” Olivia reassured the woman struggling to relax below her, one hand moving around her shoulders and upper back and the other continuing its gentle massage of her scalp. “But you don't need to tell me what you think I want to hear. I always, always want the truth from you, my love. Always."</p><p>“Thank you, baby,” Alex murmured, the sound of the pet name leaving her lips making her smile. She was in a real live relationship, and there was a possibility of it lasting. There was extraordinary pressure to keep Olivia happy, more pressure than the detective could ever supply with her tender hands. The anxious thoughts brought more tension to her body and Liv felt it instantly.</p><p>"Can you try to relax a little?" she asked quietly, trying to preserve their cocoon of safety. Immediately she felt Alex’s hand grip onto her thigh again, and because she knew she hadn’t changed anything about her delicate massage, the astronomical increase in tension in the younger woman’s body had to be due to her words.</p><p>This had happened before. When Olivia had told her she was relieved to know Alex liked her too, when she’d mentioned Alex’s comment about letting rapists walk—there was a straightening to her spine, a balling of her fists, an involuntary stillness to her entire body. Olivia had told her girlfriend to relax before—in a loving way, of course—but not in this situation. The combination of the aching vulnerability of allowing Liv to touch her in this way and the seemingly innocuous request for her to try and relax had brought to the surface a memory that Alex had spent more than a decade trying to forget.</p><p>Olivia knew immediately that she’d been triggered.</p><p>So did Alex for that matter, and she’d gripped onto Olivia for dear life, begging her drill sergeant to let her stay, to keep her from flashing back entirely. This wasn’t a memory that would serve her, she argued desperately at her drill sergeant’s sudden reappearance. She knew what Tammy had told her; reliving it would just cause her undue pain.</p><p>Olivia was different.</p><p>Olivia was different.</p><p>Again, she argued her drill sergeant’s point as he continued to show her flashes of Tammy’s voice, flashes of her hands, her laugh, her faux tenderness, Olivia was different.</p><p>Olivia was different.</p><p>“Al.”</p><p>Alex felt like she was floating above her body, watching Olivia and her drill sergeant battle it out viciously as she stood helplessly by, a passive bystander—just as she’d been her entire life.</p><p>“Al, you’re with me. You’re with Olivia.” She didn’t know whether to continue her comforting touch or to cease it entirely, so doubting herself, she decided to keep still hands resting lightly on Alex’s stiff form.</p><p>“Olivia.” Alex’s voice was raw, distant, and she couldn’t recall choosing to recite the woman’s name. But reality was beginning to return to her now, and the pain in her body became once again focused on her upper back. “Please.”</p><p>“I’m not going to hurt you, Alex.” Liv’s voice was impossibly soft, and Cabot could feel her begin to win this tug-of-war. But her “please” wasn’t a plea for Olivia to not hurt her, it was a plea for Olivia to dominate her drill sergeant, to shut him up for good.</p><p>Alex was tired of listening.</p><p>Somehow, the brunette knew, her voice becoming louder, stronger. “I love you, Alex,” she promised, stressing the ‘I’ as she declared it again. “I love you. You are safe.” The younger woman nodded her head weakly into the pillow she rested on. “Safe,” Olivia repeated for her, softer now.</p><p>“I’m safe,” Alex told her drill sergeant passionately, an out loud summation to the thoughts she’d been shouting at him. Finally, the last remaining ghosts of Tammy’s hands left her skin, granting her a much-needed respite from their never-ending assault. Olivia’s steady hold on her came into focus, and a long sigh left her throat. “Olivia,” she whispered, fearing that speaking any louder would cause her drill sergeant to send her flying back into the cabin.</p><p>“I’m here, baby,” she whispered in return, her own hammering heart slowly returning to normal. </p><p>Alex knew there were pros to pretending something had never happened, which is why she’d done so to begin with. She’d buried Tammy so deeply within her soul that she’d forgotten the specifics of the words she’d used to convince her that what they were doing was consensual. But now that she was thinking about it again, the memories formed minds of their own, partnering with her drill sergeant to remind her why this thing with Olivia would never end well.</p><p>The ADA, for the first time, trusted Olivia more than she trusted her drill sergeant. Tammy had only kept her promises until she got her in bed, and though she’d continued to placate her, it was a show, something that only hindsight had let Alex become aware of. Olivia had her, half-naked and vulnerable, and still she’d responded to the word “no” as if her own life depended on it.</p><p>Olivia was different. </p><p>“Tammy used to tell me to relax when…” Alex stopped herself.  “She said it only hurt because…” A shaky breath. “Olivia.”</p><p>“I’m here,” she reminded her, the hand that had been on her back beginning to draw slow, steadying lines up and down, grounding her in time with her words. “I’m not going anywhere. Do you want me to stop touching you?”</p><p>That was a question she’d never heard before, real or imagined. “Please don’t.”</p><p>“I won’t then,” Olivia whispered. “How about instead of telling you to relax, I remind you to breathe, yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, that sounds good.” She sniffed. “I know that you’re different. You sound different. You feel different. But it’s all so fresh again. It’ll just take time. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Just breathe, my sweet Al.” A gentle hand continued its movements up and down her back, the other brushing now tear- and sweat-soaked hair away from her face. “I have time.”</p><p>A few more moments went by, the two women exchanging loving phrases back and forth. Alex was feeling more exhausted than ever, but the trigger had offered her some clarity. Olivia had overpowered her drill sergeant just then, which is more than she could have said about the night of the “Great Freak Out” at her penthouse. Progress was inching forward, but the tortoise beat the hare in the race eventually. </p><p>"Can I ask you a question about Tammy?” Olivia asked softly, her fingers playing with the woman’s red earlobe. “I know I told you we could stop, and we can, but it seems like you still want to—"</p><p>"Hey, it’s okay,” Alex interrupted her, flipping herself so that she lied on her back, her eyes meeting Olivia’s for the first time since she’d put her head on the pillow. “If you ask me anything I don't want to answer,” she said, pain vibrating through her as got herself comfortable, “I won't answer. I’m completely here now."</p><p>Benson nodded. As much as she wanted to end the conversation of the past few days in order to avoid another potential trigger, that course would not be productive in the long run. "You said at the camp, you were fifteen. That's thirteen years ago. Depending on the crime—"</p><p>The prosecutor knew where Olivia was trying to go. If the statute clock hadn’t started ticking until Alex reached the age of majority, there was a possibility time had not run out to begin an investigation. But drill sergeant or no drill sergeant, Alex didn’t have the energy to entertain the thought. "I'm not interested in pondering what Tammy could be charged with, nor whether my being a child at the time has extended the statute of limitations. Liv, you know I appreciate your dedication, but I just can't."</p><p>“I guess it’s just my instinct to help.”</p><p>The blonde reached up with her hand and allowed the tip of her pointer finger to travel over the length of Olivia’s nose, the tender touch causing the older woman to close her eyes and hum." It's not your job to fix me, Liv."</p><p>"You're right.” Olivia claimed Alex’s hand in hers, squeezing it before pressing a lingering kiss to the knuckles. “It's not my job to fix you. But it's my job to love you, and I'd like to be by your side as you work through everything. Would you be comfortable with that, sweetheart?"</p><p>As long as she didn’t leave, Cabot would accept whatever role Liv wanted to play. "Yeah, sweetie, I'm just not sure where to go from here."</p><p> "Would you consider therapy? Learn some healthy coping mechanisms and some effective communication techniques."</p><p>"That feels impossible, but...” Alex sighed. Months ago, kissing Olivia felt impossible. A week ago, disclosing felt impossible. Yesterday, Liv helping to pull her out of a flashback felt impossible. Just because it felt impossible didn’t mean it was. “It's probably a good idea.” A whisper of the word “run” echoed in her ear, her drill sergeant, weakened and quieted, still trying to affect her in some way. She’d spent her whole life running away from something. She didn’t want to run anymore.</p><p>Olivia’s gentle eyes bore into her soul and whispered “stay.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you all for reading. I’m starting school and work again now, so updates are about to slow down. So I appreciate your patience and your kind words are powerful motivators! The story will start picking up a bit in the next chapter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 16! Just FYI, as you read—“limine” is pronounced LIM-in-AY.<br/>Trigger warning for a conversation about triggers.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 16</p><p>As summer drew to a close, a calm settled over both women. Things settled down some, and they no longer felt the need to discuss Alex’s past every day. When something came up for the attorney, she—for the most part—wasn’t afraid to acknowledge it, and she and Olivia sat down to have a conversation when needed. </p><p>Gradually, they became more physically intimate, as Alex’s longing to be close to the brunette was at the very least matched by Olivia’s. It went unsaid for the time being, but the detective was adamant that they go nowhere near as far as they had the night before the younger woman first disclosed. Cabot—also wordlessly—agreed to these expectations; the last thing she wanted was to make Liv think she’d taken advantage of the survivor again. Because that was not what had happened, and Alex would never stop reminding her of that.</p><p> Olivia used her key to enter Alex’s penthouse, but not before calling out to her in order to ensure the blonde knew she’d arrived. “Hey, beautiful,” she greeted with a smile as she approached the ADA as she sat at her desktop computer, pecking her lips tenderly.</p><p>Alex smiled into the kiss, reaching up to cradle her girlfriend’s cheek as she rested her forehead against Benson’s. "Hey, sweetie."</p><p>"What are you up to?" she asked after a moment, looking at the screen in front of the other woman as she turned back towards what she was working on.</p><p>"Oh,” she said, her fingers once again finding her keyboard as she expertly began typing while simultaneously conversing with Olivia, “just writing a motion in limine."</p><p>Liv knelt down next to her, so that she would be at eye level if the lawyer turned to face her. “For what?”</p><p>Alex paused for a moment. “This Holmes guy is beginning to look like a serial, right? You said three other victims came forward?”</p><p>The cop nodded, curious about what the woman she loved had up her sleeve. “Yeah, but they’re all outside the statute of limitations.”</p><p>She bobbed her head, a mischievous grin forming on her lips. “Which is why—”</p><p>“Which is why you’re filing the motion in limine,” Olivia finished, realization settling over her features, “to ensure that the earlier victims can testify.”</p><p>Alex was proud of her girlfriend’s ability to meet her sometimes less-than-linear thought processes halfway. “Right. No way is Granger going to allow me to admit prior bad acts without explicit prior permission from the trial judge. I’d rather hash it out in judge’s chambers than in front of the jury. It won’t be easy, but I think I can win. The other victims establish a clear pattern.” She grimaced as she registered a dull ache in her neck and upper back, rolling her shoulders repeatedly for a few moments as she turned back towards her document.</p><p>“There’s still some time before the trial starts.” Olivia stood up, noticing the telltale signs that Alex was stressed out as the blonde pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’m sure it can wait.”</p><p>“No, it can’t,” she insisted, Olivia’s attempt to placate the woman causing her to become even more anxious. “C’mon, Liv, you don’t think Granger will file an exclusionary motion as soon as he catches wind of the other victims?” The older woman shrugged, but she knew Alex was right. Olivia couldn’t recall the last time she’d won an argument. Though that might partially have been because the moment piercing blue eyes challenged her, she was always reduced to putty in her girlfriend’s hands. Liv had never been affected by a woman she was dating in this way. Alex was powerful, and the beauty in it was breathtaking. “We still have the upper hand here, and I’d like to fulfill my ethical obligation to disclose potential evidence to the defense in a timely manner, but I don’t want to do it without the little blue tri-fold.”</p><p>Olivia figured the prosecutor might be comforted by a vote of confidence. “I think I finally understand why your conviction rate is so high.”</p><p>Cabot tried to conceal the involuntary smirk that momentarily turned the corner of her lips upwards as she gave a swift nod and continued to type her motion. “It’s all about anticipating the opposing party’s moves before they make them.” She thought for a few seconds as she slowed her typing. “It’s actually a pretty useful life skill, in and out of the courtroom.”</p><p>The brunette knew that the first twenty-eight years of the woman’s life had been less than pleasant, to put it lightly, but it was always a punch in the gut to hear her make statements like the one she’d just made. Alex had—in some way—always been a hunted animal, and when she was a child, her ability to meet the burden of proof did nothing to persuade the people that surrounded her. The truth wasn’t even enough for those who were supposed to love her. Alex was just used to going into every situation expecting to be on alert the whole time. She’d said that she’d been running away from something for her entire life, but Olivia knew that Alex’s propensity was often times to fight, and especially in preparation for a trial, being on the offense and anticipating defense counsel’s next steps came as naturally to her as breathing should have, not that the essential activity to sustain life came incredibly naturally to Alex. </p><p>As her shoulders rose and fell in time with her agitated breaths (Olivia always knew when she’d reached the most important points of whatever she was writing), a few barely audible whimpers escaped her throat without the blonde’s consent. She’d been trying to maintain honesty, knowing logically that trust was an important aspect of relationships, but she couldn’t bring herself to always reveal to Olivia how much pain she was actually in.</p><p>Liv’s eyebrows rose as she watched her girlfriend struggle to remain stone-faced. "Are you hurting, love?"</p><p>On her next exhale, Alex sighed audibly, once again attempting to find a more comfortable position. "Yeah,” she eventually confessed, her eyes glued to the screen as her fingertips accelerated against the keyboard, “and typing at this computer isn't helping."</p><p>Benson moved cautiously to stand behind her girlfriend, watching her body language for signs that she wasn’t comfortable. Alex usually hated having her back turned to people. It wasn’t a rational fear; no one had ever attacked her from behind, but she wanted to be able to anticipate her opponent’s moves, and she couldn’t do that if she couldn’t see them. Olivia was different, she reminded herself. She wasn’t her opponent, and the attorney was generally okay with the brunette rubbing her shoulders in this way. “Can I?” she asked softly, letting her hands rest lightly over Alex’s sleeves. </p><p>Knowing Liv couldn’t see her, the younger woman had to respond verbally. “Yeah,” she said, deciding later to amend her statement. “Please.” Olivia didn’t just want to know what was okay, she wanted to know what Alex actively wanted, and the blonde was just now beginning to understand the difference. Cabot wanted her girlfriend’s steadying touch as she worked, she wanted to be reminded that she was worthy of care, and she wanted the relaxation that came with Olivia’s comforting ministrations.</p><p>“That feels good,” she sighed after about a minute, her entire body melting into the touch. It was strange to her to feel so powerless and still so safe. “Thank you,” she whispered.</p><p>“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” Olivia replied, leaning down to press her lips to the crown of Alex’s head. She continued her massage for a few more minutes, eventually pausing her movements when the other woman’s body once again went rigid as she typed. "I feel you not breathing."</p><p>The ADA grimaced. "Sorry."</p><p>"No worries. Just wanted to remind you,” Liv promised, giving her girlfriend’s shoulders one last squeeze and then walking around to face her again. “When you called earlier, you said you wanted to talk?"</p><p> "Yeah,” she responded, remembering that she had indeed told the brunette she wanted to talk. “I want to give you my undivided attention, so let me just finish this train of thought, and then I’m all yours, babe.”</p><p>Olivia nodded. “I’ll brew us some tea,” she offered, walking into the kitchen.</p><p>“How was work?” Alex called to her, the small distraction of casual chit-chat somehow helping her relax into the words she was searching for as she crafted her inclusionary motion in limine. “I feel like with trial preparations for O’Doherty and Holmes, I haven’t spent much time in the precinct.”</p><p>“Things are good at the precinct. Mostly paperwork.” After she’d put up a kettle to boil, she returned to Alex’s computer room. Her penthouse was rather large, especially from the inside, and she didn’t want to finish her statement from a distance. “Sweetie, the last thing I want is to add to your stress. I don’t mean to interrupt your work if now isn’t a good time.”</p><p>“No, you’re fine,” the attorney promised seriously, reaching out to squeeze Liv’s bicep. “I’m always happy to see your face, Liv, and besides, I invited you over. I can take a break as long as I finish this later tonight. I’m meeting with Granger in the morning.” </p><p>“Okay,” Benson acquiesced gently, starting to trust Alex to effectively communicate her boundaries. She reached out to squeeze the blonde’s arm in return. “When you’re ready, go sit on the couch. I’ll bring the tea.”</p><p>The younger of the two nodded. “I’m just going to write like—” she glanced at her computer. “—like two more sentences, and then I’ll be ready, honey, okay?”</p><p>Olivia smiled, leaning down to kiss her girlfriend’s temple, something she noticed Alex lean in to. It wasn’t the kind of progress that Alex would be satisfied with, but Liv was proud beyond words of the work the blonde was doing to improve her life day in and day out. “Sounds good.” She sauntered back into the kitchen after slipping off her shoes. The cop always preferred to be barefoot if possible. It helped her connect to the present moment. She was a little nervous about why Alex had invited her over to talk. She wasn’t one to declare something like that in an interpersonal setting. Confrontation was more than okay as she interrogated a perp or negotiated a deal with a defense attorney, but Cabot didn’t have much experience—or confidence—when it came to announcing the need for an important conversation.</p><p>So maybe Olivia was just overthinking it, and Alex had wanted to talk about something casual. But Liv had a feeling she had a deeper understanding of her girlfriend than anyone else had ever possessed—and it was her desire to truly know the younger woman that accomplished this—and she could tell upon the sight of Cabot anxiously twiddling her thumbs on the couch that the topic would be serious.

“Hey,” Benson said softly to get her attention, handing off her mug of tea, “this is me reminding you to breathe.” Alex chuckled anxiously at the gentle coaxing, realizing that Liv had been right—she wasn’t breathing. “Whatever it is,” the older woman began, sitting down next to her girlfriend and clapping a hand over one of her knees carefully, “it’s okay. I want to hear what’s on your mind.”</p><p>“So, I’ve been thinking,” the blonde admitted, looking more embarrassed than was probably appropriate for the situation.</p><p>“Yeah?” Benson encouraged her to continue, letting her hand move in circles over the other woman’s kneecap.</p><p>“Maybe I'd be more comfortable going to therapy if you went too.” Olivia tipped her head to the side curiously, nodding for Alex to continue. “I see the guilt in your eyes when your gaze lingers a little longer than you think is appropriate. I see you second guess comforting me. I know I'm pale, but I'm not actually made of porcelain." She laughed her first genuine laugh of the evening, and Liv smiled in response, sipping her tea and shifting closer to her on the couch. Alex recognized the brunette’s maladaptive behaviors in the same way that Olivia recognized hers, and in acknowledging that reality, the ADA was also able to remind Liv that she felt safe with her, that she wanted to be looked at, comforted, touched—at least within reason. "I don't want you to think it's your fault when I get triggered,” she continued, leaning her head against the older woman’s shoulder. They hadn’t discussed this subject in a few weeks, but it was clear Alex had been ruminating over it for a while. “My drill sergeant is very particular. And the people who hurt me said a lot of things. You make me feel safe despite their words,” she assured, lifting her head to meet emotional chocolate orbs. “Most importantly though, I think you need a safe space to process what all this means for you. And I doubt you've sought help for your own trauma. You didn't exactly have a happy childhood."</p><p>Olivia sighed, a touch of frustration lingering in her subconscious mind. "Please don't compare your childhood to mine."</p><p>"I'm not comparing,” she counterargued. “That's exactly my point, Olivia. Separate from my childhood, yours was traumatic, and it colored your perspective about sex and relationships. In a different way than mine, sure, but it was just as harmful, and you are just as deserving of help."</p><p>Liv always knew she wasn’t going to win. And because she’d decided as a general rule that rebutting the things Alex said wouldn’t get her very far, it became easier to simply listen to her words, and man, was the woman convincing. Her superpower was getting people on the same page as her. "Has anyone ever told you you'd make a fantastic lawyer?"</p><p>"I actually did some research,” Alex explained with an amused smile, satisfied that she’d at least planted a seed, “and I found a relationship therapist who specializes in sex and trauma. Her name is Kimani Washington. She sees couples."</p><p>The detective placed her mug of tea on the ground in front of them, wanting to use the hand that was currently occupied to gingerly cup her girlfriend’s cheek. Her days were often spent in awe of the woman she’d been lucky enough to fall in love with. Alex had merely survived for so long, and her desire to finally live was something to behold. "You'd be comfortable with that?"</p><p>"No,” she admitted, eyes downcast. “But I'd be willing to try."</p><p>"Trying is a great first step, especially if you're not sure you're quite ready to do." Alex nodded, but she turned her face away from Olivia’s. She blinked hard a few times and seemed to shrug off the brunette’s hand. "You okay?"</p><p>Alex swallowed hard, still avoiding eye contact as she consciously took several slow breaths. "Yeah."</p><p>The older woman scooted back into the corner of the couch, wanting to give the blonde some space as she realized that something had triggered her. Benson prepared herself for the conversation that would follow, repeating in her mind Alex’s sure statement that it was never her fault when this happened. "What did I say?"</p><p>The attorney took one last shaky breath, imploring herself to look up, to search loving, soft eyes, knowing she’d find nothing even remotely resembling abuse, manipulation, lust, power. "Trying vs. Doing."</p><p>“Okay,” Olivia sighed, keeping her voice quiet. "Can you elaborate for me, love?"</p><p>"The camp...it was for 'problem' children,” she started, feeling the heat in her ears begin to cool some and the heavy feeling gluing her body in place begin to dissipate. She rolled her shoulders once, twice, three times in order to prove to herself that she had space, she had power, she had safety. “The environment itself wasn't abusive, I promise,” she swore, knowing it was at least true in the literal sense, her cloudy blues clearing as they locked onto Olivia’s eyes, “but the expectations were high. 'There is no try, only do' was the motto. Tammy really liked the phrase. Used it to teach me how to be obedient. The thought of trying therapy, instead of just doing it, made me anxious, especially when I heard myself say it out loud,” she thought through her own experience, putting it into words for the woman who stared through her with extraordinary tenderness. “I'm okay though. And I think it's okay to start with trying since I can't commit to much else yet.” She stopped once she registered the strange look on the other woman’s face. “Why are you smiling?"</p><p>"You stopped your panic mid-trigger,” she observed, pride overwhelming her. This was tangible progress and Alex registered it with a soft smile. “I saw your eyes—you left, but just for a second."</p><p>"I know you'd never ridicule me for something like that, something like not being able to commit to therapy yet. I didn’t even question it once I could process that I’m still here with you,” she said, nodding at herself, validating the feat. “It's almost as if my drill sergeant is changing his script."</p><p>Pretty soon, the conversation turned to more pleasant topics. Alex had pledged to make a first appointment with the therapist once Olivia had enthusiastically agreed to go with her girlfriend. They chatted lightheartedly for a few more minutes afterwards, the brunette eventually announcing that she was going to head out so the prosecutor could finish writing her motion, but not before kissing the other woman soundly, grateful for the progress they’d made and would continue to make with the help of a professional.</p><p>Later that week, Alex's office phone rang.  "Hey, Liv."</p><p>"Hey." </p><p>Her voice sounded serious, concerning the younger woman as she took the phone off speaker. No one was in ear shot, but she felt as if the conversation was deserving of the utmost level of privacy. "You okay, honey?"</p><p>"Yeah, love. I didn’t mean to scare you,” she said, her voice still somber. "We got a new case, and I wanted you to hear it from me first."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"A twelve-year-old boy just accused his priest of sexual assault."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thanks for reading! I would appreciate if you left a comment, so I know who is reading. I love it when I recognize names.  I have this story outlined, but I’m always open to changing things, so feel free to send in your thoughts, ideas, opinions, predictions, etc. Stay safe everyone!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud. <br/>Here is Chapter 17! An introduction to the new case. <br/>Trigger warnings related to an SVU case, including a victim’s disclosure and statement.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>Chapter 17</p>
<p>“Bryson Mills, age twelve,” Fin told Alex as she approached the observation window, handing her a file. “Liv’s been in there with him for a while. Gave her his statement this morning, right before she called you. I’ve been hangin’ out with him. He’s a good kid.”</p>
<p>“Has he been to the hospital for a rape kit?”</p>
<p>“No, not yet,” the detective told Alex, shaking his head. “Liv said you’d want to hear his story, and the kit will take a few hours, so it’s easier to do it this way.”</p>
<p>Cabot nodded. “Okay. I’m going to go in. Do you guys need a warrant first? DNA? Search?”</p>
<p>“Not yet. Honestly, Alex,” Fin said, disappointment lacing his voice, “we don’t have much right now, so anything more you can get out of him….”</p>
<p>“Got it.” The brunette turned around when she heard the door of the interview room open and shut. “Hi, Bryson. My name is Alex.”</p>
<p>“Hi,” the boy said shyly, glancing at Olivia to ensure it was okay for him to talk to her. The older woman gave him a smile and a nod. “Are you a cop, too?”</p>
<p>“No,” Alex said softly, sitting in the spare chair next to her girlfriend and holding the file in her lap, “I’m an Assistant District Attorney. Do you know what that is?”</p>
<p>“Are you a lawyer?”</p>
<p>“Yes, I am,” she confirmed.</p>
<p>The child looked down at his fidgeting fingers. “Are you…his lawyer?” He had some idea of how criminal trials worked—he’d seen some on TV shows, but he didn’t know how to tell who were the good guys and who were the bad guys.</p>
<p>“No, Bryson.” She reached out her hand on the table not to touch the boy, but to get him to look up. “I represent the people of the state of New York, and more specifically in this case, I represent you. I’m here to fight for justice for you. But I’m going to need your help, okay?”</p>
<p>He sighed shakily. “You need me to tell you what happened? I already told her this morning, and I’ve been talking to the other detective too.”</p>
<p>Alex turned to Olivia. “Fin,” she supplied, and the blonde nodded, having had already spoken to him.</p>
<p>“Yeah. He was nice,” the twelve-year-old decided. “Do I have to tell you again?”</p>
<p>The ADA hated this part. Many times, survivors thought that once they’d disclosed, their job was over, but Alex knew and often had to tell her witnesses that really, the official statement to the police just <br/>started the process. She couldn’t imagine how she would have taken it if her fragile eleven-year-old self had been made to testify against Pastor Paul in open court. “So, Bryson, if we’re going to send Father D’Agostino to jail, I’m going to need you to tell it a few more times.”</p>
<p>He blanched. “Oh.”</p>
<p>“I know that’s scary,” the detective acknowledged gently. It had been a while since they’d dealt with young children, and it felt like they entered a learning curve every time. “But Alex and I already believe you. You still need to practice—”</p>
<p>“So the jury believes me too.”</p>
<p>Alex was relieved that the little boy seemed to understand criminal trials at least somewhat, and she’d be happy to teach him the rest when the time came. “Bryson, I know this isn’t fair, and you shouldn’t have to prove that he hurt you. I wish there was another way, but there isn’t. So, we’re going to go slow today, and if you need to take breaks, then that’s okay. I can tell you though, from personal experience, that the more you talk about it, the easier it gets. Okay?”</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>“Do you want some water before we start?” Liv asked, causing Alex to look over at her. Why was she offering water to a victim before he went to the hospital? Clearly, the brunette had the details of the assault already, and she knew Bryson drinking something wouldn’t cause a problem. “We can also get your mom if you want. Is she still here?”</p>
<p>“I kinda want to get it over with. My mom is embarrassed about everything, and she had to go to work. Does she have to be here?”</p>
<p>“No, she doesn’t,” Alex assured him. Moms were hard. She assumed Catholic moms were harder. “You aren’t in trouble, so we don’t need her permission to talk to you. Are you ready to begin?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>Olivia prepared herself to take some notes in case this time the story differed from Bryson’s earlier statement, but Alex gave all her attention to the child, offering him a comforting smile. “Can you start with what happened when you first arrived at the church?”</p>
<p>“My mom, um, my mom dropped me off last night and told me to call when I was done. I went inside and Father D’Agostino was waiting for me. I sat down and began to talk. Do you know how confession works?” Alex nodded. “Well, I confessed about spray painting the inside of the chapel with a few of my friends. Father listened and eventually, he told me it was time for penance. I thought he was gonna make me clean up the chapel, maybe volunteer, but he didn’t.”</p>
<p>“What happened next, Bryson?” Liv asked softly. She’d heard this story before, but she wanted to help keep him comfortable since they already had some rapport, and she also wanted to remind Alex that she wasn’t alone. She didn’t know the circumstances of her rape, but she imagined the idea of a child being alone with a religious figure could be enough to trigger her.</p>
<p>“We were face to face,” the boy continued, trying to slow his breathing as his heart hammered in his chest. “He got really close to me and said he had an idea. He told me to take off my pants and pull down my underwear. I thought maybe he was going to spank me. I wasn’t sure what was going on until he touched me.”</p>
<p>“Bryson, I know this is hard,” Alex said softly, “but we need to hear exactly where he touched you and how. This is a safe space. No one is going to judge you for this.” She hoped she was telling the boy the truth.</p>
<p>“With his hand…on my—” He cut himself off.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Alex told him with an encouraging nod. “Take your time.”</p>
<p>“He put his hand on my penis, and he moved it…up and down.” Bryson blinked back tears, not wanting to appear weak. “He kept…doing it until I…until, you know.” He fidgeted in his seat, looking up at Olivia. “Can I have that water now?”</p>
<p>“Of course. I’ll go get it. Keep talking to ADA Cabot, bud. I’ll be back in a minute.”</p>
<p>"He said it was like rebirth, like baptism." Alex nodded, nausea working its way through her body. She took a deep breath, reminding herself that she was safe, and it was her responsibility to help the child sitting in front of her. “I’m not gay,” he continued, his nose scrunching up in disgust. “I didn’t…like it.”</p>
<p>“No one is accusing you of either of those things, honey,” the attorney promised, deciding to add to the statement. She figured Bryson might need to hear more than that. “And even if either of them—or both of them—were true, it doesn’t change the fact that Father D’Agostino committed a crime. What he did was illegal, and it wasn’t your fault. Okay?”</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>Once he looked significantly calmer, Alex cleared her throat. “Is there anything else you can tell us about what happened?”</p>
<p>“Not really. He uh, let me leave after…. I know Father used to film confession. Maybe there’s a video,” he thought aloud, thinking back to the cop shows he wasn’t allowed to watch.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Bryson. This is really helpful, sweetie.”</p>
<p>Olivia knocked on the door to the interview room then, having had stood outside to observe for a minute or so. She entered with Fin and handed Bryson his water before gesturing for Alex to follow her out and leading her into a more private area. “Fin is going to take him to the hospital. Can you get us a search warrant for the confession tape?”</p>
<p>She nodded. “Absolutely. Hopefully, someone other than Petrovsky is available at the courthouse.”</p>
<p>Olivia furrowed her brow. “Is she still giving you a hard time?”</p>
<p>“I doubt she’d sign a warrant for me on a shaky ‘he said/priest said’.”</p>
<p>Though she appreciated the clever turn of phrase, Benson was more concerned with another word her girlfriend had used. “You think Bryson’s story is shaky?”</p>
<p>The younger woman worried her lower lip, sighing. “A twelve-year-old accusing a respected pillar of the community with no priors of a sex crime is automatically shaky, Liv, as much as I hate to say it. Been <br/>there, done that. I’ll get you your warrant though. You’ll have it by the time you arrive at the church.”</p>
<p>The brunette accepted that response, reaching out quickly to squeeze the other woman’s hand after ensuring no one would see the affectionate gesture. “Meet back here after?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” She turned to head out of the precinct. </p>
<p>“Hey, Al?” she heard called softly from behind her.</p>
<p>The prosecutor pivoted on her feet, turning back to face the detective’s thoughtful orbs. “Yeah?”</p>
<p>“With Bryson—you were amazing with him.”</p>
<p>“Oh, thank you,” she replied, blushing. “I guess I just…knew what I needed when I was in his position.”</p>
<p>A couple hours later, Olivia entered a conference room where Alex was alone, rewinding and re-watching multiple confession tapes. She kept her eyes on the TV, but she spoke up when the door closed behind the detective. “Liv, this guy is a serial. He has to be. He’s too exacting.”</p>
<p>“Al.”</p>
<p>“There’s nothing in these videos but the beginning of confessions,” she lamented, hating when she went through the trouble of getting a search warrant and then found nothing. “He deliberately turned off <br/>the camera and possibly edited the footage. But I can’t prove that. All this proves is Bryson and some other boys went to confession in the past few days.”</p>
<p>“Al.”</p>
<p>Cabot looked up, her intrigue piqued at the tone of her girlfriend’s voice. “What?”</p>
<p>“Two more boys just walked into the precinct. Do you want to take their statements with me, and then we’ll meet Fin at the hospital?”</p>
<p>Olivia’s words felt like a punch in the gut, but she knew the other woman would notice if she let it show even a little bit. “Uh…” she thought, attempting to sound nonchalant.</p>
<p>“Up to you,” the older woman stressed, concern growing within her at the uneasy look on the ADA’s face. “I thought maybe you’d like to compare their statements with Bryson’s.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, let’s do that.” Alex walked briskly towards the door, but before she could pass her, Liv caught her carefully by the arm.</p>
<p>“If you need to take a step back…” she advised slowly, sliding her hand gingerly over her elbow and down her wrist, interlacing their fingers together.</p>
<p>Alex appreciated the grounding contact, but she couldn’t afford to be seen as incompetent right now. She’d handled cases like this before. She could do it again. She gratefully squeezed Olivia’s hand before pulling away from the touch, remaining close so she could whisper. The attorney didn’t want to risk anyone hearing their conversation, even if she was aware that they were alone together. “Liv, please don’t question my ability to do my job. Six months ago, saying that wouldn’t have even occurred to you.”</p>
<p>“Six months ago, I didn’t know what I know now,” Benson countered softly, keeping her voice as quiet as Alex’s so as not to induce more anxiety in the woman whose breathing was now audible. “I’m not questioning your ability to do your job, love. Not at all. But I can’t promise not to worry, and I’m just reminding you to take care of yourself, to respect your own boundaries. That’s all. I’m not trying to stop you from prosecuting this case.”</p>
<p>“I know, Olivia,” she conceded, her lip quivering so inconspicuously that it was barely noticeable. “I’m just…this is my first big case since my suspension, and it…I’d be lying if I tried to claim it didn’t hit close to home.”</p>
<p>The brunette nodded, bringing her hand up to Alex’s waist. The curtains were drawn in the room and both women knew they had privacy. She squeezed lightly, pressing her forehead to her girlfriend’s, smiling softly when the lawyer let out a relieved sigh. “As long as you can recognize that and acknowledge when you may be burning out, we’re good.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, okay.” Alex placed her hand over Olivia’s. “I’m alright, I promise.”</p>
<p>“Let’s go then.”</p>
<p>Elliot met them outside a pair of interview rooms. “Tommy Jiang and Dominic Pizzolo, both twelve. Both also caught spray painting the chapel. I didn’t get the details yet. I’ll take Dominic if you want to take Tommy. He seems more nervous than the other boy.”</p>
<p>They split up, Alex and Olivia finishing their interview first and knocking on the one way mirror of the room Elliot was in. The man exited the room slowly, closing the door behind him. “Dominic said the Father claimed it was ‘like rebirth’,” he recounted, anger overwhelming him.</p>
<p>“Like baptism?” Alex asked, sharing a look with Olivia.</p>
<p>“Yeah. He said that too.”</p>
<p>“All three boys’ stories are consistent,” Benson pointed out, deferring to her girlfriend. “What do you think?”</p>
<p>“I think it’s time to pick D’Agostino up,” Alex announced, turning to Elliot. “Can you send Munch and Fin so that Liv and I can take the boys to the hospital? I doubt there will be much evidence, but it’s possible they aren’t telling us the whole story.”</p>
<p>Stabler bobbed his head up and down. “And I’ll update Cragen.”</p>
<p>“Sounds like a plan,” Cabot sighed. Maybe there was hope for this case after all.</p>
<p>Alex stood up several hours later as a man she recognized as an ER physician exited the last of the three exam rooms. "Doctor Currier?" He nodded and both women flashed their badges. “Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot and Special Victims Unit Detective Olivia Benson. You examined our three vics?”</p>
<p>The doctor nodded solemnly. "There's no physical evidence of sexual assault on any of the three boys."</p>
<p>For some reason, the attorney was still holding out hope that there would be something to find. "What?" </p>
<p>"There's no evidence of anal penetration,” he explained, this time being more specific, “and no traces of semen to prove oral penetration."</p>
<p>"The boys didn't say they were raped. They said they were assaulted, forcibly touched. The first boy, Bryson, was assaulted last night.” Alex thought for a moment, grasping at straws. “Can you prove recent ejaculation?" </p>
<p>"With all due respect, counselor, these boys are twelve-years-old."</p>
<p>Alex crossed her arms over her chest. "So?"</p>
<p>“Have you ever met a twelve-year-old boy?” Alex just stared at him for an extended moment. Dr. Currier raised both of his eyebrows, not wanting to have to spell it out. "Do you really think recent ejaculation proves sexual assault?"</p>
<p>Olivia stepped forward. "Okay. Do you have anything that can help us?"</p>
<p>"I don't think so.” The man, though frustrated, did look genuinely regretful. “I'm sorry."</p>
<p>After he’d walked away, the detective turned to her girlfriend. “What do you want to do now, Al?”</p>
<p>The younger woman grit her teeth, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I think it’s past time the Father confess his sins.”</p>
<p>When Alex and Olivia returned to the precinct, Munch directed them towards where D’Agostino was being held. “Kressler? Really?” the prosecutor asked Elliot, tempted by a frustrated groan.</p>
<p>“The Church has money,” the detective commented as Olivia joined them in the observation area, handing the blonde a file.</p>
<p>“Yeah, probably set aside specifically for this,” she griped sarcastically before knocking on the door and entering the interview room.</p>
<p>“She got something against priests?” Stabler asked his partner before she could open the door.</p>
<p>Her fingers tensed around the door handle, and she turned to the man, her lips pressed into a thin line. She had enough to deal with today. “El, just shhh, and observe.”</p>
<p>“I am observing. She seems to like asking questions a lot more than she likes answering them,” he said with a self-satisfied smile, gauging the other detective’s reaction.</p>
<p>“Elliot, that’s none of your business,” Olivia chastised, wanting to get this interview over with, so she could go home and wrap her arms around Alex, helping her to feel safe for as long as she needed. And probably take a long shower. </p>
<p>“Olivia, you’re my business,” Stabler huffed. “I just don’t get why you’re so obsessed with the Ice Princess.”</p>
<p>“Stay in your lane, El,” she retorted, suddenly becoming extremely angry and jabbing her pointer finger into his chest. “If something happens here, it’s your business. Alex is more than capable of doing her job, and I’m more than capable of interrogating a suspect with her. What happens outside of this precinct doesn’t concern you. I don’t need a babysitter.”</p>
<p>He knew he’d taken it too far. He sighed, wiping his hand over his mouth. “I just worry.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Olivia replied, preparing to direct her frustration towards the men sitting in the interrogation room. “Don’t.” She gestured towards the door. “Can I do my job now, or do I need a permission slip from my husband?”</p>
<p>“Liv…I….” He didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry. Okay? I know Alex is none of my business.”</p>
<p>“All I’ll say, El,” Benson eventually whispered, knowing the man next to her was her friend, though sometimes he had a weirdly abrasive way of showing it, “and only because she’s given me permission to share as needed, is Alex Cabot is more competent than some people who’ve been through much less, and she is the most incredible woman I’ve ever known. I won’t stand for abusive language or rumors about her.” She breathed in deeply, calming herself. “Clear?”</p>
<p>“Crystal.” </p>
<p>He gave her a swift nod, and she entered the room, Alex’s mere presence slowing her heartbeat. She didn’t deserve the words that went around the DA’s office and precinct concerning her. She never felt safe, so if anything, the “Ice Princess” persona was yet another protective mechanism that her drill sergeant forced on her. In the moments she shared with Olivia, the younger woman melted almost entirely, and her pure—and warm—heart made itself known. But as the older woman sat down next to her and across from Roger Kressler, she noted that the ADA was all ice. “Why did you shut the security camera off?” she questioned coldly.</p>
<p>Kressler placed his hand on the priest’s shoulder. “Father, I’m reminding you that you don’t have to talk to them.”</p>
<p>"Please, son,” he beseeched, encouraging the defense attorney to lean back in his chair. “I have nothing to hide. Do you go to church, Miss Cabot? Have you ever been to confession?" </p>
<p>She stared stoically through their suspect. "I'm not Catholic."</p>
<p>He smiled. "Presbyterian, then?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Lutheran," he guessed.</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>He clicked his tongue, assuming he’d come to the correct conclusion. "Church of Christ." </p>
<p>"Father,” Olivia said to direct the man’s attention away from Alex, “we're not here to talk about the DA's religious affiliation. We're here to talk about you and what you did to these boys."</p>
<p>"All I did,” he claimed, eyeing Alex, “is offer God's forgiveness for their sins."</p>
<p>"Does God's forgiveness require them to get on their knees?" The attorney knew that this particular act wasn’t included in the accusations, but the words flowed so naturally out of her mouth, she couldn’t stop herself from spitting them at the hypocritical predator. </p>
<p>“We do pray during confession, Ms. Cabot. Look, I turn off the camera so they have privacy, confidentiality. They shouldn’t fear coming to God’s House.”</p>
<p>“But they do,” the prosecutor observed. “Why do you think that is?”</p>
<p>“They’re troubled,” he surmised with a dismissive shrug. “Dominic. Bryson. Tommy. Some of the others. It’s not easy admitting your sins before God.”</p>
<p>“And you would know?”</p>
<p>Kressler rolled his eyes at the dramatics. “Counselor, is your office charging my client, or can we go? He has mass this evening.”</p>
<p>“I hope you have a substitute priest, Father. We are absolutely charging your client, Mr. Kressler. Three counts of sexual abuse in the first degree. Start praying you get a Catholic judge because you could be staring down the barrel of twenty years for what you did to those boys.” Cabot knew the chances of the perfect storm of a conviction and both maximum and consecutive sentencing were slim to none. Still, she had her famous poker face on her side.</p>
<p>“There’s no way you have enough evidence to meet the burden of proof for felony sex abuse. C’mon, Alex,” he appealed wryly. </p>
<p>“By trial, the people will definitely meet our burden.”</p>
<p>Though he didn’t see enough hard evidence for the prosecutor to achieve a conviction, Kressler knew Alex was a formidable opponent, and she could very well have had some tricks up her sleeve. “How about a deal?” he proffered after a moment. “Sexual abuse in the third degree. He does a year probation and he doesn’t register.”</p>
<p>Liv looked at the woman she loved in absolute awe. The priest’s questioning earlier may have rattled her, but she’d quickly recomposed herself, now doing what she was so unfathomably good at. If Olivia didn’t know how much she was probably struggling sitting so close to Father D’Agostino, she might have seen the exchange between the ADA and Kressler as unbelievably sexy. She was able to keep her attraction to the brilliant attorney to a low hum though, raw pride dominating the ill-advised desire. “No way am I pleading him down to a class B misdemeanor after what he put those children through.” </p>
<p>“Allegedly put those children through, Ms. Cabot.” Kressler leaned back into his seat, crossing his arms. “Allegedly,” he repeated.</p>
<p>“Registering is non-negotiable. Sex abuse two. He does one year for each count, consecutively. Final offer.” She stood up, hating the idea of this deal. But Kressler had a point about the people meeting their burden of proof. Alex wasn’t sure she could do it for sex abuse one. And three years was better than the zero D’Agostino would get if he were acquitted, she begrudgingly accepted as her heart stalled at the compromise she wasn’t sure she was willing to make. “Detective Benson and I will step out and give you five minutes to discuss this with your client. Afterwards, deal’s off the table.”</p>
<p>She led Olivia to the door, the brunette giving the priest one last disgusted look. She’d probably never have the honor of meeting Pastor Paul, but maybe throwing their current suspect’s balls in a blender would be nearly as satisfying.</p>
<p>Kressler stood up. “You’re bluffing.”</p>
<p>Alex smiled at Olivia, as if to say “watch this,” and then turned to the men who wanted to avoid sitting at the defense table. “You’re welcome to take that risk.”</p>
<p>“You’re ridiculous,” Kressler shot back.</p>
<p>“You’re making a mistake.” For a moment, she thought she had the other attorney right where she wanted him, but the small smirk playing on his lips told her otherwise. Had she lost her touch? Or was this <br/>case a sure win for Kressler? Was she blinded by her own investment in those kids?</p>
<p>“Unless you disclose mountains of evidence during discovery that I’m not yet aware of,” he said, walking around the table and approaching Alex, “I see this case being dismissed before Halloween.” The brunette’s urge was to stand protectively in between the two lawyers, but she stopped herself, knowing any perception of impropriety wouldn’t go well for the younger woman. “Or maybe the grand jury will save me the paper. And if not, we’ll take our chances at trial.”</p>
<p>That night, Olivia brought her girlfriend a glass of wine and sat next to her on her couch as she watched the sun set through Liv’s apartment window. “Hey, you really stood your ground with Kressler. I’m so proud of you, baby. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been.”</p>
<p>Cabot sighed, sipping her wine as the cop brought her fingers gently to her back, rubbing wide circles and reaching for her thigh with the other hand.  "He knows I’m posturing,” Alex surmised eventually, leaning into the pleasurable touch. “We haven’t gone head to head since Barnett. No way we meet the burden for first degree sexual abuse.  I need more, Liv. Most of what we have is circumstantial. Do we even really have any hard evidence?"</p>
<p>The detective didn’t want to just say no, so she reached up to tuck a few strands of flaxen hair behind the ADA’s ear, humming softly before cradling the back of her head and smoothing over it. "We have the videos."</p>
<p>"That end before Father D'Agostino does anything incriminating,” she provided, turning towards Olivia so that the woman’s careful palm landed on her cheek, her thumb stroking lightly.  She so appreciated the brunette’s skillful soothing gestures, but Alex knew what she was facing. She placed a grateful kiss on Benson’s cheek before resting her forehead against the soft olive skin. “I bet you the bail I won’t get that he’ll be RORed by lunchtime tomorrow. "</p>
<p>"We have the boys' testimony,” she offered, holding Cabot’s face against her cheek. “They're credible."</p>
<p>The attorney gave a sad smile, sighing shakily. "But they're boys, Liv. And they accused a priest they went to for confession because they'd been acting out. You know how sensitive this is.” Liv nodded, concurring reluctantly and wrapping her arms entirely around the woman who she could tell felt powerless in this situation. “I...just don't know if I trust a jury with it."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading and all your beautiful comments, favorites, kudos, etc. I always want to hear your thoughts!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 18—more relationship development. With my current schedule, I’ll probably be able to update once or twice a week for a while, sometimes more.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 18</p><p>Four months into their relationship, the two women decided it was long past time for them to go on their first official date. It had been two days since Father D’Agostino’s arrest and one day since he was released on his own recognizance. Alex was hoping to secure the indictment as soon as possible, and as such, had planned to present the case to a grand jury in the coming week. She was unbelievably stressed, and so Olivia wanted to get her out of the penthouse for at least a few hours, and the detective figured now was as good a time as any to take her to dinner.</p><p>Alex had seemed excited by the prospect, but the happiness only somewhat reached her eyes. The older woman could tell that she was overwhelmed with the case, and though she genuinely wanted to enjoy her time with Olivia, she couldn’t take her mind off of the implications of the trial she intended to pursue.</p><p>“Are you okay, Al?” the brunette asked after they’d sat down, a bottle of wine being delivered to them.</p><p>The ADA seemed to snap back into reality. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Sorry. I’m just tired.” She took a deep breath in, reaching for Benson’s hand, longing to connect.</p><p>Olivia nodded, smiling at the overt gesture of affection in such a public place. She joined in on Alex’s attempt to interlock their fingers. “Do you know what you want to eat?”</p><p>The attorney pulled her hand away, rubbing at her tired eyes. “Oh, shit, I totally forgot that I have to pick something. I’m a mess, Liv. I’m sorry.” Becoming used to being in control of her own life would be a process. First, her parents were in charge, which made sense to a certain degree, as she was a child. For several months, Pastor Paul was in charge, swearing her to secrecy and reminding her that God would be offended if she spoke about their “time together”. Afterwards, her parents took control again, ashamed of what their daughter had claimed happened with their beloved Pastor. Then, it was Tammy for an entire summer, and realistically it still was until the present day—“Relax your body, Alexandra. You know you want this”, “Jesus, stop crying, you whiny baby”, “There is no try, Alexandra, only do, and if you don’t do this, how am I supposed to believe you love me?”</p><p>Ever a law nerd, Alex had registered that last question as argumentative, but she didn’t yet have the confidence to object.</p><p>Olivia fought the urge to smile at Alex swearing, which she did on rare occasions, because she could see very real anxiety in her beautiful eyes. “You’re okay,” she reassured the blonde gently, reaching once again for her hand. “Take your time. This doesn’t have to be stressful.”</p><p>She surrendered her hand over to the brunette, her breath catching in her throat as she internally argued with her drill sergeant. The attorney knew she was safe with Olivia. Olivia was different. Olivia was different. Olivia was different. Why was she still so afraid of opening up? Alex loved evidence, and she sought it out in any situation where she—only once in a while—had to make decisions regarding her personal life. Olivia had met her burden of proof. Alex had never known anyone, not one person, who was less guilty than the compassionate woman sitting across from her, her eyes wide as she waited for her girlfriend to form words. “I know, I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed. This is my first…like real date ever, and I’m having so many firsts with you, it’s hard to keep up.”</p><p>“Baby, do you need to slow down? If this is to much—”</p><p>“No, I don’t need to slow down. I don’t want to either. I…just might need some time to catch up.”</p><p>Liv let her fingernails gently scratch the back of the ADA’s hand as she reestablished eye contact. “And it doesn’t help that you have two trials and a major indictment coming up, huh?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she sighed, remembering O’Doherty and Holmes. “I just wish I could focus on you tonight."</p><p>"Well,” the brunette thought aloud, “let's take a minute and work through what you’re preoccupied with. I bet these things are screaming at you to listen because you’re—understandably—trying to ignore them. What’s going on?"</p><p>Alex should have known better than to expect that the detective would hear her worries and brush them off, wanting to move on with their evening. Again, Olivia was not guilty. Olivia was different. Olivia was different, she repeated inside her mind like a mantra, willing her body to believe it. "I'm stressed with work stuff, and also I'm nervous about starting therapy in a few weeks. And of course, I want to be with you and make time for that. There's just a lot on my mind."</p><p>The waiter returned then to take their order. Alex picked the first thing she saw on the menu, though it did look good, so maybe she’d made the correct “decision.”</p><p>"What can I do to help?" Liv asked softly after the man left.</p><p>"I'm not sure."</p><p>"Can I make a suggestion?” Alex nodded, grateful for the guidance as always. She wanted a real relationship with Olivia. From the very beginning, she knew this wouldn’t be like the other women she’d “dated.” The blonde understood that if they were going to work out, she had to let Benson in. And though it was scary, it was also a relief to know that she was no longer in this fight alone. “Why don't we both go to your place tomorrow or whenever is convenient, and grab a few things so that you can stay with me while you prepare for this indictment and your other trials? I'd still like to spend some time with you if possible, even if it’s just watching you furiously type a summation, and it would be easier than commuting back and forth." She would have offered to stay at Alex’s penthouse, but Liv was more than aware that the other woman preferred the cop’s apartment for some reason.</p><p>Alex smirked, some light returning to her eyes. "I live five minutes away from you."</p><p>"Are you accusing me of being hopelessly in love, counselor?" she accused good-naturedly, squinting her eyes.</p><p>The prosecutor giggled melodiously and then she straightened her crooked smile, deciding to deadpan, Olivia’s favorite style of humor. "Oh, absolutely, and I’m not open to a deal, Detective, so you better prepare yourself for a life sentence.”</p><p>"Guilty as charged,” the older woman laughed, squeezing Alex’s hand.</p><p>After the humorous exchange had ended, the blonde exhaled audibly, smiling sweetly at the woman she loved. She loved this kind of banter, and it grounded her to the safety of the present moment.<br/>
"Tomorrow night you can meet me at my place. Sound good?"</p><p>"Yeah.” She paused for a moment, sipping her wine. “And Al?"</p><p>The lawyer tipped her head to the side in curiosity. "Mhm?"</p><p>"I'm not asking you to stay forever—unless you want to—,” she clarified gently, “and we don't even need to sleep in the same bed."</p><p>The blonde bobbed her head up and down vigorously. “I’m not sure I’m ready to commit to moving in officially. We’d have to talk about it some more, but it isn’t because I’m not sure about you.”</p><p>“I get it, sweetie. No worries.”</p><p>“I just want to make it clear that I’m not afraid of you, Olivia. I’m sort of afraid in general. But honey, I do want to stay with you,” she decided resolutely, allowing her eyes to bore into chocolate irises, “and I actually do want to sleep in the same bed. I sleep better with your arms around me.” She blushed, the last sentence coming out without proper consideration. Alex reminded herself to breathe through the embarrassment and to focus on the love being expressed on the cop’s face. </p><p>"I do too, sweetheart,” Olivia promised, squeezing the younger woman’s hand again to assure her. “I just don't want to move too fast. I don't expect--we haven't even started therapy yet."</p><p>Cabot nodded in understanding, aware of how important it was for Olivia to know she trusted her with the hard stuff and with respecting her boundaries. And she did—for the most part. And when she didn’t, she had her argument unpacked and ready to go. Olivia was different. "I know. Consider me feeling no pressure. Okay?"</p><p>Liv gave a slight smile. "Okay."</p><p>Soon their food arrived, and they chatted light-heartedly about nothing in particular as they ate. Afterwards, they shared dessert and then walked out into the warm early fall evening, and Alex decided to interlace her fingers with Olivia’s, causing the brunette to beam with pride. Something about the woman just voicing her struggles was freeing for her, and the healing was happening automatically with nothing but validation and support. Both of them knew therapy would help along the way, but Alex’s recovery had momentum on its side, and it didn’t seem to be slowing down in the slightest.</p><p>The sidewalk wasn’t crowded, so Cabot decided to wrap her arms around her girlfriend’s neck, burying her face into Liv’s shoulder, pecking the soft skin with her lips. “I love you,” she whispered, the older woman holding her and cradling the back of her head.</p><p>“I love you too, beautiful,” the detective murmured, chancing a quick kiss to her hair. </p><p>Alex hummed in response, pulling back slightly and scanning the people around her. There still weren’t many, and none of them were paying attention to the random lesbian couple outside the fancy Italian restaurant. Coming to the conclusion that it would probably be safe—the evidence supported the claim she made in response to her drill sergeant’s cautionary warning—she wrapped her hand around the nape of Olivia’s neck, her thumb stroking the sensitive strip of skin behind her ear, something she’d learned drove the brunette crazy. Liv closed her eyes with a relaxed smile, impressed by the ADA’s memory. Why was she even surprised? </p><p>After a moment, brown eyes met crystal blue, and Olivia lightly squeezed Alex’s bicep. “Do you want to walk back to mine for a bit?”</p><p>“Uh…” The blonde’s eyes immediately met the ground below them, and she took a step away from Olivia as she hyper-fixated on a piece of green gum that was stuck to a storm drain.</p><p>“Just to talk,” she added quickly, dropping her hand and realizing her choice of words was likely not the best, “maybe cuddle if you want. I don’t expect anything from you, sweetheart.”</p><p>“I know that, honey,” Alex acknowledged tenderly, returning to her place directly in front of the SVU detective, “I just, it’s kind of instinctual.”</p><p>“That’s okay, love,” the brunette vowed, gingerly wrapping her arms around the other woman once again while searching for signs of hesitation. “It’s a process, like everything else. I want you to come over only if you want to.”</p><p>“I do want to come over,” Alex declared, Benson nodding in response. Metaphorical warmth permeated the ADA’s entire body, and she felt surrounded by a blanket of love that no power in the world, good or evil, could penetrate. It was safety in its purest form, and she took yet another step towards that safety, towards Olivia.</p><p>“You sure?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she confirmed, cradling the older of the two’s cheek, a mischievous smile gracing her lips and eyes. “Talking to you is my second favorite thing to do.”</p><p>Olivia’s brow furrowed. “What’s your favorite thing to do?”</p><p>Alex pulled the other woman’s face confidently towards hers, crashing their lips together as soon as Liv knew what she was doing and offered a sufficiently enthusiastic nod. The attorney heard a few cars honk and a catcall from across the street, and Olivia stiffened against her momentarily, the blonde pulling back to eye her and ensure she was okay, but after Benson looked around to see if anyone was approaching them, identifying no threats, they rested their foreheads together as both women caught their breath “That.” </p><p>The next evening, Olivia arrived at the penthouse with takeout, knocking on the front door with her elbow, before being let in by Alex, who had yet to change out of her work clothes. “Hey, sweetie,” she welcomed her with a smile, pecking the other woman’s lips before letting her in.</p><p>“Hi, my love,” Benson greeted softly as she walked into the penthouse. “Am I too early?” she asked, noticing Alex’s briefcase was thrown on her couch and she hadn’t even taken off her shoes yet.</p><p>“No, you’re fine,” Cabot assured her. “I had some O’Doherty trial preparations, so I was running late. My prep session with Tara went longer than I’d expected, but I decided not to tell you because I wanted you to come at the same time.” She took the bag of food from Liv and placed it on the kitchen counter for later. “I’m just going to go change,” she said quickly, breathing deeply and absorbing the brunette’s presence. That alone had significantly calmed Alex’s anxious mind. “Make yourself at home, babe. I’ll be right back.”</p><p>When she returned, Olivia was sitting on her couch next to the briefcase. “How is Tara?”</p><p>The attorney began to organize her paperwork, clearing a space for her to sit next to the other woman. "She's struggling. Her boyfriend left her."<br/>
Benson’s eyes widened. "Because of the rape?"</p><p>"Yeah,” Alex replied quietly, placing her closed briefcase on the floor, before turning to Olivia with a melancholy sigh. “Apparently, they were old college friends and they started dating a few months ago. She disclosed. He left."</p><p>Liv shook her head in disappointment and heartbreak, instinctively resting her hand over her girlfriend’s thigh, offering both of them grounding contact. "I can't even imagine."</p><p>Human Alex’s heart swelled in her chest. She absolutely, unequivocally, believed those words coming from the detective. Looking back on her original disclosure, there was not an ounce of doubt on Olivia’s face. She hadn’t even considered backing out of the relationship. "Not everyone has you, Liv. For some people, it might be better to just stay quiet. My parents taught me that." Cabot regretted making this about herself instantly. Not only did she feel involuntarily controlled by human Alex and more self-absorbed than she’d ever allowed herself to be before, she also knew that Olivia wouldn’t be able to pretend she hadn’t heard the words that concluded her statement. The conversation they’d had the night before proved that beyond any reasonable doubt—no. Beyond any possible doubt.</p><p>"I mean, I know I've asked this before and I sound like a broken record,” Liv prefaced, struck by the need to check once again if Alex had received any support as a child, still not wanting to believe she’d been totally alone, “but did you ever tell anyone? Anyone you've ever dated? A colleague? A friend from church? An absolute stranger?"</p><p>Cabot knew Olivia wasn’t extending judgment when bringing this up yet again, but it was clear the brunette hadn’t made the connection between her lifestyle and her silence. She wanted her to understand once and for all why she’d never even considered telling anyone, not even her doctors, what had happened when she was eleven. "Why do you think I live in this beautiful penthouse, Liv?” she asked, calling for the detective to speculate. It was just as well—Olivia was an expert on the subject of sexual assault. “I couldn't make rent for this place on an ADA's salary. No one knew about Pastor Paul except the few of us that lived through it—and even then, there were only whispers and rumors amongst the young girls—and also maybe some family members who did everything they could to shut us up.” She paused for a few seconds, waiting for the older woman to comprehend what she was saying, and once she received a pained inhale and a hand tightening against her leg in response, the blonde forced herself to finish. “Money isn't the price I pay to live a comfortable life, Olivia. The price I pay is silence."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you to my readers and all my regular commenters/reviewers! As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, predictions, and ideas! Stay safe!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 19. It continues right where the other one leaves off. I had some more time than I expected today, so I figured updating would be a good idea 😊<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 19</p><p>Olivia opened her mouth to reply, but before she could begin speaking, Alex segued quickly into a new topic. "I packed some clothes when you dropped me off last night."</p><p>"That's great,” she said with a soft smile, moving her hand from the other woman’s upper thigh. “But can we address what you just said, sweetie?"</p><p>The attorney sighed. Why did she always open up the most disgusting cans of worms? It was as if Olivia pulled the words right out of her. One look at those compassionate and unbelievably gentle brown eyes, and Alex was no longer in total control of her own words. Human Alex had staked her claim, and attorney Alex didn’t have much power anymore where the detective was concerned. The hardest part was giving into it, rather than fighting it, which is what her drill sergeant was trying to get her to do. "Look, Liv. There's not much else to say. I should have had parents, but instead I had handlers."</p><p>The older woman reached out for her girlfriend’s hand, which was fidgeting against her other one, bringing their fingers up to her lips and brushing them against Alex’s knuckles before she spoke. "You always have more to say than you let on, sweetheart. Ignoring what you're feeling is going to make things worse. If it comes up for you, you need to get it out." </p><p>Olivia wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t already know, but getting it out wasn’t as simple as it may have seemed. The invisible battle that went on between her brain and her heart each time her girlfriend asked her to open up was a violent one, and she was fighting this war against herself. The battlefield she longed to flee was so hot, she thought she was going to melt. "Everything in my life is a fight—something versus something else. It’s a language I understood well until I started noticing the inconsistencies and the hypocritical nature of those who helped write this narrative. My parents always taught me to ignore other people's opinions of me, but then in the same breath they'd remind me not to embarrass them.” </p><p>Alex was aware that her train of thought was not quite logical, and she’d jumped around a bit as she spoke. But Olivia wanted to hear whatever she wanted to tell her, and as long as it was—kind of—in English, the brunette would be able to accurately decipher the message.</p><p>"I can't imagine how confusing that must have been," Olivia commented, scooting closer to the younger woman.</p><p>"It may have been at first,” Alex acknowledged with a slight shrug, “but by the time Pastor Paul happened, it was sort of ingrained in me. It’s been on again, off again my entire life, trying to figure out who—or what—I should listen to. But my parents were non-negotiable. They paid for my education, they pay for this penthouse, and they told me they were happy to do it, just as long as I ‘stayed in my lane.’<br/>
Again, don’t embarrass them. Be what a Cabot should be. Never tell about Pastor Paul. And absolutely never talk about Tammy, lest the people that go to the same country club as Jean and Wilbur Cabot find out that their only child is a you-know-what.” She took a deep breath, leaning on Olivia for support. “They never put it explicitly, but I was pretty sure it was silence or homelessness.”</p><p>“I would never let that happen to you,” Liv vowed, leaning her forehead in to press against Alex’s, silently asking for permission to kiss her. Alex nodded shallowly, cradling the brunette’s cheek in her hand. Nothing grounded the attorney like this did. It was indeed her favorite thing to do. She let her lips brush lightly across Olivia’s, the other woman smiling in surprise that she’d initiated it. Choices were difficult for Alex Cabot, but this, this was a no-brainer.</p><p>“I know,” the younger woman breathed once she’d pulled away. “I wouldn’t be in that situation now anyway. I could pay for a one bedroom if I needed to, but…I always figured it’s more trouble than it’s worth, having to go through my parents.”</p><p>Liv nodded, opening her arms and inviting Alex into an embrace. “Come here for a second?” she asked carefully, watching as the other woman rested her check on her shoulder and wrapped her arms around her waist. “I hate silence,” she whispered after a few moments of peppering kisses into Alex’s hair. “I hate the loneliness of it. The fear of being found out. Most of all, I hate that that your parents forced you into it and rejected everything that makes you who you are. Honestly, Al?” she consoled lovingly, receiving a gentle hum. “Your parents missed out on the most amazing daughter,” Olivia declared resolutely, squeezing the prosecutor to her. “But,” she continued, pulling slightly away to meet her eyes, “they didn’t deserve you then, and they don’t deserve you now.”</p><p>“I just wish….”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>Alex hadn’t cried at all, but it was clear she was feeling the weight of her own words as she stared pensively at the sunset through Liv’s window, something she’d taken to doing. Once she’d determined that the blonde no longer wanted to share, Olivia reached out to tuck some hair behind Alex’s ear, humming lovingly as she did. "Do you want to eat before we finish packing?"</p><p>"Sure, honey,” Alex answered, sniffing and shaking herself back into reality. “What did you get?"</p><p>"I know you like Indian,” Liv said to her, standing up to retrieve the bag of food, which was still hot, “so I grabbed some from the place by the courthouse. I got chicken tikka masala, chicken vindaloo, vegetable curry, and samosas. What do you want?"</p><p>Cabot appreciated the distraction, but she didn’t appreciate the brunette’s question. What did she want? "Just hand me what's on top. I'm not picky."</p><p>"Al.” Olivia placed the bag on the floor in front of them, along with some bowls and utensils, and then she sat next to the younger women, turning to her and claiming both of her hands in hers. “There's no right answer, sweetheart. I saw you pick the first thing you happened to see on the menu last night. I would really like it if we didn't do that again." Alex went to apologize, but Liv stopped her. "It's okay. I know it's a process. But processes take work. You can have whatever you want, and more than one thing if you can't decide. If you want something else, I'll go get it."</p><p>The ADA appeared skeptical. "Really?"</p><p>"Yeah. Baby, you're not a chore to me. You're someone I love very, very much. I know food is a little thing that makes you happy, and you deserve to be happy."</p><p>A smile involuntarily broke on Alex’s lips as she squeezed her girlfriend’s hands in thanks. Her drill sergeant was stunned into silence, and honestly—it served him right. A small piece of his own medicine.<br/>
"Um. Okay. I'll eat the tikka masala then."</p><p>Liv released her hands, and then passed a takeout container to a blushing Alex, before rummaging through the bag again. "Do you want the garlic or regular naan?"</p><p>"Jesus Christ, Liv. You're gonna give me a heart attack."</p><p>Olivia looked up in concern to find Alex quietly laughing. "You're making jokes now?"

</p><p>"Sorry.” She smiled guiltily. “Needed to ease the tension."</p><p>Joking about things that made her uncomfortable—but not unsafe—was a sign of progress. She was taking back at least a small amount of control, and the difficulty she faced when making day-to-day decisions was in fact hers to joke about. Still, Liv had grown worried at the blonde’s unfortunate choice of words. "I was gonna just hand you one of these,” she said with feigned attitude, “but I'm definitely not letting you off the hook now, woman."</p><p>Alex laughed at the older woman’s bad impression of a petulant child for a few moments, buffering the situation, before she sobered and exhaled audibly, worrying her lower lip. "I'm twenty-eight-years-old, and I'm practicing having choices like a preschooler."</p><p>"I don't imagine they taught you to have choices in Alex Cabot Preparatory School."</p><p>"I was allowed to choose what dress to wear to church,” Alex pointed out, and then she realized it was only a partial truth, turning away from her girlfriend, “until I was eleven and begged to wear pants."</p><p>Liv took hold of Alex’s chin gingerly, turning her face towards her so that the younger woman would look into her eyes as she spoke, something she couldn’t really resist. "I know this brings up a lot for you, but I promise—none of this is a test.” Alex nodded, willing herself to believe it. Olivia was different. Olivia was different. Olivia was different. Safe. Safe. Safe. “To me, it's just what foil wrapped deliciousness to hand you. But to you, this is freedom from your parents, your abusers, the Church.” Alex reached out her hand for what she could see was the regular naan, and Olivia handed it to her with a smile. “This is freedom, my love. And we're going to take it one naan bread at a time."</p><p>After they’d eaten, they started to collect whatever else Alex wanted to bring to Olivia’s apartment, and the detective noticed that the walls and furniture were pretty much bare. A few pieces of artwork were sprinkled about in the penthouse, but there were no personal photos—no family, no friends. The loneliness and emptiness inside the open layout of the extravagant abode was palpable, and each Van Gogh, or Picasso, or—Alex’s favorite—Kahlo that got pulled down from the white walls made it worse.</p><p>"It's so big,” the blonde lamented from the next room, the volume of the statement echoing off the high ceiling, causing Alex to wince, “and I've always been so alone."

Benson quickly joined the attorney in her bedroom, where she was packing her toiletries, wanting to allow her to continue talking about her parents if that’s what she wanted. "You're not alone anymore, my sweet."</p><p>"I know. I just feel alone when I'm here,” she explained, putting her stash of expensive shampoo into a large suitcase, a gift from her parents. “That's why I've liked staying at yours. It's cozy. Warm. And it feels like home.” Alex let her hand float across the space in front of them, creating a visual as she edited the old adage. “Home is where Detective Benson is."</p><p>The older woman smirked, pulling the ADA up and off her knees, before wrapping her arms around her and kissing her forehead. "Is clever wording of phrases something they teach you in law school?"</p><p>"It's something they teach you at the Alex Cabot school," she said, referencing Liv’s earlier statement.</p><p>"Ooh, where do I apply?"</p><p>"I must warn you,” Alex cautioned slowly, smiling only a little, “the curriculum is rigorous, and until recently, the administration has prohibited love and other emotions."</p><p>Olivia bumped her nose affectionately against her girlfriend’s as she hummed, reminding her that this was no longer the case in her life. "Well, then,” she asserted indignantly, “I won't apply, and you can<br/>
drop out."</p><p>"Do I lose room and board when I don't enroll for next semester?” the younger woman queried, hope lacing her voice as she stood on her toes to reach for something that was behind Olivia. “I sure hope so. I can't wait to get the fuck out of here."</p><p>The cop thought for a few moments, wanting to tread lightly and not risk making Alex even more uncomfortable. No matter how she phrased it though, Olivia knew this would be a big question for the ADA to answer, and she would likely feel pressured to answer in her girlfriend’s favor. "Do you want to move in with me? Officially? I mean, I know we talked about it being temporary and such, but you seem miserable here, and I hate that this place is a reminder of what you've lost."</p><p>Alex zipped her bag closed before standing up again. "I have a contract,” she sighed, and she genuinely seemed sad. </p><p>"Your family has a contract, I'm assuming," Olivia gently corrected, wanting to make sure she understood what she was working with. </p><p>"Yeah, so?" Alex crossed her arms over her chest, confused and a little anxious. What was the brunette getting at? What was going to happen? </p><p>"They abandoned you,” Olivia explained her position, wrapping her hand around Alex’s forearm and moving it back and forth, soothing away the goosebumps that were adorning it. Why don't you repay the favor?"</p><p>Cabot grasped what the other woman was suggesting, and though the idea was enticing, there was no way she’d be able to pull it off. Liv was underestimating the Cabots, their fortune, and their complete lack of empathy for their daughter. "I don't know if I could do that."</p><p>"Al, if you don't want to move in with me, just say so,” she encouraged gently as the prosecutor was instinctively pulled towards her, her arms dropping to her sides as Olivia continued to rub warmth into them tenderly. “I won’t be offended. The last thing I want to do is pressure you into anything you're not absolutely ready for. But if you do want to, we will find a way to make it happen.” She looked around the beautiful—but empty—bathroom. “Get you out of this nightmarish dream house. But only if you want."</p><p>Alex wanted to. Oh, how she wanted to. But her drill sergeant had decided to wake up and yell at her again. “Alexandra,” it sneered viciously, “you know what moving in means.” She tried to argue in her mind that Olivia had the patience of a saint, but the domineering voice just scoffed. “You’re bringing the Catholics into this, you pathetic girl? You know what the Catholics condone, what Olivia will expect of you.” She really didn’t have anything against Catholics, but for some reason, her drill sergeant had latched on to the bias. </p><p>“Alexandra, say no, or you will regret this moment for the rest of your life.”</p><p>No!</p><p>Olivia was different. Olivia was different. Olivia was different.</p><p>Different. Different. Different.</p><p>Alex was safe. Olivia was safe.</p><p>Safe. Sa—</p><p>“Al? Baby, you still with me?” was the impossibly gentle question that finally shut up Alex’s fuming drill sergeant.</p><p>“Yeah, I….” automatically escaped Alex’s lips, a nod pushing her lovingly to continue, the soft smile she had come to know as safety urging her on. “I do want to. It’s just…I would have to tell my parents in person to convince them I was serious. My dad is older than seventy now, and my mom is in her fifties, but they’re intimidating. I…” she trailed off again, closing her eyes at the sensation of her girlfriend smoothing both of her hands over her hair and pressing a tender kiss to her nose.</p><p>Safe.</p><p>She took a slow breath in and out. “I haven't confronted my parents in many years. I...would always freeze up. I dealt with it until I graduated law school because they were paying, but I haven’t had more than a five minute conversation with either of them since before 2000."</p><p>"This time is different though, my sweet Al,” Olivia told her. “You’re no longer a team of one. I’m here. I love you.” She pressed another kiss into her forehead, pulling her close by the back of her flaxen hair.</p><p>“I love you too.” The younger woman buried her face into her girlfriend’s neck, inhaling the sweet smell of safety. The relief was overwhelming, something the blonde had never experienced. All-consuming anguish gave way to impossible light, impossible freedom, impossible love, and the answer was in Alex. In her ability to love and be loved. She had the key.</p><p>She only needed to find the lock.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you all for the love and support! As always, please comment and share your thoughts, ideas, and predictions.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 20. Thank you so much for those who’ve commented and followed, left kudos, and read. I would love to hear from more of you about your thoughts on the story. I always taken reviews/comments into account when I write.<br/>Trigger warning for courtroom testimony as well as other mentions/descriptions of rape against a child.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 20</p><p>Only a few minutes before Alex was to present the boys as witnesses before the grand jury, she sat in her office with Olivia across from her, frantically reading and rereading over the statements the boys were going to give in response to the questions she had planned to ask. This was not her first indictment hearing, but—by far—it was the hardest prep she’d ever done. She’d already explained the relevant statute to the men and women in the creaky wooden chairs, and she’d shown them what remained of the three security tapes. They were on lunch, and the boys were on their way.</p><p>She took off her glasses when she noticed her eyes burning, probably long after the symptom had actually begun, and rubbed at them with shaky hands, sighing heavily as Liv studied her intently. “Do you need anything before you go?” the detective asked softly, tipping her head to the side in concern.</p><p>Alex gave her a half-hearted smirk, resting her fingers over the other woman’s outstretched hand. “Is that your way of asking me to talk to you?”</p><p>“I just don’t want you to take whatever this is—” she gestured vaguely with her hand, indicating Alex’s mind “—into the grand jury. You haven’t slept, and you’re stewing in something.”</p><p>The ADA nodded, her eyes downcast, hovering over the words “helpless”, “alone”, and “ashamed”, each boy’s descriptor of how D’Agostino’s assault had made them feel. “Guilt.”</p><p>Benson hummed sadly. “Why guilt?”</p><p>“It seems like guilt is a common theme in my life.” She laughed once mirthlessly, deciding that she was as prepared for these three testimonies as she was ever going to be, and as long as Olivia was offering support, she might as well take it. “The worst part of prepping the boys was telling them that they couldn't talk to each other about the case. They've been leaning on each other, and I took their support away."</p><p>"It's only for a couple months,” the brunette calmly tried to soothe her girlfriend, whose eyes had yet to leave the word “alone”. Alex had been alone for—first she considered it to be seventeen years, the time in between Pastor Paul’s assault and when she’d begun dating Olivia. But the younger woman really had never possessed meaningful relationships with anyone at all. She was a nerd. And dirty—literally and figuratively. She climbed trees as a child until at the tender age of seven, the elder Cabots forced her to be more ladylike. She wasn’t ever popular at school or within her parents’ circle of friends and their kids. It hadn’t been seventeen years of loneliness after all. In actuality, it had been twenty-eight years of loneliness. Liv’s gentle voice pulled her out of the tornado of thoughts she’d been sucked into.  “And you didn't hear me say this, but I doubt these boys are going to refrain from discussing the case."</p><p>So either the boys suffered alone for several more months or Alex dove headfirst towards a mistrial, at the very least. "You're right. I didn't hear you say that." She looked at her watch.  "I have to go. The boys should have arrived. I’m hoping it won’t take long. Do you want to wait here?"</p><p>"Sure. You gonna be okay, babe?"</p><p>“I’ll survive,” she sighed, standing up and collecting her things. “I always do, right?”</p><p>When she found the three boys, they’d arrived with three chaperones—Elliot sat with Bryson at one end of the room, Munch sat with Dominic at the other, and Fin was on his knees in front of Tommy, who appeared to be crying. The prosecutor approached that duo first, intentionally softening her voice. “What’s going on?”</p><p>Fin spoke first. “Little dude’s afraid to testify. He feels bad about getting his priest in trouble, and he’s just scared about the whole thing,” the detective explained to the ADA as the child frantically wiped tears from his cheeks.</p><p>“Is that true?” Alex asked kindly, squatting to be at eye level with the boy as Fin stood up.</p><p>He sniffed. “It’s just really embarrassing.”</p><p>"I know it's not easy, Tommy,” Alex empathized, the very idea of being in his shoes instantly overwhelming and nearly panic inducing. “But you just take it one word at a time. One word at a time. I'm going to lead you through your testimony. All you have to do is answer my questions honestly.” He nodded, trying to psych himself up as Fin handed him a tissue. “Do you want to go first so Detective Tutuola can take you home?”</p><p>Tommy blew his nose. “Yes, please.”</p><p>The cop tapped her shoulder, encouraging her to stand up, and then he spoke softly only to Alex. “Weren’t you planning on taking Bryson’s testimony first?”</p><p>“I was,” Cabot acknowledged, “but I think with this case, ‘Flexible’ is going to have to be my new middle name.” She turned once again to the young boy. “You ready to come with me?”</p><p>“I…I think so,” he stammered.</p><p>“You’re going to be okay. I promise you that, Tommy. It just takes time.”</p><p>He smiled bravely, and then he followed Alex into the grand jury room.</p><p>She quickly relaxed into the flow of her questions and Tommy’s words, letting him expand on certain points and gloss over others in attempt to achieve the kind of balance that would have the two dozen New Yorkers return an indictment without retraumatizing the child more than was necessary. </p><p>Just like when Liv had first told her of her mother’s rape, the boy’s words faded in and out for Alex, and she absorbed just enough to follow the testimony and be actively involved as she carefully asked questions, and it came as no surprise to her that the phrases she was drawn to held a special significance for her.</p><p>“…I was in trouble. I deserved it…”</p><p>“…He said I was growing up.”</p><p>“…He wasn’t gentle. It kinda hurt…”</p><p>“…He said we were in God’s house…”</p><p>“…I’d heard rumors before, but I didn’t think it would happen to me…”</p><p>“Like baptism,” he’d concluded. </p><p>When Tommy had completed his testimony, Alex gratefully brought him to Fin, and he was proud of himself, something the lawyer eagerly pointed out to him. She took a deep breath as they left, calling Bryson into the courtroom.</p><p>“Bryson, can you tell us what happened the night of October 2nd?”</p><p>And so it began. Alex’s attempts to stay fully in the present were thwarted by her drill sergeant’s—once again unhelpful—decision to keep her in the past.</p><p>“…I was so scared. I thought he was gonna…”</p><p>“…I told my mom, and she wasn’t sure what to think…”</p><p>“…I’m not gay. I’m not…”</p><p>“…He told me that…what happened…that it was like being reborn…”</p><p>And then there was Dominic, the small Italian American boy who saw testifying as a sacred duty and listened so intently to Alex’s questions that the blonde thought maybe he could see right through her. What was the saying? “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” That was certainly true in Dominic’s case. But for Alex—well, she’d concluded that what doesn’t kill you simply doesn’t kill you.</p><p>“…Tommy told me first. But I didn’t believe him until…”</p><p>“…I confessed my sins, but Father didn’t think it was enough…”</p><p>“…He smiled when I…I can’t. I’m sorry…”</p><p>“He said it was like baptism.” Dominic cleared his throat as Alex nodded for him to continue. “That I’d been saved from my sins and reborn. I was pretty sure I was dying.”</p><p>The attorney thanked the boy afterwards and led him out to Elliot, and the grand jury was left to deliberate. She considered going back to her office, finding Olivia and burying herself in the older woman’s arms, but she couldn’t afford to fall apart yet, so she just sat on the first chair she saw, her leg bouncing up and down anxiously. </p><p>They were starting therapy in only a week. There was a light at the end of the dark tunnel—or, more accurately, the ten dark tunnels that she was walking through all at once. </p><p>She needed to get this true bill, and then she could stop thinking about the case for at least a few days before Kressler would likely file a motion to dismiss. His Halloween prediction hadn’t hit yet, so maybe he’d let it go and decide that trying the case was a good idea. Alex questioned her usually keen ability to predict her opponent’s next move. </p><p>If she could get through this indictment, she’d have time to obtain the strength and tools she’d need to make it through the trial. And if the grand jury did vote to charge D’Agostino with sex abuse one, then Kressler probably wouldn’t have grounds to request a dismissal based on lack of evidence. </p><p>One foot in front of the other. It was as she’d told Tommy—one word at a time. One moment at a time. One tap of her heel against the linoleum flooring at a time. Tap. Tap. Tap.</p><p>Her pager vibrated.</p><p>She dragged herself back to her office a few minutes later, opening the door slowly to find Olivia waiting for her. “And?” she asked expectantly, gauging the expression on the tired woman’s face.</p><p>“I got a true bill.” Her words escaped her in an absent daze, and she dropped her briefcase onto the floor. Though her conscious thoughts had been fixed on a victory, deep inside her, she really expected the grand jury to return no true bill. </p><p>“That’s amazing, baby.” Liv stood up and waited for the younger woman to meet her eyes before offering her arms out to her. “Congratulations.”</p><p>The thought of this moment had gotten Alex through the hard ones, and she immediately stepped into Olivia’s embrace, a wave of terror crashing through her before she realized that the brunette had closed all the blinds in advance of their reconnection, as she had wanted this to be a possibility for them, regardless of the outcome.</p><p>“It was almost unanimous, Liv,” she murmured into the detective’s shirt, breathing in her shampoo. </p><p>"So, it was an easy indictment, huh?"</p><p>She pulled away slightly before answering. "Easier than I expected. But without cross, I'm still worried about how a jury will respond." The lawyer sat down in her chair, organizing her paperwork and then planning in her mind what she needed to do next.</p><p>They sat in silence for a little while as Olivia watched her girlfriend work. But eventually, she stopped moving, and the somewhat faraway look returned to her crystal blues. "What's going on in your mind?"</p><p>Alex sighed, tears fighting to escape her lower eyelids. "Those grand jury testimonies. All at once. One at a time. The whole thing. Just phrases.” Olivia nodded for her to continue the same way the ADA had done for the three boys as they spoke to the grand jury. “You know, they were brave enough to voice their assaults out loud, but the thoughts...those were my thoughts. The fear...the,” her voice broke as she continued fidgeting, “‘is this really happening?' And then you realize that yes, it is really happening, and there's nothing you can do. And then, and then you think 'well, this must be okay because he's a man of God.' And—” She inhaled deeply, forcing her watery eyes to meet Liv’s loving orbs. She reached out for her anchor, for Liv’s tender touch, casting away her drill sergeant once more and planting her feet firmly onto the floor. “—and you don't remember being told that God's love was going to hurt so much."</p><p>Olivia’s heart sank into her stomach, and she gripped onto the love of her life’s hand more firmly than she ever had before, new red-hot fury blazing within her. Once again, Alex hadn’t necessarily shared more about her abuse, but she had confirmed what the brunette was already nearly certain of. Being uncertain was Liv’s only saving grace, and she didn’t have that anymore. But the woman who now used her free hand to rid her face of tears deserved her love—yes, even more than Pastor Paul deserved her hatred. "Can you tell me more, sweetheart?" she asked, concealing a grimace. </p><p>Alex shook her head, wanting to comfort the other woman with another squeeze to her hand. Neither of them wanted to hurt the other, but they were sailing into stormy waters. "I don't want to cry in my office, Liv."</p><p>"Okay. Then I'll take you away from here. It's been a while, and we haven't started therapy yet. You need to vent, yeah?"</p><p>Cabot blew out a puff of air, realizing that word vomit was lurking in the back of her throat. "Yeah."</p><p>"Okay, come on, baby." Olivia stood up, reaching for Alex’s hand as she went to open the door to her office.</p><p>The blonde hesitated. "I'm sorry, honey. I...can't let the people in this office see you comforting me, or...leading me outside. I'm just not...I'm not ashamed of you, I promise." It was just too much all at once. </p><p>The older of the two nodded with a soft smile, dropping her hand and taking a step away from her. "It's okay, sweetie. The last thing I want to do is make you more anxious."</p><p>They walked side by side towards Liv’s car, and once the cop had pulled out of the parking lot, it occurred to her that the other woman may be more comfortable talking to her if eye contact wasn’t expected, so she kept her eyes on the road, opting to continue their conversation sooner rather than later. "What do you want to tell me?"</p><p>"I guess I could tell you what happened...with Pastor Paul.” Both of her knees rose and fell rapidly as she spoke, and she winced when one of them collided with the dashboard of Olivia’s car. “I remember the details, but I've never really processed them."</p><p>Benson furrowed her brow, not expecting Alex to voluntarily offer up such information. "Do you want to do that?"</p><p>"No, I....” the prosecutor shook her head, changing her mind as quickly as she’d originally made it up. “You don't want to hear the details."</p><p>"I want to hear whatever you want to tell me, sweetie, remember?"</p><p>"I don't want to tell you.” Why’d she even bring it up in the first place? Human Alex was a glutton for punishment. “I just...can't."</p><p>"Okay, that's fine, baby,” the brunette assured her quickly, wanting to find a topic while the other woman still seemed willing to share. “What do you want to talk about?"</p><p>“I wanted to vent, and I think I need to. But I’m just not sure I can right now.”</p><p>“Okay, well,” Olivia proposed, chancing a look towards Alex when she reached a stop light, “I’m going to finish driving us to my apartment. We can just sit quietly together if that’s what you want. But I’m here. And you’re safe. You don’t have to do anything for the rest of the day but take care of yourself, alright, love?”</p><p>Alex bobbed her head up and down, absorbing the SVU detective’s words. “Okay, sweetie. I’m…feeling better. I just…haven’t heard so much in depth testimony in so little time in quite a while, and on top of everything else going on—sometimes I just shut down.”</p><p>“That’s a—”</p><p>“—protective mechanism, I know. I’m getting better at it, but sometimes the only way for me to shut off my drill sergeant is to shut off everything.”</p><p>“That’s understandable, Al. And it won’t be this way forever. You’re going to be okay.”</p><p>“That’s what I told Tommy,” the younger woman said to Olivia, studying her soft features as she thought.</p><p>“It’s true, you know,” she pointed out. "It’s so hard to see the way out when you’re in the darkness, but there is life beyond survival, my love. And I will walk with you through the dark until you get there.”</p><p>Alex offered her girlfriend a grateful squeeze of the hand, and then she kept their fingers intertwined and resting on her own thigh. She wasn’t floating away from Olivia in this storm. She was anchored."I’m just not sure how I feel about all this. If the indictment was so easy, am I overestimating how difficult a conviction will be?”</p><p>"Have you talked to Liz about this case?" Benson inquired, hoping the Bureau Chief had something helpful to say to the young ADA she’d thrown dismissively into SVU at the earliest possible moment. </p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>"And what does she think?"</p><p>"She wants me to do what I think is right.” Donnelly vacillated between giving ADA Cabot direct orders and asking her to make her own prosecutorial decisions, and the blonde often felt like she was getting whiplash. “Problem is, I don't know what I think is right. The burden for sex abuse one is hard to meet, but I know sex abuse three would be a joke. Maximum of three months? These boys are going to be living with what that monster did to them for the rest of their lives. I don't know what to do. I got the indictment—does that mean move forward with trial preparations?"</p><p>"Just listen to your heart," Olivia suggested in proper Detective Benson fashion, pulling into a parking space at the apartment complex.</p><p>"Don't you think that could be problematic?" Alex asked, her father’s mantra of “stick to the facts” weighing heavily on her mind. </p><p>The brunette put her car in park, turning to the other woman and bringing their joined hands to rest over the left side of the attorney’s chest. "I think your heart led you to stay in SVU. To some extent, you should let it lead you through SVU as well."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think. Stay safe!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 21. Thank you so much for those who’ve commented and followed, left kudos, and read. I would love to hear from more of you about your thoughts on the story. I always taken reviews/comments into account when I write.<br/>Trigger warning for detailed conversation around the rape of a child.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 21</p><p>The morning of their first therapy appointment, the detective sat pensively in the living room, sipping coffee as she waited for her girlfriend to emerge from the bedroom. When she did, the blonde looked uncharacteristically sluggish, even though Liv was more than aware she hadn’t slept much the previous evening. “Hey, love,” she greeted softly, noticing the woman’s arms wrapped protectively around her middle. “Did you manage to get some sleep?”</p><p>“Not really,” Alex grumbled, disappointed, as she approached Benson in her living room. She hadn’t fallen asleep until Olivia had left the bed, and after only an hour or two, she awoke to an unfortunate surprise in her underwear. "Babe, do you have any maxi pads? I didn't think to pack mine when I left the penthouse."</p><p>"I don't usually wear pads,” the older of the two broke the news gently, tipping her head to the side in concern as the attorney bit mercilessly at her lower lip. “I have tampons in the cabinet under the sink though."</p><p>Understandably, Alex hesitated to sit down, not wanting to get blood on any of the police officer’s furniture. Her eyes met her foot, which was dancing anxiously against the wooden floor of the kitchen, several feet away from Olivia who sat alert on the couch. "Liv, I don't use tampons,” she squeaked, embarrassed, upset her monthly gift and her own unpreparedness had forced this conversation.</p><p>“Hey, it’s okay,” the brunette eagerly reassured the nervous ADA, standing up from the couch and approaching Alex. Of course she didn’t use tampons. This should have occurred to her already, Olivia chided herself, hating any time she inadvertently added to the anxiety of the woman she loved. “How about you write down the brand and size you buy, and I’ll go get you some?”</p><p>“I…” she stammered. “You don’t have to—” Cabot sighed, trying to remember how to speak eloquently. “You don’t have to do that.”</p><p>“Here, sweetheart.” She passed over a piece of printer paper and a pen, gesturing to the kitchen island. “I want you to rest before our appointment in a few hours, Al, and you clearly don’t feel well.” The prosecutor dutifully wrote down the information her girlfriend had requested, too fatigued to fight for the independence she felt obligated to retain. “I’ll bring back breakfast too. Do you have a favorite tea?”</p><p>Alex was suddenly very overloaded and overstimulated, unsure of how to react to three separate offers on Liv’s part to take care of her. “I…don’t really have a preference,” she murmured, worrying her lip again, before handing the paper over to Olivia.</p><p>“Are you okay, love? What’s going on?” The detective took the one remaining step to be directly in front of Cabot, and she reached out for her hand, squeezing lightly.</p><p>“I’m just a little overwhelmed,” she admitted, underplaying it. “There’s just a lot going on today.” What a pathetic argument, the ever-present drill sergeant reamed her out. You have therapy and your period. All in one day? How awful! These things barely qualified as “a lot going on.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Liv. I…” Alex shook her head, trying to rid her mind of the less than compassionate thoughts. It didn’t matter what a lifeless entity that existed only in her head thought of her. Olivia loved her. Olivia had offered to get the pads.</p><p>Olivia was different.</p><p>The older woman furrowed her brow. “Are you apologizing for menstruating?”</p><p>“No.” Alex huffed. “Yes. I don’t know what I’m apologizing for. It’s just embarrassing. I’m—” She stopped herself from apologizing again.</p><p>The brunette smiled fondly at the younger woman, giving her hand another squeeze. “Can I offer some thoughts and a plan?”</p><p>The attorney just nodded, afraid she’d say sorry again if she dared to open her mouth. “I understand why this is hard, Al. But there is not a reason in the world why you need to be embarrassed right now. Not of wearing pads. Not of me going to get them for you. Not of getting your period. Not of accepting help. Today was already going to be a big day for you, and I don’t imagine you had also planned on telling me you don’t use tampons, which obviously brings up some discomfort. So, I want to support you through this day in any way I can. I’m going to pick these up.” She folded the paper into a square and shoved it in her pocket. “I’m going to grab some bagels and some breakfast tea to calm your stomach. Then, I’ll come back here, and we’ll eat. We’ll take it easy for a bit, and then we’ll go meet Kimani.”</p><p>Alex swallowed. “Thank you for not making me choose.”</p><p>“Come here,” Benson finally invited, cradling the base of her girlfriend’s skull and bringing her lips to the blonde’s forehead for three quick kisses, letting the fourth linger. “One day at a time, okay?” she whispered into her skin. The other woman nodded again, gripping the nape of Olivia’s neck and exhaling deeply. “There’s ibuprofen in the cabinet. I’ll be back in thirty minutes.”</p><p>With one last kiss—this time to her lips—Liv grabbed her wallet and left the apartment.</p><p>A few hours later, Alex found herself in an unfamiliar room, sitting on an unfamiliar couch, across from an unfamiliar person. At least she knew Olivia. Olivia was familiar. </p><p>Kimani was nice enough, but her lower abdomen throbbed, and her head spun as pain and anxiety made it difficult for her to concentrate. She wanted this so badly—the opportunity to learn how to cope with what she’d gone through and experience a fulfilling relationship with Olivia. </p><p>“Alex?”</p><p>The unfamiliar voice saying her name brought her back to reality. She’d been asking so many questions, and Olivia had been honest to a fault, probably wanting to set an example and show her girlfriend that it was okay to be truthful with a therapist. She was a therapist, for goodness sakes! That’s what they were there for. Still, Alex waited helplessly for her drill sergeant’s ruthless cross examination, knowing he’d find a hole in Kimani’s trustworthiness.  “Yeah, sorry. I’m just tired today.” A lie of omission. If Alex squinted, she could almost convince herself that it was excusable. She was used to lying. But she’d been trying not to.</p><p>Evidence. Alex needed evidence to shut her drill sergeant up. Kimani was a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in sex and sex after trauma, the attorney began to list in her head. She had a degree in psychotherapy, and she’d had four years of post-Master’s experience. She’d worked with dozens of survivors and their partners, and most of her clients had made strides. Kimani’s case was closed. She was trustworthy. </p><p>“That’s okay, Alex. I was just wondering if you were ready to talk about what we’ll do next.”</p><p>Cabot turned to Olivia, always looking for guidance. “That wasn’t a trick question, sweetheart,” she promised softly, brushing a piece of hair behind Alex’s ear as she spoke. “If you’re not ready, tell her. It’s okay.” Liv had questioned the wisdom of offering physical comfort during their session, but Alex had from the beginning seemed to request it, as if she knew Kimani wouldn’t judge them and wanted to soak up the acceptance and take advantage of it as much as possible. “It’s your decision,” the brunette concluded, deferring to the other woman’s choice, something the ADA had told Kimani was an issue for her. She’d actually been just as honest as Olivia had been, speaking quickly but earnestly about almost everything Olivia already knew about, including the upcoming confrontation with the Cabots, and she found that even though Liv was amazingly supportive, there was something about talking to someone whose job it was to listen that was so much less shame-inducing. And she felt less guilty about it because she didn’t feel like she could be as much of a burden to someone who didn’t really know her.</p><p>“Yeah, okay, sounds good.”</p><p>Kimani smiled softly. “So, I know this is just our first session, but I want you both to start working on two things in between our appointments. The first is keeping the lines of communication open. It’s sounds like you’re doing a fairly good job of this already, but it’s important to be conscious of it. The other thing,” she continued, pulling two packets of papers off the desk next to her and handing one each to the two women, “is these touch exercises. Alex, it’ll help you become more comfortable with different kinds of touch, and Olivia, these exercises will help you feel comfortable with the idea of touching Alex. I want you to combine the communication you’re working on with these exercises. Since we’re only starting, I don’t want either of you to feel like you need to progress quickly through the packet. For now, start with things you’re already doing—like you said, you’ve been kissing and cuddling a lot. That’s great. The idea is to move slowly into more intimate touches, and you’re always welcome to skip over something that makes you feel uncomfortable.” She paused for a moment to check for understanding from her clients, who both nodded. “If you want to start by just reading through the packet together and discussing your thoughts on it with each other, that’s also perfectly fine. This is your therapy, and these choices are yours to make. I would like to talk about your progress when we meet, but please, take it at your own pace. There is no timeline for which to complete these exercises.”</p><p>Olivia smiled, nudging her girlfriend lightly with her shoulder. “Sound familiar?”</p><p>Alex blushed, but still gave a small smirk. Liv always knew what she was talking about.</p><p>“Am I the third wheel in this inside joke?” Kimani asked lightly.</p><p>“No, just…the no timeline thing—Olivia tells me that a lot,” Alex explained to the therapist. </p><p>“Well, it sounds like you’re already on the right track. I know first sessions can be overwhelming, and it’s often the hardest one. You both shared a lot today, and I think I have a good idea of the kinds of things we’ll need to talk about together. Do you feel okay to continue next week?”</p><p>Without even thinking, Cabot nodded, and it occurred to her that it was the easiest choice she’d made in quite some time. She was exhausted, sure, but she felt lighter, more equipped already. The packet of papers in her hands would serve as a roadmap to connection with Olivia, and Kimani would shine a light in the direction they needed to go. “Yes, definitely,” the blonde answered, turning to her girlfriend. “What about you, Liv?”</p><p>“Yes, of course.”</p><p>“What questions do you have for me today?” the kind woman asked after making them another appointment.</p><p>Alex and Olivia both felt pretty confident, and they knew if anything came up in the coming week, they could ask Kimani about it next time. They said goodbye and headed home, the attorney still flabbergasted with her own forthcomingness and ability to share. She’d come so far already, and she couldn’t wait to make real tangible progress.</p><p>Olivia exited the shower that evening to find Alex placing her cell phone on the nightstand by what had become her side of the bed. “Important phone call?” she asked, getting into the bed next to her girlfriend.</p><p>The younger woman shrugged. “I called my father. He seemed happy to hear that I’m coming to see him next week. It was probably the last pleasant interaction I’ll ever have with him though.”</p><p>Olivia knew what was coming, but she also knew that somehow, the woman she loved had gathered the courage to make contact with and soon confront the person who arguably did the most damage to her as a child. So she was extremely proud of Alex, but she also worried for her safety. “Do you want to go by yourself so that I don’t make things worse when they ask who I am?”</p><p>“No, honey,” she answered vehemently. “First of all, if I ever have the approval of my parents, I give you permission to shoot me. And second, I wouldn’t be doing this if it weren’t for you.” The corners of her lips turned upward slightly as she got herself situated in bed and wrapped her arms around the detective.  “This is me accepting help.”</p><p>Olivia awoke in the night to soft whimpering and terrified thrashing, recognizing immediately that Alex was having a nightmare. After the stress-filled day she’d had, it came as no surprise, but the older woman’s heart ached to see the evident horror and subsequent helplessness on her love’s face. “Al,” she whispered, still trying to keep some distance. She wished she knew what the ADA was dreaming about because maybe it would clue her in to how to help her. “Baby, can you wake up?” she tried, a little louder. “You’re safe. It’s Olivia,” she cooed, her voice breaking with desperation. Finally, unsure of what else to do, she intertwined her fingers with Alex’s, squeezing firmly, and by some miracle, the woman’s eyes snapped open.</p><p>"Baby, do you know where you are?" Benson asked slowly after she’d blinked a few times.</p><p>Her eyes met the ceiling. "In bed."</p><p>That wasn’t a reassuring response. Had she been dreaming about Tammy?</p><p>"You’re in my bed,” the cop corrected tenderly. “You're safe with me, sweetheart. It's just me, Al. It's Olivia."</p><p>Alex’s head snapped in the other woman’s direction. "Olivia." </p><p>"Yeah, it's me.” A sad smile graced her features as she could tell the younger woman was staring through her, and the utterance of her name wasn’t one of recognition, but one of searching. Alex was still looking for Olivia, but something was preventing her from finding her. “No one is going to hurt you, Alex. I'm just going to lie next to you and hold your hand. You can do this. I’m right here. Come back to me, love."</p><p>The brunette knew she’d found her when she returned the tight grip on her hand, and tears sprung to her eyes when she realized she’d scared Olivia. "Liv, I'm sorry." She was anxious, but her cloudy blue irises were still somewhat empty as she searched for an anchor to reality. Sometimes Liv’s loving voice and careful touch could only do so much. She’d made progress today. Naturally, there would be a regression. Before her drill sergeant could counter, Olivia shut him up herself.</p><p>"Shh. It's not your fault you had a nightmare. It's going to take a minute to be fully grounded. But I'm right here. Just keep breathing. Focus on my hand around yours and my voice."</p><p>"I...” Alex firmly believed that the other woman deserved a better explanation after more than four months of random panic and chronic insomnia. “My father was yelling and...Pastor Paul."</p><p>Liv nodded in understanding. "You're safe now."</p><p>"I know that.” She rolled just a little and buried her face into Olivia’s chest, more intimate contact than she usually initiated, but she wanted to feel the sweet, steady breath of the woman she loved as she spoke. “I know I'm safe with you. I just…now that I’m getting out all this repressed trauma, I think my mind is wanting a clean slate. It’s like human Alex is pushing me to spill it all."</p><p>Olivia hummed. “I think human Alex is very smart. I also think calling her human Alex is a little redundant. The point is, love, that you are human Alex. She’s not a separate identity. She is you in your genuine form.”</p><p>Alex knew it was redundant. But she was so used to filing things away in different categories and putting labels on parts of herself for safety that it was sort of strange to give in and recognize the person she’d always been, but was only now allowing herself to be. “Well, Alex, I mean I,” she corrected herself nervously, “think I should tell you about my nightmare.”</p><p>Olivia let her lips brush against the crown of her head. “Only if you want to. But I’m going to need you to sit up so I can look at your face, sweetheart. Can I hold your hands?” she questioned gently when<br/>
Alex had cooperated with Olivia’s request. The blonde wanted her to feel safe throughout this conversation, and Cabot knew she’d feel safer if she could monitor her eyes from an upright point-of-view as she spoke. </p><p>The prosecutor offered both of her hands to the other woman, crossing her legs and facing her. “It was basically a replay of what he did to me.” She paused to give Liv the chance to ask her to refrain from sharing the details of her most violent assault, but her eyes just bore into hers, holding tightly to her hand, and she nodded to grant her permission to continue. "I don't think I've told you, but he...he full on raped me. Like first degree rape—I thought I was going to die. Sometimes, I’m still surprised I didn’t.”</p><p>Olivia nodded, swallowing thickly. Again, she already knew, but hearing it was excruciating. </p><p>Sweet Alex—and she was only a baby. </p><p>"I’m so sorry, my love. I am so, so sorry,” she repeated, her lip quivering. “You can keep going, Al,” she said after her girlfriend hesitated to continue when she noticed the pain on Liv’s face. “You need to get it out.”</p><p> For the first time, Alex allowed herself to take the brunette’s offer at face value, remembering that in the event she was uncomfortable, Olivia was responsible for communicating that. "And it wasn't just... It happened twice in the same attack. One was….” Like so many victims she’d interviewed, Alex couldn’t bring herself to admit the clinical details. “It was two different….” She took Olivia’s hands tightening around hers as permission to stop. “I was a small child. Tall because I'd hit puberty, but still pretty thin, and I lost a lot of weight afterwards because I didn't really eat much for months. My mom was proud of me for dieting. But really, every time I tried to put something in my mouth, I gagged."</p><p>It dawned on Olivia that this is what Alex was getting at when she’d asked Father D’Agostino if he’d had the boys get down on their knees during confession.</p><p>She wasn’t talking about the case.</p><p>She was talking about herself.</p><p>This was the brutality inflicted on the purest, most ethical human being the detective had ever met. This was the story the two people who were supposed to keep her safe gaslighted, belittled, and ignored.</p><p>A new type of rage grew within Olivia Benson as she watched the love of her life continue struggling to describe how Pastor Paul had stolen her childhood and injured her body with a disgustingly cavalier attitude towards the crying child whose soul he was destroying, and suddenly, the brunette couldn’t wait to meet the Cabots face to face.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thanks for reading! We meet the Cabots in the next chapter. Would love to hear your predictions!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here is Chapter 22, which I am unofficially calling "Meet the Parents."</p>
<p>Trigger warnings for homophobia, internalized homophobia, mild physical violence, non-specific discussion around the rape of a child, religious trauma, and abusive parents.</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p>
<p>Chapter 22</p>
<p>"Can you do me a favor?" Alex asked quietly as they drove along the Long Island Expressway. Liv gave her a nod and glanced at her momentarily. "I know you're angry at my parents, sweetie. I am too. But I'd like to break ties amicably if possible. If it gets ugly, I understand, but do you think you'll be able to stay calm, at least at first?"</p>
<p>The older woman exited the interstate, turning to Alex at a stoplight. "Baby, this is your meeting with your parents. I'm just here for moral support. I'll try not to yell at them. But I might react if they say something harmful."</p>
<p>The prosecutor knew she could only ask so much of her girlfriend. But she also knew this day was going to be extremely difficult and she didn't want more conflict than was necessary. Alex wasn't even sure what she planned to tell her parents, or if she wanted to confront them about everything they'd let happen to her. Nausea tore through her body at an astronomical rate; her heart pounded, and her lungs struggled to oxygenate her aching limbs. Would she regret this? "That's okay, I'd just like to try to be peaceful...at first."</p>
<p>When they pulled up to the house at the top of the hill, Olivia parked the car. "You grew up here?"</p>
<p>"It's beautiful, isn't it?"</p>
<p>Olivia shook her head, eyeing the gigantic cross on the front door and the statue of what looked to be white-washed Jesus on the porch. "I hate it already."</p>
<p>Cabot gestured towards the windshield. "My room is the one above the door."</p>
<p>"Bars on the windows?" the cop questioned, uneasiness building within her as she noted the iron grid adorning the square windows above the front door, a sight akin to a prison cell.</p>
<p>"To keep me from running off and getting into trouble. After Tammy, I used to sneak out in the middle of the night to have ill-advised one-sided sex with questioning Christian schoolgirls. I think they knew, but we never talked about it. One day I came home from school, and they were just there." The blonde watched as Olivia's eyes remained glued to the second floor of the old house that had belonged to the Cabots for generations. "Can we go before I lose my nerve?"</p>
<p>Liv nodded, reaching for her girlfriend's hand. "How do you want me to introduce myself?"</p>
<p>"Can we try to be vague and see what happens?" She bit her lip. She despised any time she asked Olivia to lie for her, to pretend she meant less to her than she did. Referring to the woman as anything other than the love of her life was a gigantic disservice to the brunette and the connection they shared. But Alex didn't currently see another way. "Maybe they'll just want to assume you're a colleague."</p>
<p>"Well, I am a colleague, so that's not a lie. I'm just a colleague you kiss a lot." She smiled, attempting to ease some of the tension evident in Alex's body. "I won't let anything happen to you," the detective added after a moment, studying the other woman's conflicted features. "I have my gun."</p>
<p>It was a compromise Alex had agreed to after Olivia had asked the blonde to allow a few uniformed officers to accompany them to the Cabot residence and she'd refused. "Clearly, they're not my favorite people in the world, but please don't shoot them, Liv. I'm not a defense attorney, and I won't have deniability."</p>
<p>"I was going to make you turn around first." Alex just grunted, the closest thing to a laugh she could muster up, and she pulled her hand away to rub at reddened eyes. "I won't shoot them, I promise," the cop vowed. "But if needed, I won't hesitate to wave around my gun. They should know what it's like to fear for their lives."</p>
<p>"Remember what we talked about?" Alex reminded gently, blown away by the fact that the detective was angrier for her than the lawyer was for herself.</p>
<p>"Right. Calm. Peaceful. Amicable. You need to say your piece, love, and I would never dream of getting in the way of that. I'm only here for if your father gets physically or verbally violent, and to ground you if you're triggered."</p>
<p>"I'm already triggered," she admitted with a sigh, lifting her right hand to show the older woman the shakiness of the appendage as evidence. "But I'm going to keep breathing and remember the feel of your hand in mine. Just like this." She touched her fingers to the brunette's, relieved at the quiet in her mind as they connected, and Alex drew strength from her girlfriend's tenderness. Mr. Drill Sergeant hadn't reared his ugly head all morning, and the drive to the suburban neighborhood had been relatively pleasant until the survivor began recognizing exits—the local Church of Christ, her high school, camping grounds.</p>
<p>Olivia squeezed the blonde's hand once more. "You will get through this."</p>
<p>Alex had no desire to prolong the ordeal. "Alright, let's go ring the doorbell."</p>
<p>Mrs. Cabot smiled upon welcoming her daughter into her childhood home, cordially reaching out to shake the brunette's hand. "This is Olivia," Alex said shyly. "She's one of the detectives from my bureau."</p>
<p>Wilbur Cabot acknowledged her with a curt nod, but did not reach out his hand. Olivia was perfectly fine with this. She probably wouldn't have been able to stop herself from bending it all the way backwards if he'd offered her the opportunity.</p>
<p>After a few minutes of pleasantries, the ADA turned to her girlfriend, who had intentionally sat on the other end of the couch, and Alex longed to close the distance between them, needing her anchor as she began to float away. She planted her feet firmly into the ground, seeing out of the corner of her eye that Olivia was giving her a reassuring look. The youngest of them had come home for a reason, and the quicker she pulled off the band aid, the quicker it would stop hurting. She stood up, and so did the detective, mirroring her actions. The Cabots remained seated. "Mom, Dad, I want to move out of the penthouse."</p>
<p>"Why, dear?" her mother inquired. "You love that penthouse."</p>
<p>"It's a nice place, but…"</p>
<p>Mr. Cabot crossed his arms over his chest. "But what, Alexandra?"</p>
<p>"Well, I want to move in with Olivia."</p>
<p>"Why would you need to do that?" Jean asked, confused. "Don't you spend enough time with these sex detectives?"</p>
<p>"They investigate sexually based offenses, Mom, and I prosecute them." The woman grimaced, and Alex knew it was at the thought of her only child trying such taboo cases. The Cabot matriarch had always encouraged her to join the White-Collar Crime Bureau. "But Olivia isn't just any other detective to me." She saw Liv eye her cautiously as she took a step forward, wanting to shield the brunette from the ramifications of what she was about to say. She couldn't believe she was going to do this, but she'd spent seventeen years locked in the closet of her own mind, and if she were ever going to be truly happy, her parents needed to know who she was, even if they rejected her. She needed to be clear and explicit, leaving no room for doubt as she had as a child whenever she was confronted about her "abnormal proclivities." Alex hated silence now, and she decided she would have shouted her next words into a megaphone if one had been available to her. "I love her, Mom. Dad, Olivia is my girlfriend. We've been dating for almost five months, and I'm very happy with her. I only hope that you can be happy for me."</p>
<p>"Happy?!" The sole man in the room was about as red as a tomato, and he stood up, approaching his daughter, unadulterated disgust evident on his face. "Alexandra Esther Cabot, after all these years, you are still stuck in your sinful ways. We cannot be happy for your deviance. How dare you show up after all this time making demands, and with this...whore at your side?"</p>
<p>"The audacity," Mrs. Cabot chided with a disappointed click of the tongue. "Is this going to be another Tammy situation? Are you going to accuse this woman of rape as well? As if you could be raped by a woman. Alexandra, I thought you'd come around by now."</p>
<p>Now that the secret was out, a shocked Olivia stepped closer to the woman she loved, remaining behind her, but interlacing their fingers in support. They needed to be a united front, and so Benson bore her eyes into the empty ones of the man in front of her, stoking his ire. The older woman could hear the lawyer's agitated breathing as her chest heaved.</p>
<p>She was fuming. But she was more offended for Olivia than she could ever be for herself. The Cabots had chosen Esther for their daughter's middle name due to the biblical character's obedient and passive nature, not to mention her beauty. What they'd forgotten, however, was that the woman evolves into someone who takes a decisive role in her own future and that of her people, who learns to take back control and to make her own choices. "No," she commanded resolutely, and Liv registered that the woman she loved had never used the word so confidently, without an ounce of hesitation. "You do not get to say that about Olivia. She is good and pure, and she has never laid a finger on me, which can't be said for your precious Pastor Paul! Is he still leading baptism classes? God, I can't wait until the moment he drops dead."</p>
<p>"Alexandra!" The palm of the eldest Cabot's left hand met Alex's face more quickly than the attorney could dodge the hit, and before she could process the pain in her right cheek, Olivia was in front of her, shielding her, as her fist made contact with the side of Wilbur's face.</p>
<p>"Mr. Cabot," Olivia heaved, restraining the man's hands behind his back, "you just assaulted an ADA in front of an NYPD Detective, which I'm sure you know is a serious crime. Alex, do you want to press charges? I can get the local DV squad down here." Alex's mind was reeling. She didn't know what to say, didn't know if she was capable of saying anything. She gazed at her mom—who remained wordlessly on the couch, her eyes wide and her lips pressed together in a thin line—waiting for a reaction, but none came.</p>
<p>"You'd better think carefully about this, Hurricane Alexandra," the man sneered, spitting a drop of blood from his lip. "There will be consequences for your actions, and that's a fact."</p>
<p>Tears had come to her eyes, and her cheek felt like it had been stung by a hundred bees simultaneously, but that pain didn't even begin to compare to the repressed betrayal, destroyed trust, and warranted resentment that bubbled up to the surface of the blonde's skin like hot magma, the scorching substance burning everything unlucky enough to be in its path. Today, that included Jean and Wilbur Cabot.</p>
<p>Suddenly, little—nerdy, weird, late blooming, crazy, cries all the time—Alex Cabot was no longer allowing herself to be reduced to rumors and slander. The woman who had only minutes ago asked her girlfriend to be friendly to her abusive parents had exploded the box she'd been trapped in and, without a second thought, she began showing her father the consequences of his own actions. "You want to talk about facts, Daddy? Well, here are some for you. I was raped at eleven-years-old. Pastor Paul mutilated me, Daddy. You let him do that, you did! You didn't believe me, so I went to someone I thought I could trust four years later. And it happened again. You didn't believe me then either. You sent me to that horrible camp knowing it was teeming with people who were just itching to have authority over vulnerable kids. You want more facts? Your words don't scare me, Daddy. I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm a successful attorney, doing something that I love, and I'm with a woman that I love and who loves me. Can you believe it, Daddy? She loves me." Liv's eyes met the blonde's as the younger woman's lower lip continued to quiver. She took in a cleansing breath and continued her rant, shifting her gaze to her father as she reamed him out and made him feel as small as he'd made her feel. "I'm willing to give up the Cabot lifestyle for that. It's all for show anyway. None of you are genuinely happy. Take me out of the will if you want. I don't care. And look at you, Mom, standing there submissively while your husband yells at me, yet again. Have you forgotten that I'm your daughter? Have you forgotten that I'm a person? Truthfully, mother, I pity you. I have love with Olivia. I have safety. Companionship. I have a partner in life. What do you have—a master?" She punctuated every word sharply, for the first time making it known that she was aware of exactly who her father was. "A heartless, sanctimonious, self-righteous, sorry excuse for a man, who gets his kicks by putting women down. You of all people should be happy for me, Mom. I escaped this existence, I escaped him, and I did it without an ounce of help from you."</p>
<p>Wilbur Cabot began struggling in Olivia's grasp, but he was no match for the detective's rage. "Alex, what do you want to do, love?"</p>
<p>"C'mon, let's just go. They're not worth it." Alex was done. Done with the lies and the abuse, the gaslighting and the fear. But most of all, she was done with wasting energy hoping against hope that one day, her parents would come around. That they would finally see her.</p>
<p>Olivia began following her girlfriend's lead, using herself as a human shield and backing up towards the front door, keeping her eyes trained on the man who trembled in anger. When she'd retreated far enough, she felt the other woman place her hand on her hip, squeezing lightly, and Benson intertwined their fingers. She'd need to get her out of the house so she could examine her face and her psyche. The grounding touch between them would have to do for a few more moments.</p>
<p>The SVU detective had fully intended to let Alex voice whatever she wanted to her parents, and she had, but now that the encounter was ending, the brunette had some words of her own. Amicable, calm, and peaceful be damned. Wilbur had lost that right when he'd attacked his daughter. "Mr. Cabot, if you ever think about coming near Alex again, I want you to remember that you assaulted an Assistant District Attorney, and a seasoned SVU detective witnessed it. I'll always remember that, and so will Alex. Your amazing daughter, who I love more than you could ever even imagine, is safe now, no thanks to either of you, but she will never forget your treatment of her. She deserved so much better." She stepped threateningly to both Cabot elders after squeezing Alex's fingers reassuringly, and she hovered dangerously close to the man's face, confident he wouldn't try anything again. She let her eyes meet both older adults', scrunching up her face in abhorrence. "I hope your shame eats you both alive."</p>
<p>As they walked out the door, Jean Cabot gave her daughter a look that vaguely resembled regret.</p>
<p>As soon as Liv had slammed the driver's side door, she turned to her girlfriend, whose skull was leaning against the head rest, her eyes closed tightly as she focused on breathing.</p>
<p>"Are you okay, love?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Yeah, that was a stupid question. Can I see your cheek, sweetheart?" She reached her hand out for the far side of Alex's face, but the blonde flinched away before her fingers could make contact.</p>
<p>Her nails dug mercilessly into her thighs and tears began to flow freely down her face, her head shaking from side to side vigorously. Even the air around the house held memories. "Liv, get me out of here please. Now."</p>
<p>Olivia hated the thought that something she'd done had caused this reaction. She turned the key in the ignition, and put the vehicle into reverse, still observing her girlfriend with her right eye. "Did I scare you...when I hit your father?"</p>
<p>"Liv, you were defending me," Alex sighed, her grip on her pants loosening just barely. "It's not like you approached a random stranger and punched him in the face. I'm not afraid of you. It's just...this house. It smells the same. It looks the same. I feel disgusting."</p>
<p>Olivia turned onto the main road, noticing the frantic beating of her own heart. So much had happened so quickly, and Alex wasn't improving swiftly enough for her comfort. "Hey, stay with me, Al. No one's going to touch you or hurt you, okay? You're with me, baby."</p>
<p>The blonde nodded slowly, swallowing hard as she blinked her eyes open and willed herself to focus on Olivia's eyes through the rearview mirror. They were directed at the road, but the expression in them was all for the ADA. "My own parents think I'm a sexual deviant with no morals. Meanwhile, their best friend spent years abusing little girls under the guise of religiosity, and my only crime is loving you."</p>
<p>"That's not a crime," the cop declared confidently, turning onto a main road and sighing in relief when the uninjured side of Alex's face—the one that she could see—began to regain color. "What we have, Al, is beautiful. It's not dirty or disgusting."</p>
<p>"I usually believe that. But the look on their faces when I told them—I don't know what I expected, but it still hurts so much."</p>
<p>Alex's crying didn't concern Benson in the same way her panicked breathing and trembling muscles did, but the sight of it was just as heartbreaking. She'd been making so much progress with allowing herself to feel emotions, but it still took a lot for the prosecutor to cry openly, and without even the need for blinking. Liv knew she'd only cry like this if she felt safe, and she intended to keep Alex thinking about that. The brunette reached out her hand towards the younger woman, laying it palm up over the center console and humming quietly in invitation. She was surprised—but soothed—when Alex gripped onto the lifeline. "Just focus on this. Does this feel wrong?"</p>
<p>"No, sweetie. It feels…" Her crystal blues lingered on their intertwined fingers, and Alex took her first easy breath since they'd originally left the highway. "I feel like I was born to love you," she whispered, acknowledging the truth in her words. If this was wrong, if looking at Olivia and wanting nothing more than to make a life with her, to hold her and kiss her, and—maybe one day—make love to her, if the warmth that began with their connected digits and spread to the top of her head and to the tips of her toes was wrong, then Alex didn't want to be right. She nodded in response to the thought, bringing their hands up to her own lips and kissing the knuckles that had made contact with her father's face.</p>
<p>Alex's eyes widened in confusion when the other woman pulled into a shopping complex. "Why are we going through a McDonald's drive thru?"</p>
<p>"Ice," she explained softly, rolling down her window.</p>
<p>"Can I get ice in a bag with some napkins, and," she paused, scanning the menu for a moment, "a large Dr. Pepper?" She turned to her girlfriend. "I don't like the idea of not buying something if I go through here. Do you want something, Al?"</p>
<p>"You think I'm going to order something at McDonald's? I may be injured and frazzled, but I'm still me, Liv." The grin actually reached her eyes. "Thank you though."</p>
<p>When she pulled up to the next window, Olivia handed over a couple bills and smiled. "Do you think I can also have a large cup of water, no ice?" After it was handed to her, she placed the cold cup into the drink holder. "It'll help your body come down from fight-or-flight."</p>
<p>"I've always been a freezer."</p>
<p>"Not anymore." Olivia was still processing how impressed she'd been with the other woman's composure and eloquence in the face of such trauma and dismissal. "Turns out when human Alex and attorney Alex join forces, they're pretty unstoppable."</p>
<p>Cabot took a sip of the water, relishing in the feeling of it sliding down her parched throat as the brunette drove towards the intersection. "Yeah, tell that to my face. I think I'm bleeding. His wedding ring must have scratched me."</p>
<p>"Turn your cheek for just a second." Liv couldn't help but grimace at the sight. "Yeah, sweetie, there is a little blood. Here." She rummaged through the paper bag the cashier had given her and produced a brown napkin. "Hold some pressure with this."</p>
<p>Minutes later, Olivia turned into a parking lot around the corner from the McDonald's.</p>
<p>"Are you not taking me home?" Alex asked, puzzled, dropping the napkin from her face. What was with all these stops?</p>
<p>Before she answered, Liv simply smiled for a moment, noting the significance of Alex calling the apartment "home." "Of course I am. I just think the park will help ground you. Have you ever been here before?"</p>
<p>"No. It must be relatively new."</p>
<p>"Perfect." A new destination meant no traumatic memories. "We have a long drive ahead of us, and I want to get a good look at your face and prevent some swelling if possible. But it's completely up to you. Straight home or break in the park?"</p>
<p>"It is a nice day," the attorney reasoned with herself, the elephant on her chest finally stopping its assault on her heart and lungs. "And nobody is here."</p>
<p>"That's what I thought," Liv agreed, taking off her seatbelt and turning fully to face her girlfriend, reaching out tentatively to brush some hair out of her face. Alex released a single tear at the touch, but she pressed her hand over Olivia's to communicate that she was okay. "And we can leave at any point if you decide you just want to go home."</p>
<p>The attorney gave her a nod and they both exited the car, Liv reaching into the center console for a first aid kit, and then she led the younger woman to a bench, handing her the cup of water she'd been sipping on, and carefully tucking blonde hair behind her ear to expose her injured cheek.</p>
<p>"I think the bleeding's stopped," she observed, "so let's focus on ice first. Is that okay?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, that's fine. You don't have to ask me if it's okay, Liv."</p>
<p>"No, baby," Olivia asserted, intentionally keeping her voice soft as she gingerly rested the napkin-wrapped bag of ice against Alex's cheek. "Asking is the least I can do. Are you in pain?"</p>
<p>Cabot reached her hand up to take over holding the ice against her face, wincing at the pressure. "It feels like my whole face is throbbing. It wasn't a closed fist, but he hit me hard, Liv."</p>
<p>"I saw, sweetie," the detective validated gently, smoothing over her hair with a tender hand. "I'm so sorry. Has he hit you before?"</p>
<p>"Only once. When I first told him about Pastor Paul."</p>
<p>Benson's memory was triggered as she guided Alex's hand to pull away the ice for a moment to give the other woman a break from the cold. "You said something about him still teaching baptism classes."</p>
<p>"Yeah," she sighed. "He'd be kissing seventy now if he's still doing it. I heard talk of him retiring a few years ago, but I'm not sure. Liv, I know you want to look into this, and I'm not going to stop you, but there's a limit to how much I can take, especially when the clock won't run out, but the evidence is long gone. Same goes for Tammy. Rape three would be the max charge even if there was evidence, and that statute is long gone. Find your peace with it, I get it. I do feel a responsibility to protect future victims, but right now I'm just too overwhelmed to even think about it. It just still hurts too much. If that makes me a hypocrite—"</p>
<p>"Shhh, sweetheart," Olivia cooed, regretting bringing it up when her girlfriend was already so exhausted. "I just couldn't turn off cop brain for a second there. I'm right here with you, okay? It's just me and you. We can drop this."</p>
<p>"You can tell me what you find, but...I'm not ready to commit to anything."</p>
<p>"We can continue this conversation later on if we need to, but I want to take care of you first. Let's take a few deep breaths. How's your cheek feel?"</p>
<p>Alex slid off her shoes and buried her toes in the grass, knowing physical contact with nature to be an unbelievable stress reliever. "With the ice, the cut hurts more than the bruise I'm sure is already forming, but neither is unbearable." She wanted to focus on the sensation of the wind on her skin, of Liv's hand continuously grounding her, on the smells of the fresh air, and on the sounds of the great outdoors. But there was an undeniable sting moving through her face—and through her heart.</p>
<p>Liv gave her a sad smile. "I hate that you're in more pain."</p>
<p>The Assistant DA sighed, holding the ice to her face as she bit her lip anxiously. Her father's words lingered in her mind, her drill sergeant taking part in the never-ending criticism. Why did Mr. Cabot see her as such a monster? And it had started when she was so young. If she weren't gay—No. Maybe it were true that if she weren't gay, her abuse would have been different. Maybe Tammy would have left her alone, and maybe Pastor Paul wouldn't have been asked to intervene, but the pull that had led her to Olivia's door had saved her life, and it would have done so even without the sexual abuse. Because the Ice Queen wasn't born out of abuse, she was born out of neglect. Her sexuality was her biggest curse and her greatest gift. "I never did tell you why I was alone with Pastor Paul that day, did I?"</p>
<p>"You said it was baptism class, right?"</p>
<p>"Well, yes, but it wasn't my choice to be there." The brunette pulled the ice away from the younger woman's face one more time, deciding to give it a longer break from the cold, nodding to encourage her to continue. "I had a sleepover with one of the only friends I had as a child. My parents didn't approve of the friendship at first because her family wasn't religious. Eventually my father got them to join our church, so then I was allowed to stay the night. Cassandra Burr. She was my first crush. Her parents caught us cuddling in bed and they told my father. He was so angry with me. Said he always knew I was a deviant. He yelled for hours. He decided it was time for my baptism and forced me to get a talking to from Pastor Paul about sin. Instead of talking, he just tried to fix me."</p>
<p>Liv's brow furrowed. Was this encounter a planned "conversion?" Is that what Alex had meant when she'd told her father that he'd let Paul mutilate her? "Like he tried to turn you straight?"</p>
<p>"That's what he told me, at least." She remained quiet for a moment, both women letting themselves process in the silence. "I threw out my dress," she murmured weakly.</p>
<p>"What's that, love?" Olivia placed a bandage over the cut on her girlfriend's face.</p>
<p>"My Baptism dress," she clarified. The one she'd put on after she'd been dunked, something that in and of itself had terrified her. "As soon as we got home, I cut it into pieces and threw it away. My father was so mad, I had to tell him."</p>
<p>Olivia laid her head on Alex's shoulder, wrapping an arm around her. "Baby, I'm so sorry. I wish I could go back, find that sweet little girl, and save her from all this."</p>
<p>"Liv, I wouldn't be who I am without all this."</p>
<p>"That doesn't matter." Benson lifted her head. "You wouldn't be ashamed of laughing, of feeling, of loving me, though that thought is so unbelievably selfish."</p>
<p>"It's not," the attorney argued. "You deserve to be with someone who's proud to be by your side."</p>
<p>"I don't know if you saw yourself in there," Olivia began, languidly moving her fingers through light yellow hair, "but it looked like pride to me. You really held your own, my sweet. You've come so far already, and you are so incredibly brave."</p>
<p>"Look at me, honey." Alex held up her hand, just like earlier. "I'm still shaking. It's pathetic. I was terrified of an old man."</p>
<p>"Sweetheart, your father assaulted you today," she pointed out. "You were understandably scared. But you stood up for yourself anyway. Bravery doesn't imply the absence of fear. In fact, bravery requires fear in order to exist. You're my hero."</p>
<p>Gratitude overwhelmed Alex in that moment, and she just couldn't comprehend the compassion that was practically coming out of Olivia's pores. Her voice broke as she breathed, "I love you."</p>
<p>"I love you more. C'mon, sweetheart. Let's go home."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: This has by far been my favorite chapter to write up until now. More than ever, I'd love to know what you all think. And—as the story will be 45 chapters, we are officially at the halfway point. So much will happen between now and then!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.</p><p>Here is Chapter 23! Thank you all for the beautiful response on the previous chapter. My second favorite thing (after writing this story) is having conversations with you all about it. I could talk about these characters and these plotlines forever, so feel free to reach out in comments/PM or through social media.</p><p>Baseline trigger warnings in this chapter. Nothing too explicit, I don't think. The only thing I'd like to mention is a brief discussion of unwanted arousal/orgasm and what that means for reclaiming sex.</p><p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p><p>Chapter 23</p><p> </p><p>"I was going to ask about how talking to your parents went, but I'm obligated to ask about the injury to your face."</p><p>Alex felt Olivia stiffen beside her in the therapist's office, and immediately she knew that Liv had reacted as if the statement on Kimani's part had been an accusation, which it very well may have been. Both women knew that health care providers were mandatory reporters, and if Kimani suspected that Cabot was being abused by an intimate partner, she was obligated to report it to the appropriate authorities, which ironically in this case, would have been Olivia's squad.</p><p>Instinctually, the ADA's hand jumped to the other's woman's thigh, squeezing in comfort. The LMFT's facial expression was not at all judgmental or suspicious in nature; it was open, yet serious, and even if Kimani was asking Alex if Olivia had been the one to hurt her, Alex needed to assure her girlfriend that she knew that would never, ever be a possibility. So, she held the grip on the brunette's leg for several extended seconds, giving a soft smile to Kimani as she cuddled into Benson's side. The therapist didn't know them well yet, and it made perfect sense that she'd be careful around this particular relationship. Alex appreciated the woman's thoroughness, but she knew that it pained the person she loved to think that anyone would assume she was capable of this atrocious type of violence. "Well," she said quietly, grimacing at Liv's flinch when Kimani eyed her, "your second question is the answer to your first question. My father hit me. But Olivia was amazing and kept me safe, and she took care of me afterwards."</p><p>Kimani nodded, her posture relaxing as she observed her two clients easily interact with one another physically, each of them eager to comfort the other in the midst of the rather uncomfortable line of questioning. Based on the information she'd been given from the SVU Detective in their previous session, she did not actually think that Liv had been the perpetrator of the hand-shaped yellowing bruise on her younger client's face, but it was her job to be sure. The woman had seen more than her share of domestic violence in couples that came to her for services. "Do you think your father could hurt you again?"</p><p>Alex shook her head, moving her hand to wrap itself around Olivia's, letting out a breath of relief as she came to the conclusion that the cop wouldn't have to suffer through any more of this hurtful—but reasonable—questioning. "No, Liv threatened him with legal action, even though I don't want to press charges, and having a record—after having a higher win/lose ratio than me—would ruin him. He loves himself more than he hates me. I did get to yell at him though, so it kind of made it worth it."</p><p>"I'm sorry that this meeting didn't go well, but it sounds like you have a supportive partner in Olivia, and you two were together able to make your feelings known."</p><p>The attorney nodded, residual uneasiness moving through her abdomen. "Can I just say something, for the record?" Kimani nodded to encourage her to continue, and Olivia turned her head, perplexed. "I know why you asked me about this bruise, and I appreciate your obligation to do so, but…" The older woman's heart sank into her stomach. What was Alex going to say? The blonde was unsure if it was her place to share this, but they'd glossed over much of it during their first session, and Kimani needed to know—at least vaguely—what had made Olivia bristle at the slightest uncertainty around her treatment of her girlfriend. "So, Liv mentioned last week that she's afraid of taking advantage of me, that she is incredibly careful when it comes to making sure she has consent, even when the touch is inherently non-sexual."</p><p>Kimani bobbed her head up and down, remembering this part of their conversation. "Well, afraid is an understatement. I know that even thinking about the idea of being any kind of violent with me is nauseating for her. So, when you asked about my face…" She trailed off.</p><p>"Olivia, I apologize if I've made you upset," the woman said gently.</p><p>Benson shook her head. "It's fine. I'm grateful that you care enough to ask. I'm just a little sensitive about it." She was unsure at first if she wanted her girlfriend to share this information with Kimani, but she knew she'd only share necessary information, and she was just trying to look out for her. She would leave the details of the brunette's conception out of this because that was Liv's story to tell, not hers.</p><p>"What I wanted to say for the record," Alex resumed her statement, "is that Olivia is the kindest, gentlest, least violent person I've ever met. But she experiences these things as sort of a microaggression, and it's triggering for her. Is there a way we can be careful around talking about things like this? She would never hurt me, and I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I've seen eyes that are capable of violence." She gazed at the watery orbs that bore into hers and spoke of love with no effort day in and day out. "And that's not Olivia."</p><p>Kimani nodded again. "Absolutely. I'll add it to my notes. And Olivia, if you ever want to discuss this more, I think it would be a good idea."</p><p>The detective grunted in acknowledgement, but said nothing, quickly wiping away a few errant tears.</p><p>"This is so important to me," Alex added when she realized Liv wasn't going to speak, "because I'm fairly sure my father was at least verbally abusive to my mother. I have much of my childhood blocked out, but I do remember her attitude towards him being very submissive and toxically deferential, like she wasn't a full person. And the things that my father said and claimed to support—I couldn't imagine Liv even considering them on her worst day. Sometimes I feel bad for my mother," she continued, pondering the thoughts that had been haunting her since the confrontation several days earlier. "She's sort of a victim of her own belief system. But it's not my job to rescue her. I'm her child. She should have kept me safe. And she never did."</p><p>"I think that's an incredibly wise observation, Alex." Both of the other women nodded at her in approval, and she felt Olivia's arm encircle her shoulders to hold her close for a few moments, a proud gesture. "I admire your empathy to feel for her to some extent, but it shows a growing level of respect for yourself that you can also acknowledge what you experienced as neglect and inadequate protection."</p><p>The compliment made the blonde blush, and the truth of Kimani's words caused the uneasy feeling that had dissipated over time to engulf her once again. "Can we move on?"</p><p>"Sure. What would you like to discuss today?"</p><p>Olivia cleared her throat, placing the hand that had previously been squeezing Alex's upper arm onto her own lap, before leaning forward. "I actually had something. A question—something I wanted to talk to Alex about, but I think it might go better if we do it here."</p><p>Cabot was confused. Why would they need a mediator for this? What did Liv want to speak about? She noticed her heart skip a beat as Kimani gestured for the detective to proceed.</p><p>"Sweetheart,"—Alex hated it when Olivia started a statement like that because it reminded her that she was fragile, like maybe she needed to be treated with kid gloves—"I need you to be honest about this, okay? I won't be upset. Do you actually want to have sex with me?"</p><p>The younger woman blinked hard. If the tone of the question hadn't been enough to make her uncomfortable, the content of it certainly was. "Why are you asking me that? I've told you that I do."</p><p>"I know," she conceded, lowering her voice into an emotional whisper and swiveling her body to face Alex at a forty-five-degree angle. "But it's always been in the midst of a bigger conversation, and I wanted an explicit answer."</p><p>As time went on, Alex's understanding of Liv grew exponentially, and something she'd realized about her was that within her existed her own drill sergeant, one that constantly poked at her and claimed that she couldn't be confident enough that the blonde felt safe with her. It just wasn't possible. And another problematic claim he made was that Alex was lying about wanting the detective, something that the younger woman had absolutely done before, but unless she was in the middle of earthshattering panic, believing that Benson was going to leave her, her desire for the woman she loved was entirely genuine. Liv's vulnerability moved Alex in this moment, and though she'd been a little perturbed when the anxious woman had first asked the question—yet again—it reminded her that this was a give and take, and that Olivia's concerns, though not usually founded in fact, were valid. "I promise, baby. It's something I want to work towards. I'm just worried I'm never going to feel safe with someone touching me, but that's not your fault."</p><p>"I know it's not, but I also know that you've used unhealthy sex practices in order to ensure you have a warm body to sleep next to at night," Olivia carefully pointed out, continuing before Alex could successfully interrupt. "I know I'm different."</p><p>Olivia was different.</p><p>"I know I'm different," she repeated, "and our relationship is so much more then sex, and it always will be, but when you're having a bad day, I see you revert back to the coping mechanisms that have served you in the past. It's not always conscious, but…we've talked about me checking in sometimes for my own sanity, yeah?"</p><p>Alex nodded, her heart slowing in response to information that told her Olivia didn't think she was lying to her on a daily basis, she just needed assurance to quell the uncertainties that plagued her. The ADA was willing to speak of the love and want she had for her girlfriend forever, but Liv was right that once in a while, she did experience enough terror to beg the woman not to leave her, in the process offering her "anything she wanted." It wasn't common, as the woman had acknowledged, but the incidence of it, though decreasing in frequency, was still more than coincidental. "If I ever express hesitation about our physical relationship, sweetie, it's because what I want and what I'm ready for don't line up, and that's incredibly frustrating for me. I will always have fears. I will always struggle with my sense of safety. But I'm going to try my hardest to be honest with you about those things in the moment because that's what you deserve. The truth is I feel safer than I used to. But I don't currently feel safe when I think about being touched in a sexual way."</p><p>Kimani decided to interject, wanting to keep the conversation between the two women moving forward in a productive manner. "What about sex makes you feel unsafe?"</p><p>Alex decided to correct her. "Sex doesn't make me feel unsafe."</p><p>"Sorry, let me be more specific. What about receiving sexual pleasure makes you feel unsafe?"</p><p>"I've never..." She hesitated. This is why they were in therapy, she reminded herself, to provide themselves with a guided space to have these discussions. "I've never felt...I mean..."</p><p>"Go ahead, Alex," Kimani encouraged. "You're doing great."</p><p>"I'm right here," Liv coaxed the woman she loved, reaching out to intertwine their fingers again for the first time since the brunette had asked her girlfriend to be honest, using such earnest eyes and such tender words. "You don't have to censor yourself for me, my love."</p><p>"I've only ever been touched against my will," she voiced something Olivia already knew and Kimani suspected to some degree. "I have no idea what it's like even."</p><p>"So, it's fear of the unknown?"</p><p>"Yeah. I mean. What if it feels the same as with Tammy?"</p><p>"Your abuser when you were fifteen?"</p><p>"Yes." She forced herself to meet the detective's eyes again, and the woman was studying her with such intensity that her pupils met the floor in an instant, the sight of a barely more than microscopic insect feebly walking across the vast expanse of carpet catching her attention. Where was he going? And did he know he'd likely never get there? "What if I just can't, and I disappoint Olivia?"</p><p>The sex therapist was used to speaking with clients who attempted to obfuscate, intentionally using euphemisms or being willfully vague. But part of moving past shame was uttering aloud words that induced the feeling. "What if you just can't...?"</p><p>Alex's face turned beet red as her girlfriend's hand gripped onto hers, the brunette knowing what she was attempting to say and offering support. "I...what if I can't, you know, climax? What if I could with Tammy, and I can't with Olivia? What does that say about me?"</p><p>Benson couldn't allow Kimani to answer in a way that she wasn't satisfied with, so she offered up her own response. "I think it says that your body did an awfully good job protecting itself."</p><p>"That's bullshit, Liv." Alex didn't mean to snap at her, but Olivia tended to pull comforting phrases out of a hat, and though the blonde knew she believed her words whole-heartedly, the fact that it still sounded like a fucking Hallmark card agitated her. "It says that what Tammy did met the algorithm my body needed. And since I could never let someone touch me like that again, then there really isn't any hope."</p><p>The prosecutor knew this claim wasn't based in fact. It was rooted entirely in emotions, in fear, in insecurity. As soon as the words escaped her, the detective's kind counterargument to countless victims began playing on loop in her mind.</p><p>It is an involuntary physiological response.</p><p>It doesn't mean you liked it.</p><p>And it definitely doesn't mean you consented.</p><p>It is an involuntary physiological response.</p><p>It doesn't mean—</p><p>Benson hadn't continued to speak, so Kimani took the wheel, wanting to offer perspective without invalidating Alex. " I see why you believe what you do, and Olivia's offered a widely accepted explanation, but Alex, if what makes sense to you is that some algorithm was met—which is possible since orgasm is a response to sexual stimulation and not necessarily pleasure or consent—what I want you to understand here is that the vast majority of us have more than one possible algorithm."</p><p>"But if I'm not ready to figure out what those other algorithms are—" She cut herself off, not wanting to go there.</p><p>"Alex, can I ask you a question?" The lawyer nodded, giving the other woman permission to follow a hunch. "Worst case scenario—you can't reach orgasm. Why, in your mind, is that awful?"</p><p>"I don't want to disappoint Olivia."</p><p>"Olivia, would Alex being unable to reach orgasm disappoint you?"</p><p>"No. All I want is for her to feel safe." The brunette pivoted her body even farther in her girlfriend's direction, gingerly nudging her chin upwards so that their eyes would meet, and Liv waited a few seconds for the compassion Cabot would find there to have its desired effect, Alex melting into her and latching onto the hand that now rested on her uninjured cheek. "For you to feel safe. It's all a process. It doesn't have to happen the first time. Or ever, even. I mean, you're afraid you're gonna disappoint me—that's not why I want you to be invested in this. I want you to want it for yourself. Because you deserve to feel good and to feel safe and to feel taken care of. It has nothing to do with me at all."</p><p>Kimani had been nodding along as her older client spoke. "Alex, what does that bring up for you?"</p><p>Her pools of love seemed to go on forever, and the deeper into her eyes Alex looked, the more love she saw. Even her drill sergeant yielded his time to the volumes being spoken straight from Olivia's heart. "I'm still uneasy, but a lot of the pressure is gone."</p><p>"What I'm trying to demonstrate for you both," the therapist explained, "is that it's clear each of you wants to communicate with the other, and though I'm happy to facilitate to some extent, some of these conversations have to occur outside of this room for you to progress. I want you to continue your touch exercises, but if you're not already discussing them before and after, it is really important that you do that. Plan tentatively what's going to happen before, and then talk about what went well and what didn't after. Give feedback to each other, and take note of what's comfortable and what's not, and we can always debrief together."</p><p>It was past sundown by the time they got home, and Olivia had opted to pick up some food on the way, the attorney pleasantly surprising her by requesting Chinese food and putting in a specific order. After they'd eaten, they showered, and the brunette found her girlfriend reading a law journal in the bed they now shared. "Do you want to do some homework tonight?" she asked after looking up, the older woman smiling softly as she situated herself under the comforter.</p><p>She opened up her arms for Alex eventually. "I'd rather just hold you. Is that okay?"</p><p>Cabot happily placed herself in the police officer's embrace, an involuntary grimace leaving her when the other woman's fingers lightly grazed the sore skin of her right cheek, the anticipation of it worse than the pain.</p><p>"Still tender?" Olivia asked, her fingers hovering tantalizingly over beckoning warmth.</p><p>"Only a little," the prosecutor replied, not wanting this fact to put a stop to their closeness. "You can touch me though."</p><p>When she did, Alex sighed, overcome by the feeling that Liv was once again holding back, treating her like the fragile mug from Spain she'd gifted her all those months ago, the impossible care of the moment simultaneously calming her and frustrating her to no end. "Can I ask you for something?" She continued when she received a nod, the other woman's hand moving to tangle its fingers into light hair. "I see those wheels turning in your beautiful mind, sweetie. You're still trying to dance around my trauma. Liv, you know what happened to me. It permeates my entire life, and hopefully it won't always be that way, but for now, the only way to avoid it is for you to not touch me at all and always be careful with what you say. And I desperately don't want that. You deserve to give me a hug without questioning it. I'm not saying don't ask first, I just hate the idea of you feeling like you need to debate the wisdom of a kiss. I don't want you to burn out."</p><p>"I won't burn out."</p><p>"Yes, you will," Alex insisted. "I'm not the only one who should be getting something out of therapy. I want to support you too. I want to learn how to address triggers immediately so that they don't become flashbacks or panic attacks. The responsibility shouldn't lie completely on you."</p><p>Benson rolled completely onto her back, allowing the woman she loved to lie her head on her chest, one hand moving in measured lines up and down from her shoulder blades to her hips and the other continuing to massage Alex's perpetually tender scalp. "So, what do you need from me, sweetheart?"</p><p>"You know how our packet talked about body awareness?" Another nod of understanding. "I want to practice really being in tune with myself and paying attention to what I'm feeling."</p><p>"Is that what you're doing right now?"</p><p>Alex nodded, swallowing thickly. "Your hand…on my back is soft and gentle, and it feels good," she added, breathing deeply and fighting a blush. "Our feet rubbing against each other is soothing. It's intimate and sweet, and it makes me feel safe."</p><p>Olivia pressed her lips into the blonde's hair. "Keep going," she whispered, on the next upstroke with her right hand, letting her fingertips meet the healing bruise that called out to her for acknowledgement and healing.</p><p>"The way your fingers move against my cheek is reverent almost, at least it feels that way. It's like you're telling me you love me with each caress. When I give in, it just feels…perfect." She laughed quietly after a few moments of silence. "I guess this turned into a touch exercise."</p><p>"Your body isn't so tense against me anymore," Liv noted with a hum. "I'm feeling you surrender to the connection, rather than fighting it."</p><p>"Your touch is healing, Liv," she told her softly, entangling their fingers together and resting them against Olivia's heart. "Every time I get nervous or feel like I'm dirty, your love sets me straight."</p><p>A gentle kiss to her nose. "Correction, my sweet. My love sets you gay."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you, as always, for reading and sharing your thoughts. A bit of a time jump in the next chapter. Stay safe, and remember—history has its eyes on you!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 24, which I feel is a logical continuation of the events of Chapters 22 and 23, though note that there is a time jump, with this chapter taking place in mid-December. (Chapter 23 took place in October) Trigger warnings may apply here, so let me know if you think of anything specific that I should add.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 24</p><p>Halloween came and went, and there was radio silence from Kressler. Alex wondered if this meant she could relax about the motion to dismiss she’d been expecting or if this meant the defense attorney had something more formidable up his sleeve. Only time would tell, and the prosecutor reminded herself to breathe through the uncertainty and take each day as it came.</p><p>November brought the blonde two victories, as Holmes and O’Doherty were both convicted of their respective crimes and given sentences that Cabot thought were sufficient. SVU continued to work, and Alex received new cases, most of them ones the woman considered more than winnable, which was great for her fragile ego that was still wounded after Barnett, and it gave her ammunition against her drill sergeant when he decided to remind the ADA about the less than favorable odds she was facing with the D’Agostino case. </p><p>Olivia was her constant. There to congratulate her after another guilty verdict to add to her winning streak, and there to comfort her when a problematic defense motion was granted, and she felt less competent than someone with her conviction rate should ever feel. It wasn’t a secret that no DA that had worked with SVU could even hold a candle to the amount of indictments that Alex was able to turn into hard jail time, but still, imposter syndrome was always nipping at her heels, and though she always remained poised on the outside, human Alex was constantly one acquittal away from cataclysmic self-doubt. One of the prices of feeling—you don’t get to pick and choose what you feel.</p><p>"The pictures from the holiday party arrived,” Alex announced as she walked into the living room where Liv was sitting, a rare pep in her step. “I want to pick the best one and put it in a frame." </p><p>She stood next to the brunette, and Olivia sat up more fully, wrapping an arm around the younger woman’s waist as she began to go through the photos. In a turn of events Benson truly was not expecting, Alex had announced that going to the party would be a good idea, citing the fact that the entire SVU squad now knew about their relationship. The women had decided that they would keep this information close—to avoid potential conflicts of interest and also because the ADA was still semi-self-conscious about so publicly dating another woman—but everyone on the team had reacted positively to  finding out the detective and the attorney were an item—though Elliot and Cragen already knew—and Alex had reaped the benefits by actually enjoying the party and happily posing for a few photos with Olivia when Fin had offered. </p><p>The older woman smiled, understanding the significance of the person she loved wanting to display a photo of them together. It would be the first photo of Alex the cop had ever seen; there were none to be found in the Cabots’ home and none hung up on the walls of the prosecutor’s old penthouse. “I love that idea.” Liv held her girlfriend close as she sat on the arm of the couch, settling on a picture of the two of them cheek-to-cheek and grinning at the camera.</p><p>“I like this one,” Alex murmured, turning to Olivia. “What do you think?”</p><p>Benson nodded, her pointer finger tracing the two-dimensional features of Cabot’s face. "You looked so beautiful that day. I mean, you always look beautiful, but..."</p><p>“Ditto.” Alex smiled. “I’ll buy a frame tomorrow.” She slid off the arm of the chair and onto the couch, positioning herself so she was practically cradled in Liv’s lap, reaching up to cup her cheek with a tender hand. “Did you have a good day?” she murmured into her girlfriend’s lips as the brunette dipped her head lower so their noses could bump against one another affectionately.</p><p>Olivia hummed. “It’s better now,” she mused, guiding Alex’s lips to hers by the chin, both women smiling into the embrace.</p><p>It was getting easier. </p><p>Benson had become more likely to initiate physical contact over the past couple of months, and the attorney had gotten better at asking to do touch exercises and at overall communication with her girlfriend. Progress was a process, but it was one that continued to chug along, day by day, second by second, and each kiss, each declaration of love or request for support illustrated that.</p><p>Cabot pulled back just barely from the kiss after a few moments, her fingertips dancing along the brunette’s cheek. "Do you want to do this as a touch exercise?"</p><p>The detective nodded with a gentle smile, her fingers interlocking with each other over Alex’s waist as the younger woman leaned her head against her shoulder. "Sure. It occurred to me we haven’t done much work with the skin-to-skin touches. What do you think?”</p><p>“Yeah, that sounds good,” she agreed, a nimble pointer finger running across the length of Olivia’s collar bone.</p><p>She shifted on the couch, keeping the other woman securely in her arms. Any chance she got to be close to her girlfriend was a gift, something she was grateful for, but she would never dismiss the importance of having these conversations, of ensuring that they both were comfortable with what they were about to do. And the more intimate the exercises got, the more discernment they required. "Would you want to take off your shirt, but leave your bra on?”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.” Alex sighed, breathing deeply to banish the anxiety that was threatening to overpower her confidence in her and Olivia’s relationship, sitting up so that she was straddling the other woman’s lap, and the older of the two moved her hands to rest on each of her thighs, providing some grounding pressure and letting their gazes melt into one another. The ADA reached for the hem of her blouse, pulling it off in one expert move. One of the “benefits” of sleeping around as a young woman was becoming remarkably good at removing articles of clothing quickly and without hassle.</p><p>“Do you want me to take off mine too so that we’re equal?” the cop offered softly, letting her hands move comfortingly up and down the extremities that surrounded her own, keeping her eyes on trusting pools of blue.</p><p>Alex shook her head, biting her lip. “I’d actually rather you didn’t—if that’s okay.” She wanted to move forward, but she knew anything more than incremental progress here would probably be too much. The last time they were both shirtless together, the blonde had robotically brought her girlfriend to orgasm, and it wasn’t a memory she wanted to harp on.</p><p>“Of course it is. Come here.” </p><p>When their lips connected again, Liv gave the woman she loved a few moments to relax into the kiss before she slowly moved her hands up to Alex’s hips, offering a light squeeze, and then letting her fingers carefully migrate onto the bare skin of her sides, the brunette watching the attorney carefully for signs of hesitation. Alex shivered for a moment, covering Benson’s hands with her own to urge her not to pull them away. The shiver had been a good reaction, but she didn’t quite have the ability to explain that to her girlfriend at the moment, so she hoped the physical encouragement would suffice. </p><p>It did.</p><p>All Olivia could think about was how soft the woman in her lap was, how exquisitely beautiful she was, how lucky she felt to hold her in her arms, keeping her safe and making her feel loved.</p><p>It was Alex who eventually let her tongue protrude beyond her lips, asking for entrance into the warmth of the brunette’s mouth. Liv granted her access, sighing into the kiss as the lawyer gripped hungrily onto her face. Cabot couldn’t recall the last time she’d felt this way—a gentle but very real burning in her lungs, oversensitivity in every nerve ending, an unquenchable thirst to be impossibly close to Olivia—and she didn’t want to think long enough on it to remember. </p><p>This would be a good memory.</p><p>This would be a safe memory.</p><p>Olivia was different.</p><p>Also, Alex was different now. As she surrendered to the feeling of her girlfriend moving her thumbs over the skin just below her ribcage, she knew she’d changed. This felt good, it felt right, and as the fire in her chest moved lower, the twinge of nervousness she felt immediately vanished at the sensation of Olivia cradling the base of her skull.</p><p>Safe.</p><p>Eventually, Cabot couldn’t deny her body the oxygen it needed any longer, and so she pulled away, her forehead leaning against Olivia’s as both women panted, their breath mingling together in heavenly intoxication. “I love you,” she heaved, sitting up taller on the detective’s lap.</p><p>The older woman allowed her fingernails to scratch gentle lines into her sides, pleased when she hummed in approval. “I love you too. You good?”</p><p>She nodded with a soft smile, her lips brushing against Benson’s temple, her positioning exaggerating their height difference. “You?” Olivia bobbed her head in the affirmative. "I’m going to take a shower,”<br/>
Alex announced after a few more moments. “Long day at the office."</p><p>Liv released her from her secure but loving hold, patting her hips as she stood up, retrieving her blouse. The blonde quickly removed the rest of her clothes once she arrived in the bathroom they now shared, turning on the hot water and placing herself underneath the stream as she felt the residual flames of her encounter with Olivia lick her skin in the most sensitive of areas. </p><p>Alex recognized this feeling as arousal, but it was so different than what she remembered. The heat in her face and burning in her chest was somewhat pleasant. It was anticipatory. But what was her body waiting for? How would Olivia touch her? </p><p>Gently, Alex surmised, her right hand moving of its own accord down the plane of her stomach and hesitating shakily as it met blonde curls. The ADA rested her forehead against the tile on the shower wall, grateful for the grounding cold as her fingers traveled lower, her breath hitching in her throat at the feeling.</p><p>What the fuck was she doing?</p><p>Wrong. The word lingered in her mind, reverberated around her. It wasn't her drill sergeant. It was the sound of Pastor Paul's voice, gravelly and authoritative. "Alexandra, what do you think you're doing?"</p><p>No. Alex, desperate to shut him up, quickly shoved her hand entirely between her legs, two of her middle fingers surrounding her now throbbing clit.</p><p>Nothing was happening. Was something supposed to be happening? </p><p>And when something did happen, Alex registered pain before anything else, the sensations she was experiencing all at once becoming entirely unpleasant, and the feeling that she was assaulting herself mercilessly causing nausea to roll up her esophagus, but still her fingers continued to scribble for purchase against overstimulated flesh. </p><p>"Al," a soft voice called from outside the bathroom after quite some time. "You've been in there for a while. Are you alright, my love?"</p><p>The tenderness in the other woman's voice made her fingers twitch as they frantically moved against irritated skin, and she realized the stream of water coming from the shower head had turned cold, making her shiver, this time a bad reaction. "Stop," she whispered to herself before she could process what she wanted to say. "Why are you doing this to yourself?" she asked aloud. "Stop, Alex," she commanded her hand as it continued to move abrasively. </p><p>"Al, did you say something, baby?" </p><p>Olivia. Olivia would stop. Olivia didn't want to hurt her. Olivia was kind to her. Maybe that's why her fingers were still roughly touching her most intimate area. Maybe even her hand was tired of listening to the less than compassionate drill sergeant. She reminded herself to breathe, concentrating totally on her right hand. "Alex, there's no rush," she said, channeling her best Detective Benson impression.<br/>
"You're okay. You don't have to do this." Slowly, her hand came to a stop, and she sighed in relief as the pain dissipated.</p><p>She shut off the water, once again leaning her head against the cool tile, and lifting her right hand to see each of her fingers had become unrecognizably pruny. How was she going to get out of this? Her heart continued to hammer in her chest, and the painfully oversensitive skin between her legs continued to throb, her lungs seizing and her entire body shaking. What had she done? "Liv. Can you come in here please?"</p><p>She could almost hear the hesitation on the other side of the door. "Are you sure?" Olivia could have sworn she heard a whimper in addition to the heartbreaking tone of the single word the blonde uttered in response.</p><p>"Please."</p><p>The brunette immediately slid open the door, taking a few slow steps towards her girlfriend, only enough to see that the naked woman was standing in the walk-in shower, no towel in sight as droplets of water made their way down the drain. "Hey." Olivia kept her distance. "What's going on, love?"</p><p>A shaky hand reached to open the shower door, and Liv lunged forward when she saw her legs wobbling. "I..."</p><p>"Hey, I'm here, my sweet Alex, you're okay.” The blonde nodded, her lip quivering. At any other time, she’d be excruciatingly self-conscious of Liv seeing her naked, but at this moment, all she could think about was being in her arms, the woman she loved keeping her safe from her herself. “Take some deep breaths. Did you have a flashback?"</p><p>She shook her head. "No, not really."</p><p>As her shaking began to worsen, Benson leapt into action, reaching for the towel closet. "Let me grab you a towel, so we can get you out of the shower, sweetheart. You're shivering. Can I wrap this around you?"</p><p>Alex nodded as the older woman approached again, swaddling her in the towel like an infant, shock rioting through Olivia as the attorney immediately lied her head on her shoulder upon stepping out of the shower, the brunette’s arms instinctively wrapping around her and holding her close. “You’re okay.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, sweetie,” the dripping woman sobbed into her girlfriend’s shoulder, adrenaline dropping and shame rising. </p><p>“Shhh, baby.” Alex forced herself to focus on the way the older woman’s hands moved in steadying lines up and down her back, to listen to the words spilling soothingly from her lips. “You don’t have to be sorry. Whatever happened, we’ll figure it out.”</p><p>After a few minutes, Liv had enough confidence in Alex’s capacity to walk to guide her towards their bed, sitting her down and furrowing her brow when she heard a hiss escape the woman she loved as she made contact with the comforter. </p><p>The brunette excused herself to the bathroom in order to grab another towel with which to dry tangled blonde hair and also a brush. “You okay with me helping you with this?” she questioned softly, a faraway nod the only response she received.<br/>
Normally, Olivia would have looked for something a little more confident than that, but she couldn’t let her girlfriend remain so damp and so cold. The older woman wrapped the attorney’s hair with the towel, ringing it out gently as she perched behind her. She hoped making some light conversation would take some of the tension out of their current situation, at least temporarily—just enough to bring the ADA back to the present, if she had indeed left it. "I'm destined to spend my life drying you off, huh?"</p><p>Cabot let out a brief chuckle, no mirth to be found in it. “Well, today you’ve spent your life making me wet.”</p><p>The soft smile on her face fell as she heard the conflict in her love’s trembling voice. "Can you tell me what happened?" she asked slowly, moving the bristles of the hairbrush carefully through damp locks.</p><p>"I tried to..." She couldn’t bring herself to finish.</p><p>"What, love? What did you try to do?" When the knots in her hair were gone, Olivia rested the brush on top of the towel and pushed both items out of their way, moving to sit next to the woman she loved, deep blue pools staring aimlessly at her own hands. </p><p>"I'm such an idiot."</p><p>"Oh, baby, you are no such thing.” The detective moved her hand into the other woman’s line of sight, wrapping her left hand around Alex’s right and squeezing, shifting the blonde’s attention away from the fingers she could no longer see clearly. “Tell me what you tried to do," she implored gently.</p><p>Cabot sniffed, her eyes defiantly boring into the empathetic orbs of chocolate she almost wanted to react with anger. "I tried to touch myself."</p><p>The tenderness in her expression did not waver. "Oh?"</p><p>"I thought since before, I was sort of...you know. I thought it would work." A blush crept across her cheeks, and she could no longer resist the urge to avert her eyes, but the SVU Detective wouldn’t let her, the knuckle of a gentle forefinger catching her at the chin and gingerly holding her face still.</p><p>"Al, you are putting way too much pressure on yourself.” Alex tried to find judgement in her tone, but there was not even a miniscule amount. Liv’s voice was velvety compassion, and though her facial features were pained, her touch was loving, her gaze was hauntingly steady. “It's not going to just happen. You can't force it."</p><p>"Tammy did."</p><p>"That's different," Benson shot back, wondering if the dagger through her heart her girlfriend’s claim had caused was evident in her eyes.</p><p>"How?” she argued, her free hand gesturing vaguely to express her frustration at the comparison she was struggling with. “It hurt. I was hurting myself. And I couldn't stop until I heard your voice in my head telling me to."</p><p>The brunette nodded slowly, squeezing her girlfriend’s hand, determined to keep her grounded. The progress she’d made in the past several months was real, and regression was an expected part of the process. One step forward and two steps back would eventually turn into two steps forward and one step back. But it wouldn’t get there without work. "Why do you think you couldn't stop?"</p><p>Knowing Liv would want her fully genuine and totally honest answer, she let herself think about it for a moment, her lip quivering again as she felt the distance between the person she was and the person she wanted to be grow larger. "I guess I just never allowed myself to long for this until now. And now that I am, I just want to be normal."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading! As always, I would love to hear your thoughts!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud. <br/>Here is Chapter 25. I’m hoping it’ll answer some questions. Trigger warning for discussion of injuries sustained during sexual assault.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>Chapter 25</p>
<p>"Are you ready to do some homework?" Kimani had asked Alex to initiate a conversation with Olivia about the brunette's fears concerning sex at some point. This served two purposes—one, to provide an opportunity for Alex to practice starting conversations about their relationship and two, to give Olivia a chance to address her apprehension about moving forward physically. </p>
<p>Benson nodded, patting the couch next to her. “Sure. You know what my big fear is,” she offered quietly, worrying her lower lip.</p>
<p>The younger woman plopped herself onto the couch, clapping a comforting hand over her girlfriend’s knee. Liv was self-conscious about this because she hated anything that reminded her of her conception. She knew Alex placed an exorbitant amount of trust and faith in her, but in bad moments, she questioned how warranted that was. Could she snap? Could she be so desperate for sexual contact that she’d be capable of throwing the entire basis of her moral belief system out the window? Was there a part of her that hungered for power? She saw so much of her mother in herself, especially when she was struggling, so was it possible that she’d inherited an equal number of traits from her father? </p>
<p>Alex gave her a smile, wrapping the palms of both hands around one of the detective’s and then bringing all fifteen fingers up to her lips. "You've had sex with other people, right?"</p>
<p>The brunette bobbed her head up and down. "Sure."</p>
<p>"Have you always been like this—afraid of taking advantage of people?"</p>
<p>"To some extent, yes,” Olivia admitted. </p>
<p>"Okay,” Cabot thought aloud, shifting her body closer to Liv’s and resting the entanglement of their upper limbs in her lap, “but not entirely like this. So what's happening now that's different?"</p>
<p>The cop looked as if she didn’t want to answer, and she almost succumbed to the urge to simply shrug her shoulders, but she knew how much Alex had shared with her in the preceding months, and it wouldn’t be fair to not offer up at least as much. "I've never dated a survivor before, at least no one that I knew was a survivor."</p>
<p>The attorney sighed, her eyes downcast, as it occurred to her that she could be the reason the woman she loved was so on edge all the time. "So, I'm the problem."</p>
<p>"Al, you have anxiety over being gay, but you're attracted to me. Am I the problem?"</p>
<p>"No, of course not,” she insisted, adding volume to her voice before a small smirk formed on her lips. “I see what you did there."</p>
<p>"We both have demons, sweetie, and they're our own to fight,” Benson began gently, adding her free hand to the pile that took up residence over Alex’s thighs, “but you have me to remind you that you don't have to be alone during your fight, and I have you." </p>
<p>Alex returned home one day to the sound of Olivia's voice on the phone. "Thank you, Sergeant. I appreciate your help." She looked up to see her girlfriend in the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water. "Hey."</p>
<p>"Hey, honey. What was that about?"</p>
<p>Liv sat up further on the couch in order to give the other woman room to sit with her if she wanted. "So, because you gave me permission to look into it, I made a few calls about—”</p>
<p>She hovered a few feet away from the detective, a sense of knowing coming over her. “—Pastor Paul and Tammy?”</p>
<p>Olivia nodded. “Are you in an okay place to hear this?”</p>
<p>Alex sighed, sliding off the heels that had caused her feet to ache and padding into the living room, hesitating before sitting next to the brunette. “I hope so.”</p>
<p>“Tell me if you need me to stop,” Liv reminded gently, aware that her girlfriend wouldn’t be able to resist being apprised of this information, especially now that the brunette had done some digging. Alex nodded in acknowledgement, pretty sure that she wouldn’t stop her regardless. If Liv knew, she needed to know. But if what Liv had found out was that both of her abusers were still actively spending time with kids, would she be able to do what was necessary to change that? “Pastor Paul serves on the board of the church now, but he seems to have no contact with children."</p>
<p>This wasn’t the first time the younger woman had heard of a religious leader stepping away from the public eye but remaining in power. "Maybe he made a deal."</p>
<p>"It's possible,” the cop conceded gently, taking a chance and reaching for the ADA’s hand. She couldn’t imagine what was going on in her girlfriend’s mind, but she could see the rapid rise and fall of her shoulders and the reddening of her face and ears. “These things have a way of coming out. I also looked into Tammy. That’s what I was talking on the phone about.” She waited for a nod of permission before continuing. Though Pastor Paul’s assault had been incredibly violent, the brunette knew that the abuse the camp counselor inflicted on Alex over the course of an entire summer had been worse, according to the prosecutor. Tammy had taken advantage of the teenager’s fear of sex, shame around her sexual orientation, and overall loneliness, something Alex feared she’d never be able to work through in a healthy way. “A few years ago, a thirteen-year-old girl who was going to the camp got admitted to the hospital with severe injuries. She told the social worker. One other girl came forward. <br/>She's doing seven years."</p>
<p>The blonde’s breath caught in her throat, and her hand clamped down onto Olivia’s—hard. "Are—are you sure?"</p>
<p>Benson nodded with a soft hum. "Positive."</p>
<p>"Because I don't want to be absolved of my guilt just because."</p>
<p>"You don't have anything to feel guilty for. You were a child, Al." </p>
<p>"But if I would have told someone—"</p>
<p>"You did,” the SVU detective reminded her with a grimace, many years of experience having this exact conversation with survivors not preparing her for the anguish she felt as she scrambled to comfort the woman she loved. “They didn't believe you."</p>
<p>"I could have called the police,” the lawyer countered. </p>
<p>"Why didn't you?" Her voice was gentle, only curious.</p>
<p>Cabot sighed, shaking her head. She knew her own argument had no merit. "Because in 1990, I didn't think one single male detective would have believed my female counselor assaulted me. It wouldn’t have been considered rape under the law, and I’m pretty sure she only got seven years even now because the court didn’t see it as quite as severe as male-on-female sexual abuse."</p>
<p>The knuckle of Olivia’s pointer finger found the younger woman’s chin, encouraging her to make eye contact. "And that has never been your fault." </p>
<p>Alex shrugged away from the touch. "But those other girls—"</p>
<p>"—got justice.” The brunette dropped her hand, cooperating with the attorney’s silent request for physical space. “What happened to them—"</p>
<p>"—was my fault."</p>
<p>"—was Tammy's fault."</p>
<p>The woman stiffened. "The injuries...how bad?"</p>
<p>Olivia’s heart clenched as she watched human Alex fade away and wall-as-high-as-the-sky, conviction-rate-to-rival-all-others ADA Cabot take over. "All I know is she needed stitches."</p>
<p>"And how many years of therapy? My God." Alex shivered at the thought. </p>
<p>"None of what happened to her was your fault, sweetheart. I mean it."</p>
<p>"I wish I could believe that." The tone of her voice dared the older woman to reply, but she didn’t, deciding instead to hold space for the person she loved most in the world, who was vacillating back and forth between robotic questions and vulnerable statements. "There's something you need to know,” she declared eventually, her eyes on her bare toes running through the carpet below them, “about my body. It'll come up when we have sex and I should tell you before we do."</p>
<p>"You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready to tell me.” The truth was Olivia wasn’t sure if she herself was ready to hear what her girlfriend intended to share with her. It seemed like each time she opened her mouth these days, Alex told her something even more heart wrenching. This must have been what she meant every time she insisted that Olivia deserved support too, but how could her life compare to any of the atrocities the blonde had survived?</p>
<p>"I'm sorry. This is just hard."</p>
<p>“Hey.” She leaned forward and down in order to intercept Alex’s gaze. “Whatever it is, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”</p>
<p>Cabot forced herself to breathe. Liv was not in the business of lying to her, and if she hadn’t left her yet, it didn’t make sense for her to believe this would be the trigger. The facts were on her side here, something that was still rather new to the ADA. But she was slowly getting used to it, and as usual, Olivia’s eyes told the story—gentleness, concern, compassion, love. "I have scar tissue. From Pastor Paul,” she explained, feeling another blush spread over her cheeks. “I probably needed stitches, but obviously I never went to the hospital. My mom thought I was just having a heavy period, but I bled for a few days. It...healed wonkily. Tammy would make fun of me for it. It makes pelvic exams difficult—and painful—and it has a rougher texture than the rest of my skin. If that puts you off—"</p>
<p>Inhaling sharply, Olivia interrupted her immediately. "None of this puts me off. It breaks my heart for you, sure, but that’s because I love you, baby.” She fought the intense desire to gather the exposed woman up in her arms, remembering that Alex had only moments ago avoided contact. “I wish you didn't have a physical reminder of the violence you endured, but only because I wish it hadn't happened at all.”</p>
<p>“I just want to keep making progress,” she murmured sheepishly, mustering up the courage to extend her fingertips towards the detective, “and I know hearing this isn’t making it easy for you.”</p>
<p>“Hey, love, come here,” Liv invited tenderly, letting Alex rest her head against her shoulder as the brunette wrapped a protective arm around her, allowing her hand to rest against her lower back. “Nothing is going to make this easy for me. Is there anything that would make it easy for you?”</p>
<p>“At this point, probably not.”</p>
<p>“We can still make progress,” she promised, brushing her lips against Alex’s temple and sighing in relief when the other woman hummed at the gesture. “Like I said, I’m not less in love with you or less attracted to you because I know that you were severely injured during that monster’s attack. Does it remind me how careful we need to be? Yes. But I still want to continue our touch exercises and work on physical intimacy. What this doesn’t change is that we'd only go as far as is comfortable for you."</p>
<p>Cabot thought for a few moments, the nagging feeling that Liv wasn’t satisfied with this course of action residing in the recesses of her mind, but the voice she heard was not gentle, it was not loving. It was not Olivia. "And I'd be happy to give, you know. I think we might be ready for that."</p>
<p>The older woman squeezed her, wanting to squash the proposition for now. "I'd feel more comfortable if we talked with Kimani first."</p>
<p>Alex acquiesced, knowing that the out of nowhere offer was not a wise one.</p>
<p>“Tell me how you’re feeling,” the cop requested after a while. </p>
<p>She turned in Olivia’s embrace, burying her nose into the softness of her girlfriend’s neck. “I don’t really know.”</p>
<p>During their next session with Kimani, Alex insisted that they discuss Olivia for at least a little while, and the older woman was disappointed when the therapist agreed that it sounded like a good idea.</p>
<p>After many minutes of careful prodding, the detective shared the details of her mother’s rape with the LMFT, finally voicing the reason for her paranoia around turning violent. </p>
<p>Liv lasted for about thirty more seconds before she interrupted Kimani, who was thanking her for being so vulnerable and sharing something so hard. "I just feel like we need to be working on Alex's healing. She's been through so much, and—"</p>
<p>Cabot thrust out a palm to stop her. "So have you, Liv. I get that you want to help me, and I love you for it, but I'm not the only person that matters in this relationship. You deserve help too, honey."</p>
<p>"I think your girlfriend has a point, Olivia.” Kimani’s pager beeped. “Unfortunately, I believe I have some clients waiting, and we're running out of time. We will definitely come back to this conversation, and I apologize for ending our session here. Are there any other concerns you'd like to address today?”</p>
<p>Liv knew they were on a time crunch, and she’d taken so long to speak meaningfully to the therapist as an attempt to run out the clock. But now that the pressure had been lifted slightly, she wanted to turn their attention to Alex once more, knowing that their conversation earlier in the week was bound to come up again. "Let me ask you a question. What do you think about us having sex where she's just giving? Do you think that would be harmful?"</p>
<p>The lawyer sighed, knowing that Olivia had succeeded in her unhealthy mission to keep the discussion focused on her girlfriend. Alex was more than aware that talk therapy wouldn’t be helpful to the older woman until she was ready to talk, but she hoped that was sooner rather than later. "She's asking because I want to, and she worries that it isn't a good idea."</p>
<p>"I think it all has to do with intention. Alex, you've shared that in the past you've used sex as a negative coping mechanism. In the present, if you were to engage in this type of sex with Olivia, what would your motivations be?"</p>
<p>She felt two sets of compassionate eyes on her, and the discomfort of it reminded her why Olivia likely wasn’t ready to spend more than five minutes at the center of attention. "I just want to be with her, and I don't want her to have to wait because of me." </p>
<p>"So, I think that you wanting to be with her is very valid,” Kimani assured her, “and a case can be made for being more sexual in seeking the closeness you desire. I do worry about you not wanting her to have to wait though. Olivia, I get the sense that waiting isn't a problem for you, is that correct?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, that's correct."</p>
<p>Kimani took a quick note, her pager telling her that her next set of clients were ready to be seen. "So, Alex, your homework for the week is to differentiate between all the healthy motivations you have to be more sexual and all the unhealthy ones. You can have Olivia's help if you want, but in two weeks, we'll get together and the three of us will talk about it. Then we can make a decision about the wisdom of moving forward right now. Sound good?"</p>
<p>Both women nodded, Olivia mostly relieved that she’d been spared. </p>
<p>"And Alex, I'd like to see just you next week if you'd be okay with that." She’d originally planned on asking Olivia to come on her own first, but it was clear that the detective wouldn’t be ready for that, so she decided to switch up the order. </p>
<p>Those eyes again. "Um. Why?"</p>
<p>The therapist had been prepared for this question. "Because we've been focusing primarily on you and Olivia's relationship, which I know is a priority for you, and it is for me as well, but I think it could be helpful for us to do some work on our own. Entirely up to you, of course."</p>
<p>"I can come, love, and I'll sit in the waiting room." </p>
<p>“Okay, yeah,” she breathed, reminding herself that she was safe with Kimani and her anchor would only be a few yards away, “if you think it’s a good idea, I’ll do it.”</p>
<p>As they left the office, the prosecutor took a mental note to not let Olivia off so easily next time. But before she did that, she needed to help her girlfriend feel ready to share in the way she’d become accustomed to. She wished she knew how. </p>
<p>Alex walked out of an arraignment the next morning to a less than welcome visitor. "Great, first Granger and now you," she muttered under her breath. "To what do I owe the honor, Kressler? Come to deliver your motion to dismiss?" </p>
<p>The man chuckled. "Actually, I've come to see if you're ready to be reasonable."</p>
<p>Alex began strutting down the hallway, forcing the defense attorney to accelerate in order to keep up. "Mr. Kressler, I'm aware that ‘reasonable’ is the first word in your favorite phrase, and I appreciate your proactivity in discussing this, but you and I both know that the only reasonable course of action resulting from what your client did is hard jail time."<br/>Kressler pivoted to cut the woman off. "C'mon, Alex. Save taxpayers the price of this trial."</p>
<p>She smirked incredulously, crossing her arms over her chest. "Oh, so you want to make a ridiculous deal out of philanthropy, Roger?"</p>
<p>"What is with you these days?” He shook his head in disbelief. “Jesus, Alex, just relax." </p>
<p>The word stood out to Olivia, who had left the courtroom and was standing nearby, and she raced to her girlfriend's side, keeping appropriate distance and clearing her throat. "Cabot, we need you at the station." </p>
<p>Alex knew why her girlfriend had approached, but she appreciated her attempt at being inconspicuous. "One moment, Detective Benson.” She turned back to Kressler and gritted her teeth. "Sex abuse two is as low as I'll go."</p>
<p>"How unfortunate,” the other lawyer mused, “considering that sex abuse three is as high as we'll go."</p>
<p>"I guess we're going to trial then."</p>
<p>"I guess so. I tried to be helpful here, Alex, but it’s your loss."</p>
<p>After he’d walked away, Liv tried to casually wrap her hand around Alex’s bicep, squeezing gently to ground her before retreating slightly in case someone was observing the interaction. "You okay?" </p>
<p>"I'm fine,” she said, mentally brushing herself off. “You came out of nowhere.” She narrowed her eyes. “You don't actually need me at the station, do you?"</p>
<p>Olivia smiled guiltily for a moment. "No, but I need you away from Kressler and his big mouth."</p>
<p>"Thank you. I know he has no way of knowing, but..."</p>
<p>Benson shook her head. "He was still being condescending and unprofessional. I'd like to see him talk to a male ADA like that."</p>
<p>Some of the tension in the attorney’s body dissipated, knowing that her girlfriend would always be there to keep her safe, but it returned quickly when she registered what had just happened. "I think we just officially agreed to go to trial.” Olivia squeezed her bicep again. “While we're down here, do you need anything to proceed with this new case? Arraignment went well, but I'd like some more evidence before discovery."</p>
<p>Liv thought for a moment, and Alex saw mischief in her eyes. "A warrant would be great."</p>
<p>She nodded, slightly confused. "Walk with me?” she requested, trying to determine which judge she should go to. “We already have DNA—what are you looking for?"</p>
<p>Kressler had fought to keep up with her, but Olivia and Alex were in sync—each step was in time with the other’s movements. "The vic put up quite a fight. This guy’s gotta have injuries we haven’t been blessed with seeing yet. This time, I want a full body kit. "</p>
<p>The ADA stopped outside of Judge Preston’s chambers. "Ah, yes. The full body kit, or as I like to call them, 'a jump start on justice.'"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading! As always, please comment and share your thoughts/ideas/ predictions.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 26. Trigger warning for vague discussion of sexual assault during a therapy session and internalized homophobia.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 26</p><p>The fully body kit had afforded Alex more than enough evidence to secure an indictment on her newest case, and after the grand jury had returned a true bill, the prosecutor met her girlfriend at Kimani’s office. The older woman pulled Alex into a hug upon her arrival, congratulating her on her latest victory.</p><p>“Thanks, Liv,” she muttered softly into her shoulder, taking a moment to absorb strength from the woman she loved. Olivia always made her feel better when she was anxious, and this solo appointment was definitely making her anxious.</p><p>“Doing this is very brave,” Benson assured her gently, pulling back and squeezing both of her hands. “Remember, I’m going to be right out here the whole time, okay?”</p><p>She gave a noncommittal nod. “Okay.”</p><p>Kimani rounded the hallway then, offering both women a smile. “Hi, Olivia. Hi, Alex. You ready?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah,” she stammered, biting her lower lip.</p><p>Alex felt the brunette squeeze her hand once more. “Right here,” she stressed. “You’ve got this, love.” She kissed the ADA’s knuckles, releasing her hand and watching the two women walk together back towards Kimani’s office.</p><p>Alex reminded herself to breathe as she took slow, deliberate steps in time with her therapist’s, each foot in front of the other bringer her closer to the place in which she’d have to bare her soul—alone. Though her drill sergeant hadn’t yet made his presence known, a familiar anxiety was moving through her, a response to the danger of vulnerability. But she—once again—had the facts on her side. She didn’t have to share anything she didn’t want to. She had power. And Kimani and Olivia were both on her team.</p><p>Step. Step. Step.</p><p>“Go ahead and find a seat where you’re comfortable.”</p><p>She’d done this before. Walked into the room. Sat down. Took a deep breath. Prepared to do the work. This was no different. </p><p>This was safe. </p><p>This was radical self-love.</p><p>Pretty quickly, her nerves settled, and she turned her attention fully to the present. No matter how hard this was, she would survive it. She had survived so much worse. She would get through therapy, even if she were vulnerable, even without Olivia, and she’d be better for it. </p><p>One word at a time.</p><p>She’d told Tommy Jiang, one of Father D’Agostino’s victims, that he would be okay eventually. They both would.</p><p>"Olivia has talked about knowing she was attracted to women from an early age. Have you had a similar experience?" Kimani asked her a few minutes in, wanting to get some more foundational information from her client. </p><p>"I...I don't know.” She thought for a couple of moments, wanting to do her best to give Kimani a productive answer. “I mean, it's possible I'm bisexual and afraid of men."</p><p>The marriage and family therapist smiled. "Of course it is. But that wasn't my question."</p><p>She had her there. "I...I've never been attracted to men, even before Pastor Paul, when I first hit puberty. I had a couple of acquaintances when I was young. I didn't understand their crushes and I was jealous. But not of them, of their boyfriends. I didn't understand why they wanted to hang out with boys. I wanted to be close to them. But it felt wrong."</p><p>Kimani tipped her head to the side. "Why did it feel wrong?"</p><p>"I was told it would be wrong."</p><p>"By who?"</p><p>Alex saw this coming. "My parents, my church..."</p><p>"Pastor Paul?"</p><p>"Yes.” The attorney nodded, swallowing thickly. If she were going to be honest, she might as well tell the whole story. Kimani was on her team. Her team. Kimani and Olivia were both on her team, she told herself. “I was taking baptism classes early because I was caught cuddling with a female friend. A few years after he raped me, he delivered a scathing sermon about the sin of homosexuality."</p><p>"That must have been confusing,” the therapist commented.</p><p>It had been, sort of. It’s not that Alex ever believed that rape was okay. But as a young child, hypocrisy had been difficult to understand. She had understood that she’d been assaulted, that was for sure. Sex was a beautiful thing in the confines of marriage, her mother had told her. That it was an expression of love. Her tone had been wistful, melancholy almost, but the words never left Alex. What Pastor Paul did was painful, violent. She’d known the difference almost instinctively. But if the religious leader said it was okay…was she obligated to listen? And what of the affection she felt for her only genuine friend?  A brutal attack was Godly, but cuddling with Cassie wasn’t? If she’d had any self-esteem at all, she would have stood up in church and questioned it. But she was too afraid. Too small. Too broken. "I had a copy of The Joy of Lesbian Sex under my bed. I burned it after that day."</p><p>"And your first consensual sexual experience—was it with a woman?"</p><p>She sighed. "That's complicated."</p><p>"How so?"</p><p>"With Tammy, sometimes I—" Alex cut herself off, more than aware of her own hypocrisy in the moment. </p><p>Kimani decided to speak, latching onto the silence when it appeared that the ADA wasn’t going to continue. "I'm going to stop you there for a minute, Alex, to ask a clarifying question. You said you were fifteen. How old was Tammy?"</p><p>"I, uh...mid twenties, I suppose."</p><p>"So, tell me if I'm wrong, but it sounded like you were about to say that sometimes you consented with Tammy.” Cabot gave a small, embarrassed nod. She’d had witnesses who found themselves in similar situations as she’d been, women—and now that the statute had been changed, men—who simply couldn’t bring themselves to say no. And young girls that were incapable of consent, just like the blonde was as a child in that cabin. If she were preparing to put herself on the stand, Alex would have gently said that the absence of a no does not equate the presence of a yes, and that fifteen-year-olds were children, and there was no such thing as sex between a child and an adult. But she knew she wasn’t ready to hear that from herself, even if she tried to be as tender as Olivia. Her compassion for herself was growing, but she still had strides to make. “Assuming she was twenty-five, that made her ten years your senior. And again, I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like you genuinely wanted your first times to be like that."</p><p>Kimani’s words did the trick, but Alex knew she’d have to admit the truth to herself one day. She’d have to eventually say the words. She’d beaten around the bush and used vague language about what had happened with her and Tammy for so long that she wasn’t even sure she knew what to call it. "No, I guess I didn't. I figured she'd always be gentle and considerate because she was a woman, but...sometimes she didn't even care about my comfort, let alone my pleasure. Okay, then she wasn't my first. I've never been touched, not consensually. I had a whole bunch of one-night stands pretty soon after, but I was always in control. It made me feel incredibly dirty, but I still pursued it. Didn't slow down until law school when I really no longer had the time. I guess I wanted to see the beauty in it—in orgasm, in sex as a whole."</p><p>"And did you?"</p><p>Alex’s lip began to quiver, and she consciously chose not to fight it. Kimani knew how to hit a raw nerve. "Not until Olivia."</p><p>"There's no rush because I don't want to overwhelm you,” the older woman said slowly after giving her client some time to process in the silence, “but I'd like to refer you to a trauma specialist at some point."</p><p>"I thought you were a trauma specialist,” Alex argued, noticing herself become slightly defensive in response to the river of emotion flowing out of her. </p><p>"I am,” Kimani confirmed, smiling softly. “I can see why you're such a great attorney. Yes, I do specialize in trauma, but I'm not licensed in the specific techniques that I think would help you, separate from the relationship and sex side of things."</p><p>"You mean, like to treat PTSD?"</p><p>"Do you think you have PTSD?" the therapist countered. </p><p>The lawyer gestured vaguely with both hands, biting her lip in embarrassment. "What else would you call...this?"</p><p>"I definitely see a trauma response, Alex,” she gently agreed with her. “I just hesitate to put a label on it when you've already internalized so many others."</p><p>"Like?"</p><p>Kimani thought quickly and then began listing. "Sexual repression. Religious trauma. Internalized homophobia."</p><p>Alex furrowed her brow. "You think I'm homophobic against myself?"</p><p>"It's a very real phenomenon, and it's not uncommon."</p><p>"So, how do I work through that?" she questioned.</p><p>"By shifting your subconscious narrative around all these things. It takes work, but it's something that may be worth addressing with another therapist, not that we can't talk about it here,” she added.</p><p>"I just...” Was she really going to say this? Latch on to the greatest degree of vulnerability she could muster? Honesty. Honesty is important in therapy. The more your clinician knows, the more they can help. “I…I like you. Building rapport with someone else..."</p><p>"I like working with you too, Alex.” Kimani leaned forward, smiling softly. “I understand that it would be difficult to trust someone else. But like I said, there's no rush. I just wanted to give it to you to consider."</p><p>“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll think about it,” Cabot promised, filing it away along with trial motions and the drafts of multiple opening arguments. </p><p>Kimani took a quick note. “Great.” She rummaged through a stack of papers on her desk, handing Alex a packet once she’d found what she was looking for. "The one other thing I'd like to address while you're here today is this." </p><p>The blonde perused the document. "Is this more touch exercises?"</p><p>"It is. But they're for you to do on your own."</p><p>Her gaze snapped upwards to meet Kimani’s non-judgmental eyes, a blush forming on her cheeks. "So, you want me to masturbate."</p><p>She gave a short laugh intended to reassure. "Not quite yet. I don't imagine you're ready." Kimani didn't even know about the shower fiasco, and yet she could tell. "Most of these touches are nonsexual in nature. And it's up to you whether you want Olivia to know."</p><p>“Yeah. Okay. Sure.” She found herself once again agreeing to something she felt unsure about. "Can I ask you something semi-related?"</p><p>Kimani could tell her client wanted to change course, so she just followed her, letting Alex lead the way. "Of course."</p><p>"Olivia,” Alex sighed, no longer desiring to speak about herself and her inability to even touch herself correctly, another reminder of the strides she’d yet to make. “How do I get her to open up?"</p><p>"In my experience,” the therapist explained, “I've learned that it will have to be her decision, something she chooses on her own. I know it's frustrating to watch someone you care about minimize the significance of their struggles, but let's look at it like this. Olivia's discomfort with recognizing her own trauma is a trauma response unto itself, just like flashbacks or nightmares."</p><p>"I can see that, I just...” Alex shrugged, at a loss for words. “I just want to help her."</p><p>"I know you do, and you have a strong relationship. But if she's not ready to seek help, any support you give isn't going to be as effective as it could be."</p><p>"Well,” she thought, “how do I expedite the process?"</p><p>"I'm going to follow that up with another question. When you...when you feel the need to be closed off and fight vulnerability, what could Olivia do for you to expedite the process?" </p><p>Alex thought of Olivia in the lobby, patiently waiting for her girlfriend’s return, ready to provide whatever comfort or support she may need. "She reminds me that she loves me and she's not leaving."</p><p>"You're not the same person, Alex, but your trauma is different sides to the same coin. You're going to have to experiment with different things to see what works for her. I'd imagine some of what she needs is time, but I also see that the trust you have in her goes head to head with her inner narrative, the same way I'd expect that her love and support goes head to head with your drill sergeant."</p><p>"So...,” she began her summary of what she thought Kimani was trying to say, “remind her that I feel safe with her and continue to gently ask her to talk." </p><p>The LMFT nodded. "I think that's a good plan of action for now. And I'll also keep giving her opportunities to express herself when we meet. Your healing is a process, Alex, and so is hers. There's no sure way to expedite healing, and often times, it's better not to rush it."</p><p>"Yeah, that makes sense." </p><p>Olivia had to go back to work after the appointment, but first she hugged the younger woman, telling her that she’d likely be home late and reminding her that she loved her, something that she seemed to do effortlessly. Why was Benson so good at making Alex feel loved, while the blonde was incapable of making her feel safe enough to open up? Was Alex doing something wrong, or was Kimani right? Maybe she just wasn’t ready, and there really wasn’t much the prosecutor could do about it. She knew love wasn’t always enough. If it were, she’d be completely cured by the power of Olivia’s affections by now, but unfortunately, that wasn’t how things worked. </p><p>One step at a time.</p><p>"Got a call from the ADA who took the Barnett case,” she announced to Olivia as she finally made it through the door after nine pm. Good thing it was Friday.  “He made a deal. He might do twelve. I bet he’ll get out for good behavior after six."</p><p>“I’m sorry, love,” the brunette consoled softly, sitting down on the couch next to her. “Can I do anything to help?”</p><p>Alex shook her head, regret coming over her like a smothering blanket. “No, I’m fine, baby. Didn’t mean to bombard you with bad news the moment you walked in. Tell me about your day.” She tucked her feet under her, reaching out to massage the olive shoulder that was closest to her, as Olivia had taken off her jacket upon walking in, leaving her only in a tank top.</p><p>“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about Barnett…or Kimani?”</p><p>So, they were both doing it. Each woman desperately trying to ignore their own stresses and focus entirely on the other. Alex knew this wouldn’t end well. Over a decade of one-sided “relationships” taught her that burnout was real, that eventually resentment builds, and she absolutely did not want either of those things for the person she loved. “I do. Just not at the moment. Still processing,” she added, her fingertips playing with the wisps of hair on the nape of Benson’s neck.</p><p>“Are you okay though?” Liv inquired, squeezing Alex’s thigh.</p><p>“Yeah.” She nodded. “Yeah,” Alex stressed, letting her forehead rest against her girlfriend’s. “Talk to me,” she breathed. “Tell me anything,” she added. “I want to hear your voice.”</p><p>Olivia gave her a soft smile. “El and I set up forensic interviews with the boys and Huang. Hopefully, that’ll give you a credible expert witness.”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s great. Thank you,” Cabot whispered, her eyes wandering to Olivia’s lips. </p><p>“Al,” the brunette said with a hum and a small smirk, “you still here with me?”</p><p>The ADA bobbed her head up and down, her eyes clearing as she met deep chocolate orbs. “Can I kiss you?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>It didn’t take long for the younger woman to pull herself onto Olivia’s lap, her favorite position in which to kiss her. It gave her control because she was on top, but the way that her girlfriend’s arms encircled her made her feel safe and adored, the combination setting up the perfect atmosphere for which to connect with the woman she loved. </p><p>After a few minutes, Olivia noticed the attorney wince, and she pulled back, her hands travelling upwards to cradle her face. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"</p><p>"My hip." Cabot tried to find a more comfortable position, hissing when she felt a distinctive pop, her hand instinctively travelling to the source of the pain. “My joints crack like glow sticks sometimes,” she explained, knowing that besides clueing her in to the chronic pain, Liv didn’t yet know the details of her struggles with constant discomfort. “You didn’t do anything,” she assured the detective when her expression fell. “It just happens. I was standing a lot at work today, and it just locked. It’s still sore now,” she said, preemptively answering Olivia’s likely follow up question, “but it’s just a muscle ache. I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”</p><p>Benson nodded, her hand traveling over the other woman’s shoulder and down her arm, landing at her right hip, gentle fingertips lightly caressing pant-cladded skin. “Can I?”</p><p>Alex hummed, letting her own fingers rest over Olivia’s. “Thank you.”</p><p>"I'm having a hard time getting a good amount of friction,” the cop told her after a minute or so. “Would you be able to take off your pajama pants?”</p><p>Alex carefully removed herself from her position straddling Olivia, letting her pants fall over her hips and pool at her ankles. She reached her hand out to her girlfriend for support as she stepped out of the wool pajama bottoms, a small grimace forming on her lips. Her hands landed on the waistband of her underwear, and she worried her lower lip. Liv let her hand rest over one of Alex’s, giving her a reassuring look.</p><p>“We would leave your underwear on, and I promise I'd only touch your hip."</p><p>Olivia was safe.</p><p>Olivia was safety, personified.</p><p>She smiled. "Pull them down. Make it a touch exercise."</p><p>The detective wasn’t sure what to think, and she definitely wasn’t sure if this was a wise idea. "Then we have to talk first. Your hip is—"</p><p>"—a part of my body I'm comfortable with you touching."</p><p>Liv pulled her by the hand to sit back down on the couch. “How about we use one of my clips to clip the fabric together? That way we have more room, but it still feels safe for you.”</p><p>“That’s a good idea.”</p><p>The older woman bobbed her head. “Remember, there’s no need to rush any of this.” After a shallow nod of agreement, Olivia spoke again. “Do you want to lie down in the bed to be more comfortable?”</p><p>It was official. Olivia thought of everything.</p><p>She collected a hair clip from their bathroom and handed it to her girlfriend, the blonde lying down on her side and bunching the segment of her underwear over her hip together and placing the clip over the lowest portion of her side, leaving the entire area of her hip exposed. </p><p>Olivia lied down in front of her, also on her side. "I'm going to trace my finger lightly in a circle over the area I want to massage. You tell me if it's too much or if you want more."</p><p>Alex closed her eyes at the contact, causing the older woman to pause her movements. "You okay?"</p><p>"Yeah.” She swallowed, her tongue protruding just slightly in order to lick her lips. “It—you feel good."</p><p>Liv smiled, letting her free hand tangle in Alex’s flaxen hair. This grounded both of them, and Alex always needed comfort when she pushed boundaries. "You really have been touch-starved your entire life, huh?"</p><p>She tried to say "Mhm", but it sounded more like a whimper.</p><p>"Sorry, I probably shouldn't have said that."</p><p>"No, it's important that we talk about whatever comes up for us during these exercises,” Alex pointed out, opening her eyes. “And you're right, I'm really not used to healthy touch at all. I'm getting there, but I'm just trying to savor it, which is why I close my eyes. You’re good to use more pressure," she added, remembering one of the prompts on their packet of information about the exercises.</p><p>"I promise that this isn't some novelty that's going to end.” The brunette let her fingers dig more deeply into the tight muscles below her hand, carefully watching her girlfriend for signs of distress. “I'm happy to do this for you forever if that's what you want. I understand why you have the urge to savor it, but I don't want you to take up space in your mind when I touch you worrying it will be the last time. We decided to make this a touch exercise, but I don't see it as a chore. Being close to you is a gift. Does this feel good, by the way?"</p><p>Alex nodded. There was something about one of Olivia’s hands gently massaging her hip and the other scratching lightly against her scalp that felt like infinite contact. Like it was no longer clear where one of them ended and the other began. They were one, and though nothing about this moment was inherently sexual, Alex couldn’t help but think about the words her mother had spoken to her about sex almost twenty years ago. When she’d spoken of tenderness and love, was Jean Cabot uttering an unfulfilled wish aloud? Something that Alex, until very recently, had accepted as her own fate? The feelings that this type of touch inspired in her were unmistakable. It doused the fire in her heart, but lit another in her body.</p><p>Seeing her eyes become slightly unfocused, Olivia decided to speak again, "You still comfortable?"</p><p>Emotional pools of blue were brought back to Detective Benson’s loving gaze. "Yes, completely. My joints just need some TLC sometimes."</p><p>"Well, call me TLC Benson."</p><p>"I think I like Olivia better."</p><p>The older woman hummed. “Well, Olivia likes you too.”</p><p>For the second time that evening, the ADA initiated a kiss, her eyes closing in order to commit the experience to memory. </p><p>"Try to keep them open,” Liv urged her softly. “Look into my eyes and absorb the love because I'm not going anywhere. And there's a lot more where this came from. Okay?"</p><p>"Okay." After a few minutes of silent massage, the cop let her hand wander back up her girlfriend’s body, cupping her cheek delicately in her hand and leaning down for a quick kiss. “Hey, Liv?”</p><p>She pulled back just far enough to get a good look at the other woman. “Yeah, sweetie?”</p><p>“I love you,” Alex whispered, squeezing the brunette’s bicep.</p><p>Olivia smiled, the thumb of her hand brushing over Cabot’s pursed lips, the younger woman pressing a series of kisses to the pad of the finger. “I love you too.”</p><p>“Can I ask for something?” the blonde asked eventually. </p><p>“Always.”</p><p>She sighed. “I need you to try to open up more in therapy.”</p><p>“Al—”</p><p>“Just here me out, baby. Please.” Olivia nodded for her girlfriend to continue. “I know you want to focus on me and the healing I need to do, but Olivia, there is not a finite amount of support in our relationship. There’s no reason why your healing would detract from mine. In fact, I think my healing is deeply connected to yours. Honey, I’m never going to force you to talk or ask you do something you’re not ready for, but I know you’re hurting. I know you’re struggling. I can read you as well as you can read me. You’ve been taught to hate yourself, to fear who you are, but Liv—I’m not afraid. I trust you based on real experienced evidence. I know my love and trust can only go so far though. If you open up to Kimani, she can start giving you tools to unlearn the toxic narrative you’ve internalized, just like I’m unlearning my fear and distrust and self-hatred. Our relationship can’t be healthy without two partners putting in the work. And beyond all of that, you deserve help, sweetheart. And the first step is admitting that you’re having a hard time.”</p><p>Olivia struggled for a few seconds to find words, settling on a canned response. “But that’s not your fault.”</p><p>“I know, Liv,” the lawyer said, quieting her voice and shifting so that she could wrap her arms around the woman she loved, for the first time acknowledging she had a choice, and choosing to be the caretaker, the warning of her drill sergeant not needed. Alex could wear many hats, and to change them was as simple as taking one off and putting on the other. She could put on the big spoon hat whenever she wanted, but she could also choose to take it off. It was freedom, and the naan bread fiasco now felt like child’s play. The younger woman let the knuckles of her hand brush over Olivia’s cheek. “Honey, you’ve convinced yourself that I’m blaming myself for your pain, but I know how far back it goes. I’m not the stressor, just the trigger. It’s not going to get better until you can face it, and trust me—I know how hard it is. But you’re not alone anymore either. You matter, Olivia Benson. Your trauma matters as much as mine does.”<br/>
For the first time, Alex could see Olivia consider her words. She could see the cop’s wall begin to crumble—a small amount, but it was progress nonetheless—and tears came to the older woman’s eyes as she recognized the care she’d been resisting. She wasn’t all the way there, but like Alex, her strides would be made one second at a time. “How did I get so lucky?”</p><p>“I ask myself the same question every day.”</p><p>As their lips met, Alex reminded herself that this would be a process for both of them, the act of listening no where near as difficult for either of them as allowing themselves to be heard. Olivia was on her own journey, but by some luck of the draw—or fate, or karma—their paths had crossed, and they would make their way to the promised land together, second by second. </p><p>One kiss at a time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you as always for reading and sharing your thoughts! Be safe!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter 27</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here is Chapter 27. Hope you enjoy! Don't think I need any specific trigger warnings here, but let me know if you think of something that should be noted!</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p>
<p>Chapter 27</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Christmas passed by in a blur, both women independently deciding not to even mention the holiday. It had always been weird for Liv when she was younger, holidays with just her and her mom, and Alex had a whole slew of reasons not to celebrate, so to save the anxiety and the overall awkward atmosphere, the cop and the attorney ordered Chinese food and silently looked forward to the day being over.</p>
<p>It had only been a few days since Alex's solo session with Kimani, and they'd discussed vaguely what had happened during the appointment, but Alex chose to keep the details to herself, including the packet of touch exercises she was to do on her own. She wasn't entirely opposed to the idea, but she wasn't ready to entertain the notion of standing in front of a mirror and talking to herself tenderly as she delicately caressed her arm and tried not to laugh at herself—or cry at the ridiculousness of the fairly pathetic situation she'd found herself in.</p>
<p>Diving back into the D'Agostino case was helpful because it allowed her to be productive and focus on other people, two things that brought her comfort when she wasn't in the headspace to confront her own demons. Watching Huang interview the boys was a strange experience—the doctor was always careful with victims, but still, Tommy Jiang especially eyed the man as if he were out to get all three of them. Was everyone an enemy to them now?</p>
<p>Liv approached the observation window, turning on the speaker so she could get an update on what was happening in the interview room. "How's it going?"</p>
<p>"It's…going," she concluded after some hesitation. "Huang is getting helpful information, but I'm worried about what Kressler is going to do on cross. He's good at getting experts to put their feet in their mouths."</p>
<p>"Well, so are you," Benson pointed out with a small smile, nudging the other woman's elbow with her own. "There's only so much you can plan for, you know," she said softly.</p>
<p>"My fear is that no amount of preparation is going to keep your average jury from being prejudiced against these boys. Kressler is going to paint them as atheist troublemakers, out for revenge after they were caught defacing the chapel. They might as well have spray painted Jesus, himself, Liv. I mean, they accused a priest. We all know abuse is pervasive in the Church, but no one wants to talk about it. Is a jury really going to convict him?" she questioned with a slow shake of the head. "Kressler's abhorrent deal might be my only chance at this creep having a rap sheet, but…I just don't know if I can look into those boys' eyes and tell them that he's being charged with a class B misdemeanor. They have so much hope."</p>
<p>"Which is why you decided to go to trial. "</p>
<p>Alex nodded, watching her girlfriend turn off the speaker—she had heard enough during their conversation. "I'm not sure my hesitance to accept a plea is based on the winning power of this case though. A year probation is not justice. These boys deserve justice."</p>
<p>Olivia could read the melancholy expression on her face. "You deserved justice."</p>
<p>Cabot should have seen this coming. She crossed her arms over her chest somewhat defensively, a less than genuine chuckle escaping her. "Oh, no, don't make this about me, Liv. It's so different. They're—"</p>
<p>"—children. They're children, Alex. Children who were betrayed by the very person who was supposed to be protecting them, guiding them. Their innocence and sense of safety was stolen at far too young of an age."</p>
<p>"But they're not me." Her voice was quiet, resigned.</p>
<p>"Of course not," the brunette acknowledged. "But posttraumatic stress is all about association, the connect the dots your brain solved to process a hell of a lot of bad in very few years. Look at Tommy with Huang, Al. Look at all the interactions we've had with the boys over the last few months. One minute they're laughing like regular kids and the next they can't even eat. They're children. And they survived horrible violence. Your connection to them could be valuable. If you can't see yourself in that, my love, if you can't recognize that this case is always going to be personal, then you're not looking. This isn't the time to be poised, put together ADA Cabot. This is the time to be human, Al. To be angry, badass Alex. Fight for the justice they deserve. You know how badly they deserve it. Do it for them. Do it for you."</p>
<p>"You're right," the attorney sighed. "You always are."</p>
<p>The process continued to chug along, and the pressure was on as jury selection was nearly upon them, and Alex knew this had a high likelihood of changing the outcome of the upcoming trial. She worked on her strategy for her case in chief for hours in the morning and the evening, until the date on a document she was typing up struck her.</p>
<p>"Hey, Liv, we're meeting with Kimani tomorrow," she started, entering the bedroom at close to midnight on a Sunday, "and I haven't gone through reasons yet. You up to helping me?" At the sight of the older woman rolling over and yawning, Alex shook her head, holding up her palm in front of her body to stop Benson's response. "Never mind, baby. I'm sorry I woke you up. I'll go work on it in the kitchen."</p>
<p>"Hey," the detective coaxed gently, sitting up in bed. "Slow down a minute, sweetie. Lie down with me. You need to recharge your battery before you burn out." She beckoned the blonde over, turning down the comforter beside her. "There's no rush for you to go through the healthy and unhealthy reasons for sex, Al."</p>
<p>"I'm not rushing," the ADA claimed, giving in to Olivia's request and sitting on the bed, "I just want to do the things Kimani suggests." The woman was breathless, having had strode into the room, and she hadn't been paying attention to the timing of her inhalations as she spoke. "I want to be able to talk about this tomorrow."</p>
<p>Olivia wiped the last of the sleep from her eyes, reaching out to wrap her fingers around her girlfriend's thigh, letting her thumb stroke lines into Alex's pajama pants. "I'm happy to talk about this with you, my sweet, but I feel like you're running on nothing but external pressure right now, and that's not healthy."</p>
<p>"There's internal pressure too," she admitted sheepishly, leaning her head back against the headboard. "Here's the thing, Liv," she continued, humming in response to the feeling of the other woman scooting to be closer to her. "With this trial, it's just easier to go, go, go than to stop for long enough to think about it. So, I guess that's where my urgency comes from. Being productive keeps me sane."</p>
<p>Olivia nodded. "I know, sweetheart. But you're running on fumes." She tucked some hair behind Alex's ear. "Are you in the right headspace tonight to talk about sex? You've been eating, sleeping, and breathing an egregious sex crime non-stop for days."</p>
<p>The younger woman took a steadying breath, intertwining her fingers with Liv's. "Honey, if I told you that I'm really okay, would you believe me?"</p>
<p>"I always believe you."</p>
<p>"Because I've been having moments, of course, but even when I'm having a hard time, this—being with you, working through everything…reminds me that I'm okay, that I'm safe. That this isn't work I have to do—it's work that I get to do. With you." She rested her head against Liv's shoulder for a few moments, and the brunette hummed, kissing the crown of her head. "You know why I think I'm almost ready to have sex with you, or at least try?"</p>
<p>"Why?" Benson inquired softly.</p>
<p>"Because when the voice in my head tells me that sex is something I have to do, an obligation if I want you to stay, your voice takes over immediately, like I have the devil and the angel living over my shoulder. And you're the angel," she clarified, "reminding me that it's always my choice. You know how that makes me feel?" Liv expected "safe" or "loved", but instead Alex said, "Powerful. It makes me feel powerful. And I might not be ready today, or tomorrow, but when I am, I get to connect with you, I get to touch you—and because I want to. I can't always turn off my drill sergeant, but I can turn your voice up, and I can listen to my own."</p>
<p>Olivia squeezed the other woman tightly to her. "Did you practice that speech?"</p>
<p>She shook her head in the negative. "I don't live in dream world either, Liv," she recognized aloud. "I'm going to struggle. I know it's not going to be easy. And I'll also spend some time in the morning going through good and bad reasons in depth because I want to have an understanding of where I am. But I know I want this for the right reasons. What do you think?"</p>
<p>"About…?"</p>
<p>"About trying sooner rather than later, about what I said. Anything, really. I've been rambling like crazy."</p>
<p>"No, I like listening to you talk," Liv assured her, squeezing her hand. "Your wisdom is something to behold." She paused for a beat. "I'm looking forward to talking about this with Kimani tomorrow. I trust your judgement, love, but you know I'm always going to worry, so any thoughts she can give us will help."</p>
<p>"Mhm," Alex agreed. "And we don't have to commit to anything yet, or ever, really," she promised softly. "But do you want to? Try, I mean?"</p>
<p>Benson sat up further on the bed, nudging her girlfriend's chin upwards with the knuckle of her forefinger and allowing their foreheads to meet. "Of course I do," she whispered, her hand coming to rest against a pale cheek. "So much," she continued. "I'm not immune to desire, baby, and I'm sorry if you've doubted how much I want you. But like we talked about last week, I'm healing too, and my biggest fear is making you feel at all unsafe."</p>
<p>"You promise me you're not going anywhere every single day. And I'm going to promise you every day that you make me feel nothing but safe. And eventually, our stubborn minds will start to believe it, honey, I promise." She let her pinky finger travel the distance from the bridge of Liv's nose to the tip, replacing the digit with her lips afterwards. "I trust you with my life, Olivia."</p>
<p>Both women were anxious to see Kimani the next afternoon. "Alex, did you share with Olivia anything about our session last week?" she asked to start them out.</p>
<p>"Was I supposed to?" Had she failed a test?</p>
<p>"Not necessarily. I'm just curious about whether it came up."</p>
<p>Alex nodded. She didn't need to try to impress their therapist. She was on their side. Safe. "I just told her that we talked about my insecurities and some next steps."</p>
<p>"Okay. No need to be more detailed than that. I was just curious." She took a note, smiling softly. "Okay, Alex, are you ready to talk about your work from this week? Were you able to do it? I know you're busy."</p>
<p>"Yeah, Liv and I talked last night a bit, and I was thinking this morning in arraignment before my case came up."</p>
<p>"Great," Kimani said genuinely. "What would you like to share?"</p>
<p>"So, I came to the conclusion," she started, looking to Olivia for support, and the brunette wrapped her hand around Alex's clammy one—she hated that therapy still made her so nervous, but she tried to grant herself compassion around it— "that even though sometimes my drill sergeant rears his ugly head, my motivations are based on a desire to connect and the fact that it feels like a natural step to move forward some time soon. I can't promise you that I don't sometimes have pop-up thoughts that are less than healthy, but I've been doing fairly well changing the narrative and reminding myself that I never have to have sex again if I don't want to. But I do want to."</p>
<p>Kimani nodded. "Sounds like you did some great work. Olivia, what do you think about all this?"</p>
<p>"You know me," she said, attempting to laugh it off. "Worry, worry, worry. In all honesty though," she pivoted, "I feel better about the idea of trying at some point. I'm interested in your thoughts though."</p>
<p>"Sure. Well, ultimately, Olivia, it's your choice and Alex's, but based on what Alex has shared today, I would say that as long as you can make a plan and communicate openly with each other, it should be helpful for you both to see how far you can go and what you're comfortable with. I feel okay giving you a green light, but there is one thing I'd like to see happen first. Olivia, I'd love to see you without Alex next week if you're up for it."</p>
<p>"Are…are you sure that's really necessary?" Benson stammered.</p>
<p>The therapist smiled. "It's up to you. I just know that often times individuals have concerns they'd like to discuss without their partner present, at least as they start to open up. I think your situation warrants as much as support as Alex's does, if that's what you're unsure about. And I'd like to give you an opportunity to explore your specific concerns, since Alex had that chance last week."</p>
<p>Olivia bit her lip. "It's just...I wasn't..."</p>
<p>"I know, Olivia. But rape isn't the only sexual trauma. Growing up in the environment you did has affected you, and Alex is right that you deserve to work through it all with me just as much as she does."</p>
<p>Alex laid her hand over her girlfriend's arm, lowering her voice. "Remember what we talked about, baby. You deserve this too."</p>
<p>The older woman nodded.</p>
<p>The week seemed to go by in a flash, and before she knew it, the cop was sitting across from a woman she greatly respected, responding to questions she wasn't sure she was worthy of answering. But she kept reminding herself of Alex, of the earnest way in which she had spent the past weeks making her feel deserving of help.</p>
<p>"How are the touch exercises going for you?" Kimani asked her at one point.</p>
<p>"They're hard sometimes," she admitted.</p>
<p>"How so?"</p>
<p>"I'm always so worried that Alex is uncomfortable, and then sometimes I'm…I'm turned on by how she looks or feels a sound she makes or the look in her eyes, and…guilt…just washes over me, and I don't know what to do."</p>
<p>"Do you stop when that happens?" the LMFT questioned gently.</p>
<p>"Sometimes. I usually try to work through it, the same way Alex works through her anxiety, but I can't always," she said.</p>
<p>"That sounds frustrating."</p>
<p>"It does make me upset. But mostly because I know she trusts me, and I know I would never touch her if…if I thought even for a second that she didn't want me to. But I doubt myself. And I love her so much."</p>
<p>"I think the fact that you two discuss your love for each other is very significant. It provides an amazing foundation for your relationship."</p>
<p>Olivia nodded. "It's just always on my mind. I guess I'm just angry."</p>
<p>"Can you tell me more about that?" Kimani asked.</p>
<p>The detective sighed. Though love was always there in her thoughts, outright rage often lingered right behind, reminding her that she had an important role to play and she had to get it right. "She just deserves so much better than she's gotten. And I'm committed to giving that to her."</p>
<p>"Your dedication to respecting Alex's boundaries is admirable, Olivia. But what about yours?" the therapist questioned, wanting to get her client to think about what she deserved in their relationship.</p>
<p>Benson was confused. "What do you mean?'</p>
<p>"Let me ask you this." Kimani leaned forward in her chair. "Are you ever more physical with Alex than you're comfortable with because it's something she wants?"</p>
<p>"No." She thought about it for a bit longer. "Well, not yet, if I'm being honest. I'm afraid it's something I'd do."</p>
<p>"And why is that?"</p>
<p>"Because I just want to take care of her," she replied instantly.</p>
<p>"Can I ask you a question?" Liv nodded. "How would you react if you found out Alex went further with you than she wanted to just to make you happy?"</p>
<p>"I…I," she stuttered, her face blushing, "I'd feel...like a rapist."</p>
<p>"Which is an understandable response for someone in your position. Do you think Alex would feel similarly if the situation were reversed?"</p>
<p>Olivia furrowed her brow, the need to defend the woman she loved overwhelming her for a moment. "Of course she would."</p>
<p>"Just like Alex's boundaries matter to you, so should your own. When considering whether to do something, ask for your own consent, and only give it if you're enthusiastic about the prospect." The brunette followed the LMFT's logic and she knew she was right, but it still felt weird. "Part of respecting your boundaries is being aware of the fears you have regarding sex and sexuality, things that have been ingrained in you since childhood. I hear you remind Alex that you can wait during almost every session. I don't want to put words in her mouth, but I'm fairly sure she's happy to wait for you as well. If she's ready before you are, then you as a couple are not ready."</p>
<p>Benson took it all in, remembering the look on the love of her life's face as she woke her up gently that morning, pressing soft kisses to her face and whispering words of love. Alex's confidence had grown astronomically, and they were in a good place. She worried about what would happen if they rocked the boat, but above everything else she knew that Alex's trust in her was—powerful, is the word she'd used. Alex felt powerful, and her power made Olivia feel safe, or as safe as she was going to feel before jumping into the unknown. "I do think I'm ready. And Alex might be too. But the situation is always going to be fraught. I don't think there's a way around it."</p>
<p>"Then you'll go through it together. But together is the operative word. Olivia, acknowledging what they've been through is often the hardest thing a trauma survivor ever has to do. You and Alex are both walking your own paths, but they are parallel. Don't be afraid to walk side by side."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thanks as always for reading! Explicit sexual content in the next chapter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Chapter 28</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud. <br/>Here is Chapter 28. Hope you enjoy! Content warning here for a sexual abuse survivor being triggered during sexual contact, a small mention of unwanted arousal, and related topics. I, uh, I cried while writing the end of this chapter, so…good luck.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>Chapter 28</p><p>Alex stood alone in the bathroom after her shower, having yet to clothe herself. A towel was wrapped loosely around flaxen locks, and water droplets continued to travel down her body. She watched herself in the mirror as she followed a single drop of water as it began a journey down her face, falling off her nose and onto the center of her collarbone. She recalled that the collarbone was a physical attribute she often found herself admiring in other women, and Olivia’s was no exception. The way the bone protruded as she spoke passionately on the stand or angrily interrogated a suspect was nothing less than breathtaking. Did the sharp features of the ADA’s paler skin have a similar effect on the other woman?</p><p>The blonde’s fingers met the droplet where it had chosen to pause, pruny pads dancing along her clavicle as she sighed audibly. There was something strangely inviting about watching her own chest heave in the mirror of Olivia’s vanity as the water continued its path down the valley of her breasts, being caught in her navel. She felt as if she were invading her own privacy as she studied the face in front of her, halfway feeling like it wasn’t even her own. The woman in the mirror felt alien somehow as unmanicured fingernails scratched at an itchy area of her ribcage. The water that had collected in her belly button cooled, and it existed in contrast to the damp, heated skin around it. </p><p>She’d never seen herself like this—so exposed and so at ease. Alex felt a fire begin to burn within her as her hands wandered lazily around still dripping skin. She should be cold. But she wasn’t. </p><p>Olivia would be home from work soon, and though she knew the brunette had had her appointment with Kimani earlier in the day, they hadn’t had the chance to talk about how it had gone. Alex appreciated the time alone though, something she couldn’t remember ever liking before. She welcomed the chance to spend some quality time with herself, to check in with her body and her mind, something that was still so new to her, and so incredibly novel. Though she hadn’t done much work with the packet of solo touch exercises her therapist had handed her two weeks prior, what she had done is imagine what it would be like to begin working on them. And as Cabot’s fingers traveled up to meet her right breast, her breathing stalled as she caught sight of the contact in the mirror, the condensation on it causing the picture in front of her to be even more mystical. 	</p><p>Was it really Alex Cabot she was staring at, tenderly showing her body something other than resentment?</p><p>The fact that she was standing there, freshly showered and wonderfully steady on her two feet was nothing short of a miracle. Even after atrocious violence, months of inadequate nutrition, almost two decades of insomnia, and twenty-nine years of vicious self-hatred, her body had lived. Her feet gripped strongly onto the tile floor, and as her forefinger drew a circle around a pink areola, her deep crystal blue eyes watched as if they’d seen nothing but the most beautiful of things instead of unimaginable apathy and endless brutality. Her lungs expanded and deflated on cue as she breathed through the discomfort she’d learned to associate with physical touch, and her heart accelerated expertly to make up for the shallow quality of her breathing. Her skin protected her from the cold of the water still flowing through curves and crevices, and her nose easily inhaled the sent of rose shampoo—Olivia’s, something she’d been using to self-soothe.</p><p>She was amazing, really. Though pain, guilt, shame, and loss had made her who she was, she was so much more than the sum of her parts. She was compassion. Power. Confidence. Human. Alex registered that she was a well-oiled machine, and her body had taken care of her to the best of its ability given the circumstances. Though her muscles ached and her joints cracked, her bones remained strong and her mind remained stronger. Her heart continued to pump blood through her veins, and she was capable of functioning.</p><p>And more, she was capable of feeling. Surviving was step one, and the vessel that held Alex Cabot’s soul had done that instinctively. Her body had taken so much, and still it lived. Alex placed her right hand over her heart and the thumping she felt took her breath away. This was more than surviving. This was living.</p><p>New year. New life.</p><p>She heard the front door open and footsteps move towards the bedroom, but the attorney’s body remained relaxed as she closed her eyes and focused on her breath. Her fingers once again found her collarbone and she sighed, noting the way in which the warmth she’d created with her own touch enveloped her now. This feeling was similar to the one she’d felt after her first shirtless touch exercise with Olivia. It was arousal, sure, but there was more control to it this time. She’d made the decision to let herself feel good in the moment.</p><p>She opened her eyes at a knock on the bathroom door.</p><p>“Sweetheart? You’re quiet in there, love. Everything okay?”</p><p>After she’d been found naked, freezing, and panicking in the shower in mid-December, Olivia had taken to checking in on her girlfriend if it wasn’t immediately clear that she was perfectly fine in the bathroom. Liv knew it was a little silly, and she hated that she felt the need to be so careful all the time, but she knew how long Alex had been fighting her demons alone, and she never wanted that to be the case again.</p><p>“I’m good, baby,” the younger woman called back softly, her hand resting over her heart as it slowed. Connecting to herself was something she felt she’d never get used to, as she’d spent her entire life trying to exist as far away from what her body was experiencing at all times. She wrapped herself in a new towel and freed her unruly mane, preparing to brush through the knots the shower had caused. <br/>“You can come in,” she invited with a soft smile.</p><p>She missed Olivia. She always missed Olivia. And as comfortable as she’d worked up to being alone, in her own head, with her hand over her own heart, she never felt as secure as she did when the woman she loved was within arm’s reach.  Alex could lock up her drill sergeant, but only Liv could revoke his bail and throw away the key.</p><p>The brunette considered her options for a moment, thinking back on what Kimani had told her earlier in the day. Ask for your own consent, the woman had advised, and suddenly, it didn’t seem so weird. She didn’t know what she would find once she opened the door to the bathroom, but was she okay with the uncertainty? If Alex was unclothed and Olivia was attracted to her in her naked state, would that make the cop feel bad, guilty, dirty?</p><p>Cabot was more than capable of communicating her needs, and the SVU detective had seen with her own eyes that she was feeling safe more often than not these days, so wouldn’t the healthiest and safest thing to do be to take the woman she loved at her word?</p><p>Yes.</p><p>She slowly slid open the door, knowing she’d made the right choice when she was met with the most genuine of smiles. “Hi, honey,” Alex murmured, wrapping her arms around the older woman and burying her nose into Olivia’s neck. The brunette couldn’t resist the urge to respond in kind, encircling the lawyer’s waist and squeezing her tightly as she pressed a lingering kiss to a bare shoulder. She was still damp, Liv noticed, and she was so warm and so soft. It occurred to her how easily she could lower the hand that was resting against the small of the prosecutor’s back, and then she could just—<br/>Alex felt her body stiffen and jump just slightly, so she stepped back. “Hey, something just happened,” she observed, cradling her girlfriend’s face. “Can you talk to me?” She ran her fingers through Olivia’s short hair, humming softly when she bit her lip. Alex clearly saw the darkening of Olivia’s irises, and she knew just a month or two ago, the sight would have sent her flying into earthshattering panic. But all she felt in this moment was love—and concern for the beautiful woman in front of her who was expressing adoration, and yes, lust. </p><p>“I know I don’t make you uncomfortable,” Benson eventually announced, deciding to work through the discomfort and letting her hand wrap around the nape of Alex’s neck, longing to touch her bare skin. </p><p>“I’m glad you know,” Alex drawled, stepping forward to be fully in Olivia’s arms once again. “When you walked in just now, all I felt was happiness.” Liv silently stared into the other woman’s eyes. “I think I know what’s going on and what talking with Kimani brought up. I don’t want to speak for you though, so do you want to share why you look so anxious right now?”</p><p>Alex had mastered the gentle but prodding Detective Benson voice, and what she loved so much about her accomplishment is that this was her own version of it. She was no longer imitating the woman she cared for so deeply, she was simply offering her girlfriend genuine and unconditional compassion, something that now came naturally to her. She swiped her thumbs over blushed cheeks as Liv nodded after a moment. “I…” she began.</p><p>“Go on, sweetheart. You’re okay.”</p><p>“When we first started dating, I felt safe because it was the beginning of our relationship and we were still getting to know each other,” Olivia said slowly, her hand hovering over the wrist that floated between them as Alex continued to comfort her, and then, as she continued talking, the brunette grabbed onto the anchor, using Alex’s right wrist for support. “And you being hesitant to move forward physically, especially after you first disclosed, added an extra layer of safety for me because I knew there was no way that sex was going to happen. But now,” she sighed shakily, her thumb smoothing over the palm of Cabot’s hand, “as we’re getting closer, that safety blanket is eroding and I’m starting to…I feel…”</p><p>“I turn you on?” Alex guessed with a gentle smile. Olivia nodded, a combination of relief and shame flooding her body. “That’s not a bad thing, sweetheart,” the prosecutor assured her.</p><p>“I know that, baby.” Alex dropped her hand from Liv’s cheek and intertwined their fingers, not wanting to overwhelm her with such intimate contact. “You’ve been so good with telling me you feel safe, and I do know I’m not a danger to you, but…”</p><p>“You have moments, like me.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“And you just had one, huh?”</p><p>Olivia nodded again, and she reached out for a hairbrush. “Can I…before your hair dries?”</p><p>Alex smiled and bobbed her head up and down. “Sure.” She gestured for her girlfriend to begin running the bristles of the brush through her tangled hair. “And when you’re done, there’s a touch exercise I want to do together, if you’re up for it.”</p><p>“Oh, something specific you have in mind?” Liv questioned. </p><p>“Yeah, I think it will help you.” She sighed at the combination of Olivia’s tender fingers moving through her hair along with the brush and the feel of her breath against her neck as she spoke. “You trust me?”</p><p>“Of course.” Alex felt light pressure against the nape of her neck, smiling to herself at the realization that the other woman felt safe enough again to kiss her. When her hair was detangled, the younger woman led her girlfriend by the hand into the bedroom and sat them both down.</p><p>“I’m going to drop this towel, just to my waist, okay?” She paused and waited for Olivia to nod, which she did, her eyes widening. She had spent months encouraging Alex to allow herself to feel arousal, to feel connection, to feel want. It was only fair that she afforded herself the same, and at the end of the day, Benson knew she was in full control of her actions. The brunette let her eyes drink in the sight in front of her—strong but delicate shoulders, which were heaving under her gaze. A prominent collarbone offering contrast to her otherwise soft skin. A pair of gorgeous breasts, perfect handfuls with the pinkest of nipples. A barely visible ribcage, which her attention was taken away from when Alex claimed her hand in hers, bringing excruciatingly careful fingertips to her collarbone. The blonde swallowed hard, her eyes finally meeting her girlfriend’s. “Can I put your hand over my heart?” she breathed in question.</p><p>Olivia had expected this to be the other woman’s next move, and she didn’t fight the grin that involuntarily formed on her face as the lawyer moved their joined hands to rest over the left side of Alex’s chest. “Feel my heartbeat,” she encouraged tenderly, remembering what the experience had done for her before Liv had arrived at the apartment. “Feel how your touch makes my heart beat faster. But also feel that my body is relaxed.” She purposefully chose the word in order to showcase just how calm she was. “It’s not going to be perfect. I know we still have work to do. And I can’t promise something won’t happen that’ll scare me. But I’ll never be able to promise that. What I can promise is that this—you—are my anchor. And I want you just as much as you want me. There is safety in that, sweetie.”</p><p>Olivia hummed, carefully letting her thumb stroke the flesh below her hand. Soft. Warm. Alex. She smiled. </p><p>“Can we try tomorrow?” The next day was Friday, and both women would be home relatively early after work. “We can start out kissing and see what feels natural.” the attorney suggested with a light shrug.</p><p>Olivia gave a hopeful smile. “I think I’m ready,” she decided, her trigger in the bathroom having been the catalyst for comprehensive assurance that her girlfriend felt safe with her, and when the woman really examined herself, she knew she wasn’t her father. There was no part of her that would ever desire to take advantage of Alex. It was, in fact, the blonde’s attraction to the cop that was spurring her on. Their love was mutual, and so was their want. Liv knew her fight wasn’t over, but she was winning the race against her own version of a drill sergeant. “What about you?”</p><p>“I think we’ll be okay,” Alex offered, running her thumb over the back of Liv’s hand. “As long as we keep checking in and remember if either of us gets uncomfortable, we can stop.”</p><p>“The key for sex between us—or just trying to see how far we can go—is going to be communication. I know that’s pretty self-evident for us, but even if it feels awkward, talking with each other is going to be what keeps it safe for both of us.”</p><p>“Do you feel good about this?” Cabot asked quietly, her hand still lying over Olivia’s as they continued to breathe in sync.</p><p>“I do. I think we’re prepared, but I’m going to quote myself by saying that there’s only so much we can plan for,” she added with a shy smile. “I know lots of your triggers. You know mine. We’ll figure the rest out as we go. I love you, you know.”</p><p>“Oh, my baby,” Alex sighed, leaning her forehead against her girlfriend’s shoulder. “I love you too, so much.”</p><p>And the next evening, when Alex’s heavy-lidded eyes and soulful gaze bore into Liv’s mix of want and adoration, Olivia agonized over the blonde’s impossibly soft whisper of "Please.”</p><p>God, how she wanted to. "Are you sure?" Her fingers hovered tantalizingly over Alex’s cheek, millimeters away from making contact.</p><p>The blonde placed her fingers over her girlfriend’s palm and guided her into meeting the flushed skin of her face. "Please. I mean, if you want to. I want to make love to you."</p><p>Liv was slightly anxious about the notion, but she knew Alex had to be as well, and at this point she was relatively comfortable with working through the nervousness—together. "Okay. But it can't be like last time."</p><p>"It won't be,” Alex insisted as they stood together in the bedroom, wanting to directly address something she knew concerned her girlfriend. “I'm not the same person I was when we first started dating, sweetie."</p><p>Olivia so appreciated the point her love was trying to make, but there was something she wanted to make clear. Alex had always been Alex. But now, she was becoming a more fully realized version of herself. "Yes, you are. You're just healing."</p><p>Healing was such a subjective experience. Alex was still new at following processes going on inside of herself. She was used to objective processes—facts, clear, outward evidence. With healing, she needed to pay attention to how she was feeling now and how it compared to how she had previously felt. "I want this. But only if you do. It needs to be a green light for both of us."</p><p>The difference was astonishing. </p><p>Benson opened her mouth to ask again if Alex was sure, but she stopped herself, studying the quickness of her breath and dilation of her pupils in combination with the lack of tension in her body and soft smile on her face. “I’m okay, Liv,” she whispered, as if she could read her lover’s mind. “Come here.” She pulled the older woman into her arms, cradling the base of her skull and pressing a series of kisses into her neck. </p><p>Olivia pulled back after a few moments to kiss the woman she loved, humming deeply as her fingers tangled into the lawyer’s hair. Alex smiled into the kiss, happy to see the older of the two let go at least slightly, and their tongues tangled together dancing in unison with a zeal Alex had never experienced before. When the blonde pulled back, she grabbed her girlfriend by the hand and led her to the bed, the prosecutor sitting down and guiding Liv to stand between her legs as she held desperately onto her face. “I want to pull you down on top of me,” she explained quickly, “but I don’t want you to be nervous if I do. So…would you rather I didn’t?” She chuckled lightly when the woman just looked at her, and though the moment was awkward, the laugh was genuine, and Liv found herself smiling in response. “What? What did I say?”</p><p>“You’re just cute,” Benson replied, leaning over Alex and pecking her nose. </p><p>The blonde felt her girlfriend shiver when she wrapped her foot around Olivia’s ankle and started trailing it up her calf, stopping at the area behind her knee. She wasn’t the most flexible person. “So, what do I need to do to turn ‘cute’ into ‘sexy’?”</p><p>Liv took a chance and used her legs to straddle the attorney, catching her in her arms and rolling them so that they were lying next to each other. “Oh, my sweet, you are so far past sexy, you can’t even see it anymore.” The cop brushed some hair behind her ear, leaving her hand to cradle her face. “Tell me how you want to do this.”</p><p>She’d already decided what she wanted to do, but she thought about it for a few seconds anyway, ensuring she was aware of how she felt in the moment. “I want to touch you first, and afterwards, depending on how I feel…”</p><p>“We’ll take it second by second, love. There’s no pressure.”</p><p>“Okay.” She nodded, comforted by the honesty in her girlfriend’s voice. “What’s most important to me though is that we enjoy being together. So taking it second by second makes sense.”</p><p>Olivia moved closer to the other woman, wrapping her arm around the blonde’s waist and letting her nose brush against Alex’s. “Mm. Sounds good to me,” she whispered, the tension building between them for several long seconds until Cabot crashed her lips against Liv’s, her left leg immediately wedging itself in between both of her girlfriend’s, her desire to be close to the brunette overwhelming her entirely. She felt the urge to rush, to thrust her hand into the woman’s underwear and watch her writhe in ecstasy within seconds, but she reminded herself that this was not what she truly wanted. What she truly wanted was to completely abandon her old practices, her old rules, and just do what felt natural.</p><p>Breathe. Feel. Connect.</p><p>It didn’t get more natural than that.</p><p>She felt Liv’s hand travel under her shirt and wander her bare back, and it made her smile to know that the other woman was trusting herself to let go to some extent. “You can take it off,” she said against the cop’s lips.</p><p>“Might need some help,” the older woman laughed.</p><p>Both of them sat up, removing their shirts, leaving their chests entirely exposed as neither woman had been wearing a bra in the apartment. This time, instead of feasting her eyes on the sight before her, Olivia wanted nothing more than to feel the love of her life’s body against her own, and so she pulled her in for a hug. She felt, rather than heard, her girlfriend’s lungs seize at the contact. It wasn’t unlike her own reaction, as her breath caught in her throat and a low moan ripped through her. In response, Alex squeezed her tighter, their bodies contouring to one another as their legs intertwined.<br/>Alex rested her forehead against Liv’s. “Kiss me.”</p><p>And so she did, with every ounce of passion, emotion, tenderness, and love she had inside her. Her hands travelled to her bare sides as their tongues once again moved against one another languidly, her fingernails scratching delicate lines over the softest of skin before Alex attached her lips to the brunette’s pulse point and decided that sucking was an efficient way of making her squirm. “I love you,” she panted after a minute or so.</p><p>“I love you so much,” Olivia gasped out, throwing her head back to give her girlfriend more real estate with which to bring her pleasure.</p><p>Cabot tossed her leg around Liv’s hips so that she was completely on top of her, and she gently urged her to lie back fully on the bed. Her fingertips danced up her ribcage and settled centimeters below the tempting globes atop her chest, the olive skin beckoning her forward. She bit her lip, watching Olivia’s face. “This okay?”  Liv just hummed. “How…” She cleared her throat. “How…how do you like it?” <br/>Her face blushed furiously as Olivia grabbed ahold of her now shaking hand.</p><p>“Can I?” she asked, referring to helping her girlfriend touch her in the way she liked.</p><p>Alex nodded with a small smile, grateful for the guidance. “Sorry, foreplay hasn’t really been—”</p><p>Benson interrupted her. “Shhh. Stay here with me, baby. You have nothing to apologize for.” The brunette kept her eyes locked with the younger woman’s as she laid their joined hands entirely over her left breast. “I like massage, so if you take your hand and just gently—yeah, like that,” she cut herself off as Alex boldly attempted what she thought her girlfriend was describing. “That’s perfect,” she purred, her head falling back against the pillow.</p><p>Alex prided herself in being a quick study, but she barely had any time at all to bask in her newfound sexual prowess because she was immediately taken by the softness of the skin below her. One of the things she’d always loved about women was the natural softness to their skin, but she had never allowed herself to really feel it before now. It was just a little kissing, a little fucking, and then moving on. What her and Olivia were doing was so beyond that, and her heart swelled with emotion as she slowly leaned over her neglected right breast, raising her eyebrow to ask for permission to wrap her lips around the russet bud below her. Immediately, Liv gasped, her fingers tangling into now unruly hair as she surrendered to the ministrations of the woman she loved.</p><p>Soon, her lips travelled to the cop’s navel, her tongue joining in to give adequate attention to the body part, and by this point, Olivia was unable to remain still on the bed. She couldn’t recall the last time she’d felt such desire for someone. She needed to be touched, but she kept that need to herself, wanting to follow Alex’s lead. The blonde knew her girlfriend well, however, and she was getting the message loud and clear. </p><p>“Can I pull off your sweats and underwear?”</p><p>“Please,” she managed to breathe out through a whine.</p><p>Alex tapped her hips to cue her to lift them, and the attorney quickly ridded her of the last barrier between herself and the warm, wet velvet of the woman she loved. </p><p>The brunette instinctively spread her legs, reaching blindly for Alex, wanting to hold onto her, so the younger woman slid back up her body and laid next to her, interlacing their fingers together. “Do you…” she stuttered nervously, “…like…like last time, or…?”</p><p>Liv struggled to put together a coherent sentence, but it was important to her that she did, that she was fully present with the woman she loved and fully in control of her actions. “Slow circles,” she reminded breathlessly, gripping onto the ADA’s hand. “But,” she said, feeling Alex pause the decent of her hand, “if you don’t want to….”</p><p>“Open your eyes,” Alex implored softly. “Look at me. I want this. Do you want this?” she asked explicitly, earning a vigorous nod. </p><p>To Benson, it took forever, but the lawyer wanted to take her time trailing her fingers down Olivia’s abdomen, feeling the muscles flex as her eyes landed on glistening folds. She’d looked at her girlfriend that first time, but now, in this moment of indescribable intimacy, Alex was finally seeing her. Liv wanted her, and not because she existed as a vessel for the brunette’s pleasure, but because she loved her as a human being, loved her flaws and imperfections, loved her laugh and her nerdiness. </p><p>Alex couldn’t even comprehend how unbelievably erotic this knowledge made the moment her fingers connected with warmth, sliding easily back and forth over beckoning flesh. Olivia gripped her hand, crying out at the relief of being touched after so long, and being touched in this way by the woman she loved was like nothing she’d ever experienced. <br/>After a few moments of experimental touches, the prosecutor carefully brought her pointer and middle fingers to Liv’s clit, pressing a kiss to her pulse point and murmuring words of affection into her ear.</p><p>Cabot never knew this could be so easy.</p><p>She knew communication and feedback would be essential here, and she didn’t want Olivia to pretend to be enjoying this, so she absolutely planned on asking her how her touch felt—that wasn’t necessarily the easy part—but what made it easy was the connection between the women. The intimacy felt right; the vulnerability just made sense. As her fingers traced circles and her lips peppered kisses against her face, Alex reminded herself to commit the moment to memory. She was making love to Olivia. And she was absolutely, entirely comfortable.</p><p>Safe.</p><p>“Does this feel good?” she whispered into a red ear when the detective’s reactions died down slightly.</p><p>She hummed. “Mm, baby. Just a little,” she gasped, “just a little harder.”</p><p>“Got it.” She knew she’d rectified the situation when her girlfriend’s hand gripped hers and the brunette’s other set of fingers wrapped tightly around her forearm, holding her hand in place. </p><p>“This okay?” she croaked, not wanting to trap the woman into any position.</p><p>“You’re good,” Alex promised. “Do what feels right, baby,” she encouraged, once again leaning over Benson’s chest and gently taking a nipple into her mouth, sucking in time with her tender circles.</p><p>Alex completely lost herself in the arching of Olivia’s back, in the watering of her eyes, the rippling of her muscles, the beauty of her sounds of approval, in the way her moans increased in frequency and pitch as the wetness between her legs pooled. And when her entire body went rigid and her lips parted in a silent scream, the blonde buried her face into her girlfriend’s sweaty neck and repeated the phrase “I love you” over and over again, like a mantra. </p><p>The moment was intoxicating. She’d enjoyed watching Olivia climax that first time, but this wasn’t like that. Alex felt no guilt, no shame, no underlying emptiness.</p><p>This is how their first time should have been.</p><p>But she sent the thought flying out of her mind almost as quickly as it had arrived because what the woman wanted to focus on was Olivia, on her breath, on her smile, on her.</p><p>“Al,” she panted after around a minute, gripping onto her with both hands.</p><p>“I’m here, honey.”</p><p>“Are you—”</p><p>“I’m fine, love. I’m amazing.” She lied fully down next to the woman, keeping her right hand nestled against dripping flesh and wrapping her left arm around Olivia’s waist, pressing a kiss to her collarbone. She’d spent years wanting to kiss that collarbone, and now it was there, waiting underneath her lips. One more kiss. “I love you.”</p><p>She felt Benson stretch her limbs. “I love you,” she murmured, her eyes finally opening as her right hand travelled down the plane of her abdomen to rest over Alex’s, the heat radiating from her core warming them both.</p><p>“How do you feel?” the ADA asked softly, turning her hand around and interlocking their fingers.</p><p>“Mm, I’m incredible. Wow, Al. You—” She just shook her head in astonishment.</p><p>“I take it it was good?”</p><p>Liv nodded. “Amazing. You’re amazing.”</p><p>They cuddled together in comfortable silence for some time, and then Alex lifted her head up, searching for chocolate orbs. "Liv? Can we keep going? I want to try. It's been months. Therapy has been going well." The vague throbbing between her legs was something she could ignore as she’d pleasured the woman she loved, but now that the distraction was resting comfortably in her arms, she craved the antidote to the pressure at her core that came and went day in and day out.</p><p>Maybe it was possible. Maybe she could do this.</p><p>Olivia rested her hand against the small of the younger woman’s back, letting her knuckles brush long lines up and down her spine. “If you want to—”</p><p>“—I do,” Alex interrupted, making Liv laugh lightly.</p><p>“I figured as much,” Benson mused, kissing the hand that lied against her collarbone. “If you want to do this, I’m more than happy to. But we’re going to have to talk a lot. For my safety as well as yours.”</p><p>“I know, honey,” the attorney acknowledged. “We’ll take it slow.” She cradled the other woman’s face in her hand, reconnecting their lips and humming into the embrace.</p><p>“Everything I do will be gentle,” the brunette decided to add. “Nothing I ever do should hurt, and if it does, I want you to tell me.”</p><p>Alex swallowed, letting her pointer finger draw patterns on the older woman’s chest. “I will, I promise.”</p><p>Olivia sighed. She’d been dreaming about the opportunity to touch her girlfriend for months, but she didn’t allow herself to get her hopes up. If they were going to do this second by second, then she was going to anticipate things second by second. “How do you feel about me lying on top of you?”</p><p>Alex pondered the idea, biting her lip. “That’s okay. For now,” she added.</p><p>“Okay, my love.”  Liv nodded, rolling them over so she was just halfway on top of her girlfriend, pressing her lips to Alex’s cheek and then her pulse point, moving down towards her collarbone when the blonde gripped on to her wispy hair and threw her head back against the pillow. “You don’t have to be quiet,” she murmured into her ear, kissing the shell, having had predicted this course of events.<br/>“I…I’m not sure….” She worried her lower lip again, studying Olivia as she pecked her chin.</p><p>“If you’re not naturally loud, you don’t have to start screaming,” she assured her with a small chuckle, “but I want you to react in the way that feels right. Does that make sense?”</p><p>Alex nodded, blushing. She reached for the cop’s hand and lied it over her heart like she had the night before. “It’s going to take time for me to feel completely comfortable with…everything,” she disclaimed, “but my heart…right now, in this moment…it beats for you.”</p><p>The older woman smiled, leaning down to press a lingering but chaste kiss to the prosecutor’s lips as her hand migrated from her chest to her side, scratching lightly, giving Alex a few moments to breathe and release some tension from her body. Eventually, she pulled away so that the blonde could see what she was doing with her hand, letting her fingers dance onto her ribcage, a quiet squeak escaping Alex’s throat. She giggled quickly at herself, resisting a twinge of embarrassment, as Liv spoke to her, her eyes clearly on the rapid rise and fall of her chest and the breasts adorning it, nipples sensitive and on alert. “Can I…?” For some reason, she wasn’t quite sure how to finish the inquiry, the beauty of the creature below her rendering her speechless.</p><p>Cabot just nodded. “Please. I trust you.” Liv’s touch had been so soft, so tender, and she’d never felt anything like it. She needed the contact. Though she seemed collected, her body was screaming, begging for more. </p><p>Olivia kept her hand around the other woman's ribcage, but slid it up slightly so she could use the pad of her thumb to carefully stroke the underside of her right breast, the flesh dipping along with the pressure of her thumb. Liv had never felt anything softer in her life. It was almost unfathomable. She let her thumb smooth over the pillowy skin once more to convince herself she wasn’t dreaming.</p><p>Though she’d been more than sated, she felt a dull ache in her center, which she promptly ignored to focus on the woman she loved, who lied below her—so vulnerable, so trusting, so awe-inspiring. </p><p>Alex caught her girlfriend’s chin with her knuckle, making their eyes meet. “Kiss me,” she requested softly, the downcast movement of her eyes making it clear she wasn’t talking about her lips.</p><p>The detective peppered wide circles of kisses into the skin of each breast, stopping just before the darkening of more sensitive skin. She could have sworn she heard a whimper coming from the younger woman, along with a distinctive tug of her hair. “Liv,” she panted.</p><p>“I’ve got you, sweetheart,” she promised, starting by pecking the tip of the rosy bud, opening her mouth slightly to envelop the peak just barely in warmth when she received a positive response. </p><p>Alex squirmed on the bed below her, fighting the urge to shove her lover’s mouth against her body. Olivia was moving slowly for a reason. She had to trust her. The gentleness she was being shown was beyond comprehension. The tenderness of her fingers as they moved over her skin, the way she gingerly held her close, the discernment she used when lightly suckling on sensitive peaks, smiling against her flesh at each involuntary sigh that escaped the ADA’s lips. It was all so careful, so loving. So Olivia.</p><p>Olivia was making her feel good. And she, herself, was enjoying it too. The pressure between her legs was becoming unbearable now, and she wasn’t sure how to proceed. Liv would know, wouldn’t she? </p><p>As the cop released a nipple with a pop and a gentle smile, Alex ran her fingers through brown hair. "Can you...can you touch me over my underwear?"</p><p>“You feel ready for that?”<br/>Alex sat up halfway, lifting her hips and pulling down her pajama pants. “I do,” she sighed. “Don’t,” she stammered, “don’t move it. Not yet.”  When Liv continued to look at her curiously, Cabot reached out to squeeze her bare shoulder. “If you’re not ready to go this far, that’s okay, Liv,” she told her softly.</p><p>“I’m good if you’re good.” Alex nodded. “Go ahead and lie back down,” she invited with a sweet smile. “Do you want me to lie next to you or sit next to you?”</p><p>It seemed like a strange question at first, but the lawyer quickly understood that her girlfriend was giving her power. Making her feel powerful. “Will you…will you hold me?”</p><p>“Absolutely.” The response was instant, and in what felt like less than a second, Olivia had encircled Alex’s waist with her left arm, shifting her onto her side so that she was no longer flat on her back. Her fingernails etched comforting lines into her bare back. “Can you lift up your knee so I have room?”</p><p>Benson could see the dark patch of underwear that had grown wet with Alex’s arousal, and as the blonde placed her foot flat against the bed, the older woman kissed her forehead. “Let me see your eyes, and tell me when you’re ready.”</p><p>The younger woman’s heart was hammering in her chest, and though she felt anticipation, it wasn’t entirely pleasant anymore. She reminded herself to breathe through it, to focus on what she knew to be true—she was with Olivia. And Olivia was waiting for her go. Taking a long inhale of Liv’s shampoo, she nodded, her eyes boring into chocolate orbs of tenderness and love.</p><p>Her touch was soft, careful, and oh, so hesitant. At first, it was just her fingers, and it was just the ghost of them, something Alex wasn’t even sure she felt. Watching her breathe, the cop let her palm make contact, watching the woman she loved close her eyes as she pressed a light kiss to her neck.</p><p>A moment of perfection.</p><p>Then suddenly, without warning, it wasn't Liv's hand against her underwear anymore, and a unceremonious sob ripped through her entire body, her thighs snapping together. "I can't do this. I'm sorry, Liv, I can't do this."</p><p>Olivia tried to leap into action, but her hand was trapped between Alex’s legs, most likely adding to whatever stimulus had caused this reaction. "Breathe, baby. It's okay. I need you to separate your legs, just a little bit, so I can pull my hand away. I don't want to keep it here and trigger you,” she cooed into Alex’s ear, trying to put some distance between the rest of their bodies. “It's just my hand, but I can't move it away until you let me.” Alex’s thighs relaxed a miniscule amount with a soft whimper, tearing Olivia’s heart to shreds and the brunette’s eyes teared up. Had she done something wrong? “There you go,” she murmured, pulling her hand far away from overheated flesh. “You're safe, sweetie. It's just you and me here."</p><p>Alex had yet to open her eyes, as she was caught somewhere between the present and somewhere else, the specifics of which she wasn’t sure about. "I'm sorry, Liv,” she cried. “You must hate me."</p><p>“Alex, I need you to open your eyes.” She hated having to take command of a situation, but every once in a while, Cabot needed the older woman’s soothing, yet authoritative instructions to get through endless moments of fear. "Look at me. Focus on what you know is true,” she implored her, a prompt that had been taught to them by Kimani. “Do I seem angry to you?"</p><p>Her eyes fluttered open, her chest heaving and her clit still throbbing. Jesus Christ. "No, but—"</p><p>"—no, period,” she interrupted firmly but gently. “I could never hate you, and I'll never be upset with you about something you can't control.”</p><p>Beginning to calm some, her vision cleared and the sound of Olivia’s voice became more obviously Olivia. She wasn’t in the cabin, she wasn’t trapped. The brunette wasn’t even touching her anymore. She was safe. “I don’t know what happened. I was fine. It came out of nowhere. I’m so sorry, Liv, I—"</p><p>“Just look at me, sweetheart. Look at my eyes. All you'll see is love. Focus on what you know is true,” she repeated, cloudy blues starting to focus on a soft, loving gaze. “You’re with me. You’re safe. I would never touch you without your consent.”</p><p>“I know,” Alex heard herself saying, still confounded by the events of the previous minute or two. “I’m safe. You love me. I’m safe.”</p><p>“You're okay,” the older woman swore, wiping some sweaty hair out of Alex’s face once she knew the blonde was conscious of her surroundings. “We knew it would be hard."</p><p>Cabot covered her eyes with her hand, trying to conceal the steady stream of tears that continued against her will. "I just want to be able to have sex with my girlfriend like a normal fucking person!"</p><p>Liv simply couldn’t imagine the anguish. She carefully pried her girlfriend’s fingers off her face, her own breathing beginning to slow as Alex became more lucid. "We'll try again, love. Can we talk about what went wrong?"</p><p>"Nothing, sweetie. Absolutely nothing.” Her voice rose as she agitatedly threw her hand against the comforter she lied on, frustrated with the knowledge that the most amazing person she’d ever met was likely blaming herself for the latest in a series of her own failures. “You're perfect. I'm the one that's messed up. God, I fucking suck. I’m so pathetic."</p><p>"Hey,” she coaxed, deciding to lie down all the way next to the other woman. “This is the farthest we've gotten. That's amazing. You should feel proud."</p><p>She shook her head. "I'm not gonna feel proud when I have to tell Kimani about this."</p><p>The cop let her process in silence for a minute or so before squeezing her hand to ensure she was still grounded to the present moment. "What's going on in your mind?"</p><p>Alex swallowed thickly, her attention returning to the wetness in her underwear. "I'm...really turned on."</p><p>"Okay. Is that making you uncomfortable?"</p><p>"It makes me feel vulnerable, like I'm just going to come, even if I don't want to." Helplessness. Lack of control. Powerlessness. Forced to feel whatever Tammy wanted her to feel. Why had Olivia’s touch brought her back? There were zero similarities between Tammy’s rough thrusting and Olivia’s loving caress. Why did her body send the same messages to her brain about both?</p><p>"You feel that aroused?"</p><p>"No.” Alex shook her head, once again embarrassed. “Maybe. I don't think so. I never really paid attention to my body in that way, to connect what I was feeling to the way I was responding."</p><p>Liv bobbed her head up and down. "So, is it the unknown that's freaking you out?"</p><p>"It's the lack of control, I think."</p><p>Olivia’s heart throbbed at the sheer hopelessness in Alex’s voice. She was still trying desperately to aid in the process, to share earnestly with her girlfriend. Her commitment to healing was legitimately awe-inspiring, and to see her in moments of abject doubt was excruciating. "We're going to work on giving you back some of that control, love, I promise. Can I hold you?"</p><p>Alex nodded, her lower lip quivering. "Please. I'm sorry."</p><p>"Shh, you're okay.” Olivia promised again, lying on her back and encouraging the woman she loved to rest on her chest, keeping her breathing steady to serve as an example for Alex as she tried to re-regulate. “Focus on what you know is true,” she whispered, two hands landing on her back. “I've got you."</p><p>The attorney was still spinning, and she found her lips moving of their own accord, speaking words she didn’t entirely believe to be valid, but her fear of being alone now that she had experienced companionship was horrifying. "I tried really hard, just please don't leave me."</p><p>Benson squeezed her, tears stinging her eyes. "Al—”</p><p>“I’m having a moment,” the younger woman realized, exhaling deeply, holding tightly onto her anchor. “I know you’re not going to leave me. I know you love me. I know you’re safe. I’m safe.”</p><p>Liv pressed a lingering kiss into the crown of her girlfriend’s head, letting her hands wander aimless over her bare back as she hummed soothingly into her ear. "I know that you are trying hard. Your work is paying off. You just still have more healing to do first, and that's okay."</p><p>“Focus on what I know is true,” Alex reminded herself, taking a deep breath. “You love me.”</p><p>“That’s right,” Olivia whispered into her ear, holding her close. “I love you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading! I know some parts of this chapter were particularly heavy, but I hope it still maintained some optimism. I got so deeply sucked into this chapter. I couldn’t stop writing it, so I did the entire thing in only a few hours. As always, I encourage you all to share your thoughts with me!<br/>-Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Chapter 29</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 29. Content warning for discussion of triggers during sex, a rape survivor in crisis, and mentions of involuntary sexual response.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 29</p><p>Olivia reentered their bedroom at two forty-nine, sitting gently on her girlfriend’s side of the bed and ensuring she was awake before lightly placing her hand over Alex’s elbow. "Sweetheart, it's nearly three in the afternoon. Are you not wanting to get up?"</p><p>Cabot groaned, rolling onto her side and burying her face into the pillow. It felt as if there was a brick on her chest, pinning her in place, and her head was throbbing. "Just want to stay here."</p><p>The brunette grimaced, moving her hand in comforting lines up and down the younger woman’s arm. Alex hadn’t left the bed since the two women had gotten into it the previous evening—not to pee, not to get some water, not to eat. "Baby—"</p><p>"Just please, leave me be, Liv,” she snapped, chiding herself for once again taking out her self-directed anger on Olivia. It wasn’t Olivia’s fault the attorney was in this situation. Liv was the only reason she even saw a light at the end of the dark tunnel. “Just, please,” she repeated, her voice softening. “I don't want to do anything."</p><p>Benson’s hand migrated to her back, and she shifted her body, pivoting on the bed so that she could better see the other woman’s face. "Are you anxious? In pain? Is there anything I can do?" she asked gently, her fingertips finding matted hair and tucking it behind her ear, getting a better view of her cloudy eyes, including her constricted pupils and dark circles. </p><p>Alex shook her head, letting her eyes meet Liv’s as she sniffled softly. She didn’t want to worry her girlfriend, but she felt absolutely shitty and wasn’t up to hiding it. "I'm just...feeling down. And it feels like there’s a little man with a hammer inside my skull. I'll live, honey."</p><p>"Do you want me to try and call and see if we can get in for an emergency appointment with Kimani? Maybe she can get us in Monday morning.” The ADA seemed unenthused by the prospect. “I know you're embarrassed. But this is what she's here for. You're still spinning like a top over what happened, baby. You may need some help processing." </p><p>Olivia continued to gently move her fingers through Alex’s hair, studying the vulnerable woman as she gripped onto the brunette’s forearm and shed a few errant tears. "I don't want to go."</p><p>“Okay,” Liv sighed, eager to assure Alex that it would be her choice. "You don't have to. You don’t have to do anything, my sweet. You don’t even have to get up today if you don’t want to. If you’re not ready to work through last night, then that’s totally alright."</p><p>"But I really think I should,” the prosecutor announced, her eyes clearing somewhat as they bore trustingly into Olivia’s. </p><p>"Well,” the detective thought aloud, never ceasing the tender stroking of her fingers over and through Alex’s unkempt locks, “I can call the office and see if they answer. You don't have to commit yet."</p><p>Eventually, the younger woman hummed, linking her fingers with her girlfriend’s. She felt so impossibly stuck and more unsure than she had in a while. Olivia was sitting with her, speaking softly to her, touching her lovingly, but still—she was acting as if the previous evening hadn’t bothered her. "Okay. I'm really sorry about what happened."</p><p>"Please don't apologize to me about that,” she practically begged, sliding off the bed and kneeling down beside it so she would be at eye level with Alex, “I'm only upset because I know you're suffering, sweetheart.”</p><p>“I don’t want to feel this way.” Alex brushed her fingers through Liv’s hair, needing the closeness and intimate contact. </p><p>“I know, baby,” Liv acknowledged, wrapping an arm around the other woman and pulling her close so that their foreheads met. “I know you don’t.”</p><p>“I really was having fun before everything went to shit.” She swallowed, focusing on the feeling of Olivia’s knuckles brushing lines up and down her bare back. She hadn’t even redressed after the “incident”, instead curling up in Liv’s arms and silently crying herself to sleep. She was fairly sure she’d fallen into fitful slumber at some point, but she’d been awake since her girlfriend left the bedroom, staring at the ceiling, her only movement the strained blinking of her puffy eyelids. “I don’t want you to think that there was any part of me that felt uncomfortable at all. It was so amazing. It felt amazing—watching you, touching you. And when I asked you to touch me,” she managed to get out, her lip quivering, “I thought… I thought it would be good. You were so gentle,” she breathed, mesmerized, tracing the features of Olivia’s concerned features with her pointer finger as she spoke. “So loving. I—I just froze. And I hate myself for that.”</p><p>The detective opened and quickly closed her mouth, resisting her instinctual urge to ask Alex to take back her last statement. She was entitled to feeling what she was feeling, even if the emotions she was experiencing were potentially damaging. That’s why Olivia was so dead-set on meeting with Kimani if at all possible. “Well,” Benson whispered, her voice breaking, “I love you. And that’s not ever going to change. So focus on that while you’re feeling this way, and remember, sweetheart, it won’t last forever. It won’t, Al.”</p><p>Alex nodded. She knew her thoughts were irrational. She hadn’t done anything wrong. What had happened had been involuntary. She hadn’t chosen to cry. She hadn’t wanted to snap her thighs together and tell Liv to stop. She had a million voices in her head begging her to keep going. But therein lied the problem, didn’t it? She’d been robbed of the opportunity to make that choice. She’d—once again—been powerless, doomed to follow her body’s lead instead of her mind’s, and it had just been too much to bear. So she’d snapped. “I think I do need help processing,” she eventually admitted. </p><p>“I’ll make the call,” Liv said, giving the woman she loved a sad smile and pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead. “I’ll just be in the hallway,” she told her quietly. “I know you have a headache, so I’ll bring you some ibuprofen too.”</p><p>When she returned, she placed a cup of water with a straw on the bedside table along with two red tablets, and the blonde dutifully sat up, suddenly self-conscious and covering her bare chest with the comforter she’d wrapped around herself. As Alex took the medication, Olivia began to speak. “There was no one in the office, so I left a message for Kimani, and she’ll probably get it Monday morning. But if you’re in a really, really bad place, I need you to tell me so I can get you some help before then.”</p><p>“I don’t need to be committed, if that’s what you’re asking,” Alex mumbled weakly, her hand coming to rest against her forehead as pain resonated throughout the entire region. </p><p>“I don’t necessarily mean hospitalization, baby. I don’t think you’re a physical danger to yourself. But through SVU, I can get ahold of a crisis counselor if need be.”</p><p>“I really appreciate the gesture, honey, but I don’t think I could tell a stranger about last night. I’ll be okay until Monday. I promise,” she said sincerely, guiding Liv down onto the bed by her hand and pulling her in for a hug. “I love you,” she breathed into Olivia’s shoulder, the gratitude once again overwhelming her. Clouds had moved into Alex’s sky, as they did from time to time, but she knew that eventually they would clear and the sun would shine again. That’s just how things worked. </p><p>“Thank you for fitting us in. We really appreciate it,” Alex said to the therapist as they sat down across from her that Monday morning before eight a.m, both of her knees bouncing in anxious anticipation. She’d managed to pass off an arraignment to a green ADA, who was more than eager to take the open and shut case, when Kimani had returned Olivia’s call, offering the women her earliest appointment. </p><p>“Of course. The message that Olivia left on the phone was concerning to me when I heard it this morning. It sounded like you were in crisis on Saturday, Alex. How are you feeling today compared to then?” Kimani asked gently, leaning forward.</p><p>“Better, I think,” the blonde responded, reaching for Olivia’s hand. Discussing her chronic issues in therapy was so much easier because she could be vague and use universalized language if she wanted. But the LMFT was asking about a specific event, and the attorney didn’t quite know where to begin. “I mean, not great, if I’m being honest, but I got out of bed yesterday. I’ve just been so fatigued. ‘Subdued’ might be more accurate. I’m not completely sure how to explain it.” The lawyer was very rarely at a loss for words, but even now, more than forty-eight hours out from her spontaneous panic as<br/>
Liv so delicately touched her, her eyes were heavy and her limbs felt like dead weight.</p><p>“That’s okay, Alex,” Kimani said to her, offering a comforting smile. “What I’d like to do, if you’re up to it, is go through your version of events that night. I want to hear what the whole experience was like for you and even, if you’ve processed at all, what you think happened and why.”</p><p>Cabot nodded. “Okay. I think I can do that, or at least try.”</p><p>“Trying is perfectly good enough,” Kimani assured her, pushing away the memory of Tammy on loop telling her she had to do, do, do. </p><p>“And I’m right here, Al,” Olivia reminded the woman she loved gently, squeezing her hand. </p><p>The therapist put aside her notes for the time being, wanting to focus on her client as she spoke. “So, you decided to try and have sex Friday night. Can you start with that?”</p><p>Alex felt like she was giving a statement. Would Kimani want the cold, clinical details of every moment? Would she want to know how the attorney’s nipples had hardened in response to Liv’s fingers ghosting across her skin? Would she want to know how her pupils dilated and her mouth went dry as the brunette’s orgasm had rioted through her? How Alex’s clit throbbed the moment the older woman’s fingers had made barely existent contact with her underwear and she felt as if her entire body would  combust? Would she be expected to share these terrifyingly intimate details with the woman who patiently waited several feet away? How would Liv respond to hearing these things?</p><p>“I, um, I asked Liv if we could try on Thursday, and we agreed it was a good time to see how far we could go.”</p><p>“That’s great,” Kimani encouraged. “This was without a doubt a significant step for you both, and Alex, I really want you to recognize that, regardless of how it ended.” Cabot nodded. “What happened Friday”</p><p>“Everything was going great,” Alex stressed, “until it wasn’t.”</p><p>“Okay. It definitely sounds like your negative reaction was a surprise to you.”</p><p>“I bet it surprised Olivia too.” She turned to the older woman. “I can’t imagine how scary it must have been, sweetie. I trapped your hand. You couldn’t pull it away. I’m so sorry.” A new thought entered Alex’s mind, and it was an egregious one. She’d effectively forced Olivia to keep her hand on her as she’d panicked. Had she…had Alex assaulted Olivia?</p><p>“Hey,” the cop cooed, ignoring Kimani’s presence for a moment, “listen to me. There’s nothing you need to apologize for, baby. Nothing,” she insisted. “Do you think you can rewind a bit and fill in the details for Kimani?”</p><p>Alex bobbed her head up and down, leaning more fully into Olivia’s side. Olivia wasn’t mad. She wasn’t angry. It hadn’t been her fault. She’d been powerless. She’d had no control.</p><p>No control.</p><p>“I…I made love to Olivia.” Alex shrugged, knowing the therapist would want more detail. “I wasn’t scared at all, a little hesitant maybe, since I’m not really used to sexual intimacy, but it felt right. It felt safe. I…” she gulped. “…really liked it. I was…turned on.” She knew she was blushing, feeling scorching heat arrive in her cheeks and ears. “And I wanted to keep going. I was a little nervous at that point, maybe, but I was mostly excited. Liv was so careful, and she was being so gentle, it just made sense to try. So I asked….” Benson wrapped an arm around her girlfriend, grounding her to the moment as they approached the hard part. “I asked her to touch me over my underwear. I thought it was a reasonable step. It was a touch exercise we hadn’t gotten to yet, but…I thought the barrier would be enough. Evidently, it wasn’t,” she laughed mirthlessly.</p><p>She continued to explain what had happen next, her sudden need to get Olivia away from her, the sob that ripped through her, the way her legs had closed of their own accord, and finally—finally she told her of the residual arousal that had stayed with her for hours, the pressure and the throbbing that reminded her of her failure without relenting as she’d battled with her own body for control, a lifelong fight that she’d thought had ended.</p><p>More powerlessness.</p><p>Less control.</p><p>Would it ever end?</p><p>“I also want to commend you both,” Kimani praised, “for reaching out to me during this difficult time. Alex, I know how hard it is for you to talk about these things, and I really admire your strength for coming in today. And Olivia, I know how badly you want to be able to support Alex on your own, so it shows a growing awareness of your boundaries that you were able to ask for help. I wish I had easy answers for you both, and I’m sorry I can’t help you leave here feeling like this is totally resolved, but I’m hoping to create a plan together so that you have a direction to go in.” </p><p>“Do we feel ready to talk about next steps?” the therapist asked once Alex had arrived at a more stable place and she’d ensured Olivia wasn’t silently harboring guilt. To the brunette’s own surprise, she wasn’t. At least not anymore. Alex had been correct when she’d said she’d done everything right, and even if there was a part of the detective that didn’t want to believe her, Alex was the only person who needed to feel like Liv did everything right. She was the one who needed to feel safe. And as far as Olivia was concerned, she did. When both women nodded, eager to move forward, the LMFT asked the prosecutor a question she wasn’t expecting. </p><p>"Can I ask if masturbation is something you do?" Kimani knew that she'd likely tried it because of the packet of solo touch exercises, but she wasn't sure if Liv knew, so she wanted to keep her question slightly vague.</p><p>"Well, yeah,” Alex replied, sensing the reddening of her face. She hadn’t attempted it since being given the new set of touch exercises, but she’d touched herself in less intimate areas and she’d considered what it would be like to do more. “I mean, it's been a while, but...I tried it a couple of weeks ago, and I was really pressuring myself. I think because I was alone, I just didn't feel safe in my own head and in my own body. But I've made progress since then, so..." </p><p>"Thank you for sharing that,” Kimani said to her. “I'm asking because it might be a good idea to integrate it into the sex practices you're already working on with Olivia, if you're interested in trying again."</p><p>"You want me to masturbate in front of Olivia? I..."</p><p>Olivia had an idea of where Kimani was going with this. "May I?" she asked the therapist.</p><p>She nodded. "Sure."</p><p>"We don't know exactly what it is that triggers you, right?"</p><p>Alex conceded this fact. "Right."</p><p>"It could be the sensations themselves, it could be another person's touch, it could be the vulnerability, or even a combination. If you can masturbate by yourself, it may not be the sensations. If you can do it with me watching you, and with me touching myself as well, maybe it's not the vulnerability." Kimani nodded along with Olivia’s words, and then she waited for the lawyer’s response.</p><p>When she was a small child, Alex had broken out in a series of rashes after eating breakfast, so her parents had been instructed by her pediatrician to expose her to different breakfast foods one at a time until they figured out which one was causing the reaction. Turned out she was sensitive to eggs, something she’d since grown out of. "So, basically you're trying to diagnose my allergy."</p><p>"I don't plan to diagnose anything, Alex. I want you to put into action a plan to figure out specifically what stimuli are most likely to be triggers for you. So, Olivia, you have the right idea there. Also, in thinking about those algorithms we've discussed, right, you already know more about your body than Olivia does, and vice versa. You can use this to teach each other, and it might help you learn to experience pleasure in a healthy way. This tool may be helpful."</p><p>Nausea grew in Alex’s abdomen, and she swallowed hard to rid herself of the bile that was threatening to escape her lips. "I guess that makes sense."</p><p>"The other thing I'll say, more broadly about masturbation,” Kimani continued slowly, “is I'm seeing your major issue as the feeling of not having control. If you can learn more about what you feel during each stage of arousal and still have the power to stop or keep going, then you may not feel like you're just at the mercy of your own body anymore."</p><p>It wasn’t that Kimani didn’t make sense. Alex had admitted that aloud. But though the appointment had been helpful, the overwhelming effect had become cumulative and now she was fidgeting and itching to run out of the room. She turned to Olivia, her eyes pleading for escape. "Can we talk about it more at home?"</p><p>Benson nodded immediately. “Of course, baby. You just did a lot of work in a short span of time. We can take a break.”</p><p>Kimani agreed. “I don’t mean to overwhelm you, Alex. If you feel like you need to stop here, I’m more than okay with that. I’d like to keep our original appointment for—” she glanced at her schedule. “—Thursday this week if you both are okay with that, so we can check in and maybe continue this conversation.”</p><p>Both women nodded, Alex growing more tired by the second.</p><p>“I do want to give you a little homework,” Kimani told them, taking a note, “but I want to be clear that it doesn’t have to be done by Thursday. Alex, are you completely overloaded, or do you think you can take this in?”</p><p>She cleared her throat. “I’m okay. I can listen. I’m just done talking about…about masturbating.”</p><p>“That’s totally normal, Alex,” she reassured her. “It’s not an easy topic. This might be more helpful in the immediate future since you’re going to need some time to recover from Friday before you move<br/>
into sexual touch again. So, I want you to have conversations around things that may be triggers. You don’t have to sit down and have an hour-long talk. But if you’re feeling up for it, maybe spend five or ten minutes exploring stimuli that you know give you anxiety or things you think could give you anxiety in the future. If you can discuss what you already know, Alex, when new things come up, it’ll be easier to address. Does that make sense?” The blonde nodded. “And you, Olivia?” The cop gave the same response. </p><p>After they left, the detective gave Cragen a call to say she was taking a personal day. She hardly ever took time off, so it came in handy when it was really needed. Alex didn’t need to be in the office for anything in particular either, so they headed to the apartment. When they arrived home, Olivia gently prevented her girlfriend from going straight into the bedroom. "Hey. I just want to check in with you while everything is still fresh. You don't usually clam up in therapy. Did you just get overwhelmed?"</p><p>She nodded. "Yeah. Was thinking about the shower and...the other night."</p><p>Benson squeezed the ADA’s bicep, humming softly. "That's understandable, but sweetheart, I think Kimani is right.” She paused for long enough to see that now that they’d arrived home and they were by themselves, Alex seemed more alert and more open to talking for a minute. “You should be able to touch yourself before I try to touch you. I'm not saying you have to do it for long or with any goal in mind. Just to try and feel good for a little while as you become more aware of your body and in more control. You deserve that at the very least."</p><p>"Would you do it with me?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'd love to. We'd come up with a plan first though, okay? And I do think at this point we should hold off on the one-sided sex for a while."</p><p>Alex bit her lip. Honesty was important, she reminded herself. "I like it though."</p><p>"I know.” The corners of Olivia’s lips quirked upwards. “I do too. But it creates a strange dynamic in our relationship, and it could be all in my head but—respecting my own boundaries means that I'm careful with yellow lights, yeah?” Alex knew she was right, and after the events of Friday, it was even more important to her that Olivia was taken care of. “Again, if it were just your preference, it wouldn't be a problem. But the last thing I want is to be the cause of a setback."</p><p>"Have you ever done mutual masturbation before?"</p><p>"Uh huh."</p><p>"Is it fun?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>"But actual sex is better, right?"</p><p>The older woman sighed, letting her hand move over Alex’s elbow and wrist, their fingers linking together. "It's different. And which is better depends on so many things.  I'm sure both will be great." </p><p>Cabot reached up to rub her tired eyes. "I think I'm going to take a nap. I’m still feeling pretty wiped."</p><p>“I’ll join you in a few minutes.” She rested their foreheads together, her eyes asking for a kiss, something that Alex was more than happy to oblige. “I’m proud of you, you know.”</p><p>Alex nodded. “I know.”</p><p>The older woman squeezed her girlfriend’s hand. “Go, go get comfortable. I’m going to have a cup of tea and then I’ll come lie down with you.”</p><p>“Big spoon?” the prosecutor requested softly, succumbing to her need to be taken care of. </p><p>“You know it.”</p><p>She undressed in the bedroom, pausing in front of Liv’s full-length mirror, eyeing her naked form, unsure of what she felt. Alex had always seen her narrow hips and flat chest as undesirable. But Olivia had looked at her with wonder, reverence. Could she channel that love for herself? </p><p>Her gaze traveled to the small patch of blonde curls between her legs, her right hand drawn to the warmth waiting there. She cupped her most intimate area, her breath catching, as she began the first in a series of solo touch exercises she hadn’t yet had the guts to try.</p><p>A shiver worked its way through her body—resistance. "It's okay,” she whispered to herself. “You're okay. You deserve this. This is safe." </p><p>She continued speaking to herself softly, her hand impossibly still, though something inside her urged her to move her fingers. She resisted her body’s beckoning, remaining in total control of herself, breathing deeply and sighing audibly. She tipped her head to the side, smiling softly when she heard a knock against the closed door. Olivia always knocked.</p><p>“I’m naked, baby,” she warned, “but you can come in if you’re comfortable with it, or I can put clothes on first.”</p><p>Liv creaked the door open, padding into the carpeted room and walking to Alex when she gestured for her to approach, wrapping her arms around the younger woman from behind and kissing her cheek as they watched themselves in the mirror. “Whatcha doing, love?” she asked softly.</p><p>Alex hummed, her hands encircling Olivia’s forearms. “Just taking back some control.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thanks for reading! I appreciate the influx of comments/kudos on the previous chapter. If you keep that up, my motivation will stay high as well! As always, I welcome thoughts, comments, questions, ideas, etc.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Chapter 30</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 30.  Content warnings for discussion of triggers, discussion of orgasm and arousal, and detailed discussion of sexual abuse. The conversation had in this chapter will be more detailed than they have been in a while. And it ended up being more intense that I originally planned for. As always there is hope for resolution, and there will be, but Alex has been in and out of a very dark place recently. I thought about changing it a little, but I decided to keep it this way because it’s a pivotal moment for Alex and not shying away from the intensity is important to me. That being said, I’m always open to constructive criticism if it is needed. Please take care of yourselves.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 30</p><p>Alex returned home in the rain. It was hot for early January, and the clouds caused it to be almost dark at only just after four in the afternoon. Wiping off her feet by the door, she let out an involuntarily audible sigh, dropping her briefcase unceremoniously on the floor and stomping into the kitchen, where Liv was making dinner. </p><p>“Liv, that smells amazing,” she told her with a groan. “Hi, love.”</p><p>“It’s just spaghetti and marinara sauce, but it’s not Prego or Ragu, so that’s something.” The brunette pecked her girlfriend’s lips, a small laugh escaping her. "Hey, baby. Long day?"</p><p>“Yeah,” she sighed, leaning against the dishwasher as the older woman continued to stir. "Jury selection is taking forever. This jury pool is really unremarkable, and four of them are Catholic. I'm not even asking for much from Kressler. Just a jury that's not automatically going to believe D'Agostino over the boys. At this rate, I'm not going to get to try this case until next year. Oh, and also, get this—I started my period in court.”</p><p>Liv mouthed, “Oh no,” smiling in response to Alex’s quiet laugh. The ADA seemed to be more amused than anything else about the development. </p><p>“I had to request a recess. I'm just glad to be home."</p><p>“Sounds like it,” Olivia commented, reaching out to squeeze the blonde’s forearm in comfort. “Well, just keep fighting for a fair chance. That’s all you can do, right?”</p><p>“I will.”</p><p>“I know. It’s what you’re good at.” She gestured towards the refrigerator. “Hey, I made a salad too. Will you grab it from the fridge, love?”</p><p>“Yeah, of course. Thank you for cooking, Liv. It’s really nice to come home to a meal and a kiss.”</p><p>Benson smiled at her girlfriend sadly when she turned away from her to open the refrigerator door. Things she’d taken for granted over the years when she’d been in relationships were things that Alex had never once experienced. She’d returned to the huge, lonely penthouse after long days in court to nothing but leftover Chinese food and the mind-numbing whir of the air conditioner. Of course the blonde would savor these small moments. “Hey, come here,” she beckoned the prosecutor towards her, encircling her waist and holding her securely as their foreheads met. “Let me kiss you properly.”</p><p>Alex melted when their lips connected, her fingers tangling in the older woman’s wispy brunette locks. Olivia always knew how to make her feel cherished, and she’d really latched on to the melancholy tone of her last comment. The attorney hadn’t meant to sound that way, but sometimes things just came out with Olivia, and they were always received with compassion.</p><p>“It’s nice to be came home to,” Liv laughed as they pulled slightly apart, “if that’s correct grammar.”</p><p>“I don’t think it matters much,” the blonde assured her, cradling her face with both hands and kissing her once more quickly. </p><p>After the attorney had changed, they ate in comfortable silence, both quietly moving to the couch with glasses of wine afterwards. Liv could sense that the woman she loved needed to unwind, so she opened up her arms in invitation and pressed her lips to the blonde’s head after she’d settled into the embrace. They exchanged few words for some time, Alex fiddling with the cop’s fingers using her own.</p><p>Eventually, she sighed, gathering up a great deal of courage. “Hey. Not to ruin a peaceful evening, but do you want to work some on homework? I know Kimani said not to rush it, but the longer we wait, the more nervous I’m getting.”</p><p>“Yeah, baby. We can do that. I don’t want you to be nervous about this though, okay?” She removed her hand from its resting place on the prosecutor’s abdomen and retrieved Alex’s wine, setting the two glasses down on the table in front of them—both for the clear-headedness that sobriety granted and to clear away any obstacles for intimacy as they spoke—and she shifted so that they could more easily face one another. “It’s just me. But I also understand why this is nerve-wracking. Just breathe through it and remember where you are.”</p><p>Alex nodded, quickly laying her feet over her girlfriend’s thighs, unwilling to break their physical connection in order to establish easy eye contact. After a few moments, they were settled into a comfortable, yet practical position. “And I’m not just trying to get it over with. I know how important it is to have these conversations, and I want to give them the time they deserve. But this is going to require me to give you some more information about my assaults.”</p><p>“Not necessarily, sweetheart,” Benson gently disagreed, resting her hands over the younger woman’s bare shins. “I mean, you’re welcome to if it feels natural, but I would never make you go back there.”</p><p>“I know.” She bobbed her head up and down, worrying her lower lip and exhaling forcefully to hype herself up. “It’s my choice. It just doesn’t get all that much easier.”</p><p>“You’re still in kind of an acute healing phase. Our talks won’t always be like this one.” It was as if Detective Benson possessed a degree in the science of Comfort. She always had the right thing to say, something to reassure the lawyer without invalidating her struggles and emotions. It caused waves of warmth to envelope her body as she listened to the soft, empathetic voice of her anchor, which was in stark contrast to the cold that ripped through her whenever her drill sergeant spoke. Somehow, these days, Liv was simply louder most of the time.</p><p>“Okay, I guess…I’ll guess I’ll start with the most obvious.” Olivia waited patiently, her eyes widening in expectant anticipation as her hands rubbed warmth into Cabot’s lower legs. “The idea of penetration always seemed violent to me,” she eventually blurted, her embarrassed blues locking on Liv’s soft hands. “I’ve always hated seeing it in porn, talking about it. I get why other women like it, like scientifically, but I'm not ready to tackle it."</p><p>"That's okay,” she reassured quietly, tapping Alex’s leg and hoping it would suffice as a cue to look up. “It's good to know."</p><p>Cabot bit her lip again, but accepted her girlfriend’s request to reestablish eye contact. “And that doesn’t mean I’ll never want to—because being touched by you is like…it’s like a spiritual experience, and I don’t want to miss out on anything.”</p><p>Olivia chuckled lightly, but it was more in agreement than for humor’s sake. “We have time, love. If and when you want to try, I’d be so careful and—”</p><p>“I know, baby.” Alex smiled softly. “Careful just isn’t an accurate description of what I’ve experienced in the past, and my body remembers.” Benson acknowledged her words with a squeeze to her lower thigh, as her hand had traveled upwards and over her crop pajama pants. “I think that’s one of the reasons I freaked out last Friday, you know? Like a part of me expected that we would just keep going, and—not that you would be violent, but that the experience itself would be. I’m not quite sure how to explain it. If Tammy, if Tammy wanted to be gentle, she’d never use penetration. It was like once she was inside of me, she couldn’t resist being rough.”</p><p>Olivia sat in silence for few seconds, almost succumbing to the urge to latch onto Alex’s leg with her fingers, anger coming over her again. More confirmation of what she already knew. She thought about what she’d discussed with Kimani, both on her solo trip to the office and when they went together, as well as her mantra for the last several months. Alex deserved the detective’s love, and yes, even more than her abusers deserved her hatred. “Can I see your arm for a minute?”</p><p>The ADA was admittedly slightly confused by the response, by the non-threatening hand held out in offering, by the way Liv just looked at her, no pressure in her eyes. “Uh, yeah.” She could trust her and still want an explanation, Alex told herself. “Why?”</p><p>The blonde scooted forward, planting her feet flat on the couch cushion as she bent her knees to compensate for the smaller space she was now taking up. Liv waited for her to surrender her arm before speaking again. “Do you remember when we first started doing our touch exercises, and you would flinch away from me sometimes?”</p><p>“Uh huh.”</p><p>“And how once you realized I wasn’t going to hurt you, and you said I could keep going, I would do this?” Olivia looked up at Alex’s conflicted orbs, gentleness cascading off of her in waves, as one finger slowly but intentionally made contact with the skin of the attorney’s arm. “I would look into your eyes and touch you so softly you could barely feel it,” she reminded her to add to the demonstration she’d already begun, their eyes locking together.</p><p>A flash of deeply buried emotion exploded out of Alex in a singular sob, tears immediately stinging her eyes at the memory. “I remember how weird it was at first because you were being so gentle, and no one had ever touched me like that.”</p><p>Olivia hummed, smiling softly, adding a small amount of pressure to her consistent ministrations. “And now it just feels safe, right? I asked for your arm, and you just gave it to me—because you have evidence that I won’t hurt you and you trust me. You still get nervous sometimes, but ninety-nine percent of the time, you don’t even question my touch anymore. Baby, your body has to relearn all these different kinds of touch, and that includes the safety of it all. Your memories of penetration still live in your body because that’s all you know. One day, if you decide you want to try, you will have new memories. Of love and of tenderness. Because this—” She let her pointer finger trace circles over the underside of Alex’s forearm, the first touch exercise they’d tried. “—is how I will always touch you. Okay? No pain. No fear. And always, always with your ongoing consent. But it’s going to take time and work.” Alex nodded, steadying her breath. “Can you tell me what else scares you?”</p><p>Keeping her tears at bay, the younger woman leaned her head against Benson’s shoulder, noting that she was now effectively sitting in her lap, but she didn’t mind. She was always struck by how much she needed this all-encompassing, all-consuming touch. "I just feel like if I keep going, you're going to know exactly what Tammy did to me."</p><p>Liv let her arms encircle the younger woman’s entire body, her right hand squeezing her thigh and the fingers of her left drawing patterns into Alex’s covered hip. "If you keep going. That's up to you."</p><p>"Well, I'll say one more thing."</p><p>She placed three kisses in quick succession on the crown of her head before tucking the ADA’s head under her chin and rocking her slowly when Benson felt her stiffen. "Yeah, whatever you're comfortable with."</p><p>"Do you remember how I panicked when you told me to relax?"</p><p>It seemed like so long ago. "Yeah, of course."</p><p>This was still one of Alex’s worst and most sensitive triggers. It didn’t take much more than the word popping up in casual conversation for panic to rip completely and intensely through her body, and in truth, she preferred to not even allow the word to stay in her mind. But sometimes, when Liv was touching her and she was nervous, the urge to spit, “Just relax, Alexandra. Jesus Christ,” at herself threatened to overwhelm her. </p><p>Olivia would somehow sense the nearly subconscious self-deprecation living in Alex’s wounded mind, and she would hum softly, wrapping her arms around the other woman and whispering the word that brought her unimaginable solace—“Breathe.”</p><p>"Well, she wouldn't just say it out of the blue,” Cabot explained to her girlfriend, looking up at her. “I'd get nervous, ask her to stop, try to sit up. I mean, I was already a survivor, Liv, and she trapped me.” The detective nodded, bringing her forehead down to meet the blonde’s, encouraging her to continue with compassionate eyes. It was an important feat that Alex understood how her previous assault had exacerbated her experiences with Tammy, how the compound, complex trauma had made it all so much more terrifying. “She would—usually gently—push me back down onto the bed and tell me to relax. If I resisted at all, she’d start yelling, telling me I was crazy not to trust her. So, I stopped resisting. It made it easier, faster. What happened with Pastor Paul was horrible in its own right, but Tammy was worse because I actually wanted her. I was having so much inner turmoil about being gay, and I thought she was just trying to take care of me. But she brushed off every hesitation. She didn't care. I know you care, but, I mean, if I start to get nervous—"</p><p>Liv’s heart constricted when she realized where the other woman was trying to go, her blue eyes no longer able to meet chocolate ones. "Look at me, love.” The command was gentle, but it didn’t leave much room for argument, not that Alex really wanted to argue. She knew what Olivia was doing, and she needed the careful guidance in order to fully absorb her words. “When we decide that it's time to try again, I will be looking for a green light the entire time. The moment it's no longer green, it's an automatic red. There will be no 'just relax.' If you're not already relaxed or you can't just take a few deep breaths and feel enthusiastic about continuing, you're not consenting. You're pressuring yourself into doing something you're not ready for. I will not ever be a part of that."</p><p>"It's just...sometimes it didn't hurt. Sometimes she was sort of gentle, like I said before, and it felt good, I guess,” she tried to rationalize. “But—I never felt safe to tell her no. I wish I'd told her no."</p><p>"It doesn’t matter that you didn’t say the word no, sweetheart. What she—"</p><p>"I let her!” she exploded. Alex had always been more willing to discuss Pastor Paul than she was to discuss Tammy, and Olivia was becoming excruciatingly more aware of the reason. The caring, brilliant, beautiful human being in the brunette’s arms wasn’t even sure what this horrible, predatory monster had done to her. “I let her do that to me,” she cried, her anger fizzling out and being replaced with dark, raw shame. “I never said no. I didn't even fight once she pushed me back down. I tried to relax. Sometimes I tried to enjoy it. Under the law—"</p><p>"Alex.” Olivia hadn’t seen the woman she loved this convinced of her own guilt since the Barnett case. She’d always discussed her assaults in terms of violence and abuse. How long had she been harboring fear that she’d somehow consented to what the cop knew were painful, brutal attacks? This whole time? She shifted out from under Alex, the younger woman, unsure of what she planned to do, beginning to shake almost imperceptibly. “Hey.” Her voice was impossibly gentle, leaving no room for doubt about her intentions. “Al, stay with me here.” She knelt in front of her on the couch, cradling her face in both hands. “You're an incredible attorney,” she said slowly, pained by her girlfriend’s decent into robot lawyer mode, “and I'm more than aware that rape is hard to prosecute without a 'no', but we're not talking about a trial. We're talking about a fifteen-year-old child, coming into her sexuality, already afraid of sex, and being coerced into surface level, passive assent so that Tammy could convince you she wasn't assaulting you. That's what I'm hearing.” She paused, watching for evidence in the other woman’s eyes that she’d caught up. “Is that what you experienced?"</p><p>To keep enough oxygenated blood flowing into her limbs was currently a laborious process for Alex. She knew deeply, fundamentally, that Olivia’s words were true, that what Tammy did to her was atrocious, subhuman treatment, but she also knew that had the circumstances been different—had Tammy been kind, patient, loving, had Alex been older, more prepared—she would have wanted those touches. She would have wanted those orgasms. Just like she wanted Liv. But, Alex reminded herself, vaguely aware of discerning fingertips gingerly wiping away tears, the circumstances had not been different. Tammy was vile, manipulative, and cruel once she’d gotten her alone, and the illusion she’d been groomed into believing vanished. Still, though, to that day, to Olivia’s tender eyes and angelic attentions, the narrative still lived. It was weak, in the process of dying, but it only took a word, a thought to give it terminal lucidity, a moment of freedom to once again attempt to destroy everything Alex knew about the world and about what love was supposed to feel like. She swallowed thickly, gripping both of Liv’s forearms. "I've never called it rape."</p><p>"Hey.” Her voice somehow grew softer, her hands travelling down her neck and over her shoulders. Alex generally didn’t shy away from touch in these moments because she needed the grounding as she calmed. The blonde’s breaths were still rapid, but they were now regular, consistent, and Liv’s hands welcomed her back to the reality Alex still questioned her worth to live in. “That wasn't my question, sweetie. What I described—is that what you experienced?"</p><p>A sheepish nod was at first all she could offer. "Yes. And that's, that's rape, isn't it?"</p><p>"I think so.” Benson squeezed her hands, relieved that with some gentle prodding, Alex had been able to come to her own conclusion. “But I can't tell you what to call it. It's yours to decide." The cop rose onto her feet and once again sat next to her girlfriend, reaching for her hand as they sat in silence for a few moments, Alex struggling to show herself compassion. “Will you bring this up with Kimani at some point?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll try. That’s, that’s probably a good idea, yeah? I just, sometimes if I’m not having a literal breakdown, these shameful fears I have just won’t come out, and the words I use are involuntary, which,” she added, exhaling audibly, “is not helping.”</p><p>“I can help you, if you’re struggling to find the words. But like I said, it’s not my experience, so it’s not mine to name.”</p><p>Alex took a deep breath, in and out, cleansing her mind. "I didn't mean to go down this rabbit hole again. I just wanted to ask you to, you know, if I'm not sure—Jesus Christ, Olivia, now it sounds like I'm asking you to not rape me."</p><p>“I think—” Olivia bit her lip. This wasn’t easy for her at all, but Alex had been there for her in her recent vulnerable moments, and in this particular moment, the attorney needed desperately to be taken care of. She’d have time to process and decompress. "I think that is what you're asking."</p><p>Alex felt another “moment” coming on, reaching up to cover her embarrassed features with both hands. "I'm sorry,” she choked out. How the hell was Liv ever supposed to heal if the younger woman kept reminding her of her fears?</p><p>"Shhh.” Cabot whimpered when Olivia’s hand landed carefully on her back, rubbing wide circles into her night shirt. The blonde wished she could blame this on premenstrual syndrome, but the time for that was fading away. “Baby, just breathe. I'm not upset."</p><p>"I trust you though. I don't want you to think—"</p><p>"Remember what I just said? All you've known is violence. Your body isn't going to forget that just because you want to spare my feelings."</p><p>"It's not you. I think I'm still afraid of Tammy. And I’m better now. Just been having lots of moments, with last week and two therapy appointments back to back. I do know that what she did to me was…wasn’t okay.” She’d planned on saying the word, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Liv smoothed her hand over Alex’s hair, knowing it wasn’t her place to push her to change her language if she wasn’t yet ready. “I promise. That fear has just lived inside me for so long, and it won’t die. And I've been struggling too because with the touch exercises lately, even before last week, I've been feeling...your touch has been turning me on sometimes. And it's just a whole lot to contend with at once."</p><p>"I can’t imagine how overwhelmed you’ve been. I want to help you.” Olivia grimaced. “Why are you just telling me this now, sweetheart?”</p><p>Alex knew Liv was going to hate this answer. "Because I knew you'd want to be even more careful, and I don't think I could handle the regression. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you."</p><p>"I understand why you're frustrated,” Benson validated slowly, pulling her hands away from her girlfriend’s body, knowing the lack of touch would get her attention, “but my concern at pretending nothing's changed is that that you'd become so desperate that your judgement would be compromised, and you'd try to force yourself into something you're not ready for."</p><p>Alex sighed deeply, wrapping her hand around Olivia’s in order to reestablish contact. "I don't have a counterargument for that, Liv. That's totally valid, and I can't promise I won't get to that place." </p><p>"Can I ask you a question?" The younger woman nodded. "Have you ever had an orgasm? Like, willingly?” The cop’s palm immediately met her face, a grunt escaping her. These conversations made her nervous, similarly to how they made Alex nervous, and sometimes a less than sensitive inquiry left her lips without her consent. “I'm sorry, baby, that's a horrible question. I don't know what I was thinking."</p><p>"No, it's okay, sweetie,” she assured, slightly amused by the fact that the last minute or so had been made up almost completely of awkwardness and frantic apologies. She was probably so exhausted, she decided, that everything just seemed funny. Voir dire, the extra pain her cycle added to the list, admitting her uncertainties about Tammy, and now this—for some reason, each woman allowed herself to run on emotional fumes, but God forbid the other experience even a minuscule amount of discomfort. “It's a reasonable ask, and you deserve to know these things. I'm a big girl, Liv. You have to trust me to say no if I don't want to answer, okay?”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> “Yes, I have,” she told her. “But only by my own hand. A few times, but it was never great. And yes, it does scare me. Why do you ask?"</p><p>Liv shrugged, unsure of how to answer. "It's relevant."</p><p>"That's not all of it,” Alex called her out softly for evading the question. “If you just wanted to know, that's more than valid, Liv."</p><p>Olivia leaned her head against the attorney’s shoulder. "I guess I did just want to know."</p><p>Joy rioted through Alex at the opportunity to turn the tables and focus on Liv. She knew how roughly her own fears poked at the cop’s wounds. "You can be honest with me, sweetheart."</p><p>Finally, the emotion of the evening—the pleasant domesticity of their dinner and cuddle session, Alex’s always proactive approach to doing their homework, the heartbreaking pain Olivia knew the love of her love still endured everyday, and how she herself was connected to all of it—spilled out of her and her lip began to quiver. "I'm just scared."</p><p>That, Alex could relate to. "About what, baby?"</p><p>The blonde let her fingers run lazily through short hair, holding her love’s head against her body as she spoke shakily. "About not being good enough, about scaring you, about hurting you."</p><p>Cabot pushed her gently away for just long enough to pull an Olivia and cradle her face in both hands, effectively forcing her to make eye contact. "Let me rebut your argument in three succinct points.”</p><p> Liv smiled softly. Juries loved the ADA’s “three succinct points” technique, and the brunette would be lying if she claimed she didn’t as well. The woman knew how to make a case. “One. You are more than good enough. Sorry, I don't make the rules.” She shrugged, bringing a tearful smile to the older woman’s lips.</p><p> “Two. You don't scare me. You could never scare me. Look how much care you're putting into this already. I promise you, baby, this tiptoeing around my trauma and treating me with kid gloves only feeds your own insecurities. And it's not that I don't appreciate your intentions, sweetie, but I can see you driving yourself crazy. Part of your healing has to be you trusting yourself. Because I trust you with my life.”</p><p>Alex waited until Olivia nodded in understanding, both women holding each other securely as they came down from the intensity of the evening.  Healing was a roller coaster, and it was one they wouldn’t ever be able to get completely off of, but somehow, someday, the drops would become less scary. It would just take time, work, and a hell of a lot of evidence on both their parts. “And finally. You know how I feel about you hurting me. You're not capable. I rest my case."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you, as always, for reading. Everyone take a few deep breaths, and hold on to the hope. I’m here for anyone who wants to talk. My intention is always to come at these storylines from a place of respect, but I am not all-knowing, and I always want to hear your thoughts.<br/>Much love,<br/>Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Chapter 31</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 31. I’d like to take this moment to shamelessly promote myself. If you like this story, you may also enjoy my Rolivia stories with similar plotlines. “Something Good” follows Amanda’s journey to experience sexual pleasure and feel deserving of love and affection. (“The Rose” and “I Can Wait” are one-shots in that universe.) “In the First Degree” follows Amanda in the immediate aftermath of being drugged and assaulted and goes until after the ensuing trial. Alex is a major character in this one! (“First Degree Snippets” is a series of one-shots connected to that universe.) And “Dirt in the Carpet” is a three part Rolivia friendship story that is mostly canon to the show and takes place during the most recent season. Would love to hear your thoughts on those! Thank you for all the love and support!<br/>Trigger warnings for discussion of penetration, masturbation, pelvic exam, in addition to usual topics.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 31</p><p>"It's been almost fifteen years,” Alex painstakingly said to Kimani after several minutes of silent processing and gentle back and forth, “and I'm just now accepting that what Tammy did...it wasn't weird or complicated. It wasn't sex. It straight-up wasn't sex.” She took a deep breath, turning towards her girlfriend, who was holding her hand.  The detective nodded in her direction, encouraging her to finish her thought, an obvious vote of confidence. She could do this. “And it wasn't just abuse or assault. It was rape. Tammy raped me. Many, many times."</p><p>“How are you feeling right now, Alex?”</p><p>She sighed, leaning back against the couch she sat on, stretching sore muscles and closing her eyes as she felt her girlfriend instinctively reach out to comfort her, a careful hand lightly making contact with her shoulder. “I’m not totally sure. It’s a release, I guess. I’ve wanted to say it out loud for a really long time. I guess I just wasn’t ready  until now.”</p><p>The therapist bobbed her head up and down. “It’s okay to be not entirely sure how you’re feeling. What you just did was a really big step, Alex, and it can be overwhelming to say the words.”</p><p>“Yeah,” the ADA agreed. “I mean, I’m okay. I know that. But I can’t decide if there’s closure or relief, or whatever else.”</p><p>“Let me ask you something,” Kimani requested after a moment. “You said that you and Olivia had a conversation about this last week, and that’s what really made you accept the reality of what you experienced. Is that correct?” Alex nodded in the affirmative. “Between then and now, have you struggled at all with thoughts of self-blame?”</p><p>Cabot glanced at the brunette, who nudged her lightly with her knee. “It’s okay. Tell her what you’re feeling. It’s okay,” she repeated softly. “You’re okay.”</p><p>“Yes, I do still have those thoughts,” Alex admitted eventually. “I’m not really sure how to make them go away.”</p><p>“Well, it’s not something that comes naturally to us, Alex. It’s a skill, and it’s one I’m happy to help you work on, but the habit of positive affirmation needs to be developed.”</p><p>The prosecutor was slightly confused. “You mean like, ‘I matter, I’m important, I deserve good things’?”</p><p>“Sort of,” Kimani told her. “What I’m wanting to teach you to do is change the narrative that exists in your mind about Tammy’s abuse by responding to and rebutting thoughts you know are irrational. So every time you think something harmful, you’d provide yourself with a counterargument to reply with.”</p><p>“So, how exactly would that work?”</p><p>“Would you feel comfortable sharing an example of a thought you know is irrational?”</p><p>Alex nodded. Kimani wasn’t judging her for her fears around Tammy’s abuse…Tammy’s rapes, she corrected herself, reminding herself that it was okay to use the word that most accurately described her experience. It had, indeed, been abuse, but underneath the umbrella of abuse, it had been rape, and she wasn’t going to deny that anymore. “Um, I guess something that Liv, something that Liv knows is I struggle with the fact that I didn’t say no.”</p><p>Kimani smiled softly in understanding. “I think that is a great example. You prosecute these crimes, so the legal portion of it all is really ingrained in you. But it sounds like you also know that as far as the effect it has had on you, that not saying no doesn’t mean you consented.”</p><p>“Right,” Alex agreed. “I understand how consent works in an ideal world, and I know that affirmative, freely given consent is before its time as far as legal statutes, but that in a relationship, it absolutely needs to be that way.”</p><p>“So, with your struggle with the thought that you didn’t say no,” the LMFT asked, “what do you think would be an appropriate rebuttal?”</p><p>Alex could handle this. She needed to brutally cross examine her drill sergeant. Needed to ensure his credibility was destroyed on the stand. Impeach him. Impeach the drill sergeant. He deserved it.<br/>
Attorney Alex was prepared, but human Alex hesitated for a few seconds. </p><p>She felt the cop’s forehead meet her temple, and she whispered calmly in her ear. “You can do this. Just breathe.”</p><p>Realizing she was holding her breath before the reminder, Cabot exhaled forcefully, worrying her lower lip. “I didn’t say no,” she acknowledged out loud to herself, “but what matters more is I didn’t say yes.”</p><p>“That’s perfect, Alex,” Kimani praised with a soft smile. “I’d like to suggest an addition to that statement if you’re open to it.” After a nod, the therapist leaned forward. “It might also be helpful to remind yourself that not only did you not consent, but because of your age, you didn’t even have the capacity to do so.”</p><p>“Right. So, there’s absolutely no way I I’m at all culpable for what happened.”</p><p>“Exactly.”</p><p>By the time they’d left the office, Alex was armed with solid responses to three of her most common irrational thoughts, and though exhausted, her pride in the progress she was making fueled her for the rest of the day. She met Olivia back at the apartment that evening, takeout in tow. She knew that what she needed was a romantic night with the woman she loved, and she hoped they could make a different kind of progress, something she approached carefully after they’d eaten.</p><p>“So, Liv,” she started, the older woman giving the blonde her undivided attention as they sat together on the couch, “I’d like to, um, you know, try…together.” She’d tried to touch herself in the shower a few times since Kimani had first suggested it, but she had a hunch that there was something about being by herself, without Olivia, that made the whole process feel unsafe. If she could feel Liv’s arms around her while she experienced the sensations, the emotions that came with each increasingly gentle stroke of her fingers, then maybe, maybe she wouldn’t feel so alone. At least at first. At least so she could take the memory into the shower with her, her body’s evidence of security. </p><p>Benson was unsure of the wisdom of this, but she reminded herself that taking Alex at her word was something she needed to work on. Still, checking once couldn’t hurt, right? “Are you in a good place for that right now, sweetie?”</p><p>The lawyer nodded, reaching for her hand. “I think so. I mean, I won’t know for sure until I do it, but…I feel okay.” She scooted closer, letting her thumb move in circles over Liv’s skin. “What about you? Are you in a good place?”</p><p>“Yeah, I think so.” It was the truth. Ever since Alex had made love to her, truly made love to her, Olivia had been missing her touch. Though she was experienced and skilled, what made her touch so amazing was the vulnerability behind it—the trust, the emotion, the way that they connected in those sacred moments. She longed for it each day, and sometimes she quenched her desire by taking care of her own needs, but it wasn’t the same. She was hoping that being close to Alex while she touched herself would provide enough of that connection to tame her want while still being safe for both women.</p><p>"Are we going to lie on the bed together?"</p><p>Liv shrugged, wanting to appear just slightly less invested in her girlfriend’s response than she was. “If you want to.”</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>They’d previously discussed a plan for if and when they decided to try this particular exercise. Alex had insisted on the option of being in the bed together, and Olivia had been adamant that it remain a choice, and not a requirement. Together, they decided that the extent of their touching would be kissing and hands only on above the waist, not inherently sexual areas. Benson added a condition that either one of them could put a stop to the activity at any point and for any reason. Alex had agreed, hoping her involuntary hesitance wouldn’t ruin her most likely chance of connecting with her girlfriend for the foreseeable future.</p><p>The brunette smiled softly, blushing. “Me too.”</p><p>“Well, come on then.” Alex stood up, extending her hand towards the older woman in the most casual invitation for physical intimacy she’d ever attempted. It was important to her that Liv felt safe to try this because more than anything else, the attorney wanted the opportunity to watch the love of her life come undone again.</p><p>And again. And again and again and again.</p><p>They slowly entered the bedroom, both women silently undressing. It went unsaid, but neither of them wanted to contend with any obstacles once they got started. It was only once Alex had lied her head against the pillow, realizing she was naked—in every sense of the word—that anxiety began to course through her body. Her hand rested on her stomach, just below her belly button, as the two paused to look at each other.</p><p>Cabot bit her lip, trying to inhale adequate oxygen. "Should this feel this weird, this awkward?"</p><p>The cop carefully laid her fingers over her girlfriend’s. "Awkward doesn't necessarily mean bad."</p><p>“I know.” She rolled onto her side. "Kiss me."</p><p>Her eyes automatically closed as the woman next to her cradled her cheek and pressed their mouths together, both of them sighing in relief at the contact.</p><p>Cabot studied the brunette intently after a few minutes as her hand almost of its own will travelled down her stomach, pausing at the small patch of dark hair between her legs. “It’s okay,” she whispered reassuringly, her own hand beginning its descent. She felt Liv’s gasp more than she heard it as desperate fingers met waiting flesh.</p><p>The detective consciously put her own fears aside, seeing nothing but trust in the younger woman’s eyes. She knew she wasn’t touching her, other than their free hands that they had wrapped around each other, but still, this was an understandably vulnerable situation, and Alex could trigger at any moment. The confidence the blonde was exuding in her own movements, however, was enough for Olivia to grant herself permission to focus on her own ministrations. Alex was healing by the day, and she would tell her if something was wrong.</p><p>The ADA closed her eyes once again, resting their foreheads together as her fingers began their memorized routine of dancing through now damp folds, deliberately avoiding her clit as she worked herself up. This had been her plan of action in the shower for weeks, and she’d gotten farther and farther each time, but she never continued once the voice in her head told her to stop. This voice wasn’t her drill sergeant. It was her own—gentle, measured, compassionate. The soft sounds escaping Liv’s throat provided all the stimulation she needed to grow wetter, something she’d always struggled with and still did. That’s why the shower was so convenient. </p><p>Two hearts continued to hammer away, practically in sync, as the women touched without touching. It was a sequence of moments of unfettered lust, something neither of them had allowed themselves to experience in the other’s presence and Alex hadn’t allowed herself to experience ever, and the sheer intensity of it was enough for a sob to build in the prosecutor’s throat. She breathed through it, her fingertips finally moving directly over her clit, her lips pulling frantically away from Olivia’s neck as she audibly forced air into her lungs.</p><p>The blonde shifted her fingers lower, letting them graze her opening for a moment, before she became consciously aware of the distinctively rough flesh below her touch, her body tensing. Barely dipping her forefinger into wet warmth, the attorney felt her muscles clench uncomfortably around the digit. Alex took a few deep breaths, noticing Olivia pause her movements, the one thing she wanted to avoid more than anything else.</p><p>"We can stop," the brunette offered breathlessly, feeling the woman beside her stiffen.</p><p>Alex shook her head, wincing as she pulled her fingertips away from a protesting core. "I'm done, but it's okay, Liv. I want you to keep going."</p><p>Benson bit her lip, conflicted. She so wanted to continue, as a pleasant burn had begun in her pelvis, but—Alex. What had happened? Did she need support in the moment? Had something frightened her? "You sure?"</p><p>"Yeah, honey.” She removed her hand from the other woman’s grasp in order to pull some sweaty hair away from her eyes, nuzzling her nose into the brunette’s pulse point. "You're beautiful."</p><p>They fell asleep pretty quickly afterwards, as Liv was totally wiped out and Alex had felt herself into exhaustion. </p><p>The lawyer made it down the stairs after Olivia the next morning, something that very rarely happened. She had taken longer than usual in the shower, anxiety building within her as the time went on.<br/>
"Can I ask you for a favor, baby?"</p><p>"Of course.” The SVU detective placed her coffee mug upside down in the sink, handing her girlfriend the Spanish mug that was liberally filled with dark roast. “Anything you need."</p><p>Alex took a cleansing breath, the embarrassment already invading her cheeks as they reddened. "I got a call from my gynecologist's office a few months ago. Apparently, it's been almost four years since I’ve had a pap smear. I totally forgot that the appointment is this afternoon.” She bit her lip, unsure how to phrase her request. “Can you step away from work for an hour or so?" She was unexperienced at asking people to do things for her, and to directly ask for support went against everything her drill sergeant had taught her for almost twenty years. </p><p>Olivia’s head tipped to the side, compassion forcing her to reach out with her hand to squeeze the nervous woman’s arm. "You want me to go with you?"</p><p>She took a gulp of her coffee, grimacing at the burn of the hot beverage as it scalded its way down her throat. "I know it's ridiculous. I shouldn't need someone to hold my hand. I'm a big girl."</p><p>"Hey.” Predicting Alex’s usual protective mechanism of downcast eyes and avoidance, the older woman caught her gingerly by the chin. “Sweetheart. I only asked because I wouldn't have expected you to be comfortable with that. There’s nothing to be ashamed of here."</p><p>"I'm just…” Olivia nodded at her, encouraging her to finish her thought. “I’m just trying to figure out how to make it not hurt so much."</p><p>Benson swallowed hard. Of course she’d never dream of forcing Alex to go alone, especially not after she’d so bravely requested her girlfriend’s presence, but she knew she was getting herself into something that would not be pleasant, something that would be distressing. The attorney had told her pelvic exams were painful for her. Liv was now used to watching the woman she loved in emotional discomfort, but was she prepared to witness Alex, who’d already suffered so much, go through physical pain, something that would likely be traumatizing? She shook her head at herself. She’d been proud of her progress with respecting her own boundaries, but this was a time where she needed to step up, the cop told herself. Alex had been enduring such anguish alone for so many years, the least she could do was hold her hand and make sure she was safe. "I'd be happy to go with you. Talk you through it. Help you with breathing. Does your doctor know not to tell you to relax?"</p><p>"I haven't told her, but I think she suspects something, what with the rather significant scarring I refuse to talk about."</p><p>"Would you want to tell her...if I'm with you? Maybe she has techniques for survivors or something."</p><p>Alex shrugged. She was already tired, and she hadn’t even left the house. "I don't know."</p><p>"You don't have to decide right now,” the brunette assured her. “But I do want to come with you, either way. Who's your Ob/Gyn?"</p><p>"Her name is Virginia Whitley. Works out of Mercy. She's good. Nice. Thorough. She just scares me by virtue of being a gynecologist." Alex took another large sip of her coffee, and it still stung going down, but not as much as it had earlier. Whether this was attributed to knowing Liv was in her corner or the logical effect of her drink cooling down was irrelevant to her.</p><p>"Well, we'll just take it a second at a time, and I'll help you talk to her if you decide you want to do that."</p><p>The medical assistant’s questions were always difficult. Her memory was sketchy at times, but she always remembered the first day of her last menstrual period, something she’d started keeping meticulous track of when she began working for SVU. If she were raped—on the job or otherwise—she’d need to know her chances of becoming pregnant, and she’d need to know immediately. </p><p>So instead of saying of saying “two weeks ago”, Alex immediately recited from memory, “January eighth.” </p><p>The trouble came when the woman, a not unkind but less than friendly employee named Deidre, asked Alex if she were sexually active. The issue was simple—Alex was not sexually active in the sense that she’d been touched intimately any time recently. However, she didn’t have what her father had referred to as an “intact hymen”, something she’d since learned was a puritanical myth, and it were possible she’d been exposed to sexually transmitted diseases in her lifetime. The thought made her shiver. She’d been tested in the past, and she’d been negative for everything, but though logic told her otherwise, she still felt dirty. And didn’t she have to answer yes to Deidre’s question?</p><p>She cleared her throat. “Not currently.” </p><p>All Olivia could do was squeeze her hand.</p><p>Next, her vitals were taken and Deidre repeatedly asked if Alex felt comfortable having Liv in the room during the exam, the thought of her leaving causing her heart to pummel her ribcage. The woman noted that she would let the doctor know that her vitals weren’t ideal, and she’d leave the equipment in the room in case she wanted to do a recheck.</p><p>The medical assistant handed her a robe to change into and what looked like a puppy pad to sit on. When Deidre left, Alex’s eyes met her clammy hands, draped protectively across her lap.</p><p>Olivia placed a comforting hand on the other woman’s shoulder, squeezing gently. “I promise, you are safe here with me. I will beat this lady up if she does anything to make you feel uncomfortable.”</p><p>She chuckled through an anxious breath. “Oh, God, Liv, please don’t do that.”</p><p>“I won’t, Al. Not unless it’s really warranted,” she added, pleased at the small smile it garnered. “But really, what can I do to help you?”</p><p>“I, uh, I have to change, but my legs are pretty shaky.”</p><p>After ensuring she’d feel comfortable with assistance taking off her clothes, the two women began the process, Alex encircling her own abdomen with her hands as she sat back on the table, her calves roughly hitting the side of it as her legs swung back and forth.</p><p>The ticking of the clock remained the only sound in the room until a knock at the door perked Alex’s head up. “Come in,” she croaked.</p><p>"Hi, Alex,” Dr. Whitley greeted, carrying a chart as she entered the room. “I see you've brought a friend."</p><p>A flash of clarity hit her as she leaned into the woman’s side. Their love was deep, long-lasting. Their relationship wasn’t juvenile, and the support the brunette was giving to the ADA was something she knew she’d never fully be able to comprehend. A nervous smile turned the corners of her lips upwards. "This is my partner, Olivia."</p><p>The brunette’s heart skipped a beat at the word the other woman had chosen to describe her, the introduction a welcome change to the air around them. If Liv hadn’t been so acutely aware of what awaited them in the next several minutes, she might have shed a few tears out of raw pride. Alex had outed herself publicly for the first time, with the exception of the team—that being said, she hadn’t actually had to come out to Fin. Ever the observant man, he’d approached the attorney one day in the precinct and said to her, “You two make a cute couple,” with a gentle smile, responding to the ADA’s panic with a soft pat on the shoulder and a promise that their secret was safe with him.</p><p>Not skipping a beat—to Alex’s great relief—the gynecologist offered her hand to the cop. "Hi, Olivia. Ginny Whitley."</p><p>Butterflies still swirling their way around her abdomen, the brunette recovered just enough to shake the woman’s hand. "Olivia Benson. It's nice to meet you."</p><p>"Likewise.” Dr. Whitley sat on a stool, scooting slightly towards her patient. “So, Alex, your vitals were a little concerning to me.” She read the notes on the paper in front of her. “A heart rate of almost one hundred forty and your blood pressure is elevated. Are you feeling okay?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm.” Cabot cleared her throat. “I'm just anxious, I think."</p><p>"That's perfectly normal. I'll talk you through everything, okay?" </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“Is it alright if I take your pulse manually?” Alex nodded, and the doctor extended her hand. “Can I just see your wrist for a second? Thank you,” she told her, her pointer and middle fingers coming to rest against the prosecutor’s radial pulse for about ten seconds. “It’s a little lower now. I feel okay about going forward with the exam if you are.”</p><p>Could Alex really say no? If she did, what would happen? This was one of those moments where she technically had a choice, but it wouldn’t be wise to leave the clinic without having done this. The woman who stood before her waiting for an answer was a doctor, one with several years’ experience, and she had never done anything to make Alex feel unsafe—other than the obvious.</p><p>The next few minutes went by in a blur as Dr. Whitley asked a few clarifying questions from the information on her chart and invited the medical assistant to return to the room after confirming with Alex that it was alright. The more, the merrier, the ADA told herself, trying to breathe through the pounding of her heart in her ears. At least the whole thing would go faster with the other woman present to hand off swabs and place lubricant on the speculum, a job Alex knew all too well was incredibly important. </p><p>Alex completed the expected routine of scooting as low on the table she could without falling off and placing her feet in the stirrups, keeping her knees jammed together for as long as she could.</p><p>"Okay, so it's really important that you try to relax."</p><p>She knew this was coming, but still she felt a deluge of tears sting her eyes instantly, and she refused to let them fall over her eyelids as she bore down on Olivia’s hand. "Um...okay."</p><p>The voice of the woman she loved was soft, and it addressed her carefully. "Can I?"</p><p>Speechless, Alex frantically nodded, her knees beginning to ache from the strain of the pressure they held against each other. </p><p>She felt Liv’s free hand come to rest on the top of her head, but her eyes remained closed. She was unwilling to look at either woman as they had this conversation. "So, Alex has wanted to tell you this for a while, but she hasn't known how. She's a survivor of sexual abuse. Her abuser would tell her to relax during the assaults and hearing the phrase makes her even more anxious than she would have been without hearing it. I remind her to breathe,” she concluded, “and that usually works."</p><p>"Thank you for telling me that, Olivia.” Alex waited for the doctor to address her, and she felt three pairs of eyes on her. “I always like to know, so that I can help you feel safe. Alex, we'll go at your pace and we'll talk through everything, okay?"</p><p>She exhaled shakily. “Okay.”</p><p>Liv’s fingers massaged her scalp to bring her back to the present moment. “Open your eyes, sweetie. Look around you. Look at me. You’re safe.”</p><p>Alex nodded, her watery eyes meeting her partner’s. “I’m safe.”</p><p>“Are you ready to proceed, Alex?” Dr. Whitley asked softly, scooting her stool impossibly closer to Alex’s joined knees.</p><p>“Y—yes,” she said, taking one more breath before separating her knees, a whimper exploding out of her.</p><p>“I need you to take slow, deep breaths, Alex,” the Ob/Gyn said. “I won’t do anything without your okay, alright?”</p><p>Another frantic nod. God, how she wished this was over, her anxiety building as she anticipated the unavoidable pain that was coming her way.</p><p>Gloving up, Dr. Whitley asked Deidre to raise the table just slightly, and Alex could hear the medical assistant opening the plastic the speculum was in as the doctor spoke. “The first thing you’re going to feel is my hands on your inner thighs. I’m going to examine you externally, but I won’t move my hands until you tell me I can,” she said softly to her patient.</p><p>After almost a minute of nothing more than intrusive eyes and barely noticeable gloves against her skin, the doctor spoke again. “Alex, are you ready to do the pap smear?”</p><p>She refused to think about it, nodding her head instantly. </p><p>“Okay. Deidre is putting some lubricant on the speculum to make this more comfortable. I’m going to move my hand upwards now.” Dr. Whitley tapped the side of her hand against Alex’s thigh as she moved it to her apex, giving her fair warning before she paused. “Alright, Alex, you’ll feel my hand at your opening. I’m going to gently separate your labia and position the speculum at your entrance.” She waited for a nod.</p><p>A bath.</p><p>Alex was going to take a bath when she got home. And she was going to soak in scalding hot water, hotter than the coffee she’d gulped that morning, until she was perfectly numb to anything else.</p><p>Olivia. She was no longer alone. Olivia was there. And she didn’t have to return to unhealthy coping mechanisms. She had support. A hand to hold.</p><p>She had a partner.</p><p>“Okay, Alex. I’m going to ask you to take a big breath in. Great, and now exhale slowly. The speculum is going in.”</p><p>The attorney felt the burn she’d been expecting, but it didn’t last. </p><p>The speculum was not going in. Cabot’s eyes snapped open, meeting Liv’s furrowed brow and concerned features.</p><p>Dr. Whitley had been expecting this. She turned to Deidre. "Can you grab some more lubricant?"</p><p>Had she been the problem? She was as relaxed as she was ever going to be, at least when it came to what she had control over. "I'm sorry,” she blurted.</p><p>The gynecologist handed the speculum off to the medical assistant as she scooted around the table to better converse with her patient. "No need to apologize, Alex. I'm just wanting to keep you as comfortable as possible. We're going to time your breathing with the insertion of the speculum, okay?"</p><p>For some reason, this statement was soothing. Dr. Whitley knew what—and who—she was working with now, and she didn’t seem at all fazed by the prospect of taking it slower than might have been ideal.</p><p>By the time the doctor made a second attempt at inserting the speculum, Alex’s exhale actually helped to relax her body, and the pain was more bearable. Still, she couldn’t resist the urge to wince as her inner walls were spread apart. </p><p>Olivia leaned in, pressing her lips to the hammering of her temporal pulse. "Squeeze my hand, sweetheart. Slow, deep breaths. Try to keep your muscles loose. You're doing great. I love you."</p><p>Inhale.</p><p>"I'm going to get two swabs. It'll take less than a minute."</p><p>Exhale.</p><p>“You may feel a cramping sensation. That’s totally normal.”</p><p>Inhale.</p><p>“Some discomfort is to be expected, but let me know if you feel intense pain.”</p><p>Exhale.</p><p>“You still doing okay, Alex?”</p><p>Alex nodded, her eyes opening for the first time since the successful insertion of the instrument she’d always likened to the pear of anguish. The nod sent relief rushing through Olivia, who stroked her thumb over the woman’s wrinkled forehead. Alex had said she was okay. And for the first time ever, it wasn’t a lie.</p><p>“You’re okay, baby. Just keep breathing, my love.”</p><p>Inhale.</p><p>“Alex, I’m going to pull out the speculum now. This shouldn’t be painful, but it’s important to keep breathing. Here we go.”</p><p>Exhale. </p><p>She grimaced as the intrusion ended, her uterine muscles contracting in response to the irritation of her cervix. "Alex, I'd be comfortable passing on the manual exam today if that's what you'd prefer."</p><p>"Please. I don't think I can."</p><p>"No worries. I don’t want to make you any more uncomfortable than necessary. You may have some cramping for the rest of the day, and nausea is also normal. Some bleeding is also nothing to be concerned about, so I’m going to leave you a maxi pad to put in your underwear. If you’re experiencing severe pain or what you feel to be excessive bleeding, just call the office. Some soreness in response to the irritation is also to be expected, but if anything is concerning to you, I’m happy to take your call.” The doctor disposed of her gloves, thanking Deidre for her help, and then the assistant exited with the samples from Alex’s pap to grant them more privacy. Both women assisted Alex in sitting up, Olivia’s hand immediately finding her back and rubbing in slow, steady circles. “Everything looks normal to me, and I'll be in contact with the results of your pap smear. What else can I do for you today, Alex?"</p><p>"Well, since you know now, that scar tissue...?" The doctor nodded in understanding. "Is that normal? Like, I know sometimes it makes these appointments hard. Will it impact...sexual functioning?"</p><p>"Has it in the past?" Dr. Whitley questioned, lowering the exam table and tucking the stirrups back into their place.</p><p>"No,” she answered too quickly, biting her lower lip. “I mean, I don't know. I haven't really...I don't even use tampons." Olivia watched silently as the women spoke, wiping some blonde hair off of the ADA’s sweaty brow.</p><p>"I see.” Dr. Whitley interlaced her fingers over her lap. “I can tell you that today, I didn’t have much of a problem beyond needing some extra lubricant. Please keep me in the loop, Alex, and I'm happy to discuss this further should an issue arise."</p><p>Cabot had been waiting for a buzz word the doctor hadn’t yet used. "You mean, like vaginismus or something?"</p><p>"It's possible. Is that what you're worried about?"</p><p>"Yes.” She glanced at Liv for a moment, and the brunette just gave her a sad smile. She hated feeling out of the loop, especially since Alex had been telling her so much in the past several months. Why hadn’t this come up? “I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it or go through another exam, but...if everything was fine today, does that mean as long as I'm relaxed, I'm good?"</p><p>"Vaginismus can impact survivors of sexual trauma more often than the general population, and it's usually more psychological than physical, as it’s an involuntary reaction of the limbic system, the same system that controls fight-or-flight. But everyone's case is different, and at this point, I don't think we're ready for a diagnosis. That being said—" She swiveled her stool over to a desk that adorned several different brochures. "—here is some information about it if you'd like to do some research. If it’s any assurance, nothing I saw today gave me cause for great concern, though it is possible you have a mild to moderate case of secondary vaginismus, meaning penetration is possible but difficult, and it was caused by a known precipitant—in your case, abuse. I’m happy to explore this with you further, Alex, especially if you’re particularly worried about it, when you feel more ready. And of course, let me know if you have any questions."</p><p>She nodded, satisfied with this response for now. "I will. Thank you."</p><p>“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about today, Alex?”</p><p>“No, I think I’m good.” She squeezed her girlfriend’s hand, knowing she was likely confused by the spontaneous subject change.</p><p>"I’ll leave you to put your clothes on then. When you’re ready, just turn right at the check-in desk and the door to the waiting room should be on your left.” The blonde nodded, inhaling deeply. “I'll be in touch, Alex. It was nice to meet you, Olivia." </p><p>“You too, Doctor.”</p><p>After Dr. Whitley had left, Olivia turned again to her girlfriend, brushing a few strands of hair behind her shoulder. "Hey, how long have you been worried about that?"</p><p>"Not too long, not consciously at least. But it is what made me stop yesterday. I tried...and then I got tense and it made me nervous." She moved to hop off of the examination table, but she stopped when her head began to spin.</p><p>Liv opened her mouth to reply, but her girlfriend's intentional breathing and hand against her forehead interrupted her. "I'm a little dizzy."</p><p>"Put your head between your knees for me, and just breathe. Your blood pressure skyrocketed, and it just plummeted. Give yourself a minute." Olivia rubbed wide circles into the other woman's back as her breathing returned to normal.</p><p>"Thank you,” she said eventually, not wanting to underexaggerate her gratitude for the brunette. “For being here. For holding my hand."</p><p>"You are so welcome, my love.” Olivia put aside her previous concerns for the time being. The prosecutor needed to come down from her adrenaline rush, and if she were being honest, so did she. “I would never make you do this alone. Keep breathing. Are you hurting?"</p><p>She shrugged eventually, slowly lifting up her head, the color returning to her face. "Only a little. It actually wasn't as bad as I'm used to."</p><p>When they’d gotten to the car, Liv decided to address the elephant in the vehicle, pulling on her seatbelt and reaching for the other woman’s hand. She needed a few answers before she continued with her day. "So, are you thinking it's vaginismus that's making penetration physically difficult? Not your scar tissue?"</p><p>"I'm not sure, honey. And I don't really know what I expected from Dr. Whitley,” she conceded, letting her fingers play with Olivia’s and grimacing at a cramp. “It's not like I gave her any real experiential evidence, and I didn't invite her to examine me again."</p><p>"She seems like she wants to be helpful. So when you have more to tell her or are more comfortable talking about it, you have a doctor that's on your side."</p><p>"Maybe I'll call her soon to discuss it. Depending on what happens between now and then."</p><p>Benson knew what the younger woman was implying. "Hey, you know there's no pressure on my end, yeah? If this is something that matters to you, then I am absolutely on board. But you already have so much on your plate, love. So, try to be gentle with yourself."</p><p>"Right back at you, Miss 'How Long Have You Been Worried About That?'” Alex offered the brunette an understanding smile. “None of this is because of something you did, or didn't do, sweetie. I didn't tell you when it happened because it really wasn't a big deal. It just occurred to me to ask about it, okay?"</p><p>Liv nodded, giving her partner’s thigh a squeeze before putting the car in reverse. "Okay."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you as always for reading! A small time jump in the next chapter, and then the trial starts. Writing courtroom proceedings is one my favorites. (It’s a major plotline in In the First Degree) and I’m looking forward to tackling it again. Saturday is my 22nd birthday, so I’d love some comments as a birthday present. Stay well!<br/>-Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Chapter 32</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p><p>Here is Chapter 32! Trigger warning for new case details and discussion of masturbation and orgasm.</p><p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 32</p><p>Olivia hated working weekends, especially when that entailed replacing Alex's warm body with the cold, clinical atmosphere of Mercy Hospital in the middle of the night. She met Elliot in the hospital, dark circles under her eyes and coffee in tow.</p><p>"Vic is Veeda Karzai. Perp is her husband, Badeed. Both twenty-seven-years-old," he told his partner. "She was admitted five hours ago with severe vaginal bleeding and facial and bodily injury. Veeda disclosed to one of the nurses, and she called us. Fin and Munch picked up the husband." Olivia nodded, stepping towards the hospital room. "Liv." Stabler stopped her, grabbing her arm gently. "It's bad."</p><p>“Figured as much, El,” she said obviously, her eyes widening. “There’s no such thing as a ‘good rape.’ Someone needs to take her statement. I don’t imagine she was willing to talk to you.” Female victims were very rarely comfortable disclosing to any of the male detectives, which was understandable, but it left Benson with the brunt of the agonizing work, especially in cases where religion required she were the one to conduct the interview. She welcomed the responsibility, but years of taking statements had made her defensive whenever one of the men warned her about a case. She was perfectly capable, and being in a relationship with a survivor made her more capable, not less.</p><p>He bobbed his head up and down slowly, conceding her point.</p><p>“Anything else I need to know before I go in there?” she asked him, handing over her coffee.</p><p>“Uh,” he thought. “She’s stable now. Rape kit is done. Her and Badeed are both doctors, doing their residency at Bellevue. That’s where they met. Neighbors say they’re friendly, involved in the community.”</p><p>That was the story Fin and Much were getting over and over again that morning while interviewing known associates of the couple. “Badeed would never hurt Veeda.” “Veeda seemed perfectly happy.” “It had to be someone else.”</p><p>Benson was given this information by her colleagues after taking Veeda’s statement, which was detailed and confident. Clearly, the woman was shaken up, and she shared how Badeed had never been physically abusive in the past, but he’d always had a temper and liked using sex to blow off steam.</p><p>It never failed to strike Olivia how different people’s lives were than the narratives their loved ones had created about them. By all accounts, they seemed like a happy couple. But Olivia knew that the most vile and abusive of men were also the kindest and most seemingly normal of men. And abused women were often gentle and deferent in public. Her mind went to Alex’s parents for a moment, and then the detective shook her head. Jean Cabot didn’t deserve her sympathy in her book. If she hadn’t been the love of her life’s mother—maybe. But Mrs. Cabot abandoned the scared, confused, and excruciatingly lonely child, and she hadn’t seen any evidence of her even trying to take a different route.</p><p>Badeed had been booked, and arraignment was set for Monday morning, the next day. There was a strange pleasure for Olivia in knowing that the monster would have to spend at least a full twenty-four hours in lockup.</p><p>The sun had risen and was more than halfway across the sky by the time the detective arrived home, and though her limbs were heavy and she had to drag herself up the stairs to her and Alex’s apartment, the knowledge that she would soon see the woman she loved assisted her on her journey.</p><p>Intimate partner violence had always confounded the brunette. And now that she was in the most intimate relationship she’d ever been in—one where the love she felt was beyond words—these cases had become more than she could wrap her head around at times. The mere thought that someone, anyone—Olivia—would cause harm to their partner, or force—</p><p>“By the look on your face, I would guess this is a tough one.” Alex met her at the door, having had heard her key in the lock, effectively interrupting her thoughts.</p><p>Liv’s body instinctively relaxed for a moment, her eyes becoming concerned when she noticed Alex had matching dark circles under them. She tended not to sleep well when the detective wasn’t in bed with her. Another reason Benson hated working weekends. But the younger woman’s eyes were clear, and she carried herself with easy confidence, so the cop figured she’d be okay to hear the information the brunette planned on giving her. “As far as charges, it’ll be fairly simple. Husband propositions wife. Wife says no. Husband attacks wife. Fluids on the bedsheets. Rape kit confirms the vic’s story.” She inhaled shakily, reaching out for support, her hand cupping the younger woman’s cheek, a fierce protectiveness coming over her. “But the details, Al. Her injuries. He brutalized her. I can’t even….”</p><p>“Hey, come here.” The blonde wrapped her hand around the nape of her girlfriend’s neck, pulling her close and rubbing her back, sighing into the embrace. She knew where Olivia was going, and Alex wanted to stop that train before it left the station. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m okay,” she promised into her partner’s shoulder, knowing DV really hit the woman she loved hard. “We’re okay,” she stressed. “It’s hard to be strong for the survivors sometimes. I know these cases affect you. You’re only human, sweetie.”</p><p>Liv sniffled, pressing her lips against the attorney’s neck, breathing deeply and absorbing her words. “I love you,” she breathed.</p><p>“I know,” Alex swore. “I love you too.” After a few more seconds, the ADA took a step back, holding her partner by the shoulders for a moment, and then she led her towards the couch. "Anything more I need to know?"</p><p>"Probably not before arraignment tomorrow,” the older woman said to Alex, sitting on the couch and sighing, relieved to be off her feet. “It looks like a clear-cut case of rape one and assault to me. You may even be able to make a deal."</p><p>Cabot paused for an extended moment, the pregnant pause lingering in the air as she chewed on her lower lip. "Liv, you know I don't like to plea down A felonies if I don't have to."</p><p>"I know,” the SVU detective acknowledged, carefully clapping her hand over the other woman’s knee, “but this vic is really traumatized, and I'd like not to put her through trial if possible. Really, I know it sounds unbelievable, but there is a mountain of evidence against this guy already. Cleo Conrad will know it's a sure loss and might give a little to avoid the maximum."</p><p>"We'll see,” she relented eventually. If she could get this woman a reasonable amount of justice without putting her—or herself—through an unforgiving trial, maybe a plea deal was the right move. “I'm not going to worry about it yet if you think it's open and shut." Olivia nodded, lying her head against Alex’s shoulder and humming. She really, really had missed the incredible woman she was lucky enough to call hers. “Do you want to talk about it though? To process?”</p><p>The lawyer felt a vague head shake against her skin. “No. No, I’m good.”</p><p>Alex leaned over to kiss her head, letting her lips linger against her scalp. “Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yeah. I promise.” All she wanted in that moment was to take off her Detective Benson hat and put on her Liv hat. She couldn’t imagine how excruciating it had been for Alex to wear her Ms. Cabot hat in perpetuity, at the mandate of her drill sergeant. “I’m looking forward to leaving work at work for now and spending some time with you. How has your day been, love?"</p><p>"Honestly, it’s been amazing." Liv raised her eyebrows, lifting her head to meet the other woman’s blue pools, which she could have sworn were smiling impishly. What could she be referring to? Alex wasn't one to call many experiences "amazing."</p><p>"Amazing?” She questioned, not able to resist a grin herself. “What did I miss?"</p><p>Her eyes twinkled in mischief, her lips curving into a self-satisfied smile. "Guess."</p><p>Olivia chuckled, happy to submit to her girlfriend’s game. "Hmm,” she exaggerated, “the Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage?"</p><p>Cabot shook her head. Her day hadn’t been that amazing. "They're not even hearing a gay marriage case." She paused. “And it’s February.”</p><p>"Clarence Thomas admitted to Anita Hill?"</p><p>"Olivia."</p><p>"Oh, I know,” she feigned confidence, jokingly pretending that she absolutely knew what was going on now. “Bush is being impeached!"</p><p>The prosecutor shook her head fondly, sitting up on her knees and preparing to spill the beans. "You know, it's not only the big things that make me happy."</p><p>Liv tipped her head to the side, curiosity overwhelming her. "Okay. I'm clueless."</p><p>Alex’s voice grew quiet, not wanting to ruin the significance of the moment with excessive volume. The reveal needed to be soft, intimate, and the blonde wanted to respect herself and her own boundaries as she shared this news. "I touched myself today, and it worked."</p><p>Tears immediately came to Olivia’s eyes. She wasn’t sure why, but the emotion that built between them in the seconds before and after the ADA’s statement hit them both like a bus. Alex was clearly underexaggerating this accomplishment. "That sounds like a big thing to me,” she whispered, following the other woman’s lead, and reaching up to wipe tears from both sets of eyes, starting with Alex’s.</p><p>The younger woman giggled quietly, still processing the power of her milestone. "I've been working up to it in the shower, but today, I just lied in the bed, took deep breaths, and focused on the sensations instead of the end goal. I...I had an orgasm, Olivia. It was a little one, I think, but it felt good. The only one I've ever had that felt good. It didn't hurt and it wasn't forced. I'm so proud of myself."</p><p>"You should be, sweetheart. That's incredible. I'm proud of you too." She pulled the other woman onto her lap and cradled her face. "God, I love you. You inspire me every day, you know that?"</p><p>Alex laughed her bell-chime laugh, resting her forehead against Olivia's as the brunette stroked her cheeks with both thumbs. "Ditto."</p><p>"Come here. Can I kiss you?"</p><p>Cabot gave an enthusiastic nod. "Please do."</p><p>Alex put everything into the kiss, completely melting into the other woman’s embrace as her hands wandered her body, and the blonde marveled at the fact that she felt completely comfortable with the variety of touch. Olivia was her safe place, and Alex was Olivia’s. The detective smiled as their lips met, the layers of disgust, sadness, and anger peeling off of her in layers as the ADA showed her in the most intimate way that she was nothing like Dr. Badeed Karzai.</p><p>When the younger of the two eventually pulled away, resting her forehead against Liv’s shoulder as both women caught their breath, Benson hummed softly, one hand resting on a firm globe just below the small of the lawyer’s back and the fingernails of the other scratching careful lines up and down her clothed spine. The moment was euphoric for the blonde, as was any moment she allowed herself to surrender to the sensation of Olivia surrounding her as they connected. They were a closed circuit, the electricity whirring within them and around them as they moved together. But now there was silence, quiet. The power was turned off, but both of them knew they could turn it back on at any moment. Still, Alex’s eventful day had been tiring, and she suspected the other woman also needed to recharge. “Naptime?”</p><p>The offer reminded Liv of her exhaustion, and her answer came out in an almost whimper as she cradled the woman in her lap. “Please.”</p><p>They walked hand-in-hand into the bedroom, Benson beginning to change into comfortable clothes.</p><p>"Oh,” Alex suddenly remembered, “and when Dr. Whitley called to give me my results, I set up a tentative appointment with her in a couple weeks, depending on how the trial is going. I'll take it to Kimani too because I'm sure she has techniques for people who struggle with penetration, but I'm interested in the medical side of things, especially whether I meet the criteria for a diagnosis."</p><p>The detective had already known that the pathology had come back normal, but for some reason, it had slipped Alex’s mind to tell her partner about the appointment she was setting up. She’d been busy with trial prep, and she didn’t have to go to Dr. Whitley’s office for more than two weeks, so it wasn’t up there on her priority list of things to tell Liv.</p><p>What had happened that day had been a priority.</p><p>Alex really wanted to work towards having as normal of a sex life as possible. She didn’t see herself ever being into bondage or excessive dominance and submission, but she didn’t need those things. What she needed was a range of activities to do with Olivia that made her feel good, made them feel close. And if there remained some places she didn’t feel comfortable going, she was willing to accept that. But she was going to do everything she could to widen the range for the both of them.</p><p>“Oh, that’s great, sweetie.” Olivia pecked her lips as they got situated in the bed. “I’m happy to be with you on this journey, and I’m so proud of the progress you’re making. You deserve this, you know?”</p><p>The ADA smiled, wrapping her arms around the woman she loved and who loved her. “I do.”</p><p>The next several days went by in a blur—the Karzai arraignment couldn’t have gone better, as Alex had successfully argued for remand for the first time in a while. Because he was denied bail, the 180.80 rule was in effect, so the Assistant District Attorney prepared for and secured an indictment in little more than seventy-two hours, with almost two full days to spare. Karzai would stay in custody and Veeda Karzai would be safe—hopefully for a very, very long time. Cabot had started talks with defense attorney Cleo Conrad to make a deal, but the blonde didn’t want to give much as far as prison time. The maximum for rape one was twenty-five years, and with the added charge of first-degree assault—Veeda had also been beaten to a pulp—he was potentially looking at fifty years.</p><p>The first deal Alex offered—twenty years for each offense, served consecutively—was turned down vehemently. So, the attorney tried once more, making it clear that this was her final offer—“He gets the maximum for each charge, served concurrently. He does a total of twenty-five years, and he registers upon his release, but he has to allocute in open court,” she had said to Conrad, who seemed interested in the deal, but hadn’t gotten Karzai to agree to it yet.</p><p>There were less than twenty-four hours before Alex had to open her case in the D’Agostino trial, and she was typing away in her office when a voice projected from her phone speaker. “Ms. Cabot, Olivia Benson is here to see you.”</p><p>“Thanks, Danielle. Send her in.”</p><p>The brunette opened the door, carrying a brown paper back. Alex’s stomach growled. She’d forgotten how hungry she was. “Hey, baby.”</p><p>Liv smiled, sitting in the chair across from the attorney’s desk. “Hey.”</p><p>“This is a nice surprise,” Cabot said to her, looking up from her computer and taking off her glasses, rubbing at her tired eyes.</p><p>           “Yeah, well, I had some extra time,” the older woman explained, rummaging through her bag, “and I thought I’d come bring you lunch.”</p><p>The prosecutor’s heart swelled. Olivia always knew what she needed. Alex tended to overwork herself in the days before a trial began, and there’s no way she would have chosen to take a lunch break—with or without her partner. She knew she didn’t really have the time, but it was important that she take care of herself, especially since this trial wouldn’t be easy. So she made a compromise. “Thank you, sweetie. Do you mind if it’s a working lunch? I have to finish my opening.”</p><p>“No worries, love.” She pulled out a few takeout boxes, placing the bag on the floor. “I just thought you might need the company.”</p><p>“Oh, I definitely do,” she confirmed Liv’s suspicions. “I’ve been holed up in my office since I got here this morning.”                  </p><p>The cop handed her girlfriend a box containing a sandwich and a to-go cup of iced tea and then took a bite of her own food. “Do you feel like you have the evidence you need?”</p><p>"I think so. I just wish I could put you on the stand as an outcry witness, but Kressler would cross you about your relationship with me, and the last thing I need is to have your credibility destroyed." Alex bit her sandwich, putting her glasses back on and returning her attention to the document she was working on.</p><p>"You think he knows."</p><p>"He'll find out,” the younger woman asserted. “I know I've had you testify for Tara and against Holmes, but with the way this case is going, I wouldn't put a motion to dismiss past him due to the perceived conflict of interest, especially after the Barnett fiasco."</p><p>Benson searched for a way to comfort the woman she loved, who was understandably feeling the pressure as the clock ticked down. "I think George's expert testimony will serve the same purpose as mine would."</p><p>The prosecutor finished her sentence, sighing, before eating some more and taking a long sip of her drink. "I hope so."</p><p>"Do you think you have a winning case?"</p><p>"I don't know.” Alex hadn’t stopped questioning the decisions she was making regarding D’Agostino and the trial she’d chosen not to avoid. “I'm convinced of D'Agostino's guilt. But I'm just one person. And I by nature believe survivors. I'm just afraid I'm going to put these boys through this for nothing."</p><p>"I don't think they'll feel that way,” Olivia tried to assure her, reaching out to touch her partner for the first time since entering her office. “They want to testify."</p><p>The blonde shook her head at herself, uncertainty rioting through her as she accepted the comforting hand on top of hers and reveled in the strength her girlfriend’s presence always gave her. Still, she couldn’t resist asking the question she’d been contending with for months. “Am I going to regret taking this to trial?"</p><p>"Maybe.” Olivia shrugged, knowing Alex wouldn’t buy false confidence in her heightened state of anxiety. “But I know you will if you don't."</p><p>"Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thanks for reading! As always, I love comments/reviews, so please leave them! Next chapter is trial time!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Chapter 33</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p><p>Here is Chapter 33, the beginning of the trial. Trigger warning for case details, Alex’s struggle to get through testimony, as well as a scene addressing discomfort around penetration.</p><p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p><p>Chapter 33</p><p>“This is Tommy Jiang, Dominic Pizzolo, and Bryson Mills.” The prosecutor inhaled deeply, gesturing to school portraits of each child, all taken just before Tommy was attacked. The boys were smiling, and they seemed at ease in the photos, a stark contrast to what the prosecutor had been witness to during the course of the past several months. “Before September of last year, Tommy enjoyed writing and drawing, Dominic liked to play baseball with his father, and Bryson could have spent hours talking about a book he was reading. After September 18th, September 25th, and October 2nd, respectively, something changed. Tommy started ripping up and throwing away his drawings. Dominic, who could often be found playing ball with his friends as soon as the sun rose, began staying in bed all day. And Bryson hasn’t picked up a book since. So, what happened? The defendant, Father Roberto D’Agostino happened. On three consecutive Wednesday nights, Father D’Agostino met each of these three twelve-year-old boys at their church for confession. But these were not ordinary confessions.  Over the next few days, you will hear each child describe the nightmare that unfolded when their priest sexually assaulted them in the confession booth. You will hear about their fear, their confusion, and their shame as everything they thought they knew was shattered to pieces. You will hear expert testimony from a forensic psychologist, and he will explain to you why these boys will never be the same. And then, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will be charged with ensuring that justice is done for these children.” Alex pointed again to the white board adorning pictures of each boy. “This was Tommy, Dominic, and Bryson before their priest attacked them. Remember these faces when you see them now.”</p><p>Kressler traded places with Alex, walking slowly towards the jury box. “Ms. Cabot knows how to bring the pathos, but it remains to be seen whether she can bring the necessary evidence for a conviction.” Olivia scoffed from the gallery, wishing she could stand up and simply push the self-important man down. “And what she has and will continue to fail to mention is that these boys had motive to seek revenge on Father D’Agostino after they were forced to clean up the vandalism they themselves inflicted on the church’s chapel. As ADA Cabot said, Tommy, Bryson, and Dominic are twelve-years-old, so they are unaware of the damage a false accusation can cause. Remember, ladies and gentlemen, as you listen to courtroom testimony, for you to find the defendant guilty, the people have to prove beyond any reasonable doubt that my client committed sexual abuse in the first degree. All I have to prove for you to find him not guilty is that Ms. Cabot has not done that.”</p><p>Alex called Tommy to the stand first.</p><p>After being sworn in, Tommy, led by the attorney, set up the circumstances around the people’s first piece of evidence.</p><p>“People’s exhibit one.” Alex pressed play on the security video, dated September 18th, and the entire courtroom watched Tommy enter the church and sit down in the confession booth. “Tommy, what happened on the evening of September 18th, 2002, after this video ended?”</p><p>“I, um.” The young boy inhaled shakily, and the woman smiled at him sadly, empathy coursing through her body like burning hot magma.</p><p>“I told him what my friends and I did.”</p><p> Alex had confessed to Pastor Paul that she’d slept in Cassie’s bed. That it made me her feel warm and safe.</p><p> “He said he knew how I’d pay my penance.”</p><p>Pastor Paul had—in a creepily soothing tone—assured the eleven-year-old girl that he knew how to “make her better.”</p><p>“He told me to pull down my underwear.”</p><p>He’d told her to pull down her underwear.</p><p>“He made me stand up.”</p><p>He’d forced her to lie down.</p><p>“When he touched me, I was confused.”</p><p>She’d been so confused.</p><p>The boy finished recounting the details of the attack, and Alex guided him expertly through his testimony. Next, she wanted to begin establishing the pattern of what D’Agostino had said to each of the children after they’d been victim to their own bodies’ reaction.  “Tommy, did Father D’Agostino say anything to you, during or after the assault?”</p><p>He nodded, blushing furiously. “He said that…what came out…he said it was like baptism or rebirth.”</p><p>Cabot walked back to the prosecution desk, retrieving a piece of college-ruled notebook paper, which had been ripped from its source. “People’s two, your honor.” She held up the document. “May I approach the witness?” Judge Bradley nodded, and Alex thanked him before turning to Tommy, placing the tattered and written all over piece of writing in front of him on the stand. "Tommy, do you recognize this?"</p><p>“It’s one of my journal entries.” The boy began to bounce his leg up and down anxiously.</p><p>“Taken from a journal you’ve been keeping for over a year, yes?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“And Tommy,” she continued, “what is the date on this particular entry?”</p><p>“September 18th.”</p><p>“Please read us the entry, Tommy,” Alex softly directed him, and the child cleared his throat, leaning into the microphone.</p><p>The prosecutor had told him that it was especially important the jury heard what he’d written that night after getting home. “Something bad happened today,” he read breathlessly into the microphone. “It happened at confession. I guess I did something bad, but I think Father did something worse. He used to say that only my wife should touch me like that. What changed? It felt weird, and I wanted him to stop.” Tommy teared up at the memory, and he felt his heart begin to accelerate. Alex gently nodded for him to continue. She had told him many times that he could do this. He could get through it. “I don’t think anyone would believe me if I told them. And if they did, Father could get in trouble. I guess I deserved it.”</p><p>Olivia studied the younger woman as she watched the boy speak to her, and the brunette’s heart broke at the struggle she could see in the corner of her eye. It wasn’t very noticeable, but for Benson, who had the absolute honor of spending hours each day staring into those crystal blues, conflict was evident in her orbs. Emotion. Unacknowledged pain. Alex still wasn’t great at finding the balance between her two warring modes.</p><p>Kressler announced he had no questions for Tommy, so Dominic’s testimony was next. “People’s three,” Alex declared, playing the video of her current fact witness entering the church.</p><p>“Did he say anything to you?” the blonde asked him after he’d described the assault.</p><p>The boy looked down at his hands, which were shaking subtly. Alex could see it, but she hoped the jury couldn’t, mostly because she feared they would think he was nervous due to lying on the stand, which the attorney knew he certainly wasn’t doing. “He told me that when I, when I, um, you know, like when you wake up in the morning and the sheets are sticky, he said that that meant a second baptism.”</p><p>They broke for lunch, Alex quickly reaching to squeeze her partner’s hand as she exited the courtroom. She didn’t have the time or the strength to give in to human Alex at the moment, so she offered the woman she loved a quick gesture of mutual comfort, and then she sat alone in her office, putting the finishing touches on her questions for Bryson, unable to stomach lunch. The boy knew what to expect, so she didn’t plan to change much, but since Kressler had opted not to cross examine either Tommy or Dominic, she predicted that the defense attorney planned to give the youngest of the three boys an incredibly hard time. It wasn’t a secret that he had always been most nervous to talk about what had happened. Tommy was the most scared, period, but Cabot suspected that since he was the first boy to be assaulted, his shock had added to the chronic anxiety with which he was contending. And Dominic had been impossibly brave, channeling his trauma into doing something productive. Bryson, however, who Alex learned had been the mastermind behind the vandalism of the chapel, didn’t have great people skills before his assault—beyond discussing the things he liked to read and the adventures he went on with his friends—and now he just crumbled under any amount of pressure.</p><p>Kressler was a smart man, and Alex didn’t know how to prepare the vulnerable child for this.</p><p>Moving on to the last of her complaining witnesses, the lawyer showed the jury Bryson’s security tape, the people’s exhibit four.</p><p>“Bryson, in the weeks between Tommy’s confession and yours, did he or Dominic say anything out of character to you?” she asked, pacing the courtroom and tapping her pen against her hand.</p><p>“Uh, yeah, they both did.”</p><p>Alex nodded at his response. "What did Dominic and Tommy tell you?"</p><p>"Objection!” Kressler rose from his seat. “Hearsay."</p><p>Alex paused her walking, and addressed the judge. "I am not attempting to prove the matter at hand by asking Bryson to share information he learned through hearsay, your honor. This question goes to the witness's state of mind."</p><p>Bradley shook his head, and the prosecuting attorney was not surprised. “Objection is sustained, Ms. Cabot. Ask another question, counselor.”</p><p>Now, Alex was frazzled. What was Bradley doing, sustaining even the least valid of Kressler’s objections? "Because of what your friends told you, you were afraid you'd be assaulted?"</p><p> "Objection—leading."</p><p>The ADA grit her teeth. She had indeed asked a leading question on direct, which she was usually skilled at avoiding, but she hated it when it felt like a judge was purposefully ruling against her. Or was Alex’s technique really that shoddy at the moment? "I'll rephrase that. How did you feel going into confession?"</p><p>“Scared.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>It was a roundabout way of getting Bryson to share what his friends had said, but it got the job done, and Kressler seemed satisfied with the pivot. “Because Tommy and Dominic told me that Father touched them…on their private parts. I didn’t want him to do that to me.”</p><p>“And did he? Touch you?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Alex was almost done with her questions, and she just had to pray that he could handle what Kressler had planned. “Did he say anything during the assault?”</p><p>“At the end, afterwards. He said that I had been reborn.”</p><p>“Thank you, Bryson. I have nothing further for this witness.”</p><p>Kressler had refrained from crossing the other two boys in favor of saving his questions for Bryson, whose testimony was admittedly the shakiest. He’d been the first of the children to accuse Father D’Agostino, and he seemed the most nervous on the stand. The lawyer considered him to be a perfectly impeachable witness.</p><p>“Do you know of anyone else your age that often goes to confession?”</p><p>“My friend Dion does. But he wasn’t with us when we—” He cut himself off. He’d prepped with Alex for hours, and she asked him to not mention the graffiti unless it was brought up, not that she thought it wouldn’t be brought up. Still, answering a “yes” or “no” question in favor of the defense wasn’t as harmful to the people’s case as the statement Bryson was about to make. At least he stopped in time, right? He glanced at the ADA, who feigned not being dismayed and gave the boy an encouraging nod to say it was okay.</p><p>"Please continue, Bryson,” Kressler coaxed. “He wasn’t with you when you and Tommy and Dominic were caught graffitiing the chapel, is that correct?"</p><p>Alex took her oath to speak for the victims very seriously, and Kressler was on a slippery slope. "Objection—relevance."</p><p>"I'm getting there, your honor."</p><p>Bradley bobbed his head up and down in the defense attorney’s direction. "I'll allow you some latitude, counselor. Get there fast."</p><p>Alex wondered if the judge would have granted latitude to a fucking snail.</p><p>“Father D’Agostino forced you, Dominic, and Tommy to clean up the chapel, correct?”</p><p>“Uh huh,” he replied nervously. Ms. Cabot hadn’t told him how to answer these questions. Just tell the truth, he reminded himself, his fingernails digging into his dress pants.</p><p>“And that night, October 2nd, was the night of your confession?”</p><p>“Uh huh.”</p><p>“Is it a coincidence that you came forward the next morning?”</p><p>Bryson didn’t understand what was happening. He hated being made to feel stupid. “What?”</p><p>“Is it a coincidence Dion didn’t accuse Father D’Agostino of assault? Or did he simply not need revenge against a priest that hadn’t just forced him to spend a Wednesday evening scrubbing pews?”</p><p>His answer was lost in Alex’s memory of scrubbing her own pew. But she hadn’t been washing off spray paint.  </p><p>“And isn’t it convenient, Bryson, that you and your friends accused Father D’Agostino of the kind of assault that can’t be proven with a medical exam?”</p><p>Cabot jumped from her seat, forcing herself to shake off the distressing image of young Alexandra—scared, in pain, and alone. If she had just told Cassie that they shouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed….“Objection, your honor. He’s badgering the witness.”</p><p>“Sustained,” Judge Bradley drawled begrudgingly. “Mr. Kressler, tread lightly please.” The judge seemed almost disappointed to have to agree with the prosecutor, but he at least needed to keep up appearances. Apparently, the man was friends with Petrovsky.</p><p>"Judge Bradley has it out for me,” Alex said to Olivia once they’d arrived home, in separate vehicles so as not to draw attention to the fact that they were living together. Word got around the courthouse quickly, and some judges were prejudiced against her as soon as they saw her name. Alex wondered if her indiscretions regarding Linda Cavanaugh would follow her forever, yet another ghost of the past.</p><p>“It sure seems like it,” Benson conceded, pulling her partner in for a hug. “Is there anything you can do?”</p><p>“No, I mean, an argument can be made for sustaining Kressler’s objections and overruling mine. Unfortunately, that’s one of the things that can happen when the law is open to interpretation, and I can’t very well be a hypocrite and suddenly not support that.” She sighed, burying her face in Olivia’s neck, grateful to be home, so she could throw her attorney hat angrily across the room, succumbing to her human needs. "But,” she concluded, “judges hold grudges."</p><p>Soon, it was time for the blonde to call Huang to testify to the victims’ state of mind as an expert witness. Alex asked the doctor a series of questions in order to establish his expertise, and Kressler didn’t object. She breathed easily. Things were goings well so far. Adult witnesses didn’t pull as much emotion from jurors as children naturally did, but they were more able to keep their eyes on the prize, as it were. It was easier to keep them on track, and they held themselves together more often during cross.</p><p>“People’s two again, your honor.” She handed George Tommy’s journal entry. “Dr. Huang, have you seen this piece of writing before?”</p><p>“Yes, I have.”</p><p>Alex was grateful to not put the three kids through any more questioning, as well as to have a confident witness, who she wasn’t traumatizing during this trial. There was always guilt there with complaining witnesses, especially young ones. “Where have you seen it before?”</p><p>“This is Tommy Jiang’s journal entry from September 18th. He showed it to me during our interview.”</p><p>“People’s exhibit five.” Alex searched through her evidence quickly, producing a nearly identical sheet of notebook paper and getting Bradley’s permission to hand it to him. “Do you recognize this, Doctor?”</p><p>“Yes, it’s another one of Tommy Jiang’s journal entries, dated September 21st. He showed this one to me as well.”</p><p>“Please read the highlighted portion, Dr. Huang.”</p><p>“Tommy writes, ‘Today was like yesterday and the day before. I haven’t really slept since it happened. I tried to do my math homework, but I can’t think about anything but what happened. So instead, I took a shower. I think I’m at four for today. My mom asked me why I wasn’t eating my dinner, and I started to cry for no reason. She doesn’t know that eating makes me throw up now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll only take three showers.’”</p><p>“And what conclusions can you draw from these writings and your conversation with Tommy?” Alex half expected Kressler to object on the grounds of speculation, even though Huang was an expert, and she wouldn’t have been surprised if Bradley sustained the objection just because he could.</p><p>Fortunately, Huang was the only one to speak. “Tommy was experiencing insomnia, diminished alertness, inability to concentrate, an obsession with washing himself, and anxiety induced vomiting. He was confused, crying at the drop of a hat.”</p><p>"In the world of psychiatry, what do you call this collection of symptoms?"</p><p>"Rape Trauma Syndrome."</p><p>Alex decided to take the initiative and beat Kressler to the punch, knowing he would cross George on the “rape” part of Rape Trauma Syndrome. "But the boys weren't raped."</p><p>The doctor appreciated the opportunity to answer this question on Alex’s turf. The attorney always thought out the case she was arguing, and that included anticipating the defense’s moves. "The severity of the assault is actually least relevant in these cases. What we tend to look for is the psychological factors. Dominic and Bryson spoke of similar struggles in our interviews as well."</p><p>“So, in your expert opinion, can you say confidently that what these boys are experiencing now is the result of a violent traumatic event?”</p><p>“Absolutely.”</p><p>The past few days had been a disaster. It was almost time to rest her case, and if she were on that jury….She shook her head at herself. Burden of proof was a pain in the ass sometimes. Alex figured if anything had saved her case, it was Huang’s testimony, which Kressler didn’t dig into as deeply as she’d expected.</p><p>Thank God for small mercies.</p><p>Still, Huang had proved that the boys had been assaulted, not that D’Agostino had assaulted them, and if Alex knew that, Kressler definitely did.</p><p>Olivia was slightly concerned when she convinced Alex without much effort to agree to burgers and fries for dinner, and though she was still worried after they ate, she was less confused. Cabot wanted to go to bed as quickly as possible after they arrived home, so she had decided not to waste time arguing with Liv over something that didn’t really matter, and she took a liberal estimate of four bites of her food before excusing herself to the bathroom.</p><p>"Hey, so, since we're not reconvening until tomorrow afternoon,” she announced to her girlfriend, “I called Dr. Whitley's office to see if I could get in with her earlier, especially since I think this trial is going to take some time. Apparently, she had one open morning appointment, so I'm going at nine."</p><p>Alex had just wanted some control.</p><p>Olivia mulled over the idea, remembering the conflict with a gasp. "Oh, shit, baby, I can't come with you. I'm supposed to be working the Rogers case with Elliot in the morning. Maybe I can get Fin or Munch to cover me."</p><p>The attorney approached the brunette, sitting in the chair next to her and clapping her hand over her thigh. "Hey, sweetie, it's fine. I'll be okay by myself."</p><p>She was clearly determined to go to this appointment. "Are you sure?"</p><p>"Yeah. I'll call you after." If she’d survived looking at Bryson’s face as Kressler manipulated him and forced him to help his case, she’d survive one more visit to the gynecologist by herself. “I’m going to take a shower.”</p><p>The scorching stream coming from the shower head soothed her aching muscles as she scrubbed her body for an extended period of time. Rape Trauma Syndrome, with symptoms akin to PTSD (just more specific) was something she hadn’t spent much time thinking about, and though the boys were currently in the acute stage, she knew better than most people that the obsessive need to be clean didn’t go away.</p><p>It was a way to take control over a powerless situation.</p><p>Another way was to consciously do the work, to see healing as a crusade she fought for every day of her life.</p><p>As casually as possible, Alex let her hand descend her body, stopping it at the apex of her thighs. This time, she intentionally bypassed her clit, which swelled in anticipation, and nestled her pinky finger against her opening, pushing in just slightly before feeling the quintessential burn she’d become used to.</p><p>What would Olivia say?</p><p>She let her hand rest over her heart, almost in comfort. "It's okay. This isn't your fault. Just breathe. This clearly isn’t a good day to try this. There will be better days."</p><p>At least she'd have more evidence to bring to Dr. Whitley.</p><p>After her shower, the blonde threw herself onto the bed, burying her face in her pillow. Olivia crawled onto the comforter behind her, placing her hand on her back and rubbing long, steadying lines. “Hey. What are you thinking?”</p><p>She turned just slightly in order to make eye contact, granting herself levity with a small smirk at the thought that entered her mind. “I’m thinking that my only hope is Kressler tripping on his holier-than-thou shoes and busting his head open on the railing while he’s on his way to kiss Bradley’s ass.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading! Would love to know your questions/thoughts/predictions!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Chapter 34</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here is Chapter 34. Usual trigger warnings, as well as courtroom testimony, religious homophobia, and discussion of vaginismus.</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>Chapter 34</p>
<p>Olivia picked up on the first ring. "Al?"</p>
<p>"Hey, honey.” Alex’s heart melted at the concern so evident in her partner’s voice as she uttered only her name, a lingering question in the air. “So, she put a diagnosis of secondary vaginismus on my chart.” The ADA sighed, getting into her car and locking the doors. “She said in the future she'll write a prescription for a muscle relaxant before my appointments, but she didn't want to do that today so she could get an accurate idea of how I react to intrusion."</p>
<p>Liv, who had put aside her case paperwork and had been staring at the clock since nine a.m, bit her lip on the other end of the line. "So, you let her do an exam?"</p>
<p>"Yeah.” Cabot knew the older woman would be worried, and it wasn’t as if Alex had enjoyed the process, but this was a stressful time for both of them, and the last thing she wanted was to add to the brunette’s anxiety, so she kept her voice soft, even as her breathing accelerated at the recent memory. “She wasn't married to the idea, but it's helpful for the diagnostic process."</p>
<p>When Alex was calm, her voice was like velvet. It was liquid comfort, something she could listen to infinitely. When she wasn’t, however, the strain was obvious in her breath, and the dulcet tone of it was nowhere to be found. Olivia could tell she was faking her normal voice, but she didn’t mention it. She just wished she could instantly transport herself to wherever the lawyer was, so she could kiss her face, rub her back, and hold her hand. "Since you have a diagnosis, I imagine it didn't go well."</p>
<p>"No, it….” Alex coughed, thickening her voice. “There was definitely resistance. I mean, she put her fingers inside me, and that's a trigger, so. It only hurt a little though, and she didn't push it much."</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry, sweetie. I wish I was there."</p>
<p>"I'm okay, Liv. I promise.” She wasn’t lying. She was indeed still coming down from an adrenaline rush, and she had experienced a notable amount of pain during the exam, but Alex knew that she was safe, that Dr. Whitley was on her side, and she now had answers to questions she’d only recently begun to let herself ask. “She was going to refer me to a therapist, but I told her about Kimani. I'm just relieved to know I'm not crazy."</p>
<p>Olivia smiled at Elliot through the conference room window, letting him walk by before comforting the woman, almost instinctively. "You're not crazy, my love,” she soothed, her heart aching. “You have an illness, which is a reasonable development given what you've been through. I just hate the idea of you there alone."</p>
<p>"I know. But I'll see you in court, and then you'll know that I really am alright.” There was a pause over the phone line as Olivia waited for her partner to continue speaking. "Oh, that reminds me. I got a call from Cleo Conrad about the Karzai case. I think they're going to accept a deal. But I was looking at the case file, and...did you know that he’s—well, was—on the last year of his residency, specializing in gynecology?"</p>
<p>It wasn’t necessarily relevant to the case, so Liv had decided to keep this information to herself, knowing it would only stoke Alex’s ire. "I do remember seeing that, yeah."</p>
<p>"I swear, Liv, if I were taking this to trial, I'd be tempted to tack on an attempt charge."</p>
<p>Both women allowed the meaningful silence that followed. Olivia spoke first. "I love you."</p>
<p>The attorney turned her key in the ignition, letting the calming effect of the detective’s voice flow over her. "I love you too, baby."</p>
<p>It felt like no time at all had passed before Alex found herself saying, "At this time, your honor, the people rest our case."</p>
<p>Kressler immediately petitioned to dismiss the charges due to insufficient evidence. Alex knew this was generally done as a formality, but she didn't put it past Bradley to grant the motion. Kressler could very well make an argument for there being grounds to dismiss. To the ADA's utter shock, the judge denied the petition.</p>
<p>She'd have a chance to fix this in cross.</p>
<p>The defense’s first witness was a parishioner, who was there to serve as a character witness on behalf of D’Agostino.</p>
<p>Kressler’s questions were standard—he inquired about his experiences with the priest, his values, etc. He basically testified that D’Agostino was so Catholic that he would never commit sins of the flesh, let alone with another man. He actually used the word “man”!</p>
<p>Alex couldn’t wait to take a bite out of him.</p>
<p>“Mr. Mackenzie, you’ve testified today that because Father D’Agostino is Catholic, it is not possible that he sexually abused the complainants in this case. Is that correct?”</p>
<p>The man, in a button up plaid shirt, leaned into the microphone and cleared his throat. "Father believes in the tenets of the Catholic Church, Ms. Cabot." He paused. “Or is it Mrs. Cabot?”</p>
<p>Alex blanched, and she could practically feel Olivia’s eyes boring into him as the character witness clearly purposefully taunted her. Had Kressler coached him? If so, how could she object? She turned to Bradley, her palms moments away from dripping. “Your honor, please instruct the witness to answer the question.”</p>
<p>The judge stiffened. “Please answer the question, Mr. Mackenzie.”</p>
<p>“Yes, Mrs. Cabot,” he stressed. “That is correct.”</p>
<p>Olivia’s fingers balled into fists. “Ignore him,” she mouthed, knowing her partner wouldn’t be able to see her. It was probably better that way.</p>
<p>"Do the tenets of the Catholic Church condone sexual assault?" she continued, as if she hadn’t heard his last jab.</p>
<p>Benson nodded to herself. Sometimes attorney Alex came in handy, which was a truth she hated. If Olivia had been qualified to try this case, she would have switched places with the blonde in a heartbeat.</p>
<p>“Of course not.” Mackenzie placed his hand over his heart, as if he had been seriously offended. “But like I said, as a priest, Father would never even consider doing…that. Homosexuality is a sin, you know.” His face scrunched up in disgust.</p>
<p>Breathe.</p>
<p>Alex pulled a rebuttal argument out of her ass.</p>
<p>Olivia loves you.</p>
<p>You love Olivia.</p>
<p>You are not dirty.</p>
<p>Your connection is beautiful.</p>
<p>Pastor Paul was wrong.</p>
<p>Mackenzie is wrong.</p>
<p>Mom and Dad were wrong.</p>
<p>You are not wrong.</p>
<p>Olivia loves you. Olivia loves you. Olivia loves you.</p>
<p>Breathe.</p>
<p>“Mr. Mackenzie, are you aware of the epidemic of sexual abuse against children within the Catholic Church?”</p>
<p>“Objection—relevance,” Kressler called out.</p>
<p>“Sustained.”</p>
<p>Alex didn’t think her predicament could get any worse until Monday came around, when she and Olivia were walking down the hallway, the attorney catching a glimpse of an unwelcome face.</p>
<p>"Dr. Currier,” she greeted the ER physician that had examined the boys, probably less politely than she should have. “What are you doing here?"</p>
<p>"I was subpoenaed.” The doctor sighed, wanting to make it clear to the prosecutor that it was not his choice to be at the Supreme Courthouse.  “Defense wants me to testify that the boys sustained no injuries, thus no assaults."</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ, what is this, 1850? Does he have you here as an expert?”</p>
<p>The doctor shook his head in the negative. “Just a fact witness.”</p>
<p>Olivia was shocked to witness her muttering the word “shit” under her breath.</p>
<p> The prosecutor caught sight of the defense attorney in the corner of her eye, pivoting quickly in his direction and sensing Olivia not far behind her. "Kressler! You're insane if you think I'm not going to object to this new witness."</p>
<p>He kept his voice low so as not to draw attention to the counselors arguing outside the courtroom. There were jurors in the area. "Alex, I have the right to discovery. You don't."</p>
<p>He wasn't wrong.</p>
<p> "If you think you have this case in the bag, then why the hell did you decide to spring this on me without even the courtesy of a timely notification?"</p>
<p>"Relax, Alex. You can request a recess to prepare for cross if you're not ready. Besides, I had a feeling you'd have a problem with this, so I was already on my way to you and then to chambers, as a courtesy." He held up the unnecessary blue tri-fold and handed it over.  "Care to follow or are you just going to continue berating me in front of God and everybody because you blame me for your losing case?"</p>
<p>Benson stepped forward, and she recognized too late that she was likely closer to the woman she loved than she should have been. But after the first several days of the trial, her protective urges were off the charts. Alex had been embarrassed by the judge, publicly harassed by Kressler, and verbally assaulted by a defense witness. "Watch your mouth, Kressler,” she spat.</p>
<p>The attorney hummed, smiling. “Alex, I see you have your watch dog with you."</p>
<p>Alex gave her partner a pleading look. "Olivia is not my watch dog, and she is well aware that I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."</p>
<p>The look on Kressler's face bordered on pity for a moment, and it made Alex feel nauseous. "You know, I'm still open to a deal. Third degree sex abuse. I'll even throw in the max sentence of three months for each charge, served concurrently of course, if it'll make you happy."</p>
<p>"Never in a million years.” She crossed her arms over her chest, gritting her teeth, as she noticed Liv force herself to take a few steps away from the arguing lawyers. “I won’t give up on these children."</p>
<p>"I'm trying to extend an olive branch here, Alex."</p>
<p>Cabot scoffed. Did he think she was completely oblivious? "You're not trying to extend an olive branch, Roger, you're trying to get me to frantically wave a white flag."</p>
<p>"If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. It's your loss, Alex. No worries. It’ll be over soon. I don’t need much time to dismantle your case." He turned to leave. "You coming?"</p>
<p>Was Alex really going to argue against a witness to which she had no real legal grounds to object? She turned to Olivia after Kressler walked away. “It’s going to be a long day,” she said to her.</p>
<p>Olivia’s head tipped to the side, her expression pained. For her mental health, Alex needed to get away from everything about this case. Benson longed to take her by the hand and run away with her. They could go on a vacation and be alone together for weeks—no defense attorneys to badger Alex’s witnesses, no Elliot constantly asking questions, no rapists, at least for a little while.</p>
<p>The prosecutor would never dream of abandoning this case. She’d put so much into it already. Tommy, Dominic, and Bryson needed someone to fight for them.</p>
<p>“Is there something you can do,” Olivia asked, hoping against hope, “about Judge Sustained and Mr. Homophobia is a Valid Defense?”</p>
<p>The ADA shook her head. “At this point, I’d probably need to out myself to the State Bar in order to accuse him of something substantial.” Olivia knew her girlfriend wasn’t ready to do that, and she understood why, as Kressler had so cavalierly latched on to a shred of evidence that Cabot could be gay. “I gotta go,” Alex whispered, ignoring her need to touch the brunette, biting her lip at the loss of proximity as she strode away towards Bradley’s chambers.</p>
<p>To nobody’s surprise, less than ten minutes later, Alex sat at the prosecution desk as Kressler examined Dr. Currier. “Doctor, did the complaining witnesses in this case present with injury?”</p>
<p>“No, but—” he tried, being interrupted by Kressler.</p>
<p>“Doctor, ‘yes’ or ‘no’ will suffice here.”</p>
<p>Currier sighed. “Mr. Kressler, this issue is more complicated—”</p>
<p>The lawyer didn’t let him finish. “Your honor, permission to treat the witness as hostile?”</p>
<p>“You may proceed, counselor,” Bradley announced. “Doctor, you must answer Mr. Kressler’s question.”</p>
<p>“No,” he relented. “None of the boys were injured.”</p>
<p>"In your personal experience as an ER physician, is it common for sexual abuse survivors to present with injury?"</p>
<p>He spoke quietly. "Yes."</p>
<p>The defense attorney nodded, satisfied. "Is it common for them to present with no injuries at all?"</p>
<p>Dr. Currier hesitated, glancing for a moment at Alex, who he wished he could have helped more. He saw victims of sexual violence all the time, and it angered him that his knowledge was being used in favor of an abuser. "No,” he eventually forced out.</p>
<p>That was all Kressler needed. “Thank you, Dr. Currier. Nothing further.”</p>
<p>Alex stood up immediately. This was probably her last chance to make a point, and it needed to be a good one. She cut straight to the chase. "Doctor, is it possible for a sexual assault to result in no injuries?"</p>
<p>Kressler hadn’t made it to the defense desk yet, and he didn’t even bother to turn around. "Objection. Dr. Currier is here as a fact witness, and Ms. Cabot is asking him to speculate."</p>
<p>This man didn’t even have to fight. Alex fought day in and day out to exist as anything more than a shell of a human being. Finding meaning in life look almost three decades, and Kressler didn’t even raise his voice to make the objection. He was calm, confident that his objection would be upheld by the judge. Cabot’s life had been full of heartache, danger, pain. Kressler took one look at her and deemed her incompetent, overly emotional, biased. This is why human Alex had been locked up, and the key had been thrown away eighteen years earlier. It was not safe to feel.</p>
<p>But God, how deeply she felt in the moment the defense attorney took away her chance.</p>
<p>She swiveled towards Bradley, frustration lacing her voice. "He's a doctor!"</p>
<p>"ADA Cabot,” the judge chastised. “The objection is sustained. Move on, counselor."</p>
<p>Is this what surrender felt like? "I...have no further questions for this witness."</p>
<p>A few beats.</p>
<p>“Your honor, the defense rests.”</p>
<p>Olivia was on the phone with Kimani by the time Alex made it out to her car. The courthouse was empty, so Liv decided to keep her car in the parking garage, opting instead to drive the younger woman home, but first, she thought it might be helpful for the blonde to be somewhere other than the apartment or Trial Part 32. “She can get us in for an emergency appointment. Just for some support right now. We can talk about Dr. Whitley if you want. What do you think?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I need—” She cut herself off, tired of the sound of her own voice. “Thank you, sweetie.”</p>
<p>“Of course, love. You’re not alone. I’ve got you.” Alex nodded in response, wordlessly getting into the passenger seat.</p>
<p>When they arrived at the LMFT’s office, Kimani welcomed them into the small, cozy room, and both women thanked her for seeing them after hours. “Alex, I know you can’t share the details, but do you want to talk some about how the trial of this case is affecting you?”</p>
<p>“No,” she replied at once, her voice resolute. “I cannot think about that mess anymore today.”</p>
<p>“Understood.”</p>
<p>“I want,” she continued without prompting, “to be productive, to be useful to myself, so I’d like to discuss a diagnosis I recently received from my gynecologist. I was diagnosed with secondary vaginismus, and I’m curious if you have techniques to manage it.”</p>
<p>All three women sat down, and Kimani leaned forward in her armchair. “Alex, I’m more than happy to discuss this with you. Is this a conversation you’d like Olivia to be a part of?” Cabot just nodded, scooting slightly closer to the brunette. “Okay, so first thing—I want to thank you for telling me about this diagnosis. I know it can be hard to talk about. I do have lots of experience with vaginismus, and I have plenty of action steps that I can share with you. Can I ask you a question first?” Another nod. “Are you surprised by this diagnosis?”</p>
<p>“Not really,” the prosecutor replied. “I stopped trying to use tampons as a teenager for a reason. I think a part of me always knew it was bigger than just fear.”</p>
<p>“Fear is a huge trigger for vaginismus, as are other things you’ve experienced, like abuse, sexual repression, and internalized homophobia. The good thing here is we know what’s causing it, and we’ll continue to address these factors in our sessions together.”</p>
<p>“So, what about—how do I help myself, physically?” the attorney asked Kimani. She was aware of the use of dilators to treat vaginismus, and the idea of putting anything foreign inside herself made her want to clamp her thighs shut, but she knew she needed to hear the woman out.</p>
<p>Kimani sensed that her client seemed ready to move forward to some extent. “Alex, do you feel ready to discuss an action plan? That is, of course, if you want to take action.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I…I do.”</p>
<p>“Great, so, my question for you before we begin is, when it comes to managing your vaginismus, what would you like our goal to be? How would you define success here?” When Alex didn’t answer, Kimani gave her some specific examples of things her clients had told her in the past. “Are you just looking to make doctors’ appointments less uncomfortable? Are you wanting to use tampons? Have penetrative sex?”</p>
<p>“I would…I would like for, uh,” she stuttered, blushing furiously and resisting the need to bury her face in Liv’s shirt.  “I would like for penetration to be an option in our sex life at some point. That’s what I want to work towards.”</p>
<p>The marriage and family therapist was satisfied with Alex’s conviction. “Alright, duly noted. And Olivia, can I ask how you feel about that?”</p>
<p>Benson was hoping she wouldn’t be included in this discussion, mostly because she was feeling so conflicted. Alex’s comfort was paramount, and Olivia struggled with the thought that she would never be fully comfortable with Alex being that vulnerable, especially when her own arousal was anxiety inducing. “I…I want that too, but I know that Alex needs to feel safe, and her needs are more important than my wants.”</p>
<p>“Baby, I want this.” Their desire for progress forced them to play the long game. Alex just wanted the love of her life to trust that she wouldn’t lie to her. She was in a better place. And as dreadful as the events of the D’Agostino trial were, and as confused as she was about why nothing had been going her way, she wasn’t confused about Olivia. She wanted Olivia—in every way humanly possible. “I promise. This is a process, and I just want to get started. You can be involved as little or as much as you want to be.”</p>
<p>When Liv leaned her forehead in to meet the lawyer’s, Kimani began speaking once again. “It sounds to me like you both are on the same page. It’s normal to have hesitations, and neither of you ever have to do something you’re not comfortable with. My job is to give you the information you need to do the work if and when you feel ready for it. But it’s never, ever mandatory. Do you want to hear what I generally recommend for my clients that struggle with vaginismus?”</p>
<p>They both nodded, joining hands.</p>
<p>“So, generally, Alex, I set people up with vaginal dilators, but based on the specifics of your case, I’m going to guess that using dilators may be more harmful than helpful for you.”</p>
<p>“How come?”</p>
<p>“Well, you struggle with control,” Kimani explained, both women already aware of this, something the therapist often reminded Alex was a strength, “which is more than understandable. I’m afraid that using an object will prevent you from feeling what you’re doing, and will worsen your limbic response.”</p>
<p>In that case, was there no hope for her? “So, what do you suggest?”</p>
<p>“I’m going to suggest using your own fingers instead.”</p>
<p>Alex was surprised, not to mention disappointed. “Oh.” She’d already done this, and it wasn’t working.</p>
<p>“It would be a very structured process,” Kimani assured, making eye contact with both women, “and it’s something I’ve had success with in the past with other clients.” She handed the blonde a piece of paper with instructions and a few diagrams on it, and already Alex could see that what the woman was suggesting was vastly different than what she’d tried in the past. “It’s the same general principle as the dilators, but this will give you more sensory feedback and more control. So, what you would do is start with just your pinky finger, using lubricant or even water helps, and you’ll insert it into your vagina only up to the first knuckle. You’ll take a few deep breaths and then if you’re comfortable, you would go up to the second knuckle. Don’t continue if you’re feeling pain. Some discomfort is okay, but don’t push yourself to the point of pain or panic. That’ll be counterproductive. Make sense?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Alex had never maintained more extended eye contact with anyone other than Olivia, and the ADA absorbed every word, as if Kimani were a teacher and she were the star pupil. “And then, would I do the same with my other fingers?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” she confirmed, “but this is supposed to be a process that takes weeks or even months. I recommend going in size order from pinky to thumb and only doing one finger per session, and no more than two sessions per day. Because it can be nerve-wracking, I always ask clients to set a timer for fifteen minutes and once it goes off, stop. You don’t have to do the full fifteen minutes, but I wouldn’t ever do more until you’re successful with each finger most of the time. You following still?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. No, it makes a lot of sense.” Alex glanced at Olivia to check for her understanding, and the detective smiled softly at her, placing a hand on her back.</p>
<p>“Glad to hear it. Are you overwhelmed with this, or do you want to talk about the rest of the steps?”</p>
<p>“I’m good. I need to feel productive right now, and this is helping.”</p>
<p>“Just stop me if it gets to be too much, Alex.” She waited for a nod and then continued. “Okay, so once you can do every finger, you can try two at a time if you want to. Same thing here, up to fifteen minutes twice a day until you are usually successful. At this point, if you want to, and I’m going to stress that point—only if you both want to—you can repeat the process with Olivia’s fingers. Olivia, I want to ask if this is something you’d want to do.”</p>
<p>Benson had been following along intently, and she’d been awed by the hope in Alex’s eyes. It was the attorney’s willingness to admit it was something she wanted that inspired her to do the same. “Yes. Absolutely,” she said to Kimani and to her girlfriend. Alex smiled and leaned into the older woman.</p>
<p>“I’m going to let you both have these instructions, so you don’t have to remember all of this. I also want to say, Alex, the work you’ve been doing here over the past several months will aid in this process. Dismantling all of the toxic beliefs you’ve internalized about sex is an important step not only to allow yourself to experience sexual stimulation, but also when it comes to learning to enjoy it. If you are aroused by these exercises, that is nothing to be ashamed of. Never force yourself to continue if you’re uncomfortable—I’m going to say that like fifteen more times—but arousal is often a natural result, so be kind to yourself. You too, Olivia—be kind to yourself. Remember your rebuttal arguments, and communicate with yourselves and with each other. You have the tools you need here. Be with yourself in the moment, and remember that you deserve your own compassion. How are we feeling?”</p>
<p>Alex deferred to Olivia, knowing the brunette would expect her to speak first. “I’m…I’m good. It’s all a little daunting, but I know we can work through it. What about you, sweetheart? I know a lot of this work is on you.”</p>
<p>The younger woman nodded. “I know. But I’m not alone anymore.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N:  Thank you for reading. I start my internship at a Domestic Violence Shelter (I'm scared and excited and all the feelings) next Thursday, so I am trying to write and post as many chapters as possible before then. The verdict is in the next chapter. Predictions?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Chapter 35</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here is Chapter 35. Normal trigger warnings apply. Unspecific discussion of vaginismus and attribution of blame for sexual abuse, as well as of course, the verdict in this case. Let me know if I need to add anything else. Ten chapters left.</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>Chapter 35</p>
<p>Alex sat down on the bed, a small wince escaping her, something she tried to hide to no avail. The SVU detective was immediately at her side, a hand instinctively travelling to her back, her fingers rubbing soothingly over aching muscles. “Baby,” she began, pained, ending the statement there.</p>
<p>Cabot sighed, leaning into her girlfriend, not sure what to say to comfort her. "I'm,” she choked out, grimacing, “I'm hurting tonight." Her feeble attempt to stretch her joints made it clear to Olivia that the blonde was referring to physical pain, at least in that moment. A whimper exploded out of her throat as her body protested the less than cautious maneuver. Alex tried to control her breathing, leaning into the other woman’s touch, the only stimuli that didn’t make her feel like she’d been hit by a freight train.</p>
<p>"Can I give you a massage?" Olivia pressed her lips to the crown of the prosecutor’s head, humming into the contact and squeezing her close, careful to avoid her most problematic pain areas.</p>
<p>"Sure." It came out as more of a grunt, and Benson released her partner immediately.</p>
<p>The brunette bore her eyes into the ADA’s, and the sheer intimacy of the moment made her tear up. “Did I hurt you, sweetie?”</p>
<p>“Honey,” Alex breathed, reaching to cradle the face of the most loving person she’d ever been lucky enough to know. “You’re the only thing that doesn’t hurt right now.”</p>
<p>Liv offered a sad smile, interlacing her fingers with the ones that still resided on her cheek and moving the hand to her lips so that she could kiss each knuckle. "Do you want to take off your shirt or leave it on? I'm only asking because it'll be easier for me to get your upper back and shoulders, which I know hurt you the most. But it's up to you."</p>
<p>Olivia thought of everything. Alex realized that this was a statement she often noted to herself, and it seemed hyperbolic from a distance, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized she wasn’t exaggerating. Cabot almost wished there were times when the woman she loved didn’t think of everything. Because then, maybe the older of the two would allow herself to just be for a few peaceful moments. "Yeah, I'm good to take it off. Thank you for checking though."</p>
<p>The lawyer pulled off her night shirt with a grimace, leaving her entire upper body bare, before reaching for a ponytail holder and lifting her hands behind her head in order to braid her flaxen locks. As pain shot through her shoulders, she instinctively dropped both upper limbs, burying her face into her knees in response to dizziness.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Olivia cooed, her hand coming to lie over the nape of the attorney’s neck, “take it easy. I’ll do your hair for you.” She waited a minute or so, allowing herself to just be present with Alex as her breathing slowed. “I’ll do your hair. Do you think you can sit up?”</p>
<p>She nodded, uncurling her body from the near-fetal position she’d placed herself in.</p>
<p>“Still dizzy?”</p>
<p>“No, I’m okay.” Her voice was quiet, subdued. She handed over the ponytail holder to her partner, and she focused on the gentle ministrations of Olivia’s fingers against her scalp and in her hair.</p>
<p>When she was finished, the detective pressed her lips to the nape of Alex’s neck, letting her hands travel over her shoulders and down her arms. “Do you want to lie down?”</p>
<p>The ADA lied on her stomach, resting her cheek on her forearms and keeping her eyes on Olivia as the older woman placed a single hand on her upper back, right between her shoulder blades. “Are you cold?” Alex shook her head. “Comfortable?” The brunette waited for a shallow nod before letting her fingertips press into the skin below them.</p>
<p>Silence came over the couple, and a few minutes passed before Olivia made a disconcerting observation about the woman next to her; she hadn’t seemed to make much progress towards relaxing. A degree of this was normal, and Liv knew that Alex liked to work through it, always assuring her girlfriend that she would let her know if she wanted to stop, but this night, only hours before a potential verdict, there was no indication that the prosecutor’s body had responded to the comforting touch at all.</p>
<p>“You are so tense, Al.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, gotta love my limbic system,” she spat sarcastically, targeting herself. “Always ready for anything.”</p>
<p>Olivia knew she wasn’t just referring to her clenched fists, gritted teeth, and tense shoulders. “Baby, your body is trying to protect you.”</p>
<p>Cabot, with much difficulty, rolled away from her partner, her hands coming to cover her eyes in frustration. “But I don’t need protection, Olivia. Your hands aren’t dangerous. Your words aren’t dangerous. My own touch,” she stressed, “isn’t dangerous. I’m not going to violate myself. You’re not going to violate me. I just wish I could communicate that with my body. I’m okay. I’m okay,” she articulated slowly, rolling back onto her stomach and throwing her arm over Olivia’s frame. “I know I have to be consciously gentler with myself, but my frustration is valid, right?” she questioned, seeking assurance.</p>
<p>Eagerly, the older woman resumed her massage, one hand on each of Alex’s shoulder blades as she hummed soothingly. “Of course it is. I get frustrated watching you struggle too.”</p>
<p>Alex bit her lip. “Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Benson admitted. “But I’m not frustrated with you, love. You’re not the person who deserves your anger.”</p>
<p>The lawyer hated when Liv brought this up. If she’d done nothing wrong, if she hadn’t deserved—</p>
<p>Then she was truly helpless.</p>
<p>“Anger at yourself isn’t going to heal you, baby. Just like it won’t heal me. Acknowledging that you were wronged and treated in a way that you didn’t deserve is step one, and forgiving yourself for having the inability to stop it is step two.”</p>
<p>“I deserve my own compassion.” Alex had never quite expressed anger towards the people who’d hurt her. She’d voiced hurt, betrayal, and fear. But anger and hatred directed at anyone but herself was still unheard of.</p>
<p>“Mhm,” Olivia murmured softly. “And whenever that’s hard for you, just remember that you have mine. Always. Always, always, always.”</p>
<p>The next morning, Liv found Alex at the kitchen table, scribbling on her legal pad—she’d write a few words and then scratch them out, write a few more and then bite her lip, lying the pen down on the table. When it had rolled off the wood surface and fallen onto the floor with a clatter, Cabot looked up at her partner as she bent down to retrieve the writing instrument. "Are you ready for your closing?"</p>
<p>"I mean, it's written—with flexibility to address Kressler's. But unless I can pull out the best summation I've ever given..."</p>
<p>"Hey. You can't think like that. You have to go into that courtroom every time thinking, knowing, you're going to win. Your confidence is what fuels you. Don't lose sight of that. Speaking of sight,” she sing-songed, handing the woman her glasses, which had also somehow landed on the floor, “ta-da! The glasses of justice.” She watched her partner fight off a small smirk. “Like a sexy librarian, but better."</p>
<p>She put on her glasses and quickly read over what she had written down. “It’s as good as it’s going to get,” she commented. “I just have to do it. You saw Kressler offer me the deal again, but I can't make it. D'Agostino committed sexual abuse in the first degree. I know it, you know it."</p>
<p>Olivia squatted so she wasn’t looking down at her, squeezing her thigh reassuringly. "And the jury will know it too, if they have their wits about them."</p>
<p>"I hope so. The one thing I was able to accomplish during voir dire was assembling a jury without strong ties to the Catholic Church. You know how Elliot is. No offense, babe, but I didn't want a jury full of Elliots for this case."</p>
<p>"None taken.” A jury full of Elliots would have been a disaster. “He can be intense. I get it. He believes the boys, for the record. He just thinks—"</p>
<p>Alex decided to save her the time and effort. "Yeah, yeah, I know—'not all priests.’ But actually, 'yes, all priests’ because even if it were just a few bad apples, what does that make the ones who stand by and do nothing?"</p>
<p>"Idiots?"</p>
<p>The ADA shook her head. "Complicit."</p>
<p>Alex drove to the courthouse and Olivia took a taxi.</p>
<p>The jury seemed antsy the moment they were led into the courtroom, but they were enthralled when Kressler started speaking.</p>
<p>"Ms. Cabot paints an incredibly sad picture, but the fact still remains that she cannot prove my client was involved in any assaults. Not to mention Dr. Currier, who testified that none of these three boys had any physical injury. He said it himself. No injury, no assault. As you deliberate today, remember these two words—reasonable doubt.” Alex had nightmares about the phrase. This jury seemed to want proof beyond any possible doubt, and it became dangerous when they forgot the difference between the two. “Ladies and gentlemen, I have given you cause for reasonable doubt. I have proven that these accusers had motive for revenge. We’ve heard from a doctor, who has casted doubt on Ms. Cabot’s story. And—we have heard from a parishioner of Father’s church, who has shared with us that my client is a dedicated Catholic, as well as a righteous priest, who would never participate in activities that go against the tenets of the Church. The least I have done is given you cause for reasonable doubt. Your mandate is to make that doubt known by finding Father D’Agostino not guilty."</p>
<p>The prosecutor allowed Kressler’s words to settle over the crowd for a few seconds, her eyes quickly meeting Liv’s confident expression as she approached the jury box. Olivia was either an incredible liar or slightly delusional, Alex thought to herself, smiling internally at the woman who for some reason just had faith in her.</p>
<p>The blonde intentionally softened her voice as she addressed the twelve individuals who were responsible for making this painstaking decision. "Close your eyes. Imagine you're at your church, synagogue, or mosque. You feel safe, enveloped in community, guarded by the love of your God.... Now, imagine you're not you. Imagine that you're twelve-years-old. You're beginning to discover who you are, what you want, your interests. You're still unsure of many of these things, but one thing you do know is that you're safe.”</p>
<p>She paused for effect. At least she had theatrics on her side. “And then you're violently proven wrong when the person who you're supposed to trust the most to guide you sexually assaults you in your place of worship. You're belittled. Not believed. Ignored. Called names. Asked to testify twice against your assailant and to share the excruciating details of what you lived through in open court.” Alex could relate to all but the last part, and she considered the three boys she’d come to admire so much to be her heroes.</p>
<p>“Now, open your eyes. Dominic Pizzolo, Bryson Mills, and Tommy Jiang don't have to imagine that. This is their reality. The one thing they thought they knew—safety—gone forever. You heard Mr. Kressler contend that no injury equals no sexual assault. However, Mr. Kressler has not proven that a sexual assault cannot occur without injury. In any case, I contend that an injury was sustained. Psychological injury. As we've heard from Dr. Huang, sexual assault survivors exhibit very specific symptoms in response to their trauma, symptoms that he has testified to seeing in each of the three complainants. These boys' lives will never be the same. But you all have an opportunity today. You can help restore these children's sense of safety, their sense of justice. You can do this by returning a guilty verdict. Because I have no doubt and neither should you—the defendant is guilty."</p>
<p>The jurors deliberated for three days.</p>
<p>On the third day, Kressler barged into a curtained conference room that Alex and Olivia had hid away in. “I think today’s the day, ladies,” he announced to them with a smile, chugging some water. “Father and I are going to mass after. Care to join us?”</p>
<p>“It’s awfully presumptuous of you to assume Father will be available for mass later,” Alex scolded him, relieved when Olivia remained silent.</p>
<p>“And it’s not incredibly intelligent of you to assume he won’t be, Alex. Anyway, we all know how this is going to go.” He shrugged. "If it's inevitable, just relax and try to enjoy the ride, eh?" he suggested, smirking when Liv immediately turned red.</p>
<p>As the man pivoted to walk away, Olivia lept forward, preparing to give him the what-for.</p>
<p>"Olivia. Olivia, no," Cabot begged her, reaching out to stop her and close the conference room door. "Olivia, please. Don't."</p>
<p>The cop was in rare form, rage completely overtaking her, but still, still she stopped herself from swinging the door open and bolting down the hallway. The look in the love of her life’s eyes and the tearful utterance of the word “no” extinguished her flame just enough for her to control herself. "I can't, sweetheart. I just can't let him talk to you like that."</p>
<p>“Olivia.” Alex placed two steadying hands on each of her shoulders, offering her a sad but comforting smile. "I can't imagine how hard that was for you to hear, my love, but I've heard worse,” she reasoned. “I can take it."</p>
<p>Her stance relaxed only slightly. "Just because you can take it, doesn't mean you should have to."</p>
<p>"I know. But if I'm going to live even any semblance of a normal life, I have to pick my battles. Kressler is a self-important, misogynistic creep, who gets his kicks from making me feel small. But that's his problem, not mine. And I'm okay."</p>
<p>"But how would he even know?"</p>
<p>The ADA remembered what Olivia had asked her the day after she first suspected that her girlfriend was a survivor. "People choose SVU for a reason. He probably guessed, and knew he was right by the way you reacted."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Olivia grimaced, realizing her role in the confrontation she’d done nothing to stop.</p>
<p>"Not your fault,” she promised, feeling a growing urge to get out of the room. “I'm going to go get lunch. Do you want anything?"</p>
<p>"I'm not too hungry, but c'mon,” Benson said, longing to protect the woman she loved. “I’ll walk with you down to the cafeteria.”</p>
<p>"I actually think I need the time alone. To clear my head." She’d been angered by the man’s words, but she didn’t feel afraid. As anger began to build within her, she wondered if this was the catalyst she needed to begin directing her negative emotions towards the right people.</p>
<p>“Okay, sweetheart. Are you sure you’re alright?”</p>
<p>“I will get there.” Alex stretched, her back popping at the strain. “Are you alright?”</p>
<p>The detective squeezed the blonde’s hand. “I’ll get there too.”</p>
<p>The jury came back as Alex was finishing up her salad, and by the time the foreman was asked to read the verdict, she regretted her decision to eat anything at all.</p>
<p>“Members of the jury,” Bradley said, “in the matter of The People of the State of New York versus Roberto D’Agostino, how do you find?”</p>
<p>Alex could feel Olivia’s eyes digging into the back of her head, and the attorney was unsure of what the older woman planned to do if this went badly. Cabot’s mind was empty as the young man cleared his throat. “We find the defendant…”</p>
<p>Why did they always pause? This wasn’t a fucking TV show! Just read the verdict and get it over with.</p>
<p>Quick, like a band-aid.</p>
<p>But Alex found that the pain often lasted much longer.</p>
<p>“…not guilty.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Alright, friends. Before everyone gets angry—and rightfully so—I'm going to ask for two things. First, please don't hate me. I've struggled long and hard with this decision, and based on the course of this trial, a guilty verdict would absolutely be successfully appealed almost immediately here. Second, trust that I have a plan. Justice isn't always swift. This not guilty verdict will serve as a catalyst for a major breakthrough in Chapter 37. I appreciate your patience and support, and feel free to tell me how you plan to murder D'Agostino (and Pastor Paul, by extension) in his sleep. I wholeheartedly agree.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Chapter 36</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here is Chapter 36. I’m posting this chapter about twenty-four hours after Chapter 35. Please make sure you have read Chapter 35 (and know the verdict) before reading Chapter 36 because obviously, there will be major spoilers here.</p>
<p>Normal trigger warnings apply, including PTSD flashbacks related to sexual assault and a homophobic slur. This one is powerful, you guys. I shed a few tears writing it.</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p>
<p>Chapter 36</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cabot tied up some loose ends at the courthouse and then left as quickly as she could. She began walking down the sidewalk, rain painfully pummeling her reddened and already inflamed joints. Her head spun and her ears rang.</p>
<p>What had just happened? It should have just been a case. Just an ordinary case. Alex may have had a high conviction rate, but she’d obviously lost before. Why was she so upset right now? Why had she refused to shake Kressler’s hand? Kressler—the man who had spent months trying to get into her head, trying to get her to break. And the worst part about it was he had succeeded.</p>
<p>She’d never in her life been more prepared for a not guilty verdict. There really wasn’t even a minuscule part of her that believed she’d win this case. Had it, then, been about precedent? About getting someone to pay attention to the fact that injuries weren’t always external? That pain wasn’t always physical? That justice was absolutely not blind, and it never had been?</p>
<p>Or had it been about her?</p>
<p>About Alex, about Pastor Paul, about her parents. About a whole neighborhood of people who took her parents’ word over hers simply because the child had a reputation for being “trouble.”</p>
<p>For being dirty.</p>
<p>Gross.</p>
<p>Wrong.</p>
<p>How could Alex even begin to develop adequate rebuttal arguments for those things?</p>
<p>At some point, Olivia pulled up beside her in her own car. “Sweetheart.”</p>
<p>Alex ignored her.</p>
<p>“Sweetheart, please get in the car,” the brunette begged, turning the windshield wipers on to the highest setting and being assaulted by the rainwater coming in through the open window. “We don’t—” she wiped some water off of her face. “We don’t have to talk. Just let me get you home safe.”</p>
<p>The younger woman kept her eyes trained on the back of the head of a man who walked in front of her, and she sped up to match his strides. If she acknowledged Olivia’s presence, if she let her devastated blue eyes meet the detective’s empathetic orbs, she knew she would have no choice but to get into the car.</p>
<p>Olivia didn’t deserve this.</p>
<p>Eventually, someone behind Olivia honked, and the brunette knew she’d run out of time. “Do you need to be alone right now?” she called out to her desperately.</p>
<p>All Alex could offer her was a swift nod. She wanted to thank her, comfort her, reassure her that she knew how to get home safe, ensure the woman she loved that she had her phone and would call if she needed her, but mostly she wanted to tell Olivia that she was okay.</p>
<p>But that would have been a lie. So after the woman she loved did the right thing and told her she’d see her at home, Alex watched her drive away, a sob working its way up her throat. She was overwhelmed by guilt instantly.</p>
<p>Guilt.</p>
<p>The ADA shook her head at the flood of embarrassment, shame, and self-hatred that threatened to drown her, but she didn’t have the strength to hold it off for long. Her drill sergeant was back, and he was livid.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Don't be an embarrassment."</em>
</p>
<p>"Focus on what you know is true,” she whispered, zeroing in on the compassion she deserved to afford herself. “Focus on what you know is true. My name is Alex. I am an attorney. I am a person.” She brushed dripping hair out of her eyes as she turned the corner. “I am a <em>person</em>. Olivia loves me. I love Olivia. I am safe. Safe. I just lost a case. I just lost...”</p>
<p>"No!" she shouted at herself, and, more accurately, her drill-sergeant.</p>
<p>
  <em>"We're in God's house, Alexandra."</em>
</p>
<p>Fuck. “No. No, no, no, no, no.” She must have looked like a crazy person, she realized, walking in a storm with no umbrella, all the while angrily talking to herself.</p>
<p>
  <em>"What are you, a dyke?"</em>
</p>
<p>Pastor Paul. He’d crawled up out of the woodwork and found her, meeting her in the darkest moments she’d had in years. “I am a <em>person</em>,” she asserted passionately, hoping against hope that it would send him packing, but she knew better. Alex was used to his ghost following her around, lingering, just waiting to strike. If only he really were a ghost. “I am a person, who loves another person. My relationship with Olivia is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am a person.”</p>
<p>
  <em>"Stop spewing such nonsense, Hurricane Alexandra."</em>
</p>
<p>Her father wasn’t far behind him, pretending to be concerned, pretending to care about her honor, when Alex had known for a long time, deep down in the recesses of her mind she deliberately never visited, that it had been his doing. There had been a deal.  “Focus on what you know is true….”</p>
<p>
  <em>"I heard you liked me."</em>
</p>
<p>Tammy seemed to join hands with Wilbur Cabot and Pastor Paul, the trio laughing at the fool she was making of herself, almost colliding with several pedestrians as she dissected and destroyed all of her drill sergeant’s pawns, all of his soldiers. But her drill sergeant had never been on her side. He had been on <em>their</em> side from the very beginning. “I hate you!”</p>
<p>
  <em>"C'mon, I know you like me."</em>
</p>
<p>“I don’t deserve this, Tammy. I didn’t deserve what you did to me. I didn’t deserve to be abused, belittled.” Her hand, fingers pruny from the incessant rainfall, came up to meet her pale lips as she began to cry. “I didn’t deserve to be raped.” She was vaguely aware of people staring at her, a tall, beautiful woman walking down the street achingly alone, crying and mumbling incoherently to herself and shooting daggers at anyone audacious enough to even chance a look.</p>
<p>
  <em>"Don't you like me?"</em>
</p>
<p>“I never liked you, Tammy! I liked attention. I liked love. I liked the idea of love. But you…I hate you.”</p>
<p>The ghostly figure laughed, just like she’d laughed when—</p>
<p>Alex shook off the memory, knowing what was coming next. This progression of memories hadn’t hit her this head-on since the night of the “Great Freak Out”, when she’d kissed Olivia for the first time.</p>
<p>
  <em>"If they didn't believe you after Pastor Paul, what makes you think they'll believe you now?"</em>
</p>
<p>“Because I’m telling the truth,” she wished she’d said to her second assailant. “Because you’re a monster, and I’m a child. I’m a child!”</p>
<p>
  <em>"No one cares about you."</em>
</p>
<p>Alex’s posture stiffened somewhat, her eyes lifting upwards. “I care about me.” She turned onto the street her and Olivia lived on, squeezing some water out of her hair. “I deserve my own compassion.”</p>
<p>
  <em>"No one is safe."</em>
</p>
<p>Her drill sergeant quieted, her hammering heart and heaving shoulders guiding her movements, guiding her processing—until she’d arrived at the only rebuttal that could even begin to address the significance of the moment. It was an accusation. And finally, at last, someone listened.</p>
<p>“You’ve been lying to me every day of my entire life.”</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>There was only silence for many seconds—until a single word lodged itself into her psyche and wouldn’t relent until she’d said it out loud.</p>
<p>"Guilty," she spat into the humid air, repeating the word over and over again until the phrase she'd been dreading hearing ever since the moment she met Bryson Mills knocked the wind out of her for the second time in as many hours. Not guilty. She doubled the pace of her walking, her strides becoming wider, angrier, as she shrugged off the deluge of rain as if it weren't even there. Any progress she’d made with herself in the past several minutes washed away at the words, just like the rainbow drawn with sidewalk chalk in front of her disappeared with the ever-increasing in intensity onslaught of the rain.</p>
<p>Not guilty.</p>
<p>Not guilty.</p>
<p>Not—</p>
<p>Guilty. Alex was guilty. Alex failed to secure the conviction. The jury hadn't bought her case. Olivia had been upset when the ADA refused to get in the car. Of course she’d been. Alex was to blame. She was always to blame.</p>
<p>Guilty.</p>
<p> A chilling realization split the early evening, along with a crack of thunder, as Alex Cabot, soaking wet—both from the rain and her own tears—entered the shelter of the apartment complex she’d begun to consider home.</p>
<p>
  <em>Pastor Paul….</em>
</p>
<p>Olivia had made it back to the apartment fairly quickly, despite the Manhattan rush hour traffic. She immediately began pacing in front of the door, anxiously anticipating Alex’s return. Wave after wave of worry crashed over her as she tried to predict what was happening in the woman’s mind. What could se even do for her when she got home? What would she need? Alex only requested space when her drill sergeant had taken over, but that hadn’t happened in months.</p>
<p>The detective found herself hating Father D’Agostino more than she ever had before, and she’d absolutely despised him before. Predators had the tendency to destroy the lives of everyone around them, not just their victims. And to him, maybe Alex was just collateral damage. She certainly was to the priest’s defense attorney, who Liv wanted to call up right that instant. But she wouldn’t—because the person she loved most in the entire world had asked her not to. And the least the brilliant and wounded woman deserved was to have her boundaries respected.</p>
<p>Alex had become incredibly skilled at setting limits with Olivia, at feeling like she could say “no” and not risk being abandoned, an amazing feat. But when it came to those who didn’t invite the prosecutor to share her boundaries, or people like Kressler, who deliberately and actively sought to violate them, she hadn’t quite mastered standing up for herself. Liv speculated that it wasn’t because the woman felt undeserving of basic human dignity—at least most of the time—but rather it was because she’d been conditioned to fear the consequences.</p>
<p>Standing up to Kressler would only serve to exacerbate her icy reputation at 1 Hogan Place.</p>
<p>Asking Elliot to stop asking questions about their relationship would only make working with SVU more difficult.</p>
<p>Calling up her mother and yelling at her would only infuriate her father, and who knows what would happen then?</p>
<p>Putting her foot down and saying “no” only made her adversaries dig in their heels and demand a “yes.”</p>
<p>And Olivia knew Alex wasn’t quite ready to resent those who perpetuated this reality in her life. So, instead she resented herself for being unsure of how to push through those fears. Instead she blamed herself for making people dislike her. Instead she just said “yes” because in the end it was easier.</p>
<p>By the time the blonde entered the apartment, her entire body was shaking viscerally. She stopped just beyond the door, finally trying to make eye contact with Olivia, who as always was being more gentle with her than she probably deserved. God, how afraid she must have been, waiting for Alex to arrive—if she’d ever made it through the pouring rain, setting sun, and malevolent city.</p>
<p>"Baby, you're dripping,” Liv said more to herself than to Alex, searching for the younger woman’s eyes in the midst of stormy, unfocused, and wild pupils, which darted around the room before delicate eyelids closed forcefully around them as the woman winced, both at the pain that hit her as she re-entered her body and the kindness with which Olivia spoke to her as she stepped forward, reaching out hesitantly. “Can I help you dry off?"</p>
<p>Cabot held her back with an extended palm. The last thing she needed right now was to be enveloped in Olivia’s warmth. It was time to process these emotions, to be angry, to figure out what she was actually feeling, and even though keeping the concerned detective at arm’s length was likely insensitive—for one—and maladaptive—for two—all she was currently able to consciously compute was that Liv, who had instantaneously responded to her request for distance, would calm her prematurely. She needed to be in the dark place, and the scariest part about it was she didn’t know if that was her drill sergeant speaking or her own intuition. "I need space, Olivia,” she explained quietly, wincing at the pain of rejection on the love of her life’s features. “I just...can't. I can't handle your kindness and your compassion right now. I need to be mad.” The older woman nodded. Whatever she needed. “In what world is that man not guilty?"</p>
<p>"You don't know what they were thinking. It could have been a technicality. Getting twelve people to arrive at a unanimous decision is just…" Olivia trailed off. “I mean, they deliberated for three days. Someone must have held on for a while.”</p>
<p>Alex shook her head, appreciating the challenge, as she slid off her waterlogged heels and squeezed her drenched hair onto the welcome rug. "I polled the jury. You saw it! They didn't believe the boys. Probably thought they were gay and projecting or some dumb shit like that."</p>
<p>The brunette sensed that the lawyer was just waiting to be provoked. She needed to be mad, she’d said. "Sounds like an opinion you've heard before."</p>
<p>It worked. Alex crossed her arms over her chest and laughed mirthlessly. "God, why must you make everything about me?"</p>
<p>She took a cautious step forward, careful not to box the other woman in. "Because attorney Alex would have calmly shaken her opponent's hand and comforted the vics.  I saw the light leave your eyes, Al. Countertransference isn't uncommon for survivors who work with survivors."</p>
<p>Though her chest still heaved, the attorney’s voice softened. "It's never happened before."</p>
<p>"Because you never let it before. You had all the hurt buried deep down inside you, and now it's at the surface."</p>
<p>Alex shook her head, biting her lip and hugging her trembling form. "It's my fault."</p>
<p>"Hey.” Though Olivia so deeply wanted to give the woman an outlet for her anger, she just couldn’t continue to let her go down this path. “Focus on what you know is true. Think about your rebuttal arguments."</p>
<p>She’d been doing that since the moment she left the courthouse, and it wasn’t working. She couldn’t even do that right. "I can't,” she sniffled, allowing Olivia to approach her. Cabot ached to launch herself into the woman’s waiting arms, but she knew if she didn’t let herself be this vulnerable, this raw, this enraged, it would—hopefully—be an eternity before she arrived at that place again.</p>
<p>The older woman nodded encouragingly at her. "I'm right here. Just try."</p>
<p>Alex had already made her choice. "I need a bath."</p>
<p>Watching her eyes tear up again, Liv couldn’t control the lift of her arm as it once again sought to comfort the blonde. "Baby—"</p>
<p>"Please don't touch me right now, Olivia. I'm really upset." Again, as if some unseen force had taken over the detective’s body, her arm fell of its own accord at the request.</p>
<p>Alex's phone rang. "Alex Cabot."</p>
<p>Olivia knew this storm would be temporary, but that it would also be significant. That in order to start anew, all the darkness inside of her partner needed to be exposed and dug out, a painful process, but a necessary one.</p>
<p>"Hi, Cleo." Liv studied Alex as she listened. "Yes, I'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you." The prosecutor nodded at the voice on the phone, turning away from Olivia. "I'll have the paperwork drawn up by Monday morning." When she hung up, she looked directly at the woman she loved, and it was obvious that she longed to ignore the darkness that was bubbling to the surface. Still, however, Alex refused to step even incrementally closer to her, and so Liv followed her lead as she spoke. "That was Cleo Conrad. I'm doing the right thing this time and making a deal in the Karzai case. He'll get twenty-five years. Veeda doesn't have to testify. Case closed."</p>
<p>"Sweetheart, not every case—"</p>
<p>"I should have made a deal, Olivia! But I didn't. Because somehow, I was seeking justice for my own assault. In what way is human Alex helpful here? That monster got off, and I let him! It's my fault!" Benson opened her mouth to rebut the other woman's claim, but no words came out. Was there anything she could say in this moment to help a person who desperately didn't want to be comforted? "You have nothing to say, Liv, and that's because you know it's true."</p>
<p>She walked into the bedroom, immediately slamming the door behind her.</p>
<p>She needed to be alone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading! Things will be getting better soon, and in the next chapter, we will start seeing the light.</p>
<p>Love always,</p>
<p>Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Chapter 37</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here is Chapter 37, which I’m hoping is one of the moments we’ve all been waiting for. I consider this chapter to be the emotional climax of the story, so be sure and tell me what you think. Normal trigger warnings apply—with a few specific comments about a sexual assault.</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p>
<p>Chapter 37</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Olivia found her girlfriend in the bathtub, huddled up into a ball. The brunette had knocked on the bathroom door after about thirty minutes, and she’d waited for a weak voice granting her permission to enter before slowly sliding it open. "Are you ready to talk, love?"</p>
<p>The attorney gestured for the woman to sit on the ground next to the tub, only slightly releasing her legs from her desperate hold on them. Her eyes were red and puffy, but some color had returned to her face. "I'm sorry for lashing out, baby. I was a total ass."</p>
<p>"That's not what I'm here to talk about, sweetie,” the detective assured the blonde, gripping onto the side of the bathtub in lieu of touching Alex. “I want to know what's going on in here." She gestured vaguely towards her skull, and Cabot sighed, biting her lip.</p>
<p>"Guilt,” she acknowledged. “Lots of guilt. Lots of regret. Lots of 'what the fuck was I thinking bringing an unwinnable case to trial?'"</p>
<p>Liv knew this wasn’t the bulk of what the love of her life had been dealing with alone, but it was a starting point, and she was talking now, so they were making progress. "You know, if you're guilty, I am too."</p>
<p>"How?"</p>
<p>"I didn't bring you enough evidence."</p>
<p>"That's not your fault, Liv,” the ADA insisted, leaning forward to open up the drain of the bathtub and fill it with more hot water. She had gotten used to cold showers and baths due to the amount of time she’d spent cleaning herself in her life, but she felt she deserved to be at least somewhat physically comfortable during this process. “Sometimes there just...isn't any. Nothing that would hold up in court at least."</p>
<p>"You put up a good fight here,” Olivia told her, hoping the younger woman would start giving herself some credit where credit was due.</p>
<p>The prosecutor smiled sadly, appreciating Liv’s valiant attempt to make her feel better. She didn’t suddenly feel like her loss was acceptable, but unlike when the brunette had earlier tried to assure her that the situation wasn’t entirely her fault, she was now capable of hearing and absorbing Benson’s words. "Not good enough. And now those boys will always remember who failed them."</p>
<p>Olivia shook her head, trying to get Alex to dig deeper into her own emotions. "Those boys will always remember who believed them. Who valued them enough to try a long shot case because that's how much they mattered to you."</p>
<p>"I just...I made it too personal, and that was its undoing. This case never should have gone to trial. If I can't be impartial...."</p>
<p>"Hey. You struggled with this one for obvious reasons. And with all the work you've been doing, your wounds are raw. It won't always be that way." Because Alex seemed more calm, Liv felt the urge to reach out and touch her, letting her fingers hover over matted, rain-soaked hair. She hesitated, noticing a twig that had likely fallen from a tree and landed in the blonde’s birds’ nest. “Can I wash your hair?” the older woman requested gently, barely louder than a whisper.</p>
<p>Cabot nodded with a soft smile. She knew her partner had been longing to comfort her in some way, and she’d really wanted to accept her advances—even from the beginning—but she’d needed to do some processing first. She had needed to allow herself to be in the cold, dark place and actually feel it, rather than completely ignoring it like she had been doing for two decades. “Yeah, I’d like that,” she breathed, closing the drain and maneuvering in the bathtub so that Olivia could more easily reach her scalp before handing the woman a bottle of shampoo. “Thank you, baby,” she said gratefully, receiving a hum in response.</p>
<p>"And there's always hope, right?” she offered after a few moments of silence, the cop beginning the process by massaging her fingers through tangled hair. “I mean, if more victims come forward. I could have another chance."</p>
<p>“Mhm.” Liv smiled at the re-emerging optimism in her voice, and she wondered what about the alone time she had so adamantly demanded had been so powerful that it restored a sense of hope, a sense of there being a path towards the light for the blonde. “You knew three months would have been an insult to those boys. You fought for what they deserved and I'm proud of you. But can we put the case aside for a minute?” she asked, starting to rinse out the hair she’d lathered with Alex’s favorite shampoo, one that she’d begun to use after smelling it on Olivia. “What do you need right now?"</p>
<p>The ADA sighed again, remembering one of the multiple conversations she’d been having with herself in what had become <em>their</em> bathroom. "Remind me that human Alex is better."</p>
<p>"Baby, humans make mistakes, and you're no exception. But so much of this was out of your control. It was lose/lose. You can't blame yourself for that."</p>
<p>"Then, why do I?"</p>
<p>Benson watched as her partner resituated herself in the bathtub, leaning against the ceramic lip in a more comfortable position once the detective had finished washing her hair. "Because robotic 'nothing fazes me' Alex is losing her lead against human Alex. She knows she's losing, and it's only natural for someone to fight harder when they know they're losing."</p>
<p>The prosecutor’s eyes closed, and she really took in the other woman’s words. Eventually, she reached for Olivia’s arm, squeezing it as it rested inches away from her skin. "God, Liv, you really do keep me sane."</p>
<p>"Same here,” the older of the two mused quietly. “Is there anything else I can do for you?"</p>
<p>Alex reflected for a few seconds on whether she was ready for what she knew they were both likely craving, and she came to the conclusion that now that she’d let herself spend adequate time in the cold, dark place, feeling her feelings and allowing herself to respond naturally to the events of the day—and her entire life if she were being honest—it was time for her and Liv to reconnect. "Get in with me? I need you."</p>
<p>"You sure?" Liv didn’t want to get her hopes up quite yet, but her body ached to be molded against her girlfriend’s warm flesh, to hold her close and to just be together.</p>
<p>"Yeah,” the younger woman confirmed. “Human Alex needs some fuel."</p>
<p>Olivia quickly undressed and slipped in behind Alex, the attorney settling in between her legs. She hummed into the contact as the police officer wrapped her arms around her middle and nuzzled her nose into Alex’s hair. The blonde rested the back of her head against Liv’s strong shoulder, and they sat together in silence for many minutes.</p>
<p>Alex spoke first, her forefinger tracing patterns over the hand that lied over her stomach. "I'm really sorry, Liv, for shutting you out. I just needed to be mad and figure out what I was feeling, and I knew that being close to you would just give me the warm and fuzzies."</p>
<p>Olivia chuckled once before sobering. "Honey, I understand why you needed that time. It's okay."</p>
<p>"I'm still sorry I hurt you."</p>
<p>"You realized you needed something, and you asked for it,” she observed proudly. “I was mostly just worried about you."</p>
<p>Alex hummed in response. The woman she loved had obviously worried about her well-being, especially as she walked home alone in the relentless rain and unforgiving Manhattan evening, but still, something in her moral compass hadn’t allowed her to push once she knew that Alex had needed space. "You're the best person I know, Olivia. It's so natural for you to respect me, you know that, right? You really don't even need to think about it. I can tell."</p>
<p>Benson brushed her lips against the shell of the lawyer’s ear, echoing her love’s hum. "I know that now."</p>
<p>"Please don't ever doubt yourself. You're an angel. And you're everything to me."</p>
<p>Liv whispered, “Ditto” thrice into Alex’s ear. "How are you feeling, pain-wise?"</p>
<p>"A lot better than yesterday,” she acknowledged, taking stock of her body and realizing that the elephant who’d previously been sitting on her back had decided to get up and walk away. Well, Alex figured, maybe there was no longer an elephant in the room. “You and hot water are my body's best friends. What about you? You had quite a day." Alex lifted her knees and planted her feet at the bottom of the bathtub, making it easier for Liv to wrap her arms around the ADA’s entire body, a hand resting on her right knee.</p>
<p>The detective squeezed her closer. "I'm better now that you're in my arms."</p>
<p>"Olivia Benson,” Cabot swooned theatrically, “what a romantic!"</p>
<p>Benson's fingers traveled over her kneecap and landed on the inside of her thigh, scratching gently against wet skin. The younger woman placed her hand over the brunette's after a moment, and Liv stopped her movements. "This too much, Al?"</p>
<p>Alex shook her head. "No, I just...I'm not quite ready for sex, I don't think, but I was wondering if you'd be willing to touch me. I'd hold your hand so you don't have to worry about doing anything before I'm ready."</p>
<p>Liv’s fingers twitched against her skin, and the blonde felt her inhale deeply. “But only if you want to,” Alex decided to add. “No pressure. We’re just connecting, and I feel safe, so I thought—”</p>
<p>The detective could tell the woman she loved wanted a break from talking. Olivia decided she would bring the topic up again if it didn’t come up organically—Alex had clearly cited needing to be angry as the reason for requesting space, so there seemed to be something left unsaid, or it was possible she just wasn’t yet ready to talk about it. Either way, Olivia could sense in the relaxed stance of her body that she wasn’t purposefully avoiding discussion; it was quite the opposite actually: she was inviting vulnerability and intimacy into the conversation, into the water with the two of them.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to explain yourself, sweetie. I just want to be sure you’re in a better place before we consider doing something like this.”</p>
<p>Cabot hummed. “I’m good, Liv. I’ve really gotten some clarity today, which I want to talk about, but first, I want some quiet and some intimacy—as long as you’re up for it.” She rested the palm of her hand over the back of Olivia’s, interlacing their fingers and squeezing lightly. “But it’s your call. You need to be comfortable with it too.”</p>
<p>Olivia had ached for this for months, but in this moment, when it came down to it, it was important to her that she involved her head as much as her heart—or any other body part for that matter. When Alex squeezed her hand again, she came to the abrupt realization that her partner was comforting <em>her</em>, instead of the other way around, which mere weeks ago would have completely freaked her out, but now—as their joined hands wandered aimlessly in the depths of the bathwater—it felt unbelievably right. It was as Kimani had said, they would do this <em>together.</em></p>
<p>It was a slow descent to the apex of her thighs, and when Olivia first consciously felt the ghosting of pubic hair against her skin, she kissed her ear once again. “Whenever you’re ready,” she prompted the younger woman, who she could feel smile.</p>
<p>Alex squeezed her hand again, and then in one quick movement, she rested their combined ten fingers over her most vulnerable area, earning a gasp from both of them. The prosecutor inhaled slowly and then exhaled, the only sounds in the room their synchronized breathing.</p>
<p>The moment was magical, and though a base part of Alex felt the urge to thrust her hips into the touch, she held back—safety was paramount. "You can, you can move your hand if you want." She held her breath, unsure of how she wanted her girlfriend to respond.</p>
<p>"Al, I'm not comfortable doing that in a position where I can't look at your face. Do you want to get out?"</p>
<p>"No, no, it's okay. I'm not in a rush. We have time. Your boundaries matter too, sweetie. You have to remember that." Alex squeezed her fingers around the ones that rested carefully over sensitive skin, lifting the hand to her lips and pressing a lingering kiss to the palm before wrapping the set of arms around her middle. "And even though I feel better now, I know today isn't a good day to go farther," she realized.</p>
<p>"I love you," Liv whispered into her neck.</p>
<p>"I love you too." It was quiet for a few seconds before the ADA'S body shook with a forceful sob.</p>
<p>"Sweetheart?"</p>
<p>"I'm okay, Liv. I...” Alex knew it was time to discuss the more painful conversation she’d been having with herself, and it was forcing itself out of her with each unasked-for tear that fell from her eyes. “I just, I'm feeling a lot right now. I've never allowed myself to give in to my emotions, but now, with you, everything just bubbles to the surface immediately."</p>
<p>"There's nothing wrong with that, love. You have to let yourself feel what you're feeling. You can cry. It's okay."</p>
<p>"I'm not sad. I mean, I'm sad about the verdict,” she corrected herself, “but I'm also relieved that it's over, you know?"</p>
<p>"Mhm." Olivia pressed her lips into Alex’s hair, letting them linger as she cooed softly in comfort, the younger woman continuing to cry quietly. "I've got you, honey. Just let it all out." Eventually, the lawyer’s breathing evened again. "Do you think you can share a little bit about this anger you've been processing?"</p>
<p>Cabot bobbed her head up and down, preparing to share the details of her time in the rain. "I've been having a hard time, in extra pain, not sleeping, awful anxiety, and I thought it was because of this trial.” Liv encouraged her to continue with a loving hum and a soft kiss. “But I realized after the verdict that yesterday was the anniversary of Pastor Paul."</p>
<p>Alex felt the brunette’s breath seize for an extended moment. "What has it been, eighteen years?"</p>
<p>"Yeah. It sounds so far away, but sometimes it feels like it really was yesterday. He left me there alone, you know. I cleaned myself up, the pew. I limped home and got into the bathtub. I scrubbed every inch of my body raw, and I just cried. For hours. The water got so cold. Sometimes I still feel like that little girl, like I'm just cleaning up mess after mess after mess. I know I did the best I could with the case, but I hate that my best wasn't enough. I don't want those boys to turn out like I did. I don't want them to be empty, alone, scared to get close to anyone. For eighteen years, I blamed myself. I shouldn't have been gay. I should have fought him. I should have ran. But Olivia, I was a baby!" She stood up, rage building inside her. "I was a baby, just like the boys. Someone should have been protecting me! I guess it was always just easier to hate myself than to accept there was nothing I could have done to stop it from happening. But now I have this image in my mind of those kids crying in their mothers’ arms and D'Agostino walking out of that courtroom like nothing ever happened, and I'm so angry." She stepped out of the tub, shivering, Olivia on her heels. "I'm angry about the time I lost. I'm angry at my parents. I'm so fucking angry at Pastor Paul and Tammy. I'm angry at what they took from me. And I thought, I thought if I could get these kids justice, maybe, just maybe they wouldn't have to go through what I did." Alex had never expressed such vitriol towards her abusers before. It was an intense moment, but it was clearly more of a breakthrough than a breakdown.</p>
<p>"Sweetie, they're going to be okay,” she promised the other woman, handing her a towel to wrap around herself, wanting to address her immediate concerns first. “They're going to get help. Huang is referring them to a specialist. They won't be alone in this."</p>
<p>"<em>This</em> shouldn't have happened,” Alex raged, her eyes boring into Olivia’s understanding chocolate orbs. The brunette had been the one angry all this time, and Cabot wondered if she was relieved now that prosecutor concurred. “They should have been safe. <em>I</em> should have been safe. I didn't deserve that. I didn't do anything wrong."</p>
<p>The cop offered her partner a sad smile, the significance of the moment not lost on her. She stepped forward, not daring to touch her, but leaving minimal space between herself and Alex’s heaving chest. "No, my love, you didn't."</p>
<p>"I deserve to hate them,” she allowed herself, emotion building in the resolute tone of her voice. “I don't deserve to hate myself. And I deserve to forgive myself for the time I spent making excuses for everyone but the one person who wasn’t at fault."</p>
<p>Liv couldn’t resist the tears that came to her eyes as she slowly lifted up a hand. "Can I?" she asked.</p>
<p>Alex nodded, an eerie calm coming over her. "Yeah."</p>
<p>Benson let her hand smooth over blonde hair, before using ten fingers to cradle her face, bringing her in for a kiss to her forehead, nose, and then lips.</p>
<p>"This feels big, Liv."</p>
<p>"This <em>is</em> big."</p>
<p>"I spent so long being angry at the wrong person,” she lamented. “I just don't know where to go from here."</p>
<p>"We go forward, sweetheart.” Olivia pulled the younger woman into her arms, relieved to find that she was ready to accept affection and comfort. “We go forward from here."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading, and I’d really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Eight chapters left!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Chapter 38</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here is Chapter 38, which I’ve been waiting to write for FOREVER. Content warning for the management of vaginismus, as well as conversation around sexual boundaries. My AO3 friends, thank you thank you thank you for getting me to ONE HUNDRED kudos. Wow!</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p>
<p>Chapter 38</p>
<p>And move forward they did. As winter turned into spring, Alex had sprung forward in progress. Her entire body felt lighter as it moved, and though the ghosts of her past hadn’t freed her entirely—she suspected they never would—the load she was carrying was now bearable. Anger at her abusers had turned into love and compassion for herself, and she’d never in her life looked more forward to the future, while still capable of living in the present. The ADA occasionally still experienced moments of frustration towards herself, but she had a rebuttal argument now—“It couldn’t have been my fault.”</p>
<p>And if that were true, many other related things had to be true also.</p>
<p>It couldn’t have been her fault that she was jumpy. That she was in pain most of the time.</p>
<p>It couldn’t have been her fault that she was uniquely troubled by the D’Agostino case.</p>
<p>It couldn’t have been her fault that her one attempt to insert a tampon into her body had ended in Olivia guiding her through breathing as she gingerly helped her remove the plastic applicator.</p>
<p>It couldn’t have been her fault that she wasn’t quite ready to have sex.</p>
<p>But God, how she wanted to be.</p>
<p>Alex and Olivia were no longer seeing Kimani every week. They went together once a month, and each of them went once a month alone. That was the deal, though Olivia had missed most of her solo appointments thus far due to “work conflicts.” Cabot knew her partner was trying her best to be vulnerable, but just like the attorney’s healing, the older woman’s would also last a lifetime. So, she didn’t push hard, and whenever the brunette did go to her therapy appointments, she left having had made strides. Her pace just needed to be slower in order to avoid burnout.</p>
<p>Alex used most of her solo appointments with Kimani to discuss her progress with relaxing and stretching her vaginal muscles, which was for the most part going fairly well. She’d mastered using each finger—even her thumb—and she was sometimes comfortable maintaining the penetration for a full fifteen minutes, though any movement usually caused her pain, so she had to be incredibly careful.</p>
<p>"As you work up to more fingers," Kimani had said to her during a recent session, "it's going to be important that you set yourself up for success. One of the ways you can do that, in addition to taking your time, being gentle with yourself, and setting an alarm, is becoming aroused before you try to insert anything inside of you. This will," she'd continued, "help with relaxation of the vaginal muscles, as well as with lubrication."</p>
<p>She’d at one point suggested involving Olivia, not to be an active part of the process, but to serve as “an aid to lubrication and arousal,” the therapist had explained.  And as much as Alex loved any excuse to cozy up to her partner in bed and make out a little, she did feel that would be taking advantage of her, even if she consented—which Cabot feared she would do, faking enthusiasm—because the older woman would likely end up standing outside the bathroom anxiously for the full fifteen minutes waiting for the sound of crying to come through the door, which—though rare—had happened once or twice.</p>
<p>So in the interest of protecting Olivia, the ADA had decided to continue going it solo, at least for a little while longer.</p>
<p>She was sitting on the couch reading when the older woman returned from a session with Kimani. Alex laid her head back on the arm of the couch for an upside-down kiss, and then Liv sat down on the couch next to her, lifting her legs onto her lap.</p>
<p>“How was it?” the blonde asked as the detective took her purse off her shoulder and rested it next to her.</p>
<p>“Good.” Olivia smiled, still out of breath from the trek up the stairs. “You up to doing some homework?”</p>
<p>The lawyer nodded. Her girlfriend hadn’t brought home any work for the two of them to do together yet, so she wondered what it could be. “Yeah, sure.”</p>
<p>“Well, let me tell you what it is first before you agree.” Benson laughed quietly, reaching into her purse and pulling out a small rolled up poster board, as well as what looked to be flashcards. As they increased their level of physical intimacy—they’d bathed together many times since D’Agostino’s acquittal, and they had established a routine of Olivia lovingly and protectively cupping her center for a few minutes while the women spoke softly to one another—Liv had begun discussing with Kimani ways to establish clear boundaries, something they could refer to and update that wasn’t just in their heads. Olivia’s boundaries had mostly to do with being deeply aware of Alex’s, so she figured they could kill two birds with one stone by completing this exercise she and the therapist had planned together.</p>
<p>The brunette flattened the poster board and laid it out on the table in front of them, before pulling it towards the couch and reaching into her purse for some stick glue. There were three columns drawn onto the board with what looked to be sharpie marker, labelled “green”, “yellow”, and “red” respectively. “Our homework is an art project?” Alex asked incredulously. “Baby, I’m an attorney, not an artist, and I must admit, I’m not particularly skilled with Elmer’s Glue.”</p>
<p>The older woman chuckled again. “I’ll do the gluing then,” she offered, nudging the woman next to her with her elbow. “Okay, so—” She took a deep breath, starting to display the flash cards in front of them. Cabot’s eyes perused the writing she saw— “Oral sex—giving”, “Penetration—digital—receiving”, “Clitoral massage—digital—receiving”, amongst several others, and she intuitively knew what the different colors meant.</p>
<p>Alex loved lists and categories, and the cop knew that, which is why she thought this would be a good idea, but when Olivia’s eyes met the blonde’s in order to continue speaking, tears were building up in her waterline. The older woman immediately shifted her attention from the work in front of her and turned fully to face the prosecutor, placing both hands on each of her knees. “Oh, sweetheart, we don’t have to do this. We don’t have to— Baby, it’s okay. I just thought…”</p>
<p>She stopped speaking when Alex began shaking her head, rubbing at her eyes. “No, honey, I’m not…I’m not upset. I’m just. I’m just really moved by this. That you would…go through this much trouble.”</p>
<p>Olivia’s voice grew soft, reverent. “Of course.” She helped the woman she loved wipe away the rest of her tears. “I didn’t mean to spring this on you, though, so if it’s overwhelming—”</p>
<p>“It’s just putting these different actions in categories, like a traffic light, right?” Alex squeezed Liv’s bicep, seeking to slow her racing thoughts.</p>
<p>The detective bobbed her head up and down. “I thought it would be a good idea to do together, as a way to facilitate this conversation. Kimani and I came up with it today, and I was just kind of excited about it. I don’t want you to feel—”</p>
<p>“—I don’t feel pressured.”</p>
<p>“And it doesn’t mean—”</p>
<p>“—It doesn’t mean we have to try any of this any time soon, I know.” Alex gave her girlfriend a comforting smile. She knew the script. She’d internalized it, just like the one she’d previously operated off of, the one that discouraged any kind of emotion, any kind of connection, and definitely any kind of love. This new script encouraged patience, self and mutual respect, as well as open, honest communication. “I’d like to have this conversation if you still want to,” the ADA said to the brunette, leaning into her for a moment, “that way when we decide we’re ready, we already have a roadmap—or a traffic light. I just got emotional because I love you,” Cabot promised, receiving a hum of empathy from Olivia. “And I’m grateful to be able to do this with you.”</p>
<p>“Me too.” She leaned in to press her lips against Alex’s, and the women took a few seconds to bask in the gratitude, and then the attorney gestured for Olivia to continue explaining the process she’d co-created. “So, I think it’s pretty simple, but tell me if it sounds confusing. So, the idea is we take these flash cards and place them in a column based on how comfortable you are with the idea of doing what’s on the card. Green means comfortable, so you’d do it now or fairly soon, yellow means sort of in the middle, so one day, and red means a really long time or never. It’s all hypothetical and subject to change though. We tried to be exhaustive with these, but if you think of anything you want to add, I have extra cards, and if there’s any you don’t want to talk about, we can just put them aside for now.” She bit her lip. “What do you think?"</p>
<p>“I like it.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“It’s very me,” Alex commented.</p>
<p>Olivia laughed. “Yeah, I thought so. Where do you want to start?”</p>
<p>“Um,” she thought aloud, “let’s do greens first, and go from there.”</p>
<p>“Sounds good,” Liv said softly, uncapping the glue stick. She had a few suspicions about what would go in each column, but ultimately, she wanted to clear her mind and be guided through the exercise by the woman she loved. “And we don’t have to do it all right now. Just let me know if you need a break.”</p>
<p>“Mhm,” she agreed, somewhat absentmindedly, as she was already scanning the cards in search of the first one she wanted to place under the word “green.”</p>
<p>Olivia misunderstood her hesitation. “Sweetheart, if nothing is green yet, then that’s okay.”</p>
<p>“No, I have greens, I mean, usually I do. We’ve even done some of these things. I just keep seeing reds.”</p>
<p>“Do you want to back up and start with the reds, love?” Benson asked gently, tucking a few pieces of hair behind Alex’s shoulder. “Just to get it out of the way, and then maybe the greens will become clearer to you?”</p>
<p>She nodded. “Um.” She took a deep breath. “All of the receiving penetration ones.” She watched as Liv picked up three cards and placed some glue on the back of each. “Actually, do you think we can put the digital one in between yellow and red?”</p>
<p>“You mean like orange?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I guess.” She chuckled sheepishly, inhaling through the slight embarrassment. “I told you I wasn’t an artist. Are we going to display this somewhere?” she questioned after a moment.</p>
<p>“No!” the brunette assured her immediately. “Unless you want to,” she added in response to the unreadable look on Alex’s face.</p>
<p>“No, I don’t want to!” a red-faced Alex asserted with a good-natured shove to her girlfriend’s arm. They laughed together for a bit, and then Olivia finished pasting the three flash cards onto the poster board. “Okay,” the younger woman sighed. “I’d also like to add penetrative sex with a strap-on—giving to the red column, as well as any kind of bondage or power play.” She worried her lower lip for a moment, realizing this wasn’t anything they’d discussed. “I hope that’s okay.”</p>
<p>The cop wrapped an arm around her, pressing her lips against her temporal pulse and letting them linger, kissing in time with the beat under Alex’s skin. “Of course it’s okay. This is all okay. Wherever you are is okay, baby.” Alex already knew this was true, but the conversation was poking at some not-quite-closed-wounds. “Is there anything else you want to put in red?”</p>
<p>“Not right now.”</p>
<p>Liv took her time gluing several flash cards to the “red” column. She’d purposefully given yellow and red more space than green because she and Kimani had made the educated guess that there would be more cards populating those categories than green. “It kind of looks pretty,” she said to the woman she loved, succeeding in lightening the mood. “Maybe we <em>should</em> display it.”</p>
<p>“Moving on,” Alex expertly segued, unwilling to even entertain her girlfriend’s joke, but she still felt butterflies moving about her abdomen at Olivia’s goofy grin. She identified a few cards that needed to go in the yellow column, before examining each of the remaining activities in front of her. “The rest of the giving is is green,” she announced after a few seconds of considering her options. “And the rest of the receiving—” She cut herself off, catching Olivia studying her intently out of the corner of her eye. “Well, except—Hmm,” she pondered. “Does green and yellow mixed together make a color?”</p>
<p>“Light green,” Olivia supplied with a chuckle.</p>
<p>“Works for me,” Alex decided. “Receiving oral sex is light green.”</p>
<p>“Hey, we got all of them,” the older woman commended, patting her on the thigh after she glued one of the last six cards to the board. Cabot smiled, proud of herself, rubbing her girlfriend’s back as she finished their project. “What do you think about this arrangement? Looks right?”</p>
<p>She nodded, a little dazed. Though there were admittedly lots of cards in the yellow and red columns, she was pleasantly shocked to realize the greatest number of them were under the word “green.” “What about you? How do you feel about it?”</p>
<p>“Well, first of all,” Olivia emphasized each word, wrapping both arms around her partner, “I am astounded by how far you’ve come. I mean,” she continued gushing, “look at this. I know it’s just hypothetical,” she disclaimed, “and once we try a yellow, it could become a red, and that’s fine, but—” She shook her head in amazement. “The fact that you were even able to sit with me and do this. A year ago, all you felt comfortable talking to me about was a coffee cup. And now…you just said the words ‘receiving oral sex is light green’.”</p>
<p>Alex cracked up immediately, covering her face with her hands. “How long did you and Kimani spend on this rainbow of sex?”</p>
<p>“Most of our session, but in the interest of full disclosure, I just suggested this—Kimani fleshed it out. And for the record, it’s not ‘Rainbow of Sex’. It’s ‘Green, Yellow, Red.’”</p>
<p>“Speaking of our progress in communication,” Alex heaved through laughter as Olivia began tickling her ribs, a thought striking her, “can I change the subject?”</p>
<p>Abruptly, the detective stopped her careful torment. “Sure. What’s up?”</p>
<p>“I, um,” she started, clearing her throat. “I would like to ask you for something.” Why did she sound so formal? It was Olivia! It was just Olivia. The ADA took a deep breath, affording herself patience, knowing expressing what she wanted would be a skill she’d have to work on for the foreseeable future. “I mean, I have an idea about…something.”</p>
<p>Liv interlaced their fingers, smiling softly at the way her girlfriend was allowing herself to be vulnerable even in the face of obvious anxiety. “You know I want to hear all of your ideas,” she murmured.</p>
<p>The younger woman nodded, hyping herself up with a small bob of her head. "This is ridiculous,” Alex prefaced with a gentle laugh, “so don't say yes just to make me happy."</p>
<p>Though somewhat confused, the detective could tell this was a lighthearted ask, so she wasn’t worried at all, but her brow furrowed just slightly as she chuckled out, "Okay?"</p>
<p>Cabot bit her lip, squeezing her partner’s hand and averting her gaze, blushing. "I've always wanted a cat." Her eyes darted back upwards, meeting Liv’s amused orbs. The older woman was laughing now.</p>
<p>“Al, you don’t need to be nervous about telling me that,” the brunette told her lightly. “The worst I could do is say that I don’t want a cat, baby,” she explained, a little more serious. “But that isn’t the case. This is a great idea."</p>
<p>"Yeah?" Alex’s eyes widened, and she leaned her forehead against Olivia’s shoulder, wanting to hide her embarrassment.</p>
<p>"Yeah!” The cop wrapped her arms once more around her partner. “It would be a great anniversary present to give to each other."</p>
<p>Less than twenty-four hours later, the women were at an animal shelter, looking at a whole bunch of hopeful cats and kittens. Like Alex had her entire life, they longed for safety, for love, for companionship.</p>
<p>"This little girl is a rescue,” one of the employees said to the prosecutor when she noticed Cabot was staring at a particularly puny kitten, who was curled up in the back of her kennel. “She's four months old, spayed, and she was taken from an irresponsible breeder, where we know she was neglected and likely abused."</p>
<p>It took a moment for Alex to avert her gaze from the bright green eyes that were cautiously locked on hers. "What's her name?"</p>
<p>The shelter employee checked the label on the top right of the kennel. "Sandra."</p>
<p>Alex practically lept for joy at this information, turning to her partner with glee. "Ooh! Come on, Liv, she's meant to be ours!"</p>
<p>Benson was enjoying this playful, almost childlike behavior from Alex. She was starting to genuinely enjoy life, and it was something to behold. The detective raised her eyebrows incredulously, but she kept a small smile on her lips. "You think a cat is meant to be ours just because she has the same name as the first female justice on the Supreme Court?"</p>
<p>Like a petulant child, the lawyer placed her hands on her hips, scoffing jokingly with a smirk. "You don't?"</p>
<p>"Yeah,” Olivia relented, her smile widening, “you have a point."</p>
<p>She always did.</p>
<p>A few days later, Olivia left the bedroom to find Alex sitting with Sandra in the corner of the living room. The kitten had warmed up slightly to the older woman, but was generally more comfortable with Alex. She was lighter on her feet, and her voice was softer—the blonde had begun using the Olivia Benson voice on the small cat, something the detective had yet to do. Sandra was willing to get incredibly close to the younger of the two, but she still wasn’t sure about being touched. She wasn’t feral, just afraid, but Alex had decided to be in it for the long haul, to make the tiny feline her project.</p>
<p>"Oh, you lucked out, little kitty. It's a great day to be Sandra Day,” she sing-songed, as she had been doing since that first car ride home. She reached out carefully to scratch the cat's ears, but she flinched away from her, cowering in the corner. "Are you scared, little one? I was scared when I first came to live here too. But there's so much love here, and you'll learn, you'll learn that you don't have to be afraid of it."</p>
<p>Benson would have stared at the duo for hours if she had the time. Alex’s gentleness, her patience, and her care were astounding to bear witness too. Through her own brokenness, she’d developed an extraordinary ability to facilitate the mending of others. Though the kitten hadn’t acquiesced to Alex’s desire to pet her, she did unravel herself from the ball she’d placed herself into, and she sniffed the ADA’s hand.</p>
<p>Alex heard her partner shift her weight behind her and looked up, finding unfettered emotion in her eyes. "What is it?"</p>
<p>"Nothing, it's just...watching you with the cat...it makes me fall in love with you all over again."</p>
<p>Cabot smiled mischievously, carefully standing up so as not to spook the baby. "Yeah?"</p>
<p>"Yeah.” Liv rested her hand on Alex’s waist, bringing their foreheads together. “Also, it makes me incredibly jealous."</p>
<p>The attorney chuckled, taking a moment to watch Sandra walk towards the couch, hopping onto it and lying down, content. They had some time. "Come here. I'll give you some love too." Alex brought her hand to the back of Olivia’s skull and then crashed her lips to the cop’s, sighing happily and pulling her even closer so that their bodies were touching at every possible point. “Olivia,” she panted once she’d pulled away. “I…I want….”</p>
<p>Though she was incapable of even a shred of eloquence in that moment, Benson nodded against her forehead, understanding gracing her features. “I know, baby.” She wanted it too, but so much had been leading up to this. There was a pregnant pause as each woman stared into the other’s eyes, pupils dilated and eyelids watering with need, with desire, with love.</p>
<p>“I’m okay, sweetie,” Alex promised her, knowing all she could do was promise that she felt comfortable for the moment. Her emotional state had the propensity to change quickly, so she couldn’t swear this would be a “successful” attempt, but what she knew would never change was the adoration they had for one another and their dedication to growing together. “I’m feeling very, very green,” she added, making both of them laugh for a moment.</p>
<p>“I know,” Liv whispered, her fingertips dancing across pale—but flushed—features. “I’m…I’m okay too,” she confirmed for the woman she loved, who despite her obvious arousal, was looking at her with unfathomable concern.</p>
<p>In addition to the love and respect they had for one another, one more thing would never, ever change, and both Alex and Olivia would make it so.</p>
<p>Alex was safe.</p>
<p>Olivia was safe.</p>
<p>Together, in each other’s arms, they were safe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading! The next chapter is a BIG one.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Chapter 39</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here is Chapter 39, the one we’ve all been waiting for. Explicit sexual content and associated triggers, including brief mentions of perpetrators of previous sexual abuse. I apologize for how long it took for me to write and post this, but I wanted to get it right.</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p>
<p>Chapter 39</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alex tipped her head to the side, wanting to make sure her request was explicit. “Can we try again?” she asked softly, stepping closer to the woman she loved and squeezing her hip gently.</p>
<p>The detective smiled, offering a small nod. “Do you think Justice O’Connor will be okay out here for a little bit?”</p>
<p>“I think so.” The blonde chuckled, turning to the sleeping feline on the couch as Liv quickly pecked the side of her head. “She’s a strong, independent woman.” Alex turned back to Olivia, and the older woman’s eyes were brimming with tears.</p>
<p>“You sure about this, love?”</p>
<p>Cabot bit her lip, resting her forehead against the brunette’s. “Yeah.”</p>
<p>The realization was overwhelming. Choices had been such a problematic concept for Alex’s entire life, and once she’d been given permission to make them, she didn’t think she’d ever get the hang of it. There had to be a right and wrong answer, right? But in this moment, as the ADA let vulnerability and intimacy wash over her, as she surrendered to what she <em>wanted</em>, this decision was impossibly easy.</p>
<p>Liv had to remind herself to breathe as her eyes bore into the pools of blue that looked at her with such adoration and trust. If Alex could trust her with something as significant, as vulnerable, and as dangerous—which her previous experiences would suggest—as this, then certainly the detective could trust herself with it. Alex was safe in Olivia’s hands, and as such, so was Olivia in Alex’s. The brunette cradled the other woman’s face in her hands and their foreheads met, silence coming over them for a few seconds as both absorbed the emotion of the moment. “I love you,” Benson breathed, her voice shaking.</p>
<p>The attorney bit her lip at the sight of tears in her partner’s eyes, waves of gratitude and love coursing through her body. “More than anything,” the younger woman whispered, smoothing over Olivia’s hair. “Can we go to our room?”</p>
<p>It still made the cop’s heart skip a beat to hear Alex refer to it as <em>their</em> room, something that was equal part hers. She hummed, bringing her lips to the tip of the prosecutor’s nose, making her giggle, content.</p>
<p>They hadn’t even kissed yet, but still, as Liv led Alex towards their bed, the charge of electricity between them continued to grow. And though the blonde tended to question it when she felt this way, today there was no need for that. She hadn’t ever felt desire like this, and the slight discomfort of it now only served to excite her further, giving ammunition to the butterflies in her stomach as they swirled around her body and brought attention to the live nerve endings on her skin—every touch lit her on fire.</p>
<p>She sighed as Olivia’s fingers ghosted over the exposed skin right above her hip before playing delicately with the fabric, eyeing her for approval to take it off. Cabot nodded quickly, her own fingers landing over the hem of the brunette’s T-shirt immediately after her own had been removed. Wordlessly, they continued to ask for and receive consent to rid each other of clothing until neither woman wore anything but underwear—Alex gently snapped the elastic waistband of the other woman’s cotton briefs against her skin, and Olivia’s fingertips danced over the satin panties the lawyer wore, two sets of hands coming to rest on two pairs of hips as they laughed easily together.</p>
<p>They stepped towards each other, words still not needed after months of learning to communicate nonverbally. Both women knew they would talk more before things were taken too much further, but for the time being, Olivia felt safe listening to Alex’s eyes as they explicitly asked for more contact, more connection.</p>
<p>Finally, they kissed, and the older woman was nearly shocked by the hunger in her girlfriend’s movements—the way her fingers gripped onto her face, the way she pressed their bodies together, the way their mouths moved against one another, passionate, yet tender. Alex pulled away after a few seconds, noticing stiffness in her love’s form. “You okay?”</p>
<p>Olivia nodded. “Yeah, you’re just….” She paused waiting for her mind to clear somewhat. “I’m just really happy, and you’re—” She gave a short hum, Alex watching her curiously. “It’s intense, but in a good way,” she summarized.</p>
<p>The lawyer bobbed her head up and down. “As long as you’re okay.”</p>
<p>“I’m great.” The detective cleared her throat, one of her hands migrating down the side of Alex’s neck, over her shoulder, and around to her back. She smiled as the woman in her arms closed her eyes gently. “Are you good?” She waited a moment. “Al?” she asked when Cabot didn’t respond. “You still feeling okay, baby?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah, I’m great. Intense, but in a good way,” she repeated her love’s earlier assessment. “Bed?” she offered, a sly smile returning to her features, her fingertips tickling the brunette’s side.</p>
<p>With a quiet laugh, Liv nodded, sitting down on top of the comforter and beckoning her girlfriend closer. Quickly, Alex straddled her lap, eagerly reattaching her lips to Olivia’s waiting ones, giving her rapid-fire kisses as she carefully pushed her fully onto the bed.</p>
<p>They kissed languidly for several minutes, hands wandering slowly over heated skin, both women simultaneously calming and burning with desire. Alex wanted so badly to rip off Liv’s underwear and have her way with her, but she knew that what the brunette wanted was to take care of her, to love her in a way no one else had. And when she took the time to really search herself, Alex knew she wanted that too, as scary and as vulnerable as it sounded. Still, she had to consciously slow her frenzy as her body ached to frantically push against Olivia’s, a low churning starting in her stomach as the pressure between her legs grew to be almost unbearable.</p>
<p>Benson could sense the other woman’s hurry, and so she pulled back after a little while, brushing the blonde’s messy hair away from her face and providing a soft hum of comfort. “It’s okay to take this slow,” she whispered, sliding out from under her partner. “I’m going to take care of you, but I don’t want you to get too overwhelmed too fast.”</p>
<p>The ADA nodded, scooting forward a few inches so that their bare torsos met. “I just really want you,” she admitted with a slight blush.</p>
<p>“I know,” Benson acknowledged with a gasp, the corners of her lips quirking upwards as she cradled the other woman’s face in her hand. “I do too.” Her hand migrated to Alex’s side and slid down her waist, her fingernails eventually scratching at the younger of the two’s hip.</p>
<p>“It’s all just a lot,” Cabot summarized.</p>
<p>Olivia buried her face into Alex’s neck, letting her lips linger against an accelerated pulse. "I feel some tension in your body, love. Do you think you can take a few slow, deep breaths?" The older woman waited as she felt Alex breathe, her heart slowing just slightly. She could tell that the major cause of the rapid beat beneath her lips was scorching hot arousal, and she knew this by the instinctual movement of the attorney’s hips against her own, but it was going to be safest if Alex could remain somewhat rational, knowing her physical and emotional needs would be met. "There you go."</p>
<p>The prosecutor realized she was basically humping Olivia’s leg as her breathing slowed, and embarrassment washed over her. She wanted to be in control of her own actions. "I'm sorry." She knew the feelings rioting through her were normal, and she could see in Liv’s darkening chocolate orbs that she felt similarly. Maybe the cop’s experience allowed her to remain more calm in the face of such intense sensation and want, but regardless, she knew the response her apology would garner.</p>
<p>"Shhh,” the brunette cooed, holding her closer. “I'm so proud of you, sweetie. You’re okay. Do you want to stop?"</p>
<p>There was nothing the lawyer wanted less. "No."</p>
<p>“If you change your mind—”</p>
<p>Alex interrupted her, placing a hand on the older woman’s cheek. “Baby, you need to take some deep breaths too,” she said softly. “I <em>am</em> a little nervous, but it isn’t going to go away. I’m okay with that. And you don’t deserve to drive yourself crazy over it.” Liv inhaled deeply, resting her fingers over Cabot’s before intertwining them and bringing both hands to rest in between the two women. “My nervousness has to do with me—with what I feel, how I’m acting. Reacting rather than responding, you know?” Benson pecked her lips in response, reminding her that she wasn’t alone in her feelings. “You calm those nerves, Olivia. You’re home. You’re safety,” she insisted. “And I want this. But if I do change my mind—for whatever reason—I promise I won’t let us keep going. Neither of us deserve that.”</p>
<p>She paused for several seconds, waiting for her partner to nod with a gentle smile, squeezing her hand. “Are you going to be able to enjoy this? Because if not, then we’re not ready, and that’s okay.”</p>
<p>Olivia bobbed her head up and down, tangling her fingers in the bird’s nest that had formed in Alex’s flaxen mane. “I can do that. We’ll figure out the balance eventually,” she promised the person she loved most in the entire world, referring to the balance between wanton lust and impossible care.</p>
<p>Both sufficiently assured that the other woman felt comfortable proceeding, it didn’t take long for two sets of underwear to be removed and discarded onto the floor. Alex sighed as she molded her body to Olivia’s, the brunette’s hands taking intentional paths over her arms, sides, back, and hips. She was creating a roadmap for love, for pleasure, for safety, and the ADA was happy to be along for the ride. The blonde, for her part, was enjoying the feel of soft olive skin beneath her sensitive fingertips, along with the gentle sighs and audible gasps each touch pulled from Olivia.</p>
<p>They were quiet again for some time, the friction of skin against skin and the occasional moan of pleasure the only sounds remaining between them.</p>
<p>Olivia reminded herself that she could let go, that she could give herself permission to savor the sight of the protruding veins in the column of Alex’s throat as she threw her head back in response to the insistent ministrations of her lips and tongue against her collarbone. She reminded herself that she was allowed to commit to memory the airy laughter that escaped Alex’s lips with each careful line she scratched into the skin over her ribs. She took her time staring into wide blue eyes, brimming with tears, becoming clouded with desire, and she was absolutely positive her own body was changing accordingly. Liv smiled at the familiar slickness of her inner thighs as they moved against one another, searching for friction. She smiled at the blush forming on her—now—lover’s cheeks, ears, and perfect breasts. She eagerly obeyed Alex’s wordless command when the younger woman guided her lips to a beautiful rosy nipple, two deafening groans splitting the air around them at the contact.</p>
<p>“Liv,” the blonde croaked eventually, shifting her legs on the bed as the fire that started in her clit and scorched every inch of her raged on. “Please.” The word came out in a breathless whisper, and she whimpered when Olivia released the bud between her lips. “I need….” She started, a low whine the only conclusion she was capable of. She felt the detective’s fingers dance across her hip and land on the uppermost portion of her thigh. She nodded. This is how they communicated in the bathtub. This is how Alex knew Liv wanted to cradle the most vulnerable area of her body, the most wounded part of her—other than her heart. Usually a shallow nod was all the enthusiasm the brunette needed, but today was different. This wasn’t solely about comfort, about protection. Though those qualities were there and always would be, as the two women maintained prolonged eye contact, both of them realized this moment was so much more.</p>
<p>She nodded again, exaggerating her need by meeting Liv’s fingers with her own. They hovered over the cop’s, millimeters away, and Benson could no doubt feel the static between both sets of digits. There was passion between them—and the type of sexual energy both the detective and the ADA had denied themselves throughout the duration of their relationship—Olivia because she dreaded the thought of possibly scaring her partner and Alex because…Because if she were being honest with herself, she wasn’t entirely sure how to let the energy in. She’d forced herself to keep it out since she was a child, for a whole slew of reasons, and now—the dam was breaking with such force, she anticipated the sob that would escape her the very moment the woman she loved grazed sensitive, waiting flesh.</p>
<p>And it was every bit as earthshattering as she’d expected, a barely existing touch sending Alex into cataclysmic emotion. Physically, it felt good, and she’d become used to the sensation of careful fingers lying impossibly still over her warmth, but she was experiencing a different kind of intimacy now—it was everything Liv had given her so far and so much more. She knew tears were running down her face uncontrollably, and she tried to pull herself together when Olivia’s brow furrowed in concern. “I’m okay,” she panted, lying her hand over her partner’s. Everything she’d worked for had come to this moment, and though they had just started, a sense of peace came over the younger woman.</p>
<p>Her arousal dissipated for several pregnant seconds, and Olivia’s did too, as waves of warmth washed over them both, the women remaining impossibly still, naked, connected, and suspended in time.</p>
<p>“Alex,” the brunette breathed after a full minute, still processing the intensity of the prosecutor’s emotional release. Because that’s what it had been. The reaction had been entirely emotional in nature, as the physical need with which Cabot was contending was completely eclipsed by the poignance of being touched so tenderly. “Take all the time you need, my love,” she said, gathering her own bearings.</p>
<p>It was her eyes that did it.</p>
<p>Olivia had seen the woman cry before, had seen her sob with an agony that she’d never be able to fully comprehend. But this—this was something else entirely.</p>
<p>The brunette had heard people talk about being able to see someone’s soul through their eyes before, and she’d always considered it poetic hyperbole, but Alex’s eyes—in the moment their bodies touched so intimately for both the purpose of connection and the purpose of sexual gratification—said everything that the attorney was thinking, and the intensity surpassed human understanding.</p>
<p>“I want you—” was the first thing Alex could bring herself to say. “—I want you to move your fingers, when you’re ready,” she added, opening her eyes to see that Olivia’s were still shedding tears.</p>
<p>There was no need to question why the older woman was crying—they were crying for the same reason.</p>
<p>Olivia nodded her head, inhaling deeply in preparation for what she knew she’d feel against her fingertips. She could tell the blonde was well-lubricated, which was comforting to her—not because she believed the presence of wetness necessarily indicated arousal, but because she knew that Alex was sensitive and her touch wouldn’t be as abrasive with the right amount of lubrication.</p>
<p>Alex’s warmth made her fingers twitch in anticipation, in want. But first she waited for one last nod, a confident smile melting the brunette’s heart. She purposefully avoided her clit, wanting to be sure she was adequately worked up before risking direct stimulation. Her fingers migrated downward, delicately rubbing the space between the head of her clit and her opening.</p>
<p>Both women realized her fingers were massaging Alex’s scar tissue at the same time. Though the touch against needy skin felt like heaven, the prosecutor wanted to know—had to know—what Olivia thought of it. "Do I feel weird?"</p>
<p>Benson paused her movements, going back to carefully cupping her hand over the blonde’s mound. She’d noticed the difference in texture, sure, but Alex didn’t feel weird. She felt like Alex. "You feel incredible, sweetheart,” she murmured into a sweaty brow. “Just breathe, Al. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want to.” The younger woman took a cleansing breath, nodding to indicate her blessing for Liv to continue, and she did, letting the backs of her fingers move in short lines over dampening flesh. “You're so beautiful."</p>
<p>"You're so gentle." Alex wished she could claim she’d been expecting this. That she’d predicted Olivia would gingerly move her fingers—body parts that had been used as weapons against her in the past—back and forth over a smoldering path of growing intensity in a way that said both “I love you” and “I want you.” Her spoken observation was spontaneous, unplanned, and she regretted the surprise in her voice. It wasn’t as if she thought Liv would be outright violent, rough, callous with her, but she still couldn’t believe that touch against her simultaneously tense and wanting body could feel so indescribably safe. Olivia’s gentleness was absolutely in character, but Alex’s feeling of security was so far away from what she was used to.</p>
<p>"I love you,” the older woman explained her tenderness, her pointer finger alternatively tracing along the length of each of the lawyer’s labia. Slow, careful movements, as she took in the feeling of the woman she loved. “And unless you explicitly ask otherwise, I will always touch you like this. Always gentle. Always loving.”</p>
<p>As she moved her fingertips over exposed, sensitive skin, Olivia carefully swiped over the underside of Alex’s clit, gauging her reaction. She inhaled quickly, her fingers wrapping around her partner’s bicep. “That felt good,” she told her breathlessly.</p>
<p>“I’m glad.” Benson wanted to further address Alex’s nervousness around the texture of her scarring before she continued on though. “This feels amazing for me too, I promise. But we can stop if you're uncomfortable."</p>
<p>"I'm not,” Alex swore, fearful that Liv would stop. “I was just...a little self-conscious." She’d always felt ugly, that her body wasn’t as soft as it should have been because of what Pastor Paul did to her. She blamed herself for her own mutilation, as if the child’s skin should have more successfully withstood the violence being committed against her. As her anger transitioned towards the true perpetrator of the injuries she sustained, her self-hatred was ebbing away, but still—she had trouble comprehending that anyone would want to touch her there. Wasn’t it a reminder to Olivia of what had happened to her?</p>
<p>The brunette nodded her head at Alex’s words, her fingers once again stilling in order to rest protectively over the skin that her girlfriend was criticizing in her mind. She thought for a few moments, studying Cabot’s face. Olivia had been thoroughly enjoying getting to know her partner’s body, but she needed Alex to be able to enjoy it too. Had the brunette registered that her fingers were grazing the physical remnants of the worst thing that had ever happened the woman she loved? Of course. But she felt no disgust, no revulsion. Nothing but the intense need to help the ADA feel deserving of the love she was entitled to in their relationship. "I'm going to ask your permission to do something, okay?  But if you don't want me to do it, please say no."</p>
<p>Alex was unsure about what Liv was about to propose, but if the last few minutes had done anything for her—in addition to adding to the ache that resonated between her legs—it had provided an indisputable amount of proof that Olivia wanted nothing but the best for her. "Okay."</p>
<p>"I want to kiss your scars.” She waited for the other woman to process and then she continued, her voice soft, her fingertips still against hot skin. “I want to give your body the love and the gentleness it deserves."</p>
<p>The lawyer reminded herself to breathe as the brunette leaned her forehead against hers, waiting for a response. "You want to go down on me?"</p>
<p>"Not necessarily,” the detective said, reminding Alex they’d take it one step at a time, “It would just be closed mouth, chaste kisses—unless you want more. What do you think?"</p>
<p>"I mean, you actually want to kiss me...there?"</p>
<p>"Of course,” the older woman breathed, bumping her nose affectionately against Alex’s and letting her thumb move soothingly over the length of the prosecutor’s glistening folds. “You're beautiful, and I love you." Though she hadn’t yet had the chance to look at what she knew would be red, swollen flesh, Alex <em>felt</em> beautiful. She felt right, like home, like everything Olivia had imagined her to be. And she just wanted the woman she loved to see herself in the same light.</p>
<p>Absolute perfection.</p>
<p>Alex offered a shy smile and a thoughtful nod, running her fingers through Liv’s growing mane. “Yeah. I think yeah.”</p>
<p>The cop brushed her lips against the younger woman’s, letting them linger against hers in a way that spoke volumes—Alex presumed the brunette saw this as a scar too—before beginning a slow descent down her body. She kissed the skin over Alex’s heart first, invisible scarring that was just as deserving of attention as any other part of her. Her lips blazed a trail down her abdomen, and she smiled to herself as Cabot once again began reacting favorably to the stimulation she was providing.</p>
<p>Olivia kissed the sweaty skin just above a small blonde patch of curls, and then, making eye contact with the woman who’s chest was now heaving, she pressed her lips to the back of her own hand—hard—adding pressure to the touch against her core. She pulled her hand away, running it down Alex’s left inner thigh, humming slightly as she settled between Alex’s legs. "Hmm. Does this feel good?"</p>
<p>"Yeah,” Alex panted, feeling her hips rise of the bed, searching for the fingers that were no longer nestled in her warmth.</p>
<p>"Good." Liv let her lips linger against the inside of the younger woman’s knee for a few seconds.  "Focus on breathing again. It's gonna be most comfortable if you can lay your legs all the way down on the bed. I don't want your inner thighs or your hips to hurt later.” She watched as the ADA relaxed her legs to the side, and she got her first up-close look at the wonder that was Alex’s sex. God, she was beautiful, and she was putting so much trust in Olivia. It was almost enough to make real tears fall down her face—again. “There you go. Perfect. I just want to check in. We can stop, or...."</p>
<p>"I don't want to stop." Cabot was resolute, her eyes dark but alert.</p>
<p>“Understood.” A smirk grew on Olivia’s lips. "I'll start with kissing your knee and work my way up from there. I'm going to need feedback from you though, baby, okay?"</p>
<p>"Okay,” the prosecutor sighed, reaching for the detective’s left hand and resting the intertwined sets of fingers over her belly button. “I do want you to do this, honey. But like I said, there's no way I'm not going to be at least a little nervous."</p>
<p>Olivia nuzzled her partner’s inner thigh, attaching her lips to the hot porcelain that awaited her there, allowing the fingernails of her right hand to etch careful lines into her side and ribs. She wanted to keep Alex calm, yet full of desire, and based on her experience, that particular gesture seemed to do the trick. She kissed the inside of her knee. “That’s understandable, sweetheart. Just breathe through it, and remind yourself that you're with me, and we can stop at any point."</p>
<p>"I trust you." There was no doubt in Alex’s voice, and though her heart hammered in her chest, the look in Liv’s eyes told her everything she needed to know. She was genuinely wanting to show her body affection, to show it love and tenderness, both foreign concepts to the attorney before Olivia had walked into her life. If she couldn’t trust those eyes, then she couldn’t trust anything.</p>
<p>"It's okay if you're not all the way there yet,” Benson noted, her lips slowly traveling towards the apex of her thighs, her right hand massaging circles into her hip. “It's going to take time...and more evidence. I get it. But I'm promising you, on my life and yours, that I will never continue once I know you feel uncomfortable. But I can't read your mind, so I need you to be honest with me.”</p>
<p>“I want this.”</p>
<p>The brunette’s lips ghosted over the crease separating Alex’s leg from her center, and when the younger woman squeezed her hand, she kissed more firmly, ensuring her hand was not accidently forcing her partner’s legs apart—this was yet another wounded area of Alex’s body, the victim of brutal force, something Olivia made it her mission to steer clear of, even inadvertently. It had to be Alex’s choice to keep her legs spread and relaxed. If she didn’t—or couldn’t—Liv was ready to back away and change her plan.</p>
<p>When instead of tensing and pressing her legs together, the cop felt her girlfriend breathe and further open herself up, Olivia turned her attention to the differently textured skin right above the other woman's opening, peppering featherlight kisses around the area while keeping her eyes locked with Alex's. "I love you," she whispered into sensitive flesh, pressing her lips slightly more firmly into the scarred tissue, feeling the other woman shift on the bed below her. “You deserve to feel good.” She squeezed the fingers that rested over her abdomen.  “You deserve safety.” Kiss. “And love.” Kiss. “And tenderness.”</p>
<p>Cabot used her free hand to wipe some longer strands of hair out of her partner’s face. “I deserve <em>you</em>.”</p>
<p>Liv smiled against hot skin, and then she blushed, inwardly chastising herself when she realized she hadn’t thought to ask a rather important question. "Do you have feeling here?"</p>
<p>“Mhm,” Alex hummed. “Yeah, I feel it.”</p>
<p>The brunette searched for eye contact. “Good?”</p>
<p>The lawyer nodded, squeezing Olivia’s hand. "I want you to...keep going, but not...down there."</p>
<p>Understanding gracing her features, Olivia squeezed the younger woman’s hip, crawling back up her body and taking her incredibly riled up form into her arms. “Need a break?” she asked quietly, preserving the intimate atmosphere that had settled around them.</p>
<p>Alex shook her head in the negative. “Just need you,” she heaved, still out of breath from the earlier stimulation. She felt warm—not to mention hot—and cared for, and safe enough to voice aloud the extent of her desire. “I know you want to take it slow, and I get it.” She took a few seconds to get a full breath in and out. “But I really need you to touch me.” She felt her inner muscles twitch, something that had happened from time to time in the shower. “Like, really touch me.”</p>
<p>“Okay. Okay,” Liv soothed, cradling the back of her partner’s head. “Will you show me what you like?”</p>
<p>Alex immediately reached for Benson’s hand, guiding it to rest over her heart for long enough for Olivia to feel the rapid nature of the beat, and then the blonde moved it down her body, maneuvering her fingers into caressing her breast and brushing featherlight against her ribs.</p>
<p>The next few seconds seemed to last forever as Olivia watched the woman she loved bring herself pleasure with the brunette’s hand. The moment was charged, and the older woman gave in to her own arousal, her eyes closing as a low moan left her throat. They snapped open when she felt the coarse texture of Alex’s pubic hair, and she smiled softly when the ADA paused her movements, waiting for permission to continue. “I love you,” she mouthed, offering Alex a slow nod.</p>
<p>Taking a cleansing breath, the prosecutor slid their joined hands to rest fully over her core, preparing to demonstrate for the cop the kind of touch that made her feel good before she was ready to fully relinquishing control. She knew she could do this safely, even if it were a little scary, because she knew that at the end of the day, she did still have the control. It would take one word—maybe less—for Olivia to pull away and simply hold her close for the night.</p>
<p>Their foreheads met, and an involuntary chuckle escaped Alex, levity breaking up some of the intensity of the moment. “What?” Olivia laughed.</p>
<p>“It’s just crazy to me how good this feels,” she exclaimed, “and you haven’t even done anything yet.”</p>
<p>Liv pecked her nose. “Show me.” She let her fingers go slack, allowing her partner to gently fold all but two down to meet her palm. Ever so slowly, she dipped Olivia’s fingertips shallowly into the wetness at her entrance, studying Benson’s gentle eyes as she didn’t even twitch, giving Alex all the power.</p>
<p>“I need to start slow,” she purred, her voice scratchy, lifting Olivia’s fingers to meet her clit. “And soft. Because I’m sensitive,” she explained after recovering from the involuntary gasp the touch elicited. “But,” she added shakily, moving the brunette’s fingers in careful circles, “I’m going to need speed and pressure in order to…” She stopped herself, blushing. She neither forced herself to say the word, nor chided herself for being unable to. Liv knew what she meant.</p>
<p>“If you want to let go,” Olivia offered, overcome with the desire to have her movements alone be the cause of the blonde’s parted pink lips and delicious sighs of contentment, “I’ll stay like this until you tell me you’re ready for more.”</p>
<p>Wordlessly, Alex released the detective’s hand, the intensity of what she was feeling increasing tenfold at the knowledge that it was all Liv. The white hot pleasure scorching her veins was due to Olivia’s knowing touch, due to the way she expertly responded to Alex’s reactions—the way she pushed harder when the blonde bucked into her hand and barely danced across her nerve endings when she pulled away.</p>
<p>She couldn’t help but shudder at the rhythm of it. “Oh, Liv,” she sighed breathily, gripping onto the woman she loved for dear life.</p>
<p>“Good?” the cop checked, exaggerating the endeavor of collecting more wetness from Alex’s opening, keeping their eyes locked in reassurance that she wouldn’t push all the way in.</p>
<p>All the attorney could muster was a stuttered “more”, though the meaning was clear. As the detective sped up her insistent circles, murmuring words of adoration into the younger woman’s ear, it occurred to Alex that Olivia was the perfect antithesis to everything Tammy was.</p>
<p>When Tammy said, “Jesus Christ, Alexandra, just relax,” Olivia countered with, “Take a few deep breaths, sweetheart. I promise you’re safe.”</p>
<p>When Tammy scolded, “Stop crying, you whiny baby,” Olivia cooed, “I know you’re emotional, baby. Just breathe. I’m emotional too.”</p>
<p>When Tammy pushed Alex back down onto to bed as she jumped at the feeling of an unfamiliar sensation, Olivia provided more room for the younger woman to move, made sure she wanted to continue, and pressed a kiss into her hammering temporal pulse.</p>
<p>When Tammy told her, “It only hurts because you’re squirming,” Olivia shook her head at her partner’s abuser and made it perfectly clear that “it should never hurt unless you want it to.”</p>
<p>And when Alex explained that she didn’t want it to, Olivia overpowered Tammy’s sadistic laughter with even more gentleness and a reminder that the ADA was loved. “Hey, I just want to check in, love. How do you feel?”</p>
<p>"I’m good. You feel….” She hummed, pulling the older woman closer. “God, you feel so good. I’m just…I'm taking a long time." Olivia hadn’t gotten around to battling Tammy on this issue yet.</p>
<p>The brunette slowed her movements, wanting to speak to a lucid version of Alex. "Sweetheart, it's barely been ten minutes since we really started,” Olivia observed, glancing at the clock on her bedside table. “What's the point of us having sex?"</p>
<p>"To feel good. To connect."</p>
<p>"Does it feel good? Are we connecting?"</p>
<p>"Yeah."</p>
<p>"Then that's all that matters to me,” she promised, searching Alex’s eyes for comprehension, “as long as you feel safe. What else is bothering you? I don't want to see anything but calm in those beautiful stormy blues."</p>
<p>The prosecutor felt a familiar wave of shame crash into her. "I'm fine, Liv. I'm just...frustrated. That we can't just be a normal couple."</p>
<p>"Baby, I know your experience has been different, but this is normal.”</p>
<p>"I know. I do. And this is—this has been so amazing so far.” Alex shook her head at the truth of the statement. “I just wish it wasn't so hard."</p>
<p>"I do too, sweetheart,” Olivia admitted, her previously stopped fingers lightly moving through pubic hair. “But it'll never be like you weren't abused. We can't pretend that's the end goal here. But it won't always be like this. For now, just focus on what you know is true."</p>
<p>Alex focused on the ultimate truth. "I love you."</p>
<p>"And I love you."</p>
<p>When Liv’s fingers began to move with abandon, more time passing, Alex focused on a few additional truths.</p>
<p>She was safe. That was true.</p>
<p>She felt good. That was true.</p>
<p>The enormous sensation Olivia brought to her body began to concentrate fully in her core, something she’d felt before but had never welcomed by the hand of someone else. That was true.</p>
<p>Alex wanted nothing more than to join with Liv to overwhelm her body with <em>good</em>, and she did, pushing into her partner’s fingers with a drive she had never before been capable of. That was true.</p>
<p>As her head flung back against the pillow and she gripped superhumanly hard onto the love of her life, a desperate cry flying out of her, she felt no shame. Only good.</p>
<p>That was also true.</p>
<p>She never thought the sound of her own breathing could be so comforting. She was alive. She was <em>alive.</em></p>
<p>And she was living.</p>
<p>Alex heaved for over a minute, vaguely aware of discerning fingertips massaging sodden flesh, all the while avoiding her oversensitive clit. She allowed herself to take up the time and space, her ears tuning in to her own breath.</p>
<p>Soon, she also became aware of Olivia’s tender words—statements expressing love and pride, and unfathomable happiness.</p>
<p>"Just give me a minute to recover, and then—"</p>
<p>"Hey,” Liv interrupted, carefully cupping Alex’s sex. She knew where the younger woman was going with her words, and she didn’t want her to go there. After the life she’d lived, the least Alexandra Cabot deserved was a night. “How about we get some rest? I'll let Sandra in and we can cuddle.”</p>
<p>The blonde lifted her head slightly off the pillow, feeling fatigued. "You don't want—?"</p>
<p>"I see how tired you are. This must have been exhausting for you. There's never any pressure to reciprocate,” she reminded the woman she loved, lightly scratching her scalp and removing her other hand from its place over Alex’s still occasionally clenching muscles. “It isn't only about me."</p>
<p>"I know that now.” Cabot didn’t feel obligated to return the favor, she actively wanted to. But Olivia was right. Her eyelids were heavy and her limbs felt like jello. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling—she was undoubtedly sated—but she was indeed exhausted.  “I do want to. Maybe not tonight though.”</p>
<p>When she’d returned from letting in the cat, who was waiting outside the door, offended, Liv settled under the covers, eagerly pulling Alex into her arms. "Thank you."</p>
<p>The prosecutor gave a quick chuckle. "What are you thanking me for?"</p>
<p>Olivia shook her head as if it were obvious, and to her, it was. Painfully so. Alex had given her the greatest gift. "For the most amazing moments of my entire life. For letting me help you feel good. Feel safe. Feel loved."</p>
<p>The blonde let her fingers dance over the detective’s face—her nose, her cheeks, her gently closed eyelids. "I do feel all those things."</p>
<p>And that was the most breathtaking aspect of all. "I know. I can tell.” She watched Sandra hop onto the bed and curl up in a ball at the corner. The cat was beginning to feel safe in her presence too. “You letting go and letting good in and…and trusting me like that...it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you so much for reading! I would really love to know your thoughts on this twelve page erotic novel!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Chapter 40</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here is Chapter 40. Trigger warning for a discussion around a perpetrator of sexual violence.</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p>
<p>Chapter 40</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Olivia reveled in the slow, steady breath of the woman in her arms, in the small smile that remained on her lips, in the way the blonde’s body contoured to hers as she slept. The detective had been awake for over thirty minutes at this point, but she stood impossibly still, wanting to memorize every detail of the breathtaking form she cradled against her chest.</p>
<p>The previous night had been real. And it was better than any dream.</p>
<p>Feeling Alex begin to stir, Liv hummed softly, a set of knuckles tracing over the entirety of the ADA’s spine as her lips pressed lightly against her forehead.</p>
<p>Cabot was still not used to being woken up gently. The shrill sound of her alarm had been her only companion for over a decade, and though she’d become accustomed to the reality of being pulled from sleep by Olivia’s careful ministrations, this morning, the feel of tender fingertips massaging her scalp and soft lips whispering words of love into her temple was simply the icing on the best cake ever made.</p>
<p>Unfathomable warmth bathed every inch of her in safety as her eyes fluttered open, and she buried her nose into olive skin, inhaling deeply and clearing her throat. “Morning, honey” she mumbled, still holding onto sleep and taking stock of her limbs, which were uncharacteristically relaxed, tangled up in Olivia’s.</p>
<p>“Good morning, beautiful,” the brunette sing-songed, encircling her waist with both arms. “How are you feeling, my love?”</p>
<p>There were a few moments of silence as Alex echoed her partner’s question to herself.</p>
<p>She’d had sex with Olivia.</p>
<p>It had gone well. Even that assessment felt like an understatement as the significance of the beauty she’d shared with the older woman hit her with full force, and she lifted her head to meet waiting chocolate orbs. “I feel….”</p>
<p>Benson blinked away the last remnants of her tiredness, her eyes widening at the sight of tears falling down Alex’s cheeks. Had something happened? “Oh, sweetie, are you okay?”</p>
<p>Instantly, Alex nodded her head vigorously. She wasn’t sure of much—it felt like her entire world had changed—but she was sure that she was okay. The attorney had wanted this so badly, and she was so grateful that she’d been capable of enjoying her time with Olivia the previous evening, but she had a suspicion her emotion was less about the physical thirst she’d finally quenched and more about the peace that the knowledge she could out-argue her drill sergeant brought her. “God, I don’t know why I’m crying, Liv,” she assured her, a laugh escaping her lips. “I feel amazing. So good. So happy.”</p>
<p>An understanding smile began on the cop’s face, her eyes twinkling as she reached up to cradle Alex’s cheek. “It’s okay to be emotional, Al. I’m…” She sighed shakily, rubbing the other woman’s back in comfort. “I’ve been on the verge of tears since last night.”</p>
<p>“Really?” The prosecutor’s eyes bore into Olivia’s, and she saw the same intensity, the same emotion staring back at her. They were both contending with a cataclysm of feeling as a result of what they’d accomplished together.</p>
<p>Benson hummed, tucking a loose strand of flaxen hair behind the other woman’s ear. “Yeah.”</p>
<p>Alex chewed on her bottom lip, rolling off of her partner so that they were both lying on their sides, facing one another. The blonde interlaced their fingers, bringing the set of knuckles up to brush against her lips. “It was just so—”</p>
<p>“—I know.”</p>
<p>There had been some awkwardness, sure, but that was to be expected. Both women knew they could work out the little things with time and practice. What had been so beautiful about their time together was that despite those little things—and even some big things—they had been able to connect in every way possible. Alex was able to breathe and trust that no harm would come to her in Liv’s hands, and Olivia was able to let go and trust that her tendency was to be gentle, to touch Alex with care, the farthest thing from the violence both of them feared so deeply.</p>
<p>Alex rested her forehead against the pillow, shifting on the bed she lied flat on her stomach, basking in the bliss that began in her toes and enveloped her heart. This was like nothing she’d ever felt before. Sex was supposed to be dirty, unnecessary beyond the confines of marriage, used only to create children and to keep your husband happy, a narrative that still lived in the recesses of the blonde’s mind. Olivia had provided scathing rebuttals in response to her drill sergeant’s commands before, and each of them worked wonders—“You deserve to have love.” “You deserve to feel safe.” “There’s nothing wrong with you.” “You didn’t deserve what was done to you.” The loving reminders dove deep into her soul and found the most wounded parts of her, bandaging up her injuries and laying the foundation for healing. But Alex had always known that the story that lived in her body about sex—about control, about violence, about obligation—wouldn’t be so easy to rewrite.</p>
<p>Still, at least for several moments—</p>
<p>The pleasure annihilated her parents’ teachings.</p>
<p>The gentleness obliterated Pastor Paul’s violence.</p>
<p>The love destroyed Tammy’s grooming and abuse.</p>
<p>And in the peace of those moments, which like most all things, were temporary, all three worked in combination to begin erasing the summation attorney Alex had written to explain it all. The younger woman always thought it was written in pen, but she knew now—as sure as Olivia breathed easily next to her—that she had the power to make it go away, not necessarily with time, but with work, with intention. She could win the case of Alex Cabot v. Alex Cabot, but it took the realization that she wasn’t fighting against herself after all. She was fighting against the story she’d been forced to write by those who sought to bring her harm. The true defendant in her case was her drill sergeant, and she’d finally gotten the upper hand.</p>
<p>And, as weird as it sounds, sex with Olivia had been her star witness.</p>
<p>So much had led to this moment, and this moment would lead to so many more.</p>
<p>Alex felt the love of her life move her hand to rest against the nape of her neck, squeezing lightly as she once again pulled her close, peppering kisses into her shoulder blades and upper back. The blonde knew Liv was hovering over her body by the sensation of hardened nipples grazing her skin, but instead of anxiety, a sense of being protected overwhelmed her. Olivia guarded her in a way she couldn’t eloquently describe, but she didn’t force herself to try. For once, she just accepted another peaceful moment.  </p>
<p>“I don’t think I have scars there, babe,” she pointed out light-heartedly, referring to the detective’s choice to kiss as many of Alex’s scars as the lawyer would let her the night before.</p>
<p>Olivia inhaled the scent of residual sweat, the slight saltiness of Alex’s skin invading her senses, as she hummed softly into the younger woman’s neck. Her tongue slightly protruded beyond her lips as they met porcelain skin in hot, wet kisses. “Can’t a girl just kiss the woman she loves without there being a big ’ole reason?”</p>
<p>Cabot giggled in response to the brunette’s fingernails carefully scratching at her sides, the weight of her body gently pinning her to the bed. “Are you asking for consent or just being cute?”</p>
<p>Olivia reveled in the knowledge that even drunk in the extended afterglow of their lovemaking, Alex’s ability to develop and ask astute questions had not suffered. “Well, both, actually.”</p>
<p>“Of course you can,” the ADA told her immediately, lying her cheek against the pillow and pulling the cop’s face towards hers, “which pertains to both questions. Not that you ever need to ask permission to be cute.” Alex pecked her lips. “I don’t think you could control yourself, regardless.”</p>
<p>“Come here,” Liv implored, her voice still slightly raspy from the best sleep she’d had in ages. Both women sighed when their lips met, resuming memorized choreography from the previous evening.</p>
<p>Alex eventually pulled away, rolling onto her back and noting the layer of sweat that had yet to be washed off her skin, grimacing slightly. “God, I feel sticky. Do you want to take a shower?”</p>
<p>Liv’s hand migrated onto her stomach, her fingers tickling the muscles that rippled below her touch. “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>The prosecutor couldn’t quite make out the concern she heard in the other woman’s voice, but she decided that maybe she just needed more time to process, and so she brushed it off, at least for the time being. “Yeah.”</p>
<p>Olivia nodded, reaching out a hand to stop Alex from completely getting out of the bed. “Hold on a sec, babe.” She waited for the blonde to meet her eyes again. “I just want to check in. You don’t want to shower because you feel dirty, do you?”</p>
<p>Alex’s relief at Liv’s willingness to immediately address her worry just barely eclipsed the younger woman’s embarrassment that she hadn’t seen this coming. “No. Not at all. Thank you for asking though.”</p>
<p>Benson bobbed her head up and down, inhaling deeply as she remembered the many times she’d found her partner in the shower or bathtub, desperately scrubbing at already raw skin. “Of course.”</p>
<p>The lawyer decided to be honest, wanting to match the vulnerability that Liv was offering her in the moment. “Actually, this is the first time—ever—that I’ve woken up after a sexual encounter and not felt wrong, dirty, gross, not to mention sore. I feel good right now, baby. I do.”</p>
<p>“Okay.” The brunette nodded, tangling her fingers in Alex’s unruly mane, needing to keep her close. “Good. Sorry.”</p>
<p>“You have nothing to apologize for,” Alex promised her, letting her nose bump affectionately against the brunette’s. “We both have to do what makes us feel safe.” She waited for another nod before chuckling lightly. “I do have to get up now. But the offer to shower together still stands.”</p>
<p>"Okay," Liv relented dramatically, pretending like it was a decision that had been difficult for her to make. "But only if you can commit to no funny business."</p>
<p>"Why do I have to commit to no funny business?” she questioned, her eyebrow raised. “It's Saturday,” she rationalized. “We can do funny business all day!"</p>
<p>“Oh, God,” Olivia groaned into the skin of the blonde’s collarbone, laughing. "You're gonna be insatiable, aren't you?"</p>
<p>Alex sobered, addressing the rather large elephant in the room. "Well. I have a lot to catch up on."</p>
<p>Quiet settled around them for several moments, tender lips and curious hands moving over two naked bodies in a sensual but not overtly sexual manner. "A shower does sound nice."</p>
<p>"It can just be a shower, babe. I know last night zapped us both."</p>
<p>“I’m more than happy to be zapped again,” Liv smiled, pulling the lawyer up so that she was sitting in the bed. “Just maybe not right this second.”</p>
<p>“No, you’re right,” Alex acknowledged, resting both hands on either of the detective’s cheeks. “We’re both feeling a lot right now. It’s probably best to take a break anyway.” Olivia sat up on her knees in order to kiss her once more. “I love you,” Cabot whispered into her lips, pushing some unkempt hair out of the brunette’s eyes.</p>
<p>“Mmm.” The cop’s eyes closed softly, and her hand wandered down the side of Alex’s neck and over her shoulder. “I love you too, Al.”</p>
<p>When they sat down for their next therapy appointment, Alex was practically bouncing in her seat with excitement as she shared the news of her and Olivia’s first entirely successful intimate encounter—and by that point, the second, third, and forth as well. Kimani let the blonde share all she wanted to before congratulating her profusely.  Noticing the detective hadn’t said much yet, the therapist turned to her other client. “Olivia, how are you feeling about this progress?”</p>
<p>Like Kimani, Benson had wanted to allow Alex to say whatever she wanted to say, to express her happiness and pride in herself to her heart’s content. And so she’d decided to stay quiet for the time being. But she knew the LMFT would address her before long. “I’m so—” Alex’s heart swelled as the older woman’s voice broke in the way it did whenever she was particularly emotional. She’d been in awe as the attorney had shared the good news with their therapist, something she’d been verbally looking forward to since their first shower together the morning after. “I’m so happy,” the brunette struggled to get out, squeezing the ADA’s hand and directing her words towards her, Kimani’s presence fading away. “I’m so proud of you, Alex,” she sniffled, “and I love you more than words can say.”</p>
<p>Alex simply grinned, saying nothing. Her head spun with a multitude of emotions, a hurricane of feeling rotating mercilessly around her, but still, she felt as if she were at the eye of the storm, and as Hurricane Alexandra raged on, she felt only compassion for herself and love for her partner. A storm of compassion. Something her father knew nothing about. The sting of the thought lingered for only a moment as she continued to stare through Olivia’s eyes, more powerful than any adversary Cabot had faced. In her gaze lied the eye of the hurricane.</p>
<p>After over a minute, Kimani decided to inquire about what had caused the quiet. “I wonder if you’d like to share what you’re thinking about right now, Alex.”</p>
<p>This time, it was <em>her</em> voice that broke. Alex usually opened up to Kimani without much prodding, especially these days, but it took a lot to get her to cry openly. “I’m so grateful. I feel so lucky to have you, Liv.”</p>
<p>Kimani extended several more seconds of silence before offering her thoughts. “You really did the work, Alex. You came in here every session, ready to talk and to ask questions, and to really search yourself. Yes, it’s awesome that you’re grateful to have a partner like Olivia, and I think that the two of you being sure not to take one another for granted is a hallmark of this relationship and a reason for its success, but I want you to give yourself credit where credit is due, Alex,” she said to the blonde, Liv nodding along. “This hasn’t been just luck. You worked for this.”</p>
<p>The younger woman bobbed her head in full agreement as Kimani handed her a tissue, and the blonde wiped her eyes and nose, playing with it afterwards as she spoke. “I worked really hard for this.” She’d never worked harder for anything in her life. Not to be valedictorian of graduating class. Not to pass the bar. Not to win a case. The decision to accept the role the abuse she’d endured played in her lack of fulfillment and to put into action steps to fill those holes—with Olivia and by herself—was by far the hardest and most worth-while thing she’d ever done.</p>
<p>She reached up with both hands to wipe away some tears as Olivia brought her hand to her upper back, letting her fingers draw firm circles into her blouse as she caught her breath. “You really did,” Liv validated.</p>
<p>“I know this was the big goal you wanted to work on, Alex,” the sex therapist brought up eventually, “so I want to check in about where we stand as a team. As far as what we do next, I’m happy to continue to see you both, either together or separately. We can meet on a regular basis like we do now, or as needed. And—if you feel like you’ve accomplished all you wanted to, we don’t have to continue meeting. I’m here to support you as you address your needs as individuals and as a couple. So, I’m curious about how each of you feels about continuing to meet.”</p>
<p>Finally, Alex’s stormy blues released themselves from the rapture of looking into brown orbs, and she turned to the woman who spoke to her. “I mean, I know I want to continue meeting. I’m still working on penetration, and I really value the clarity these sessions give me.”</p>
<p>“Sure. Olivia, what about you?”</p>
<p>“Uh,” she thought for a few seconds, “I’d like to stay on as a client on an as-needed basis, and I also think it would be good for the three of us to meet every few months just to touch base, at least for a while longer. We’re both so happy right now, and understandably so—this is a big deal—but I know we both expect for there to be setbacks sometimes. We’ve embarked on a lifelong journey, and we might….” Olivia almost chuckled at the Alex-esque metaphor she’d created in her mind. “Well, we might need a map every now and then.”</p>
<p>Kimani smiled. “Alex, are you on the same page there?”</p>
<p>“Yes, absolutely.”</p>
<p>“Great.” The LMFT took a few notes, looking back up at the women after a minute or so. “Alex, I know this is something we’ve put on the back burner before, but I’m wondering if this would be a good time to refer you to the trauma specialist we talked about.”</p>
<p>“Um.” Kimani gave her a moment to process. She’d predicted her client’s reaction wouldn’t be altogether positive, but they’d arrived at an appropriate transitional point, and it was a good time to reintroduce the idea. “Well, um…do you think we’d be a good fit?”</p>
<p>“I do, but ultimately, it’s up to you to decide that. Her name is Dr. Lindsey Boylan, and she’s a psychiatrist specializing in trauma. She does talk therapy, as well as medication management, and we’ve shared many clients over the years.” She handed the blonde a card with contact information on it. “I can tell her to expect your call.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” She took a cleansing breath. “Sounds good.”</p>
<p>“And Al,” Olivia said to her softly, “you’re not committing to anything. You can see her once and decide you don’t mesh well. Okay? This is all your choice.”</p>
<p>Choice had become less scary to the blonde as time went on, and not only was the garlic v. regular naan decision—as well as others like it—becoming easier, so were more complicated choices. “Should we try a sex act in the yellow column?” became a question she allowed herself to answer, and that process was made a whole lot simpler when they’d transferred their “Green, Yellow, Red” poster board over to a markerboard so that they could erase and move around anything they needed to. It was an amazing visual reminder that nothing was set in stone, and Alex only needed to commit to the present moment.</p>
<p>As the weeks went on and the air in Manhattan grew hotter, Alex made choices daily to take care of herself, to listen to her body, and to afford herself the compassion she deserved. Like Olivia had predicted, however, they did experience setbacks, and those generally occurred on days that the attorney was faced with the fact that she didn’t always have the choice she’d fought so hard to give herself. Sometimes her illness forced her to relive experiences she’d rather forget. And sometimes, even the world around her did.</p>
<p>On one such day, Olivia left their bed to find her girlfriend in the living room cuddled up with Sandra, a steady stream of tears flowing down her cheeks.</p>
<p>"Hey,” she cooed softly, caught off guard and racing to the couch in order to comfort the woman she loved, “what's going on?"</p>
<p>Alex just pointed at the TV broadcast, setting the now struggling kitten down. The news station was airing breaking news: "Beloved Long Island Pastor, 70, Dies Suddenly Due to Heart Attack.”</p>
<p>Immediately, Olivia brought her hand up to meet her lips, a sob working its way up her own throat at the thought that her partner had been alone when she’d turned on the television. "Oh my God. Is that—?"</p>
<p>"Yeah."</p>
<p>"Al, are you—?"</p>
<p>She’d heard enough. Cabot shook her head, reaching for the remote and watching the screen fade to black after hitting the button, the image of Pastor Paul continuing to assault her eyes as she fought to blink it away. "I know I said this was what I wanted, but...I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is closure."</p>
<p>"That's understandable.” Olivia nodded, placing both hands on Alex’s body, waiting for a nod before pulling her close. Maybe if the brunette overwhelmed her partner with the feeling of her hands, there’d be no room left for her to feel <em>him. </em>“What can I do for you?"</p>
<p><em>This, </em>she thought, surrendering into the embrace. She exhaled audibly, the sound turning into a whimper as she buried her face into Liv’s neck, letting the feeling of warmth surround her. "Think I just need time to process,” she eventually answered aloud, pulling back at the sound of a frustrated meow. “Can you put some food in Sandra's bowl? I was going to, and then...."</p>
<p>"Of course."</p>
<p>Olivia quickly returned, inviting Alex into her arms again. The blonde shook her head, reaching for just her hand. "Do you believe in God, Liv?"</p>
<p>Benson had never been religious, mostly because if she believed in a higher power, then she would have had to concede the fact that the God who was supposed to love everyone on Earth allowed that monster—her father—to rape her mother. And now, as she watched the light she’d become accustomed to seeing in the younger woman’s eyes dim, she was reminded of what else God had allowed to happen. Still, she didn’t want to impose her opinion on the woman she loved, especially as she desperately tried to cope with this devastating news in a healthy way. "I'm not sure."</p>
<p>"Is it fair for me to be mad at God for what Pastor Paul did?"</p>
<p>
  <em>Absolutely.</em>
</p>
<p>“I think that whatever you’re feeling is the right feeling, baby. What’s fair is…” She sighed, her voice strained. “What you went through because of that <em>man’s</em> sick perversion,” she said, squeezing Alex’s hand, “is what isn’t fair.  And you’re entitled to feel whatever you feel about him, about God…. Baby, your anger is absolutely warranted,” she validated firmly but tenderly, smoothing her hand over the back of blonde hair. “We just don’t want it to consume you. Remember what we do with unpleasant emotions,” she reminded, referring to some research they’d done about effective techniques to assist Alex when she needed grounding or even just a frame-shift. “Let the feeling in, accept it, let it leave."</p>
<p>Alex inhaled deeply as Liv rested her hand over her heart and the blonde covered her fingers with her own. Inhale. <em>Let it in…</em>Hold. <em>Accept it.</em> Exhale. <em>Let it leave…. </em>“Again,” Olivia gently directed. “Let in in,” she whispered. “Accept it. And let it leave.”</p>
<p>She hummed when the woman she loved had completed the process three times.  "I was going to pick up breakfast for us, but I don't know if it's a good idea to leave you alone right now."</p>
<p>Alex shook her head, wiping away the rest of her tears as breathing became easier. "I know I'm not alone, even with you around the corner.” She bit her lip—she knew the adrenaline rush was subsiding because her more base needs were once again becoming apparent, and she was exhausted. “Besides, I'm really hungry."</p>
<p>When Liv returned to the apartment, she found her partner still on the couch, a new stream of tears escaping her eyes. She quickly dropped the bag of bagels and placed the coffee on the table in front of them. "Baby, what's going on?" she echoed her earlier question, her eyes landing on the cell phone the blonde cradled in her lap.</p>
<p>Cabot was so angry. She’d managed to keep herself centered, to avoid a full-fledged panic attack, and she’d done it with the techniques she’d painstakingly learned over many months. "My dad called." Not that Alex could have reasonably expected the man to know how much work she’d put into staying calm, but still—she blamed him for the slight tremble in her fingers as they reached out for Liv’s.</p>
<p>Olivia had seen the distress evident in her eyes when she’d first left the bedroom that morning, and she’d ensured she was visibly calmer before she risked leaving Alex in Sandra’s less than capable paws. Something else had obviously happened, and when the blonde told her what, all Benson could do was sit down next to her and hold her close. "Oh, sweetheart."</p>
<p><em>Let it in. </em>"Said he expects me at the funeral,” the ADA explained without further prompting, feeling the flames of anger lick her heart. <em>Accept it. </em>She hadn’t heard from either of the senior Cabots since the day she announced she was moving out of the penthouse. Of course Wilbur would deny contact, save for this moment—it was almost as if he were purposefully torturing his daughter.</p>
<p>“Breathe,” Olivia whispered into her hair, feeling her body still. "What did you say to him?"</p>
<p><em>Let it leave….</em>"I told him to go to hell."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for reading! I appreciate your patience with me as this story draws to a close. As always, please share your thoughts! Five chapters left!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Chapter 41</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.<br/>Here is Chapter 41. Trigger warning for discussion about abortion. I was inspired this weekend…for obvious reasons.<br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>
Chapter 41</p><p>Alex walked through the door one Thursday evening after an incredibly long day. She had sped through four arraignments for SVU, an indictment hearing that had—luckily—ended in a true bill, and trial prep with a survivor of a especially brutal rape at the hands of a college professor. By four in the afternoon, she was sitting across from Dr. Lindsey Boylan, a psychiatrist whose undergraduate degrees were in Psychology and Feminist Studies. The woman was poised and calm, and she would have been intimidating had it not been for her kind demeanor. Though the prosecutor was still nervous, they clicked almost immediately, and Alex could tell it was a good fit.</p><p>By the end of their first session, the doctor had suggested the possibility of medication to help manage her PTSD symptoms, which had come after a gentle but very real diagnosis of the illness, something that both terrified and validated Alex.</p><p>It would be an understatement to say that the blonde was exhausted as she entered the apartment. It had been more than ten hours of professional and personal work, and the ADA dropped her briefcase onto the ground as if she were relieving herself of her emotional baggage, a symbolic representation of what therapy had come to do for her. </p><p>Since Pastor Paul’s death, she’d been waiting with bated breath for another call from her father, and as time had gone on, she knew the likelihood of that was waning. Still, she half convinced herself that at least Jean would call, asking for civility for the sake of “family”. Alex knew nothing of the word. Still, the whole situation, including the thought of her parents crying over the grave of the man who had so grievously harmed her, weighed heavily on her mind. By the time the day of the funeral came and neither Cabot called, the attorney had accepted that no such call was coming. It was both relieving and saddening. A part of her, in the deepest recesses of her illogical mind, still held on to hope that one day her mother would open her arms up to the blonde, beg for her forgiveness, and hold her like a mother ought to hold her daughter.</p><p>She knew it was a fantasy though. What was real, however, was the fact that even after a long day, she got to come home to waiting arms and a warm presence, something that still felt too good to be true. </p><p>Olivia was sitting in the kitchen, waiting for Alex to arrive home so they could eat dinner together. The detective had been present for the arraignments, all of which the attorney handled like a champ, and was aware of the jam-packed day she had had while the cop had been at the precinct. She had, herself, had a long day, so as she waited, she nursed something a little stronger than wine. She pulled her chair out just slightly as her partner approached, lifting her head for a quick kiss. “Hey, love. How are you doing?”</p><p>“Good,” the younger woman sighed, sitting down catty-corner to the brunette and wrapping her fingers around her forearm, squeezing softly. “Tired, but…but good. She’s really nice, but she doesn’t let me get away with my bullshit, which is what I need.”</p><p>Benson hummed. “You definitely need someone who can keep up with you.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah.” She inhaled deeply, noticing that Olivia’s droopy eyelids had worsened as the day had gone on. SVU was currently working on a few particularly egregious cases, all of which Olivia was investigating and Alex was preparing to prosecute. “How was your day, sweetie?”</p><p>“Stressful,” she admitted, biting her lower lip and twisting her arm around so she could interlace their fingers together. “Cara Yeboah, the victim in the Silverman case?” Olivia prompted the other woman’s memory. Alex nodded. She’d gotten twenty-five thousand in bail, but she knew David Silverman’s family was wealthy and could likely get that much money together in mere hours. The older woman continued after a moment. “She’s pregnant. Twelve weeks, around the time of the first assault.”</p><p>The blonde’s fingers tightened around her love’s, and though concern washed over her, she was also overcome with gratitude that Liv had been so willing to shift gears and talk about herself, even without getting the details of Alex’s session. It was absolutely a sign of progress, though Alex’s heart hurt at the turmoil she knew her partner was likely facing. “Olivia, I’m so sorry you were alone in that today.”</p><p>“I’m okay, baby,” she whispered, appreciating the comfort. “It just…it’s just still hard.”</p><p>“Of course it is. Do you know what she’s going to do?”</p><p>Olivia nodded, a tear escaping her waterline without her consent. “She has an appointment tomorrow. I feel like such a hypocrite. She’s had enough choice taken from her, so why…why am I offended?”</p><p>Cabot felt the urge to turn on lawyer mode, not because she wanted to avoid the emotional exchange she was having with the person she wished she could marry, but because for her entire life, almost every conversation she’d had about abortion had been with a right wing-leaning man who lacked respect for any woman, let alone the young closeted lesbian who was a disgrace to her parents. Rumors had actually gone around that she’d become pregnant as a teenager and had secretly terminated the pregnancy, and that was why she’d been sent to the camp where she met Tammy. None of the men in her life ever respected her again. She fought the need to make a legal argument because she knew that in the moment, Olivia needed the purest form of human Alex. She needed empathy—and trust that the circumstances surrounding her conception and birth didn’t lead her to believe people who’d been raped didn’t deserve the right to choose what happened to their bodies next. “I don’t think what you’re feeling is judgement, love. I think this is a trauma response. Probably less than completely voluntary.”</p><p>Liv nodded. “Yeah, I think you’re right.” She took a deep breath, offering the younger woman a sad smile, before sipping the drink in front of her. The ADA rose from her chair and retrieved a glass of water, smoothly trading it with the beverage with which Olivia was medicating her discomfort.</p><p>"Maybe you should try to see someone,” she suggested, sitting back down and reclaiming the brunette’s hand in hers. “I bet Kimani would be happy to refer you."</p><p>"Yeah. Maybe I will."</p><p>“What can I do for you? Do you want me to list off all the reasons you matter? All the reasons I love you?” Alex smirked mischievously, nudging the woman she loved with affection. “I’ll do that, you know, but it has to stay between us because I can’t let any of the defense attorneys think I’ve gone soft.”</p><p>Olivia laughed lightly, wiping at a few tears. “That,” she pointed out, “is all the proof I need.”</p><p>That Saturday morning, Benson snuck quietly back into the bedroom, carefully sitting down on the bed next to her partner, who grunted in response to the movement of the bed. “Al,” the cop whispered, resting her hand on the other woman’s upper arm. “Wake up, love,” she encouraged softly, waiting for Alex’s eyes to flutter open before using her entire body to bounce on the bed, gently shaking her. </p><p>“Wake up, wake up, wake up!”</p><p>The lawyer groaned at the magnitude of stimulation so early in the day. Olivia never woke her up like that. Was everything okay? Her eyes met brown orbs and a playful smile. “What? This is my first day off in weeks,” Alex grumbled, still half-asleep.</p><p>“I know,” the detective replied obviously, garnering a small smile in response, “but I recall promising you a day full of pampering and quality time. And I want to get started.”</p><p>“You are too happy for,” she laughed tiredly, glancing at the clock, “seven thirty in the morning.” She reached up to cup the older woman’s cheek in her hand. “But your dedication to keeping your promise is very admirable, detective.”</p><p>Benson kissed her partner’s palm. “Well, thank you, counselor.”</p><p>“Wait a minute,” she announced skeptically, shaking the last remnants of sleep from her head, “I thought you promised pampering and quality time for my birthday next week.”</p><p>Olivia thought for a moment, humming in thought. “You have a point there. Well,” she sighed dramatically, “I guess we’re gonna have to do this again next week.”</p><p>The ADA chuckled, grateful for the affection the woman she loved showed her day in and day out. “Okay,” she finally relented, feigning the same drama as the brunette. “What do you have planned?”</p><p>"So, I've been thinking of stuff we can do to help you with body awareness and staying in the moment. I gave Kimani a call to ask if she had any ideas, and she suggested swimming, and now that the outdoor pools are open...."</p><p>Alex’s face fell in disappointment. "Liv, I don't know how to swim."</p><p>"I know.” Olivia gestured for the prosecutor to scoot over in bed so that she could lie next to her, and then she pulled her close. It often made the detective sad to think of how much the blonde had missed out on because of the controlling nature of her parents, but beneath her closed-off-ness and general anxiety when it came to new things, she actually had an adventurous spirit. As long as she felt safe and guided. “I thought I could teach you. I taught swim lessons sometimes when I was in high school and college."</p><p>Cabot was unsure of how to answer. The idea of swimming was scary—because she was pretty sure she’d drown in any water that came up above her head—but Liv made things seem less terrifying. Still, she didn’t know how she felt about continuing to be Olivia’s “project”, not that she thought the older woman saw it that way. She was just used to being—if anything—a chore. “You don't have to do that, sweetie."</p><p>"I know I don't have to. It's just—you've taught me so much about bravery and resilience and the balance between being tough and being soft, and I'd really like to return the favor."</p><p>"Honey, you don't think you've taught me just as much, if not more? You've taught me what it is to be loved and valued. You've shown me what it's like to be seen, to be believed. Those things are priceless to me, Olivia. But if you'd like to teach me yet another amazing thing, I'm not opposed to learning a new skill."</p><p>The brunette smiled and kissed Alex’s nose. “Breakfast first?”</p><p>They arrived at the pool a little before noon, two newly purchased swimsuits in tow. "Are you nervous, love?"</p><p>"A little,” Alex admitted. If she were being honest, this was not what she had in mind for her day off, but though she wasn’t particularly enthused by the idea of learning to survive in a communal bathtub, her partner’s excitement had caused her to be open to the idea. “I barely ever spent time in the water as a kid. My father didn't find swimming ladylike."</p><p>"I'm not going to let anything happen to you, sweetheart,” Liv promised, pulling her key out of the ignition and tossing it into her purse. She turned to the prosecutor, unfastening her seatbelt. “The keys to learning to swim are body awareness and consistent, rhythmic breathing."</p><p>Alex rolled her eyes to cover up some embarrassment. "Wonderful,” she drawled sarcastically. “Two things I'm historically good at."</p><p>"It just takes practice."</p><p>“That,” Cabot acknowledged, “I actually am good at.”</p><p>For the first time, Olivia began to question the wisdom of this idea. The last thing she wanted was to add more stress to Alex’s life, but she had thought this would be a good way for her to relax—once she learned the basics. But if even getting in the water was going to be a trigger for anxiety, then maybe she should pick another activity for their day together. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, Al.”</p><p>She nodded. “I know. But I think you’re right about it being good for me…and everything.” The least she could do was get in the pool just to say she’d tried it. That couldn’t be too scary, could it? And it wasn’t as if Olivia would just watch her drown. Step by step, it would be, just like everything else. She deserved to offer herself physical self-care, things that felt good to her body. Though she’d never experienced it, she’d heard non-vigorous swimming worked wonders for aches and pains. When she really looked at it from a rational standpoint, after she’d sufficiently addressed her drill sergeant’s weak attempts to ruin something that could be good for her, it really felt like a win-win situation. </p><p>The newfound confidence in the ADA’s voice gave the police officer all the assurance she needed that trying couldn’t hurt. She didn’t have any traumatic experience with the water, it was the unknown that scared her. And it was easier to build good memories from nothing than good memories from bad ones. “At any point you want to go home, just say the word, deal?”</p><p>Alex reached for her door handle. “Deal.”</p><p>Olivia led her to the pool she’d frequented over the course of several summers. They both changed in bathroom stalls, and then the older woman guided Alex by the hand to the small adults-only swimming pool in a corner of the complex. “Uh, no lifeguard?” Cabot questioned? “That sounds like a recipe for disaster.”</p><p>“Ordinarily, I’d agree with you,” Liv conceded, “but I figured you’d want some privacy.”</p><p>It was then that the lawyer fully noticed that there were no other people in the area. “Are pools not popular anymore?” she inquired with a laugh, placing her bag down on the table her partner had disposed of her own beach towel.</p><p>“Old lifeguard secret,” Benson told her conspiratorially. “Pools are ghost towns at lunch time.”</p><p>“Huh.” Alex stared out at the crystal blue water. “Fascinating.” </p><p>“C’mon.” The detective reached for the blonde’s hand, slowly leading her towards the stairs that would allow them to enter the pool. “It’s only three feet deep here,” she said, overexplaining in order to ensure Alex knew she wasn’t leading her into deep water. “It shouldn’t go higher than your hips.”</p><p>They spent some time walking around the pool, adjusting to the cool water. Once she became settled, her nervousness began to ebb away. It was actually sort of romantic to have the pool to themselves, and Alex took advantage of the privacy by wrapping her arms around Olivia’s neck and pecking her on the lips. “Okay, coach. What’s first?”</p><p>She hummed, thinking for several extended moments. “How do you feel about going under the water?”</p><p>“Um…okay. Is there a good way to do it?”</p><p>Olivia nodded, walking slowly into slightly deeper water. “You want to take a normal breath in, and after you submerge, exhale slowly.”</p><p>“Right.” Alex bobbed her head to hype herself up. “The rhythmic breathing we talked about.” She began to inhale before stopping herself. “This water is clean, right?”</p><p>“Yes, baby, the water is clean. I used to come here all the time,” the detective laughed. “Now stop stalling,” she said light-heartedly. “It’s not going to get less scary with time. If you’re going to do it,” she explained, “you really should just do it.”</p><p>“Just do it,” Alex echoed, aware that her partner knew it was easier said than done.</p><p>“I can hold your hand,” Olivia offered softly, outstretching her arm towards the blonde. “It’s okay to be nervous,” she assured her.</p><p>Cabot wondered where the woman she loved had learned to be so validating and simultaneously comforting. She doubted that was something the police academy taught cadets, so Olivia must have taken it upon herself to grow the skill. The ADA interlaced their fingers together beneath the surface of the water. “I’m not really scared. It’s just…”</p><p>“Hey.” Though Alex had made much progress in the past year or so of their relationship, she still struggled especially with the idea of being outed to large groups of people, so the older woman scanned their surroundings quickly, ensuring no one had entered the adult-only pool area in the past few minutes, and then she erased the space between them, cradling Alex’s face in both of her hands. “You don’t ever have to explain yourself to me. This is supposed to be good for you. If it’s not feeling good, then we shouldn’t do it.”</p><p>The prosecutor nodded in agreement. “Do you think we can work on this particular skill another time?”</p><p>“Of course. Do you want to switch to something else, or do you want to go home?” Liv asked, squeezing the lawyer’s arm.</p><p>“No, I want to stay,” she replied confidently. “Is there anything else we can work on here?”</p><p>The cop thought for several seconds, considering the kinds of things a person who wasn’t ready to go under water should practice. “What do you think about floating on your back? With help,” she added.</p><p>“Sure, okay.”</p><p>Benson raised an eyebrow. “Okay?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Okay,” Olivia breathed. “Let’s walk to a wall, love.”</p><p>Liv led the younger woman to the side of the pool and then directed her to hold on to the wall with both of her hands. “Can you put your feet up on the wall too?”</p><p>Alex chuckled, but she obeyed the strange command. “How complicated is this floating thing?” she questioned, feigning annoyance. “You trying to teach me calculus before basic addition?”</p><p>“Just trust me,” Olivia whispered through laughter, the air around them becoming less heavy as she placed both her hands on each of Alex’s shoulders. “And trust yourself. I’m trying to show you how you can do this without help—when you’re ready. The easiest way to start a float is by using the wall, babe.”</p><p>“To account for nervousness and instability?” Alex assumed.</p><p>“See, you’re too smart for me, woman.” Liv kissed the back of her partner’s head. “Okay, I’m going to keep my hands here for now.” She squeezed the woman’s shoulders in order to emphasize her point.<br/>
“And I want you to lay your head back as far as you can. You should be able to see my nose hairs.”</p><p>“The kids you taught fell for this?” Alex was skeptical, cringing slightly as she got her head wet for the first time. The cold of the water was a little abrasive, but she embraced the slight discomfort, trusting that her instincts were now able to accurately tell her whether something was safe. And she knew she was safe. Not even her godforsaken drill sergeant had anything to say as Olivia directed her to let go of the wall and straighten her legs.</p><p>“Oh, yeah,” the brunette insisted. “And they pointed them out too.” </p><p>Slowly, the attorney leaned her head even farther back, reaching up with her right hand, her pointer finger extended, and made a show of inserting it into one of the older woman’s nostrils. “How’s this?” she laughed, fear shooting through her for a moment as Olivia pulled away from the offending digit. “Whoa, whoa, I’m sorry, don’t drop me,” she said, half-joking. </p><p>“Not dropping you. I promise.” Benson’s voice returned to its natural, soothing cadence and tone. “All I did is straighten my arms.” She waited for a small nod from the woman in her arms, who once again relaxed in the water. “Do you want to know what else I told the kids?”</p><p>“Oh, yes. Please.” Alex pressed her lips into a thin line, fighting a smirk. “Enlighten me, O’ Wise One.”</p><p>The detective quirked an eyebrow upwards, amused by Alex’s antics. It was so fun for her to see the woman she loved totally calm—or as calm as Alex Cabot was capable of being—enjoying the water and their time together. “Are you making fun of me?” she accused teasingly, bringing her face down so that their noses bumped together for a few seconds. </p><p>Cabot lifted her arm into the air, displaying her thumb and forefinger about a centimeter apart. “Just a little,” she admitted, squinting. “Okay, seriously, share the secrets of floating expertise.”</p><p>“Okay. So, pretend you’re a starfish—”</p><p>“—I can’t,” Alex involuntarily sputtered, covering her face with her hands as deep laughter ripped through her. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sure this was really,” she hiccupped, “really effective.” She let her feet float down to the bottom of the pool slowly, allowing Olivia to help her stand up. “But I can’t take it seriously. It’s not you, I promise.”</p><p>“It’s your loss. We didn’t even get to swallowing a watermelon!”</p><p>The lawyer turned back around to face her partner, noticing a heterosexual couple enter the gated-in area. “All jokes aside,” she said, reaching for the brunette’s hands below the water, “I just know you were an amazing teacher. You’re amazing,” she whispered.</p><p>“I really like seeing you giddy,” the older woman commented after a moment, sobering.</p><p>“I like being giddy.”</p><p>“You want to get some lunch?” Olivia asked, eyeing the intruders that disrupted their alone time.</p><p>The ADA nodded, squeezing Benson’s hands, grateful for the inconspicuous intimacy and Olivia’s patience with her insecurities, even though the blonde suspected the older woman would just love to plant one on her right there in front of the other couple. Alex knew she would never do such a thing, not without being absolutely sure the lawyer was comfortable with the idea, and though she was getting there, she hadn’t quite arrived yet.</p><p>Olivia really did hold her up.</p><p>“As long as it’s not a whole watermelon.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: I’m sorry about the delay in updates. I only have one day off per week right now, and I usually use it for homework. I promise you I will get this story finished. I’m deeply attached to it!<br/>-Gabby</p>
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<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Chapter 42</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p><p>Here is Chapter 42. Explicit sexual content. Sorry for the long gap in between updates. Been dealing with some health issues. I will finish this story, I promise!</p><p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p><p>Chapter 42</p><p> </p><p>Unlike the vigorous and excited shaking of the week before, Olivia had decided to wake her partner up gently on her birthday. She’d silently slinked out of bed early that morning, leaving the attorney to sleep for a while longer. Alex rarely slept in, even on days when she technically could, because her anxious mind didn’t ever let her. She had things to do, things to think about—always. But it seemed to be an unconscious attempt at gifting herself a birthday present that allowed her to rest for longer than usual, even without the detective by her side.</p><p>The brunette carefully climbed back into the bed and draped her arm around the younger woman’s waist, pressing one quick kiss to her forehead. She allowed herself to rub her back lightly and slowly, not wanting to initiate extremely intimate physical contact while Alex was still asleep. If she hadn’t wanted to get the birthday festivities started so urgently, she would have been content to watch the lawyer sleep for hours. The way her little nose twitched and the gentle sighs escaping her lips as she fully relaxed into the bed were simply exquisite to experience from Liv’s perspective. Watching the love of her life feel safe was beyond compare.</p><p>Unfortunately, however, Alex deserved to be celebrated, and so rather than gifting herself the present of staring at the woman sleep all day, Benson started the process of carefully waking her up. She sat up on the bed, so the blonde didn’t awake to Liv’s face centimeters away from hers, but she maintained the touch, adding a minuscule amount of pressure to the hand that was moving slowly over her back. It wouldn’t take much. Alex was an exceptionally light sleeper. “Al,” she whispered, brushing some of her now quintessential bird’s nest out of her face. “Do you want to wake up, honey?”</p><p>With a soft moan, the prosecutor’s hand laid itself over Olivia’s, their fingers intertwining over the younger woman’s cheek. “Good morning,” Benson cooed, quiet, as Alex was still in the process of waking up and her eyes were still closed.</p><p>“Morning,” she managed to mumble after a few seconds, her eyes fluttering.</p><p>“Happy birthday, love,” the detective breathed, squeezing her girlfriend’s hand.</p><p>“Happy birthday,” Alex returned, the fumble waking her up fully as both women began to laugh. “Oops,” she eventually mouthed, burying her face into Liv’s chest.</p><p>“You awake now?” the police officer questioned after a few more moments, tangling her fingers into Alex’s unruly mane.</p><p>“Yeah.” She spoke with significantly more confidence than she did before, a light giggle working its way through her throat.</p><p>Olivia smiled. “Good. That means I can kiss you.”</p><p>The attorney hummed. “I suppose it does. Come here,” she instructed, her voice still gravelly from sleep. She heard a deep sigh from the bottom of the bed, and Alex looked to see the cat stretching dramatically. “It’s not your birthday, Sandra, it’s mine,” she scolded the feline with a laugh before turning back to her girlfriend. She pulled the older woman down on top of her, brushing her lips just barely against Olivia’s. Her fingertips wandered the skin of her face, ghosting over Benson’s nose and cheekbones. The woman in bed with her was just so beautiful. Alex felt as if she could spend her life simply marveling at her eyes, at her heart, at her soul. And she planned to. “I love you,” she thought aloud, her lips opening into a grin.</p><p>“Not as much as I love you,” the brunette countered, smiling impishly.</p><p>Alex looked at her partner, feigning a look of disappointment. One should know better than to challenge Alex Cabot on—well, absolutely anything at all. “Oh, honey, you are so not going to win this battle.”</p><p>Olivia’s fingernails found the blonde’s ribcage and began tickling without relent, monitoring her for signs of discomfort. She knew that the woman at her mercy enjoyed this sensation, but there was always a fine line that needing walking. “Oh, I’m not?” She smiled as the person she loved most in the whole world released a joyful gasp, her hands gripping onto Liv’s shoulders as she surrendered to the touch, clearly unwilling to concede their little battle. “I’m not?” she continued teasing, laughing herself. “Are you sure about that?”</p><p>“Okay! Okay! I give up!” Alex made a show of flailing her arms in the air, sucking in precious oxygen.</p><p>The brunette continued tickling her, becoming more gentle in her ministrations so that Cabot could ask her to stop if she’d had enough. Liv was proud of herself for finding the balance between letting go and having fun and being careful with her love, who still needed some extra care around physical touch. “Hmm. What’s that? What did you say?”</p><p>“I said I give up! You win!” she heaved, stopping Olivia’s fingers with her own. “Now let me breathe,” she begged, still laughing, exaggerating the motion of pushing the detective’s hands off of her body. She reminded herself to never take it for granted—the safety of even an onslaught of sensation at the other woman’s hands. It felt so normal, so domestic, and Alex often struggled to remember a time when this wasn’t her reality.</p><p>Olivia settled down next to the younger woman, pressing her lips into the skin of a still rapidly rising and falling shoulder. “I’m pretty sure you’re awake now,” she joked, earning an eye roll and a loving shove.</p><p>“You think?”</p><p>Liv smiled, brushing some hair off of her love’s sweaty brow and burying her nose into her neck, inhaling deeply. "What do you want to do today?"</p><p>Alex hummed in thought, wrapping her arms around the older woman and letting her hands migrate over her back. She felt Olivia kiss her neck. It was a chaste kiss, but it lingered, and the intimacy took her breath away. Cabot cradled her girlfriend’s cheeks in her hands and gently pushed her far enough away to plant a kiss on her lips, more firmly than before. The contact was loving, but she did nothing to hide the desire behind it. "I was thinking maybe some of this?"</p><p>“Hmm,” Olivia pondered, pretending to think about it for a few seconds. “Last I checked, it’s your birthday. Why am I the one getting the present?”</p><p>Alex chuckled mischievously, bringing one of Liv’s hands to rest over her already bare breast. They’d developed a habit of sleeping naked, and it was…convenient, to say the least. She smiled at the warmth, using her other hand to explore other areas of her partner’s body, sighing softly. “Oh, trust me. This is absolutely <em>my</em> present.”</p><p>She kissed the older woman again, pulling her all the way on top of her and fully tuning in to the feeling of each part of their bodies connecting. Alex hadn’t slept well, though she knew she’d appeared to—anxiety-filled dreams plaguing her slumber wasn’t always evident to an outside eye, not even Olivia. Still, she hoped some closeness would rid her thoughts of the ever lying-in-wait uncertainties and fears that could strike at any moment. If she could just focus.</p><p><em>Focus</em>, she reminded herself, trailing her fingertips down Benson’s arm as she deepened their kiss. She ended the contact after a minute, desperately needing some air. “I will never get over how soft you are.”</p><p>Olivia kissed her nose. “Well, my sweet, the good news is you never have to.”</p><p>“We’ve never tried morning sex before,” the attorney acknowledged with raised eyebrows, sighing at the sensation of her partner’s hands against her skin as she peppered kisses around her neck and chin.</p><p>The detective gently pulled the blonde’s lower lip between her teeth. “There’s a first time for everything,” she offered.</p><p>“I’m down,” the ADA shrugged with a quiet laugh, Olivia smiling at the verbiage.</p><p>“Well, good.” Liv rolled them so that the other woman was on top, that way she could pull her closer by the small of her back and the base of her skull. Their lips connected again, and this time, it was <em>on.</em> Dueling tongues moved together as wandering hands explored every inch of soft skin, the air around them becoming thick with passion.</p><p>Realizing the position change after several minutes of being high on her partner’s touch, Alex pulled back, offended. “Objection!” she admonished. “It’s <em>my </em>birthday!” the lawyer asserted, flipping their position once more. “You do all the work today.”</p><p>It made Olivia happy to see the survivor request attention, but she didn’t want to ruin the joke by bringing it up. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard that hold up in court, counselor.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, we do many things together that wouldn’t hold up in court,” she countered, bending her knee to grant the woman between her legs more access to her body.</p><p>By the time Liv’s fingers arrived where she wanted them, Alex’s head was spinning.</p><p>But soon, for an unknown reason, the giddiness and lighthearted atmosphere they’d created just…evaporated, and Alex began to feel weird. It wasn’t bad, she was able to discern. But though the movements of Olivia’s fingertips against wet flesh felt good on the surface, the blonde’s body wasn’t quite interpreting it as pleasure.</p><p>Almost on its own accord, Alex’s hand travelled down her partner’s back and over her hip, coming to rest as her fingers wrapped themselves delicately around Olivia’s wrist. By the time she realized what she was doing, the movement was voluntary and measured. "Liv." Her voice was serious, cautionary.</p><p>Instantly, the detective’s hand jumped back, and her eyes searched conflicted blue orbs. "What's wrong, baby? You okay?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm fine. I...” Alex swallowed hard, shaking her head. “I didn't mean to scare you."</p><p>"Sweetheart, you said my name like that for a reason. Did you get nervous?"</p><p>"No, I, um...” How to word it? “I have a problem."</p><p>Olivia was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked, sliding completely off her girlfriend to be safe.</p><p>Might as well just come right out with it, Cabot decided. "I'm having a hard time staying aroused."</p><p>"Oh?" Liv questioned, suddenly scared that Alex had been faking pleasure since they'd started having sex. "How long has this been going on?"</p><p>"This is the first time it's happened. I was fine at first,” she assured the woman she loved, knowing Olivia would be concerned about this course of events and about what it meant for the other times they’d been intimate. “The kissing was great, the foreplay. But as soon as your hand touched me, it just sort of dissipated. I thought I'd wait a few minutes, and I really tried to concentrate, but...I'm sorry, sweetie,” she sighed, biting her lip. She had almost convinced herself that they could be a normal couple, that sex could be as easy as their morning banter over coffee.</p><p>She also knew exactly how the other woman would respond to her apology, but she couldn’t stop herself. She was genuinely sorry. She wasn’t panicked, she wasn’t really even anxious. She just wasn’t feeling much of anything, and she didn’t quite know what to do with that information. Still, the look on the love of her life’s face made her feel guilty—of what, she was unsure. "Hey, you don't have to be sorry, my love. Do you think we can talk through it and figure out what's happening in your mind and in your body?"</p><p>"Yeah. I want to.” Alex nodded. It always helped her to have a game plan. “I want to keep going. I just...what's the point if I'm not enjoying it?"</p><p> Olivia was struck by the power of her partner's transformation, and a smile came to her face, eclipsing the concern with which she had been contending moments ago. The ADA may have been feeling conflicted, but she’d done the right thing for herself, and that was an accomplishment. "I love you, you know."</p><p>Alex smiled in return, reaching up to brush some of Olivia’s growing hair out of her face. She was okay. They were okay. "I love you too."</p><p>"Okay, so talk to me,” Benson prompted softly, kissing the palm of the hand that was now resting on her cheek. “Are you especially stressed?"</p><p>She shrugged in concession. "There <em>is</em> a lot on my mind."</p><p>"Work stuff?"</p><p>"Yeah,” the attorney admitted. There was always work stuff. But unless she was facing a case like D’Agostino, she usually did a fairly good job of keeping it at the office and in the courtroom. Both women knew there was more to this. “And Pastor Paul's death has been weighing heavily on my mind and going to therapy on my own. The fact that Sandra won't stop staring at me, and sometimes she meows when I moan."</p><p>Olivia laughed in response to the sheepish smirk on the younger woman’s lips. "We can lock her out of the bedroom, love."</p><p>"I don't want her to be alone."</p><p>"She knows she's not alone. And it's only for a little while. You deserve to have privacy."</p><p>"Okay." Olivia gently scooped up the offended feline and placed her outside the door, closing it softly. "I don't think this whole thing is because of the little voyeur though."</p><p>"I don't either,” the older woman agreed, getting back into the bed. “But it's a start. We need to clear your head of things you can ruminate over, so that you can concentrate on what you're feeling. Tell me about Pastor Paul."</p><p>Where to start? Ever since the man had died, Alex’s thoughts had been plagued with the pastor’s voice, with his cologne, with his touch. Not even her dreams had been spared.  She knew the chances of closure were low for most survivors, and she never predicted she’d be the exception, but she still had so many questions she wanted answered. "Do you think he felt guilty? Maybe stress brought on the heart attack."</p><p>"I don't know, Al,” Liv whispered sadly, pulling her partner’s naked form close and kissing her temple. “I don't think we ever will. But this is not your burden to bear."</p><p>"I wish it were that simple,” she lamented, earning a nod from the detective. “I've just been feeling weird about it."</p><p>The brunette hummed, letting them process in silence for a few moments, her knuckles lightly caressing the prosecutor’s cheeks, sides, and abdomen. "What about therapy?"</p><p>"She wants to put me on medication. For symptom management,” she clarified, looking up at the woman who hovered above her. “Do you think that's a good idea?"</p><p>"That's not my decision to make, sweetheart,” Olivia mused. “But I'm all for anything that helps you live a more fulfilling life."</p><p>"Yeah. I think I'll do it. It can't hurt, right?"</p><p>Liv let her pinky finger travel the length of her nose and then back up again.  "Right."</p><p>"That feels good, babe," Alex sighed, closing her eyes and breathing deeply. </p><p>“Good,” the older woman whispered into the prosecutor’s temple before kissing her again. “That makes me happy.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Olivia, I—”</p><p>Benson shook her head, cradling her cheeks with both hands and resting her forehead against Cabot’s, forcing eye contact. “Shhh, baby. Let in in, accept it, let it out. You’re okay.”</p><p>“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Alex tried to explain.</p><p>Liv shook her head once more, giving her partner a sad smile. “I know. I know. It’s okay, Al. Your mind is overwhelmed. You don’t have the space for more. I couldn’t be farther from offended.” She inhaled deeply, studying the younger woman as she thought. “It’s your birthday, and I want to give you what you need. Today and every day.” Benson raked her fingers through blonde hair, humming tenderly. “So, what do you need?”</p><p>Alex knew she had done nothing wrong, and that she was entitled to refuse sex for any reason or for no reason at all, that she had the right to retract consent at any time. These were things the woman who held her so securely had proven to be true, had solidified in her mind. But didn’t normal people have sex as part of a celebration? She shook her head at herself, reminding herself to breathe. Sometimes the ghost of her drill sergeant came back to haunt her, and the only way to make him go away was to kill him with kindness.</p><p>Olivia’s eyes widened when she didn’t respond. “Baby?”</p><p><em>Sex is a part of our lives now, </em>Alex thought to herself, sternly and compassionately, <em>but it is not our entire lives,</em> she continued, drafting a new rebuttal to her drill sergeant’s irrational barking. <em>I can celebrate my birthday however I want, and if sex doesn’t feel good to me right now, that’s perfectly okay. I’m only human.</em></p><p>“You okay?” the detective further prompted.</p><p>“Yeah, so—.” She stopped herself from apologizing again with a sheepish smile. “I was just thinking about what I want.”</p><p>“And what do you want, sweets?” the older woman asked lovingly, draping her arm over Alex’s torso and pressing her lips into a defined collarbone.</p><p>Remembering that intimacy didn’t have to be sexual—it hadn’t been for her and Olivia for the majority of their relationship thus far—and that sometimes she just needed an anchor for rest as she searched for direction in a stormy night, she gave a nervous giggle, the brunette’s concerned eyes lightening as they stared deeply into hers. “Birthday cuddles?”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you for your patience as this story draws to a close. I got some requests for a sequel. I would certainly consider it, but I may need to take a break for a while first. What would you guys like to see?</p>
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<a name="section0043"><h2>43. Chapter 43</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud. <br/>Here is Chapter 43. Usual trigger warnings apply. <br/>Here’s a quick Gabby dissertation—I am deeply relieved that Donald Trump will be removed from the White House, but there is so much more work to be done. Don’t get complacent, and always criticize our public servants. They are there to serve us. They have to earn our votes. We should never just give them away. I hope that President-elect Biden will bring some much-needed healing to America and to our world, but this is not the end of the journey. <br/>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay<br/>Chapter 43</p>
<p>Olivia rolled over in bed, reaching to wrap her arm around her partner, waking up more fully when all she met was the bedsheets. The woman she loved moved like a graceful gazelle, tip-toeing about her life, her movements going unnoticed by the majority of the people around her. Still, Benson considered herself to be a light sleeper, and she usually woke up when Alex left the bed, even to pee. But the sheets her hands wandered aimlessly over were cold now, indicating that the blonde hadn’t occupied the space in quite some time. </p>
<p>Hearing some clattering about in the kitchen, she quickly threw the covers off of her, climbing out of the bed and padding out of the room. “Babe?” she called quietly into the dark apartment, turning on a light.</p>
<p>The attorney popped her head out from behind a cabinet. “Hey,” she whispered, somewhat upset that she’d been caught.</p>
<p>"Hey,” Liv greeted her partner softly, blinking hard in confusion at the sight in front of her. “Are you gargling mouthwash?"</p>
<p>The blonde held up the entire bottle of Listerine as if in cheers. "Nightmare."</p>
<p>Olivia’s heart sank into her chest, and instinctively she reached out her arms to the blonde, beckoning her closer. "Come here, baby.” She pressed her lips into Alex’s hair when the younger woman lied her head on her shoulder. “You're safe.” She watched Cabot place the bottle of mouthwash down on the counter so that she could wrap her other arm around the detective. “Please, please wake me up if you have dreams that bad."</p>
<p>"I just thought I could calm myself,” Alex murmured into Olivia’s neck, allowing herself to be rocked back and forth slowly. Her nightmare seemed so far away and yet so close—the sight, feel, and taste of it lingered within her, and Liv’s familiar scent just barely drowned it out.</p>
<p>"And you did,” the older woman acknowledged, giving her a squeeze. “I'm proud of you for that. But you don't have to do it without support.” She pulled slightly away from the exhausted and shaken up woman in her arms, cradling her cheeks and pressing their foreheads together. “How long have you been up?"</p>
<p>"About an hour or so,” the blonde admitted, worrying her lower lip. Her trip to the kitchen with the bottle of mouthwash wasn’t supposed to last this long, but her plans had been thwarted by a hammering pulse and reeling mind. “I couldn't fall back to sleep."</p>
<p>Olivia clicked her tongue in sympathy, her fingers tangling into blonde locks as she leaned in to peck the lawyer’s nose. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Is there anything I can do?"</p>
<p>"I'm okay,” the younger of the two promised. And she was. She knew how to counsel herself through a nightmare. Knew how to let the emotion in, accept it, and let it leave. Knew how to rebuttal the ghost of her drill sergeant. She was the expert of her trauma, and though she wasn’t entirely sure Listerine was the healthy response to the frightening dream she’d had, she felt compassion for the little girl inside her who just wanted to feel clean again. “Just needed to get up. You should get some more sleep, baby. You and Elliot are catching tomorrow, yeah?"</p>
<p>"Mhm. Do you want some tea?"</p>
<p>Alex smiled. She should have known better than to think Liv would just turn around and go back to bed. And in truth, she appreciated the company. "Sure."	</p>
<p>They maneuvered about the kitchen quietly for a few minutes, the domesticity of the clinking of the kitchen cabinets soothing Cabot’s anxious mind. Soon they were sitting next to each other on the couch, two pairs of legs pulled up under them and knees barely touching. The cop sipped her chamomile tea, gently clapping a hand over Alex’s knee in order to get her attention. "Talk to me, love."</p>
<p>"About what?"</p>
<p>"Your nightmare, your upcoming cases,” she thought aloud, Sandra making herself known by hopping onto the couch and struggling to pick a lap to settle on, “the cat. Anything. I just don't want you stewing."</p>
<p>The prosecutor narrowed her eyes, unsurprised by the kitten’s eventual choice to sit in the space her crisscrossed legs created for her. "How do you know I'm stewing?"</p>
<p>"Because I know you."</p>
<p>It was a valid response. Alex never stopped stewing. "I guess I am stewing. I've just been distracting myself from my dream by thinking about the past year, well closer to eighteen months when you factor in the time we were just hanging out. I've changed so much,” she said in wonderment. “A year ago, I wouldn't have even been capable of this conversation without having a panic attack, and we've had harder conversations than this where I've been okay."</p>
<p>Olivia smiled, placing her mug down on the table in front of the couch, leaning forward to rest her head against her partner’s shoulder. "I've been thinking about the past year too. I'm so grateful."</p>
<p>"Me too,” the ADA whispered, as if adding any more volume to the statement would risk the truth of it. “I have happy anniversaries now." It was a strange realization that she would have dates to look forward to, as apposed to the dates she had to dread, to fear, dates that would take the intensity of nightmares like the one she’d just had and triple it. </p>
<p>"Are you okay?" the brunette asked after a few moments, wanting confirmation that the woman she loved had completely come out of her dream and felt safe.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” she sighed. “It’s par for the course. And before you say anything,” Alex stopped Liv as she went to speak, a knowing smile forming on her lips, “I know that doesn’t mean these things aren’t significant. I just mean I know how to handle it now.”</p>
<p>Alex was typing up an opening statement when a knock on her open door made her look up.  "Ms. Cabot?"</p>
<p>She was surprised to see that her visitor was a child, pre-pubescent and anxiously fidgeting in the doorway. The attorney didn’t recognize him. "Hi, young man. What can I do for you?"</p>
<p>Bravely, his eyes met hers. "You tried to send Father D'Agostino to jail?"</p>
<p>Alex’s heart sank into her stomach and nausea made its way through her body. Who was this little boy? "Yes, I did. But—”</p>
<p>He interrupted her, pulling a tape recorder from his messenger bag. "I know they didn't believe my friends—Bryson and them. But maybe they'll believe me."</p>
<p>"Are you saying—"</p>
<p>"My momma made me go to confession, but I know what happens at confession.  So I brought my tape recorder two nights ago. You know, just in case." He handed it to the ADA, who still looked dumbfounded.  "It was on the whole time."</p>
<p>Alex cleared her throat. "What's your name, sweetie, and how old are you?"</p>
<p>"Dion Martinez,” he told her, taking a step further into the blonde’s office. “I'm eleven."</p>
<p>When she’d expressed hope to Olivia that maybe there would be more victims, she’d thought past victims from before Tommy, Dominic, and Bryson’s assaults would possibly come forward. What she hadn’t thought about—and hated to be faced with the reality of—is that post-acquittal, D’Agostino would begin to assault boys again. The child in front of her put on a brave face, the kind that she’d put on as she’d limped home all those years ago, but there was a pain behind his eyes, and it was evident to the other survivor in the room that he’d suffered greatly at his assailant’s hands. "You're very brave, Dion. Thank you for bringing me this. How did you get here?"</p>
<p>"I took the bus. My momma doesn't know."</p>
<p>"Okay. Dion.” The attorney knew she needed to make a plan, needed to call SVU, needed to get this kid to the hospital, even if there was nothing to find. Questioning her judgement around D’Agostino, she knew step one would be to tell Olivia. But she also couldn’t have an eleven-year-old just casually hanging out at the DA’s office. “Let me take you home, so I can have a talk with your mom. Do you mind if I call a friend?"</p>
<p>"Someone who can help?" he asked, some light returning to his eyes at evidence that the lawyer believed him, even without listening to the tape.</p>
<p>"Yes, honey. Someone who can help."</p>
<p>The brunette met the two of them at Dion’s apartment, and with hesitant permission from Ms. Martinez, Olivia took her and the young boy to Bellevue for an exam. After his mother took him to meet with Cabot at her office, the detective's eye was caught by a familiar face. "Dr. Karzai, hi," she greeted her.</p>
<p>The woman smiled shyly. "It's Barzinji now, but please call me Veeda, detective." </p>
<p>This case had been her D’Agostino, and Olivia knew it. She knew how domestic violence cases affected her, and she knew that without careful management of her insecurities, her behavior around those survivors could be altered by it.  "And you call me Olivia. How are you?"</p>
<p>"I'm okay,” she told the detective, smiling genuinely. “Enjoying my time in the ER, free from distractions. Everyone here has been really great."</p>
<p>"I'm happy to hear that."</p>
<p>"Actually, I'm glad I saw you,” she said, picking up a chart from the nurse’s station in front of her. “I have a favor to ask. Will you tell Ms. Cabot thank you for me? She saved me a whole lot of heartache and still managed to put Badeed away. I'm forever grateful to her."</p>
<p>Liv was relieved that something good had come out of Alex’s need to prove a point to herself by pleading down Badeed Karzai. It was a good deal on her end, and she had done the right thing by Veeda, who desperately didn’t want to testify. "Yeah, I'll definitely tell her. Please, don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need anything."</p>
<p>The doctor nodded. "Will do, Olivia."</p>
<p>When she got back to the police station, the detective found Alex alone in the conference room, the same one where she’d found her the day after Bryson’s assault, watching the confession tapes on repeat. “I saw Veeda, the victim in the Karzai case,” she announced to the prosecutor, who was reading a file intently.  </p>
<p>“Oh, yeah?” Alex looked up from her reading, rubbing at sore eyes. “How is she?”</p>
<p>“She said she’s okay. She wanted me to thank you for pleading him out.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Testifying against your attacker seemed like the hardest thing anyone could ever be made to do. Alex didn’t think she could do it, and yet she asked people, vulnerable people, women and children, to do it for a living. “I get it.”</p>
<p>“Me too.”</p>
<p>"Elliot and Fin pick the Father up?" Cabot asked, placing her feet on the ground and standing up, pulling a bottle of water from the mini fridge.</p>
<p>"Yeah, just now.” Olivia hesitated for a minute. Did you, did you listen to the tape?"</p>
<p>Alex sighed, approaching her girlfriend. She knew Olivia wasn’t really asking if she listened to Dion’s assault, she was asking how she’d handled listening to it. And she wasn’t entirely wrong for being concerned. She’d had to do it in bits and pieces, taking a series of deep breaths in between sections in order to get through it. "I'm fine, Liv. I'm in a better place now. And now we have hard evidence. The jury will have proof beyond all reasonable doubt of what happened during Dion's confession. I just wish I could get him on the other boys' assaults."</p>
<p>The brunette squeezed the other woman’s hand, understanding that the priest’s right to avoid double jeopardy would rob the three original survivors of the justice they deserved. "They can still testify to help establish a pattern, which may get him the maximum. And maybe with the tape, more boys will come forward."</p>
<p>"I know. I just wish I could do more."</p>
<p>“You do more than enough, sweetheart,” Liv assured her, hating that Alex worried that nothing she did was ever enough. There was some frustration that would never go away. No matter how appropriate the sentence any perp got, nothing the ADA could do would ever make things okay again. She couldn’t take her complaining witnesses back in time before their assaults. Just like Olivia, no matter how much she loved Alex, couldn’t make the pain the blonde felt go away. “Just think about Veeda. Her life has changed for the better because of your work.”</p>
<p>“But those little boys? Potentially more of them that that piece of shit is still attacking? Have their lives changed for the better?”</p>
<p>Olivia squeezed her hand again. “Baby.”</p>
<p>She didn’t need to say anything more. “I know. I know I’m being irrational. What D’Agostino does with his freedom is not my responsibility. I just…I have another chance now, and I don’t want to mess it up.”</p>
<p>“You can only do the best you can,” Liv reminded the Assistant District Attorney, “but your best is pretty damn good. Dion's mother on board?"</p>
<p>"Yes. Fully.” Alex hadn’t been able to resist the twinge of jealousy she’d felt when she saw the love and compassion Dion’s mother had for him, but she let in in, accepted it, and let it leave, and soon the feeling was replaced with gratitude that the little boy would have the support system he needed to begin healing. Still, the child, she decided, possessed more courage than the lawyer could even fathom. “She feels terrible about sending him to confession. She thought the boys were just seeking revenge by accusing him. She didn't want Dion to have to testify at first, but—"</p>
<p>"You convinced her."</p>
<p>"No. Dion did."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thanks for reading! I wanted to tell everyone that I have published a book of poetry on amazon kindle direct publishing. The e-book version is only five USD, and I’d be honored if some of my readers would purchase it. I’ve been working on that poetry for the majority of my life. It’s called “I Wonder, I Wonder” and I’m deeply proud of it. You can find the link in my Instagram bio.<br/>Love always, Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. Chapter 44</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.</p><p>Here is Chapter 44. Trigger warning for explicit sexual content and content surrounding vaginismus, as well as usual warnings.</p><p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p><p>Chapter 44</p><p>"Docket ending 1-8-9-8. The People v. Roberto D'Agostino. One count sexual abuse in the first degree."</p><p>Though these words from the clerk were music to Cabot's ears, anxiety flowed through her, binding to the oxygen in her bloodstream and taking her breath. She needed to calm herself before it was time for her to speak.</p><p>"How do you plead?" the judge inquired of D'Agostino's representation.</p><p>Kressler cleared his throat, speaking as if his response went without saying. "Not guilty."</p><p>"The people on bail?"</p><p>The moment of truth. This was her chance to redeem herself in Petrovsky's eyes. "The people request fifty thousand, your honor. Father D'Agostino has faced three identical charges in this court, and—"</p><p>Kressler stifled a laugh as he interrupted the other attorney. "The Father is a beloved member of the clergy. He is not a flight risk, and he appeared willingly during every phase of his previous trial. He was acquitted on all charges, your honor. We request ROR, as any previous charges have no bearing in this matter. Alex seems to have forgotten my client's right to avoid double jeopardy."</p><p>"I have not, Mr. Kressler. But I also haven't forgotten that with the addition of this new charge, the previous indictments at the very least suggest a pattern worth taking into consideration today." She paused briefly before adding, "And you can call me 'counselor.'"</p><p>She watched the wind be knocked out of Kressler's sail, and if she were being honest with herself, it felt good. The moment of taking back some power sent a little electrical jolt through her, and she wished Olivia had been there to see it. Not that she wasn't planning on telling her all about it later. Liv was currently at the station, doing some paperwork, or at least that's what she had been doing when the women last spoke. Fin and Munch were investigating the case that was Alex's next bail hearing, and the brunette and Stabler were catching. Selfishly, the ADA was hoping that nothing would come in, so they could have an evening together. She could spend an eternity with the SVU detective, and it still would never be enough.</p><p>"I'd be careful with that suggestion, Ms. Cabot. You're on thin ice. Bail is set at fifty thousand." Cabot knew the woman behind the bench had a point, and because she'd been given the bail amount she'd asked for, she didn't see the need to argue hers any further. "Is there anything else?"</p><p>Kressler shook his head in disbelief. "Your honor, I move to dismiss this case."</p><p>"On what grounds?"</p><p>"The people failed to meet their burden of proof when my client was first accused. Barring new unforeseen evidence, there's nothing to suggest they'll meet their burden with this new accusation."</p><p>Petrovsky raised an eyebrow. "Ms. Cabot?"</p><p>Alex was feeling relatively confident. Knowing Veeda Barzinji was doing well fueled her, and having a second chance to prosecute D'Agostino was a miracle she wouldn't take for granted. "The people have in our possession a tape recording of the assault. We are prepared to meet our burden, however the people are under no obligation to disclose all our evidence at this time."</p><p>"Relax, Counselor. I'm aware this isn't show and tell. And this tape, I'm assuming it was retrieved without a Fourth Amendment violation, Ms. Cabot?" Judge Petrovsky was a fair member of the judiciary. But she tended to hold grudges.</p><p>"Yes, your honor. The complainant suspected Mr. Kressler's client would sexually assault him during confession, information he gathered from his friends, the three complaining witnesses in the people's previous case against Father D'Agostino, and so he took with him a tape recorder, and recorded the entire incident."</p><p>Elliot, who had gone unnoticed until then, approached and whispered something into Alex's ear. "Your honor, it has also come to the people's attention that DNA belonging to the complainant, an eleven-year-old boy, was found in one of the confession booths. Turns out the Father doesn't clean up too well when he thinks he's immune to prosecution. We absolutely have enough evidence to proceed."</p><p>"Sorry, Mr. Kressler. Motion to dismiss is denied." Petrovsky acknowledged Alex with a small nod. Maybe she'd been granted grace. "Next case."</p><p>Alex got home that night after Olivia, who'd prepared a congratulatory dinner for her. Finally having some success with this case was bound to bring up emotion for the blonde, and Benson wanted her to feel taken care of as those feelings bubbled to the surface.</p><p>"So," Olivia brought up smoothly between sips of wine, "Elliot said you put Kressler in his place."</p><p>Looking up to find that Liv was wearing an unmistakable smirk on her face, the prosecutor returned the smile, moving the tip of her forefinger in circles over the condensation on her wine glass. "He walked out of arraignment with his tail between his legs."</p><p>"Wish I could have been there," the brunette commented, her fingers inching closer to her partner's, both women's eyes trained on the distance between them until it was entirely erased. "Bet it was hot."</p><p>Realizing what the older of the two was playing at, Cabot stood up from her chair and slowly strolled to the other side of the kitchen table, adding a subtle sway of her hips to her movements for Olivia's benefit. When she arrived, she straddled the detective, sitting her body flush against her partner's and humming when she felt two sets of fingers interlock over the small of her back. "We could do a reenactment, but you'd have to play Kressler," she whispered lowly, pressing her lips to Liv's temple.</p><p>Olivia threw her head back in laughter for a few beautiful seconds, her hands slowly moving up the other woman's back until they met her shoulders and then her neck, bracketing her throat in a careful but secure hold. "I'll pass on that. I'm fairly sure my imagination will suffice." In fact, she was more than sure—she was certain that the details of the ass-whooping the blonde had given to the arrogant misogynist in combination with the way she shifted on the brunette's lap as they laughed in tandem would only had to the darkening of her pupils and the heat already running through her. "Did you do that eye roll/scoff combination?"</p><p>"Oh, yeah," Alex grinned, her hands cradling Liv's skull as she looked up at her with reverent eyes.</p><p>"Did you smile mischievously and make a snide remark?" she asked into the skin of Cabot's shoulder, placing open mouthed kisses against the hot porcelain at perfect lip level.</p><p>The blonde tried to get out a breathless "Mhm," but she knew it sounded more like a moan, the vibration traveling through her body and settling between her legs. She shifted again on the other woman's lap, fisting the hair in her grasp.</p><p>Following the lead of the way her body rocked against her, Liv moved so that Alex's weight rested entirely on just one of her thighs, and she lifted that leg up to rest her foot in the chair Alex had previously been occupying, reveling in the gasp that escaped the woman in her arms. She squeezed her hip in comfort, but didn't relent, instead guiding Alex's forehead to rest against hers and waiting for their eyes to meet before bending her knee, pushing her muscular thigh into the blonde's clothed apex. "How much bail did you ask for?"</p><p>"Fifty thousand," Alex stammered out, trying to bring both legs together, her attempt being thwarted by Olivia, who, knowing what she was trying to do, rested one of her hands on her right thigh, holding it in place at the same time she offered momentary, barely-there friction with her jeaned thigh. "Fuck, Liv," the younger woman gasped. She couldn't believe how turned on she was getting, something that had become so familiar to her and yet so foreign, the warmth of the dull throb between her legs beckoning her hips forward and back again.</p><p>"Hey, now," Olivia finally warned quietly, for the first time verbally addressing the fact that Alex was basically riding her thigh, something the brunette was enjoying immensely. She stilled the movement of the younger woman's hips, humming in response to the low whine that involuntarily escaped her. "We're still having a conversation." She smiled warmly at her partner though, wanting to assure her  that this frustration was only temporary, and it was definitely just a game. "How much did you get?"</p><p>A little lightheaded, Alex couldn't even hear herself above the hammering of her heart in her chest. "Fifty—fifty thousand."</p><p>"Yeah, that's about all I need," Olivia said to her, her voice thick as she pulled Alex's lips to hers and held her body close. "Come here."</p><p>The kiss seemed to go on forever, time slowing to a standstill as the women's languid movements in and around each other facilitated the sort of contentment that both Alex and Olivia felt themselves needing to pinch themselves over. But the ADA was so far past giving in to an urge like that. She was real. Olivia was real. What they had was real. "So," she whispered into her partner's mouth after they'd pulled back for air, "I bought some lube, so we can practice with your fingers. I've been doing okay with up to two in the shower. I thought we could try today."</p><p>Fighting the catch of breath in her throat, Liv wondered if this had been in the prosecutor's plans since the morning, or if she'd just been inspired by their rather heated foreplay. "Can we cross that bridge when we get to it?"</p><p>Alex nodded, squeezing the nape of her partner's neck. Sometimes it was helpful for Olivia to forget about any work they were doing, at least in the beginning. It helped her relax and enjoy the moment, and it wasn't like they wouldn't have a conversation as they went on with their evening. "Yeah. And if you don't want to—"</p><p>Benson had spent over a year fantasizing about what Alex's warmth would feel like as it tightened—comfortably—around her fingers. But as she gripped desperately onto the hair that fell around the younger woman's face, the trust and desire in her crystal blues failed to provide Liv with enough assurance to move forward confidently. "I do. I just..."</p><p>"I know, honey." She brought their foreheads together, sighing softly as their breath began to mingle together once again. "This is your choice as much as it is mine. I'm ready for next steps, but only if you are."</p><p>Olivia smiled at the mirror image the words her girlfriend spoke to her conjured in her psyche. Words the cop had used for months on their journey towards more physical intimacy. And the brunette wondered if she'd made Alex feel as safe as Alex was making her feel in this moment. It didn't seem possible.</p><p>But it was.</p><p>It was the same gentle eyes, the same discerning upwards curl of a pair of lips, the same delicate, featherlight touch over her hair, cheeks, neck, and arms that had brought Alex so assuredly to this moment. And God, how the lawyer wanted to pay it back, pay it forward.</p><p>Things weren't perfect. No, they would never be perfect. Alex feared she'd spend the rest of her days outrunning the fading ghost of her drill sergeant. But that didn't matter now. The malevolent specter had been banished by the force of Olivia's gaze, at least for the moment, and Alex didn't want to spend the remainder of her peace waiting for it to end. So she'd asked to embark on another journey. One that the woman hoped would bring her into immeasurable warmth and leave the phantom of her past out in the rain. Olivia was an important part of this journey, but the train wouldn't leave the station without them both. Alex would make sure of that.</p><p>"I…I want to try," Liv eventually whispered, barely any volume to support her statement.</p><p>"And we can just," Alex stammered, the intensity of Olivia's gaze rendering her tongue-tied, "we can put this on the backburner for now, and just…be together. See what happens." The younger woman felt a thumb and forefinger settle around her chin, pulling her face impossibly closer to her partner's, and she hummed in question. "Hmm?"</p><p>Benson nodded, wasting no more time before crashing her lips to Alex's. The easy contentment of before returned, and it was Olivia who began to lead them towards their bedroom, standing her up and keeping her right hand steady on the ADA's back to ensure she didn't trip while walking backwards. They managed to keep kissing until it got in the way of the removal of shirts.</p><p>Liv took the opportunity to check in with the woman she loved, who had never entered into a sexual encounter with such unbridled enthusiasm before. "Hey. You—you okay?"</p><p>Her heart melted at the slight look of confusion in the blonde's stormy blues. "Why wouldn't I be?"</p><p>The older woman's soft hands found Alex's bare waist, pulling her close. "I just…I know we were playing, and I'm having fun, but…today. I imagine it wasn't the easiest."</p><p>"It wasn't." The lawyer nodded, biting her lip. "But it was productive. And I'm fine." She smiled softly, cradling Benson's cheek in her hand, lightly gripping the base of her skull as she hummed. "Thank you for checking."</p><p>The word "always" lingered in the air between them for several pregnant seconds, and before she knew it, Alex's dress pants were discarded on the floor and her unfocused fingers were battling with the button on Olivia's jeans in a ill-fated attempt to keep their bodies flush against each other while the rest of their clothes came off.</p><p>By the time they made it to the bed, the detective was desperate to touch her partner. Benson's fingers ached more and more the further they strayed from where they wanted to be, and the fire that blazed within her core was at least matched by the scorching arousal with which Alex was contending.</p><p>Articles of clothing long forgotten, all that remained was the two women and the bed that provided them with a safe place to explore, to learn, and to know each other. "I love you," Alex whispered during an oxygen break, keying in to the feeling of olive skin humming under her touch. "And I trust you," she continued, without waiting for Liv's response. She didn't need to. The words the cop would have said were already etched into her expression, into the hitch in her throat, into the squeeze of a hand against her hip, against her thigh. "Do you trust me to tell you if I need to stop?"</p><p>This was the most important question. In order to feel safe, Olivia needed to believe beyond any possible doubt that the moment Cabot was no longer completely comfortable, she would speak up. And there was evidence that she would. From her birthday to the now and again occurrence of a flash of panic, Alex had never once kept her need to stop to herself. She respected herself too much for that. She respected Olivia too much for that. The brunette's voice was sure. "I do."</p><p>"I want to try," Alex echoed her partner's earlier words, the watering of her eyes serving as more proof of the safety of the moment. "What do you want, honey?"</p><p>Liv nodded, her voice breaking. "I want to try too." The thickness of the air around them had dissipated some, but it hadn't vanished. Both women knew they could pick up right where they left off, and the heat they had been clinging to would reemerge, but for the moment, they abandoned just enough of their want for one another to be able to discuss the logistics of what they would do next. "Can you show me what you would do? I want to touch you the same way, that way your body recognizes it as familiar."</p><p>A smile of appreciation formed on Alex's lips. "I think that's a good idea. Can you reach the lube?" The prosecutor wasn't sure she'd need it if she were being honest, but she figured you can't be too wet, and the extra lubrication may make Olivia feel more comfortable anyway. So she thanked the woman she loved as she was handed the bottle, disappointed when the brunette rolled off of her in favor of pressing her body against her from the side. She probably just wanted a better view, but the loss of contact was palpable for them both.</p><p>Squirting some of the jelly-like half-liquid onto her two smallest fingers, Alex spread her legs apart after one last squeeze, knowing the touch she was about to provide herself with would do more to stoke the flame within her than extinguish it. Olivia had never watched her masturbate, and though the idea was sort of hot, it was also just a little disconcerting. She cupped herself with her hand, looking at Olivia, who was staring into her eyes with nothing short of amazement. "Um."</p><p>"You're okay," Liv assured, somehow reading the discomfort in her voice. "I can close my eyes for a minute—"</p><p>"No. No, don't. Just…talk to me, I guess? I feel a little vulnerable."</p><p>Olivia threw her arm around Alex's midsection and buried her face into flaxen hair. She knew if she were requesting to hear Liv's voice, Alex must have been wanting to replace another with it. "Just breathe, baby. There's nothing wrong with what we're doing. You're safe. This is normal. Okay? This is beautiful," she promised.</p><p>Safe.</p><p>Normal.</p><p>Beautiful.</p><p>Safe.</p><p>Normal.</p><p>Beautiful.</p><p>Alex let the three words play on repeat, just loud enough to stifle the sound of another, less accepting voice that always threatened her when she tried to touch herself. It took different forms over the years, but it never looked out for her well-being, never spoke to her with any semblance of compassion. Not like Olivia.</p><p>Soon, she found the courage to move her hand, her pinky finger finding more wetness at her opening than it knew what to do with. She surprised even herself when she managed to slip the digit inside herself up to the second knuckle with absolutely no resistance. Her breath uneven, she allowed her eyes to meet Olivia's again before pushing even further, until her entire finger had disappeared into wet warmth.</p><p>"So beautiful," the brunette mused, watching as Alex pulled almost all the way out before adding her ring finger, wincing for only a second at the increased girth of the intrusion.</p><p>"Usually, I just hold it for a few minutes, catch my breath," Alex explained, tangling the fingers of her free hand into dark hair. "And then sometimes I'll move slowly in and out. I haven't gotten far with that though," she confessed.</p><p>"What does that feel like for you?" the older woman asked, concerned. "Is it painful?"</p><p>"Not at all," Cabot answered quickly. "Sometimes it pinches just as I start, but only if I'm using more than one finger, and it's only bad if I'm not careful. It actually feels good." She watched for a moment as Olivia nodded. "I bet it'll feel even better when it's you."</p><p>Liv tried to ignore the increasing stickiness against her inner thighs as Alex exhaled slowly, carefully pulling out of herself and reaching for her partner's hand. "Are you sure?"</p><p>Alex did her due diligence, searched the recesses of her mind for any ounce of hesitation, and when she found none, she smiled. "Yes."</p><p>The attorney always closed her eyes the moment Olivia's knowing fingers met her sex. The relief washed through her like waves—sometimes violent ones that came in with the high tide, crashing into her with such force it took her breath away, but on this day, the waves came in gentle ripples, lapping at her feet with exhilarating care, surrounding her in warmth.</p><p>Olivia was often surprised by the wetness she found between Alex's legs, not because she used it as a reliable indicator of how aroused the woman was, but because how good it felt as her fingers were scorched by the pooling always made her weak.</p><p>The brunette took a minute or two to coat her fingers in the stickiness, her eyes never leaving the gaze of the woman she loved. Her own arousal was simmering more intensely, coming to a boil, and she breathed deeply to cool it down for the time being. She could have fun while taking care of Alex, but Alex needed to be the one to set the pace. "How do you want to do this?" the detective murmured softly into the ADA's lips, curling all her fingers against her palm, save for her pinky, which slowly moved through tantalizing folds.</p><p>Alex hummed, her hips canting upwards involuntarily. The words came to her lips, but she stifled them. <em>However you fucking want, as long as you do it now. </em>What she ended up saying was, "Do what makes you comfortable. I'm good."</p><p>The tip of Benson's finger massaged over the small patch of scar tissue, her lips coming to kiss a bead of sweat on the woman's forehead as it did, and finally it rested at the blonde's opening, applying the faintest of pressure, and Olivia was relieved when she didn't feel Alex's muscles clench.</p><p>Alex could tell what she was doing. "That's a good sign," she reassured the woman she loved. "It took me weeks before I could do that."</p><p>Pride warmed the detective's heart, and she gently captured Alex's lips in hers, smiling into the kiss as she felt more warmth pool around her hand. She pulled away after a few moments, adjusting her position and pulling her fingers away.</p><p>"What are you—"</p><p>"Do you trust me?"</p><p>Alex nodded vigorously. "Of course I do. I—"</p><p>"We're gonna put this pillow under you. It'll be a better angle," she explained tapping Alex's thigh to cue her to lift her hips up. "If we decide it feels good and you want to keep going like this, it'll help. Also, it's gentler on my wrist."</p><p>It was moments like this that reminded Alex that though she'd been going through these motions with other women since she was a teenager, Liv had a different type of experience, the type where she learned and came to understand the bodies of her lovers, the type where she was open to growth and vulnerability. It never occurred to Alex to use a pillow because her encounters were usually too quick to worry about a cramping hand or how to maximize someone's pleasure.</p><p>She shook the thought out of her head. She coped how she needed to cope. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't productive, but she survived. And there was no use harboring anger at herself for it.</p><p>"Is that okay with you?" Olivia asked after a few more seconds, searching for Alex's eyes.</p><p>"Yeah. Yeah, that's smart," she acknowledged, smiling at Liv, the calm of pleasant anticipation settling over her once again. "So, we can just go as I breathe out," she suggested as her partner once against nestled her finger against wet flesh.</p><p>"I'll start with just a little," the brunette indicated, nuzzling her nose into Alex's collarbone. "And you tell me how it feels."</p><p>"Well, you'll be able to tell if—"</p><p>Olivia interrupted her with a slow kiss. "You tell me how it feels. Not your body. I listen to you."</p><p>"Right. Of course." A confident smile and a nod later, the blonde was inhaling deeply, holding it for a moment before breathing out slowly, hoping harder than she ever had before that her body would cooperate. She wanted this so badly. She could only hope that her limbic system was on board.</p><p>First, there was just gradually increasing pressure. She wasn't feeling pain, but Liv's pinky hadn't really made any significant stride towards its destination. She reached for the bottle of lubricant then, offering it to the brunette, who smiled softly, before turning her hand palm up and squirting some of the substance into it, tossing the bottle to the side. She used her thumb to warm it up, and then—without moving her right pinky from its place—swept the lube off her palm and smeared it gingerly against Alex's entrance with her left hand. "Made just a little headway," she explained to the blonde, who stared, mesmerized, at the older woman's movements. "Didn't want to move my finger away and lose our progress."</p><p>Her tone seemed nonchalant, relaxed, and Alex sighed shakily. "I'll take another deep breath," she said, reaching for Olivia's left hand, which was now wet, but the attorney didn't care. She squeezed hard. "I can do this," she declared, both to Liv and to herself.</p><p>Olivia hummed, returning the squeeze and interlocking their fingers, resting their joined hands by Alex's head. "Okay, you ready?" She waited for Cabot's chest to inflate and then for the slow rush of breath out, and then she reapplied the pressure from earlier, her pinky finger slipping right in—past her first knuckle, past her second knuckle, which had not been intentional. "I—" Liv cut herself off when she noticed Alex's eyes were closed, her eyebrows knitted together in focus. "Sweetheart, am I hurting you?"</p><p>"No, it doesn't hurt." Her eyes opened slowly, and though they watered, they were peaceful. "You're fine. I'm just trying to relax."</p><p>The feeling of being surrounded by Alex was beyond words, but the younger woman's comfort was priority number one. "Baby, we don't have to do this...ever."</p><p>"I know." The sincerity behind the words reminded Alex to breathe, and she did, her body relaxing some.</p><p>"If you're uncomfortable—"</p><p>"Olivia, I promise I'm okay," Alex insisted. Olivia's finger was impossibly still inside her, and it felt right, but her body didn't quite expect it to stay that way. "It's just going to take a minute. We can't expect this to feel natural for me yet. It'll take time."</p><p>"If you feel any pain—"</p><p>"—I will tell you."</p><p>The next several seconds ticked by in quiet, and Alex's eyes gently closed in response to the feeling of loving lips caressing her overheated skin. Enveloped in the intensity of the moment, the blonde opened her mouth to ask a question. "Do you want to try...another?"</p><p>A grimace appeared on Olivia's face. "Shit, I just realized we didn't set a timer."</p><p>"Hey." The attorney interrupted the wheels turning in the older woman's head by lying her right hand on top of Olivia's, all ten digits resting up against Alex's core. "This isn't some cold, clinical exercise. We're connecting. I'm not overwhelmed. This feels good. You feel good."</p><p>Benson breathed a sigh of relief. She was feeling similarly about the situation. This felt right. It felt good. But they needed to tread carefully. "I'm not comfortable with two yet."</p><p>"Can we try just your ring or middle finger?"</p><p>Olivia kissed her temple, humming. "I'll pull out on your exhale."</p><p>The slow movement sent a strike of electricity through Alex's body, and she found herself wondering what it would be like for Olivia to repeat the movement, and maybe even a little faster. "Ready when you are," she offered, just a little breathless, her exhale coming out in a series of short gasps as Liv pushed her middle finger inside of her to the hilt, all the while staring into her eyes. The whole thing took more than ten seconds, and Alex wasn't sure anything she'd done with Olivia had ever felt so perfect.</p><p>"Did that feel okay?"</p><p>The question almost made her laugh. "Yes. You feel so good," she purred. "Do I need to remind <em>you</em> to breathe?" she questioned lightly, earning an anxious chuckle from the older woman.</p><p>Olivia rested her forehead against her partner's, inhaling deeply as her other smaller fingers came to rest against Alex's opening, barely there circles against the hot skin announcing their presence. The movement was instinctual almost, protective, and the blonde hummed softly at the feeling. "Yeah, maybe," she admitted sheepishly, worrying her lower lip.</p><p>The detective was overcome with wonder each time she had the privilege of being with the other woman like this—wonder at the attorney's beauty, at her trust, at her bravery. At her ability to somehow turn the tables and use these precious moments to comfort <em>her.</em></p><p>But that was Alex.</p><p>That was Alex in her truest, most unadulterated, most secure form, and Olivia could have sworn that had she not been already lying down, the love in the blonde's eyes would have brought her to her knees.</p><p>"We don't have to keep going."</p><p>It was Alex again, taking the words that the love of her love had said to her over and over and over again and using them to disarm her, using them to remind her of the give-and-take nature of the relationship, of the life they had built together.</p><p>"I love you," was the brunette's reply, broken by the lump in her throat. "I want to."</p><p>Alex nodded, opening herself up further to the woman she hoped to marry someday. "Only if you want to, you can move. Just…slowly."</p><p>"Now?" Liv asked softly, lying her forehead against Alex's shoulder, receiving a hum in response. At the first careful tug of her finger, Olivia felt the ADA clench around her, but it only lasted a second, and the blonde's nod granted her blessing to continue. She paused when only her nail was concealed, waiting once again for Cabot to breathe out before pushing back in, this time with just a little more speed than the first.</p><p>Then she waited, static anticipation building around them.</p><p>"Again."</p><p>Alex's voice was sure, and she pulled Liv's head up and off her shoulder so that she could pull their foreheads together. Another nod. Another slow pull out. Another gasp. Another pair of shaky breaths. "Can I kiss you?" the brunette asked.</p><p>The prosecutor hungrily pulled the older woman's lips to hers, her mouth opening to gasp out a response to the now steady movement of Olivia's finger inside her. Each impossibly gentle thrust brought her higher, each brush of lips against lips and tongue against tongue added to the fire scorching its path from Liv's hand to Alex's core, and when she thought she was literally going to melt, Olivia stopped.</p><p>The noise of disappointment left her throat without her consent. "Baby, I'm—"</p><p>"I know you're okay," Olivia promised, pressing a series of chaste kisses to Alex's cheek in comfort. "I am too. I want to try something. But before I do, I want to make sure you want to keep going like this. I can pull out, and—"</p><p>Two hands came to cradle Olivia's face, and Alex's voice was dead serious. "Olivia, don't you dare. This is what—this is…." Eventually, she settled on, "This." It was a complete sentence in her mind, and the brunette understood it.</p><p>"Heard loud and clear," she acknowledged, laughing.</p><p>"What did you want to do?" Alex asked her partner once the anticipatory silence had returned.</p><p>"I wanted to use the palm of my hand to…to—" For the first time in a long time, Olivia Benson was tongue-tied. The look in Alex's eyes, the way she desperately clung to her, the way her hips had begun to move in time with her finger. It was indescribable. It was perfect. "I wanted to—"</p><p>"Hey," Alex interrupted the detective, smiling, catching her drift and saving her from having to finish the sentence. "Just do it."</p><p>An easy grin formed on Liv's lips. "Yeah?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>The brunette kept her eyes locked on Alex's expression as she placed the palm of her hand snugly against her clit, watched her eyes flutter closed in relief as she resumed her movements—this time of her entire hand, a calloused palm bumping roughly against the most sensitive part of her as a finger gingerly massaged Cabot's inner walls.</p><p>The rhythm was simply maddening.</p><p>And drunk on the sensations burning within her, Alex didn't care what she looked like or what she sounded like. She only cared about those eyes. The ones that looked deeply into her soul and spoke volumes in the quiet around them. The ones that simply watched her feel, and asked her to feel more.</p><p>"Please," Alex panted, unable to finish the phrase "don't stop" without pausing for precious oxygen.</p><p>"I got you, my love," the older woman whispered against her, grateful that the angle the pillow had afforded them had made it easier to sink her entire middle finger inside Alex and still left space for her palm to drive the lawyer closer and closer to ecstatic bliss. "I'm not going to stop," she promised, her voice breaking.</p><p>"I love you," the blonde breathed shakily, the warmth low in her abdomen turning into a steady burn. "God, I love you so much."</p><p>These were the words she'd said to Olivia during their first night together. That night she'd said them to push her away, a painful memory, but a significant one. But on this night, a year on from that first one, she was uttering the phrase to pull Olivia closer, to ask her to stay, to beg her to never let go. And Alex knew she wouldn't.</p><p>It was the last coherent thought she had before tumbling over the precipice, a climax that went unrivaled barreling into her at full force. She felt herself clench around Olivia's finger—once, twice, thrice, four times. It seemed to go on forever. But these movements weren't pushing her out, they were pulling her in. And each time she felt the intensity of the contractions die down, Liv pushed her palm snuggly against her clit once more, and she went flying over smaller cliffs, shorter falls, but no less breathtaking.</p><p>As the volume of her breathing quieted, she felt lips against her ear. "I love you too." Olivia had waited to reply to Alex's declaration of love until her body had calmed enough to appreciate it.</p><p>"Oh my God."</p><p>"Good?" the brunette asked softly, lifting her palm from its resting place to spare Alex any discomfort.</p><p>"Jesus Christ, Liv."</p><p>Olivia laughed at this disheveled, less than eloquent version of her love, her middle finger remaining still inside her, and she smiled in response to the gentle clenching of her inner muscles that still squeezed around the digit every fifteen seconds or so. Eventually, the blonde opened her eyes, met watery chocolate orbs. "You can pull out. I don't think it'll hurt. I mean, I've never gotten…this far, so…"</p><p>"It might…just feel weird for a second," she warned softly, waiting for a nod of understanding. Benson pressed her lips against Alex's forehead, allowed them to linger as she carefully withdrew her finger from the ADA's depths. She felt her muscles chase the digit and she could feel her eyebrows furrow at the lack of fullness.</p><p>"You've been holding out on me," Alex accused after many seconds of almost silence.</p><p>"You know what this means," she teased, attaching her lips to Olivia's neck and sucking—hard. "No mercy." Alex smiled mischievously, her right hand finding its way down the plane of Olivia's stomach. She paused at the start of pubic hair, waiting for the brunette to open her eyes and nod, and then her fingers found their home against the waiting warmth that beckoned them forward.</p><p>Olivia was roused from sleep the next morning by the feeling of soft lips against her nose, cheeks, eyelids, forehead, and her hand groped absently for the warmth of Alex's body, fingers tangling into her hair when she found it. She moaned softly as the blonde's lips and tongue found her neck and shoulders, but it was the attorney's disappointed groan that split the air when Liv's phone rang.</p><p>"Don't get it, baby, please," she begged, her voice still thick from sleep.</p><p>Benson reached for her charger behind her, hoping she could stay in place, in Alex's arms, for the extent of the phone call, realizing with a grunt that she couldn't reach the device without moving. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I have to," she lamented, before turning around and croaking "Benson" into the phone as Alex rested her chin on her shoulder and the two women interlocked their fingers.</p><p>Cabot couldn't make out the voice on the other end, but she could feel the seriousness settling around her partner as she pressed her lips chastely into her shoulder. "What was that?" she asked as the other woman hung up.</p><p>The brunette turned in order to face the younger woman, rejoining their hands. "Tommy, Dominic, Bryson, and Dion just walked into the precinct with their parents."</p><p>"And?"</p><p>"And they brought five other seventh grade boys with them."</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: One chapter left! Thank you all so much for sticking with me on this ride. I appreciate all the support! Any loose ends you'd like me to tie up?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0045"><h2>45. Chapter 45</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is @faceinbud.</p>
<p>Here it is, the LAST chapter of Stay. Oh my goodness, guys, when I first started outlining this story and planned out this chapter, I couldn’t even picture it being a concrete thing. I can’t believe we’re here. Thank you for following Alex and Olivia and me on this journey. It has been so incredibly special. I don’t believe any specific trigger warnings are needed here.  Enjoy!</p>
<p>I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stay</p>
<p>Chapter 45</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"So, when you're ready, I'll take your hands. And then you'll take a deep breath in and push gently, exhaling slowly as you glide."</p>
<p>"I think I can do it by myself,” Alex replied, inhaling deeply to steady herself and hype herself up in preparation for what she was about to attempt.</p>
<p>The brunette nodded, smiling proudly at her partner. "Okay. That works too." She took a couple steps back, being careful not to walk into any other swimmers. Their swim lessons were going well. After many weeks of practice, the younger woman had mastered going under water and floating on her back, and now she was ready to learn swim basics—front glides, or as Olivia had called them with her kids, “turtle hands”. The two women hadn’t been able to successfully keep the adult-only pool to themselves during the busiest parts of summer, and so they’d graduated to the rec pool, Alex preferring to swim with Olivia surrounded by children, instead of staring adults who likely found what they were doing weird. “Do you want to swim to me?”</p>
<p>Alex nodded her head up and down, smiling in response to the expression on Liv’s face. “Okay, I’m ready.”</p>
<p>“Alright, go for it.”</p>
<p>She’d glided forward with her face down in the water before, but not without Olivia’s hands on her, and if she were being honest with herself, she had to admit it was a little nerve-wracking. Still, she reminded herself that the water she was submerged in came only up to just below her shoulders, and she could stand up and anchor herself to the ground without fear of being unable to recover from the position should she panic.</p>
<p>So she inhaled deeply, looking to the detective for one more vote of confidence before putting her eyes in the water and pushing firmly off the wall, her arms outstretched in front of her as her strong legs propelled her forward.</p>
<p>It felt like flying.</p>
<p>Like the weight of the world had lept off her shoulders and the gravity that pulled her down to Earth had relented. She was simply floating, existing, being carried by the water and the force of her own will. It was exhilarating. And as she arrived at Olivia’s feet, she slowly bent her knees and planted her feet on the ground, lifting her head from the water in order to capture that first ecstatic breath upon surfacing.</p>
<p>And with that breath came a joyful laugh, loud enough to eclipse the sound of nearby children playing a rather raucous game of Marco Polo. “Oh my God, Liv,” she exulted, clapping a hand over the older woman’s shoulder as she steadied herself on the pool floor. “That was….<em>Wow</em>.” She turned to walk back to the wall. “Okay, let’s do it again.”</p>
<p>“Wait, hold on.” Liv followed her to the empty spot in the shallow end, reaching out to squeeze her bicep. “Let’s take a minute and celebrate what you just did. That was amazing! There’s no rush.”</p>
<p>"I want to be swimming on my own before the pools close, and"—she recalled the date—“tomorrow is Labor Day." </p>
<p>“We can find an indoor pool, sweetie,” Olivia gently assured with a soft chuckle. “Hey, did I ever tell you what I used to think Labor Day was when I was a kid?”</p>
<p>“Oh, God.” Alex shook her head, repressing laughter. “Is it what I think it is?”</p>
<p>“I used to think that every pregnant person went into labor.”</p>
<p>“Well, that would be a problem. It’s okay,” the blonde pointed out, biting her lip. “I used to think ancestral humans lived with dinosaurs and that made complete sense to me, so.”</p>
<p>Liv squeezed her hand, humming softly. “I’m really proud of you.”</p>
<p>Alex let the warmth of her girlfriend’s smile wash over her for a few seconds, eventually deciding to break the intensity of the moment with just a little bit of levity. “Well, we better get going if we’re gonna be able to call every hospital and warn them about tomorrow.”</p>
<p>The brunette playfully splashed Alex in the face, feigning offense when the attorney returned the gesture with twice as much water. She coughed quickly, both women giggling as they recovered from the onslaught. “Do you want to do a couple more before we dry off?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I do.” She reached for the wall to start her glide, a thought striking her. “Ooh, let’s race!”</p>
<p>Later, the two women sat on the couch to watch a movie, which neither one of them really paid attention to because the film was just an excuse for them to cuddle during daylight hours. As the movie ended, the cat came to sit at their feet, meowing loudly. "She's jealous,” Liv commented.</p>
<p>"She's always jealous,” Alex agreed, reaching for the animal below her. “Sandra, mommies are having some quality time right now, but we both love you very much.”</p>
<p>The feline responded with an even louder wail, and this time Olivia took it upon herself to translate. “But Mama, you have quality time with Mommy all the time. When is it my turn?”</p>
<p>Alex shook her head, nuzzling her nose into soft fur. “Pretty sure it’s more like ‘Fuck you and fuck the woman who keeps you from me. Peasant.’” Concurring, Sandra provided Alex’s hand with a bite for emphasis, before struggling in the ADA’s grasp. “Alright, toots. Be free. That’s enough of that.”</p>
<p>“Does that mean there’s more time for me?” Liv asked innocently, batting her eyebrows.</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Alex exaggerated, her hand moving from its stationed place over the brunette’s thigh. “But what’s in it for me?”</p>
<p>Olivia hummed in contemplation, finding Alex’s fingers with her own and mindlessly playing with them. “I’m sure we could figure something out.” She pressed her lips the crown of her partner’s head three times in quick succession. “You’re working tomorrow, yeah?”</p>
<p>Alex nodded, beginning to draw circles with her pointer finger over the back of the detective’s hand, smiling at the small sigh that escaped her throat. “Yeah, I have a few arraignments and some paperwork to do. You?”</p>
<p>“Mhm. Labor Day isn’t for everyone, huh?” She shifted next to the blonde so her lips to access the skin of her shoulder, and she peppered little kisses around the exposed skin left bare by her tank top.</p>
<p>“Good think you’re not pregnant,” the younger woman observed, tilting her head away from Olivia in order to give her more access.</p>
<p>“Shut up and come here.” She pulled a more than willing Alex onto her lap, gripping hungrily onto her face and molding their mouths together, two contented sighs floating in the air around them.</p>
<p>The blonde buried her fingertips into Olivia’s hair as the older woman pulled her closer by the small of her back. Alex knew she would never tire of this. Never tire of the warmth, the safety, the intimacy, and yes, even the vulnerability. Even the vulnerability was exhilarating in its own right because she knew—even in the recesses of her mind, where the phantom of her drill sergeant still walked the halls—that feeling exposed in these moments with her girlfriend would allow for all the more connection between them as they kissed. And Alex, who had become skilled at naming her feelings and acknowledging them, still wasn’t quite sure what to call the warmth that enveloped her in these moments.</p>
<p>Olivia, who’d initiated the kiss, was the one who pulled away first, just enough for their foreheads to meet as both women smiled softly at one another. After a moment, Liv leaned in to press her lips to the attorney’s forehead and then to her nose. Alex returned the affection with a proper kiss, slow and soft, and all the hurry from their earlier frenzy had died down. Eventually, she rested her forehead against the brunette’s, and they just stayed there in each other’s arms for an immeasurable amount of time. Neither of them were counting. They were just being.</p>
<p>Peace.</p>
<p>The feeling, Alex decided, was unencumbered peace.</p>
<p>"That was fun,” she mused at some point, swinging her leg back over so she was once again sitting next to Olivia, reclining against her, and the older woman hummed in agreement. “Do you want to get dinner after work—maybe not tomorrow, since it’s Labor Day—but Tuesday?”</p>
<p>Benson was a little confused about why her partner seemed nervous to ask about dinner. They went out together all the time. She assumed maybe she was just breathless after their rather intense making out. Otherwise, the cop concluded, she seemed fine. “Yeah, that sounds nice.”</p>
<p>Tuesday evening, Liv met Alex in front of the courthouse, quietly honking the horn to get her attention. "We can come back for your car later,” she suggested when the other woman paused to inhale deeply before getting in the car. “You okay?” she asked as the ADA put on her seatbelt.</p>
<p>“Yeah, just tired,” she offered by way of explanation, leaning in to peck Olivia’s lips once the door was closed.</p>
<p>“You sure?”</p>
<p>Alex nodded. “Yeah, I’m—I’m good. Just a little nervous,” she decided to admit.</p>
<p>Olivia tilted her head to the side, her eyebrows raising. “About what, my love?”</p>
<p>Suddenly, warm flowed through Alex’s veins. It was that peace again. Vulnerability creating intimacy. She bit her lip, the anxiety leaving her, and her expression turned mischievous. “You’ll find out.”</p>
<p>Dinner was also peaceful, few words being exchanged between them as they ate, the two women’s eyes meeting in meaningful looks and longing glances from across the table every so often. Once their meals were finished, they began discussing dessert, and inspiration struck Alex when a rather large cart of different desserts was pushed behind Olivia, the perfect excuse to get her to look away for a few moments.</p>
<p>“Liv, look at that cake! Let’s get that!”</p>
<p>The detective swiveled her upper body to get a look at the chocolate cake the other woman was referring to, and she had to admit, it looked delicious. “Yeah, I’ll let…the waiter—"</p>
<p>As she turned back around, the brunette’s eyes landed on the table in front of her, where her plate had previously been. Her gaze glued to the object that sparkled in the dim lighting,  and she, dumbfounded, stuttered out the beginning of a question. "Al, why is there a ring—"</p>
<p>"Olivia, the past year and a half has been the most enlightening, rewarding, fulfilling, happiest time of my life.” Liv finally tore her eyes from the piece of jewelry so she could look at her girlfriend, who’s eyes were shining even more brightly than the ring in front of her. “Every day, I am awed by your grace, your compassion, your ferocity, and your love. You make me feel so safe. Safe enough to propose to you in a public place."</p>
<p>Olivia brought her hand to rest over her heart, which was pounding in her chest. She couldn’t believe what was happening. When Alex just looked at her in silence, she assumed it was her turn to speak. "Baby, I—"</p>
<p>"Let me finish.” Her voice was soft. Alex hadn’t been done with her speech yet, she’d just wanted to give the other woman time to process as she collected her own thoughts. The blonde actually felt a little light-headed, but she took a deep breath, reminding herself once again that vulnerability aided in intimacy. She was safe with Olivia, in every sense of the word. “I know the ring is kind of silly since we can't really get married, but I don't know, progress chugs along, and I like the symbolism of it. Liv, you are everything to me. And I want to feel this way forever. So, what do you think? Do you want to domestic partnership me?"</p>
<p>Olivia reached her hand across the table to intertwine their fingers, careful to avoid the delicate ring that rested between them. “It’s not silly,” she choked out in a barely-there whisper, shaking her head from side to side. “I love you so much, and to be honest,” she continued, her voice breaking again, “if you had waited just a month or so longer, you wouldn’t have beaten me to the punch.”</p>
<p>Alex continued to worry her lower lip, her fingers tracing patterns over the cop’s. “So?”</p>
<p>“Of course I want to domestic partnership you!” the brunette gushed, mindful to keep her voice somewhat quiet. Alex had made strides in her comfort with being out publicly, as so obviously evidenced by her proposal in a restaurant they frequented together, but bringing the ring had been her choice, something she’d prepared for, and Liv didn’t want to blindside her with anything more. “I want to marry you,” she said, her tone turning reverent.</p>
<p>“Me too.” The lawyer reached for the ring with her free hand. “Here, let’s put this on. I hope it’s the right size.”</p>
<p>Easily, Alex slipped the diamond onto Olivia’s left ring finger. “Perfect,” she announced, lifting the hand to her lips in order to press her lips against the jewelry and her knuckle. Overcome with the desire to be closer to her partner—was she her fiancée now?—Cabot no longer wanted to be in public. “Maybe we should forget dessert, yeah?”</p>
<p>Benson nodded eagerly, squeezing her partner’s hand. "I'll take you to work tomorrow. Let's just go home, hmm?"</p>
<p>Alex smiled in return, tearfully. "Yeah, I like that idea."</p>
<p>Being driven to work sounded like a good idea to Alex at the time. But then she realized halfway through the day that she’d left her keys at their apartment. When she had a quick moment, she dialed Olivia’s number, smiling when the voice on the other end greeted her warmly. “Is that my fiancée Alex Cabot on the other line?”</p>
<p>“Indeed, it is,” the prosecutor confirmed with a laugh. "Hey, babe, I just wanted to let you know that I left my keys at home, so you're gonna have to let me in later."</p>
<p>"I can pick you up when I’m done here,” the older woman suggested.</p>
<p>"No, it's fine,” Alex insisted gently. “You should go home after work. I'll be here until late, finishing up a few sentencing memos and voir dire questions for D’Agostino. I'll call a taxi."</p>
<p>Olivia’s voice was skeptical. "Are you sure you don't need a ride?" She didn’t mean to be so protective. She knew Alex could take care of herself. But it was important to her that the ADA had the option of not taking a cab if she’d prefer Olivia pick her up.</p>
<p>"Yes, absolutely, sweetie. Thank you though."</p>
<p>"Well,” Liv decided to compromise, “can you call me before you leave the office, so I know to expect you?”"</p>
<p>Alex wholeheartedly agreed, and then the two parted ways for the rest of the day.</p>
<p>The weather was not good. It had been gray that morning on their drive to Hogan Place, and now it was raining cats and dogs outside, with some thunder and lightning to punctuate the darkening sky. A notification from her cellphone drew Alex’s attention away from the question she’d just crafted—“Are you a practicing Catholic?”.</p>
<p>“Shit,” she muttered to herself. Her phone was about to die. Not wanting to use the last of the charge, she reached for her office phone in order to let Olivia know she may not be reachable. Suddenly, a crash of thunder split the night and Alex’s office went dark. “Shit,” she said again, this time louder.</p>
<p>She knew there was supposed to be a generator in the building, but it wasn’t kicking on, and she was the only one left in the office. She decided she had to use the last of her cell battery to call a taxi. Her computer was no longer functional, so she might as well just make her way home. Her screen turned black just as she finished dialing the number. One more “Shit,” this time under her breath as she walked into the hallway with all her belongings. Her last hope was to hail a cab.</p>
<p>But just as her luck would have it, there were none to be found on the street.</p>
<p>She’d made this walk before. More than once. She’d even done it in the rain. But tonight, it was not her choice.</p>
<p>She just wanted to be home.</p>
<p>She hoped Olivia wasn’t trying to reach her, wasn’t worried about her, but the only thing she could do about it now is advance forward, one step at a time, allowing the rain to assault her senses and accepting she’d be drenched by the time she got back to the apartment.</p>
<p>She’d never walked home in the dark before. She was on high alert, breathing through the several wolf whistles and cat calls that came her way. She reminded herself that she had her pepper spray and clutched it tightly in her hand. By the time she arrived at the apartment complex she now called home, her hand was achingly numb from both the cold of the September rain and the force of her grip on the canister her fingers held tightly to.</p>
<p>Exhausted, she climbed the several flights of stairs to where Liv was likely waiting for her, and eagerly, she knocked on the door when she arrived.</p>
<p>Olivia rushed towards the sound. A worried expression quickly turned into a relieved one as the door opened to reveal a blonde mop of hair and a puddle surrounding two high heels that now doubled as mini swimming pools. Knowing Alex would never purposefully leave without letting her know, Liv wanted to break the tension with a joke, opening the door wider to let her in. "Why, hello, Ms. Cabot, you seem to be just a little damp."</p>
<p>Still winded, all the attorney could manage was, "Yeah."</p>
<p>"Now, based on the fact that it looks like you just stepped out of the shower, I'm going to assume you walked home."</p>
<p>"Perfect storm, Liv. Literally.” Alex inhaled deeply to calm her racing heart. She was home. She placed her wet briefcase and purse on the ground, freeing up one of her hands to bury in the warmth of Liv’s sweater. “My phone died, and then the power went out in the office. I think I'll be walking here in the rain until the day I die."</p>
<p>Less concerned about the water, Liv pulled her in for a side hug and kissed the crown of her wet head. "As long as you make it home and come in when you get here, I'm good."</p>
<p>"Oh, I'm staying. Don't you worry your pretty little mind about that." Cabot smiled, the warmth of the closeness eclipsing the lasting chill.</p>
<p>Olivia eyed the pepper spray that her fiancée was still white knuckling, and she reached out to gently take it from her clutches and massage warmth into the cold hand. “Are you…are you okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I….Yeah.” Alex worried her lower lip, hating that she’d added more stress to Olivia’s already anxious state. “I just got paranoid…with the dark. And some men…were looking. I’m fine. Promise.”</p>
<p>The detective nodded, sufficiently appeased, and squeezed her still cold hands. “Okay. Okay. Well, you’re home now, love. You’re safe.”</p>
<p>Alex smiled, a few drops of water falling off her high cheekbones. “I know, honey.”</p>
<p>"Let's change and get you some tea, yeah?" Benson released her hands so she could move about more freely.</p>
<p>"Yeah, that sounds good,” Alex agreed, stretching her sore muscles. “That rain was brutal. I’m just so relieved to be home"</p>
<p>She stepped fully into the apartment she shared with Olivia, the older woman knowing that even though it was still raining, when the morning came, the sky would be decorated with one of the most vivid rainbows she'd ever seen. She couldn't wait for the sun to rise.</p>
<p>"Hey, sweetheart?"</p>
<p>"Yeah?" Alex turned to see Liv following her into their bedroom, and the older woman gently clapped a hand over her shoulder, squeezing gently.</p>
<p>"Maybe you should invest in an umbrella."</p>
<p>
  <em>"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow</em>
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<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: Thank you all again, so much, for reading and your kudos and beautiful comments. I’m not sure when it will be posted, but I will be writing a short follow-up to this story taking place many years in the future, so be on the lookout for that. It’ll take place in summer 2011, so around the time of season 13. Let me know if there’s anything in particular you’d like to see/catch up on.  It would mean the world to me if people could share their final thoughts about this story. I know it will “stay” with me forever.</p>
<p>Love always,</p>
<p>Gabby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0046"><h2>46. Sequel Posted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hi everyone! Just wanted to let everyone know that the first chapter of the follow-up to Stay-Linger-has been posted! Would love to know what you all think!</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: I hope you liked this first chapter. Just a short introduction to see if there is interest. I should start posting the In the First Degree one-shots soon, so let me know if you have any requests for those. As for this story, I do have a general plan as to where it’s going, but I’m happy to consider any of your ideas. Thanks for reading!<br/>-Gabby</p></blockquote></div></div>
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